Let me start at the beginning: I got a damn serious nervous breakdown while, ironically, studying to be a medical researcher. I have had medical problems as a child and my childhood was filled with stress and fear, so that undoubtedly sensitised me for further stress. I suspect I basically always had anxiety disorder but it never expressed itself as much as it did when I finally broke down and spend nearly a year in panic state.
I managed to overcome the panic attacks through meditation in the short time periods in between. As you can imagine I was hardly zen, yet it accomplished immense results. I honestly would never have recuperated as much as I did without meditation. No medication worked as I had hoped, and I was very certain I would become addicted to them had I tried them any longer.
Although I recuperated immensely, this is a very relative accomplishment. I was greatly improved over the completely disabled state I was in yet far, far, really far below the threshold for a normal person. Because I have a remnant of a working mind I managed to finish my education which was already in the final state, I didn't had to do much work yet it was a gargantuan undertaking from my part anyway. I figured things would improve further.
The panic disappeared completely, so did the nightmares, OCD and every other symptom/comorbidity except one: a diminished attention span, near continual stress and inability to relax. Every supplement I tried was a disappointment. They either did nothing, or only lasted a few months tops before I got nothing out of them anymore.
It took a long time, but I finally accepted what quite a lot of psychologists already knew: once sufficiently traumatized the brain holds on to the heightened sense of stress and anxiety and never lets go. It gets inscribed into your epigenetics and becomes your new default mode. The standard psycho therapy is insufficient to get rid of it completely.
There is plenty of research to show that remote (old) memories are stored in the frontal cortex, and that the brain does everything it can to make certain that fear-conditioning doesn't disappear. This makes sense if I was, say, a mouse and my brain made certain I would always be afraid of a predator after my initial encounter. For a human who went through general anxiety it's not particularly useful. I've been unable to continue my chosen career for years now, and although meditation keeps improving my condition, there is a clear ceiling which I can't breach for longer than a few moments, and this only works under good conditions. Perhaps meditation can achieve it one day, but I hardly want to spend my entire life trying to fix said life.
Imagine my interest when I read recent research which showed that a certain chemical can convince the brain to finally let go of learned trauma. PUBMED, Summary
My lifestyle is currently fine: there is nothing that will lead to new traumas. My diet is fine, I exercise. The weakest link is purely the emotional scar left in my mind. I strongly suspect that combined with my meditation, CL-994 can help to finally get rid of my stress-state.
It is however a rather expensive chemical. Aldrich-Sigma offers it at over 115 dollar for 5 mg. At the mid-dose used in the article that would be 10 mg/kg body weight, or 230 dollar per kg body weight. That's a bit much. Luckily there are cheaper sources like this one. Even cheaper sources may exist.
The reason I posted this is probably getting clear: I wanted to try it, but I don't want to risk financial difficulties for what may be another disappointment. If anyone else is interested in purchasing this drug, we could go for bulk, split the cost and save a lot.
