119 replies to this topic

[Deaden]

You are legit insane, get help.

[MichaelFocus22]

09-21-2018

 

                                    Another day has passed and my medication as usual has been decreasing in effectiveness, Irrespective of this I'm done waiting for the answers, I'm going to make the answer myself. I will be developing an ADD intiative for a CURE, that rights. I'm going to be founding a non-profit until this evil disease is gone once and for all. If you believe yourself to be interested in this project. Ideally, you should have a background in mathematics, microbiology, ect. Everything I'm saying will happen, one way or another. I'm sick of my life being destroyed, I will make the impossible possible one way or another. PM me for more information.

[MichaelFocus22]

      09-24-2018

 

                                            So I feel, this thread still remains useful to all those, who can see my life basically being chronicled. Hopefully these posts, are continue testament for ADHD and what it does it to you and how it implicitly affects you and why. So I was asked to leave a gym, I paid for after going to another gym, at my school. Basically,  I kept being reprimanded for one thing or another, so Invariably I left, to resolve the issue, once and for. Afterwards, I did leg day and basically had to bruteforce every single rep, that was off medication. I ended up getting into a  fit of rage and with justified reason, I was asked to leave. Anyways, I'll probably go late at night. In a long series, of bad decisions, I picked an apartment that I thought I'd be able to afford, but won't be able to. So that's not looking good and the job prospects look null at best. So everything is basically dirt. No surprise there . Although I still enjoy being myself, despite all of my failure. Anyways, what else? Well, I invariably popped one of my tires because I didn't have a gage, Oh and I self destruct when I'm in a no-stimulus environment and for some stupid reason, I decided to sign a lease, even though there is minimal stimulus, here. So as you can see, you will make alot of moronic decisions. I quit my part-time job that toke me weeks and weeks to get, because I was under the delusion I was going to start a business, Oh wait I have no money for that. Eventually that dawned, on me very quickly and  made the biggest lie possible in hopes of getting my job back and obviously no dice. On the girl aspect, still a loser and going broke at this point. Leaving San Jose one of the worst decisions I've ever made... Like it's not even funny. Well now it is to me . Anyways, No point in complaining, none of this is new. It's kinda like the rain, it's a forecast one day and another day it's sunny. I will focus my attention now upon finding a cure, for this disorder, however pointless and fruitless and meaningless it may be. I miss alot of things, my friends, my dance team, all so many things, I miss. Oh and before that the previous dean, somehow thought I was a threat to students on the campus at the start of the semester which was insane. It's a long story, but just  along list of insanity, that continue to occur. Anyways, based upon my calculations and chronic mess ups, I will eventually go broke and then I'll be doomed, So my final option appears to be the military. I may just simply do, it for some financial security. It's hard to tell, everything I've done has not even been close, to what I anticipated it to be. Which surprises me to say the least.  Invariably, I NEED smarter people to assist me with developing a cure, for this disorder. I don't care if you think I'm crazy or not. Someone needs to start an initiative. If you are talented in programming, biology, mathematics,any discipline at all. Please message me, we must strike against this disorder, or your life will become a waste like mine, has become. Heed this thread as a warning, Head it well, make your decisions carefully or you could destroy your entire life, it isn't fun. I've contemplated susicide maybe 6 times, this week and am considering carrying it out. Anyways, Keep going and remain hungry, the only thing impossible is the possibility of quitting. I assure you that I'm not insane by the way .

[MichaelFocus22]

                                               09-30-2018

 

                                                       1.  Where are we going here? I've said to you that I will develop a cure, I have not the faintest idea, how but I will work on a cure one way or another. All words, it seems for now, yet I know all to well this must manifest into action. So I will be working towards the development of a non-profit, sooner rather than later, so these ambitions can be materialized, so we can START at the minimum. Where am I in IDAHO? What is the point of ending? Why don't I end my life? I believe, there is still more to this story, than meets the eye. There is still more to my greatness and glory than what I've done so far. What can the ADD reader learn now? What has changed? I still go to the gym, almost everyday I haven't really had the same quality workouts sense, my concerta stopped working. I'm still fairly strong and I've kept the majority of my strength. I still journal and do basically all my habits most of the time but it appears to be transient. So it appears that habits can infact learned but what has CHANGED? Well I still see a therapist every two weeks and will probably see one until I die. I've already accepted this. Medication wise? Idaho is denying me medication because apparently I'm an ADDICT, who is normal which is funny. So I will have to go a 10 hour diagnostic test and there going to test everything possible because I appear so "normal". It's really poetry in motion really. Anyways, as you all know I got fired from my last job then quit my second job in a fit of anger and was under the delusion of going to run my own business yet that was quickly put in it's track when I realized the challenges and the capital that would be required to mobilize such a plan. So I'm basically unemployed and going broke. No surprise there at this referential point in time. Today we have second interview at buffalo wild wings, I basically told them I had ADD, so I was really really transparent, the manager seemed to accept it pretty easily. I don't know about the hiring manager he seems more stern but we will see. Finally I'm hoping I can move back onto the University campus, so that I have a stimulus environment. This I believe is a useful insight if you have ADD-PI, you might find yourself getting bored and getting angry very quickly, because your in a no DRIVE enviroment

 

                                       Thus Insight 20: CHOOSE A HIGH STIMULUS ENVIRONMENT: You need to be in an environment where things constantly happen and EXCITEMENT occurs and where glory and greatness happen at. An ADD individual thrives in the middle of battle not away from the battle. If he is away form the battle he will die a painful death. I'm a testament to that. In essence, it appears thats what San Jose was, it was full of driven people in a hypercompetitive environment which pushed me to my limits and beyond. So obviously I'm looking to recreate this by subleasing my apartment I don't have money for anyways.

 

                                    2.   Girlwise, has anything changed? Nope, I basically just gave up. Without job security, I'm unable to make any meaningful relationships, without the drive and ambition that I had before, I'm just a medicore joe. So I don't care anymore. Why so glum you might add? Well, my last job I got fired for the 12th time because I flirted with girls, and was reported. So it's probably best I stop doing that anyways. I'm sure if I hadn't done, that maybe I'd have my job and not be on my PHONE. Then again the job, was horrendous but I needed it. So what to say and what to do? I don't care anymore, Girls=waste of time. Learn this and you'll save yourself alot of pain.Like alot and probably some jobs. I probably lost 5 jobs flirting with co-workers on accident. I repeat never ever do this.  

                                 3. What else is there you might ask?  Are we doomed to loser land? Not so fast, I believe there is still more that can be done. You just have to keep going. Before I started pursuing my biological cure, I said that wealth was the cure and it still is. It's a matter of taming your own impulses and amassing as much money in that bank account as possible. Live within your means and don't buy stupid stuff. This is important to your freedom. I have nothing else, really to add. Life hasn't been the same sense, I made that moronic decision when I should have just quit my job instead of blowing up like an idiot. She got everything and I got nothing and still have nothing. It's ok I'm a loser and it's ok to be a loser but don't stay a loser. Don't give into your addictions and impulses you will regret it. I don't know what to say, I'm definitely a loser for sure though   Just continue living there still more to your story, keep going don't stop even if your a failure, loser and poor like me . Did I expect that I'd be a broke loser? Nope, I expected to get RICH and wealth but I was WRONG, my ADD disagreed and punished me. So manage your ADD intentionally everyday and put that dude in a cage, then go about your day. Like I said it's ok to be a LOSER, JUST DON'T STOP. Goodluck

 

 

[MichaelFocus22]

                                       10-6-2018

 

                                             Greetings, I'm going to be writing this out of sheer boredom at this point. Oh no way! Anyways, What is new and different as of yet? Nothing really, I'm still basically an unemployed loser at this point and still continuing to going broke. I'm still going through some crappy withdraw from nofap as usual. It's pretty common. What to add? Nothing really, everything is really just gone to total dog crap for me, in perspective and achievement wise. Living off campus was a very horrible decision, I'm loosing too much money, I have no stimulus in my existing environment, it's becoming harder to get myself to do things.My ability to finish work is absolute dog crap. Ofcourse this is no surprise and ofcourse, my shrink demands I take a comprehensive test, that will take 15 hours and I have to PAY for it, Not to mention my medication doesn't work. These idaho people, I really hate them but, either way I'd be unhappy on it as if I was off it. I don't really know what to do. It feels like a stupid pointless existence. My life 1 year ago was ten times better than it is now. One bad decision basically lead to all this and it's still hard to accept. I'm probably going to be enlisting in the navy or become an officer, so i can get some semblance of financial freedom. What else is there to say? I've no idea, really everything feels meaningless and pointless to me. I miss my old concerta and being on campus. I've yet to make  a single friend and am isolated all day with nothing to look forward to. Everything is so pointless... I'll probably go to the gym and maintaining my habits is becoming progressively harder to maintain, no surprise there. I'm still in awe that all of these issues from lack of girlfriend, to shit living are all caused due to a lack of a chemical. It's really amazing.. There isn't really much for me to do anymore. All I can do is wait and be patient...Which I'm bad at.. Wish me luck.

[MichaelFocus22]

  10-17-2018 As I've stated I will continue to update this thread for reference, to others who wish to gain an understanding of ADHD-PI only, also known as the dreamer type of Attention Deficit Disorder.  Where Am I now? Last I informed, you I'd gotten fired from another work and then quit my first and most important work and then everything I loved was destroyed before my very eyes and mentally it's still hard to accept my reality. Invariably I made this thread while still In San Jose, when I was FINALLY in a successful position. As of late, my stamina is lower than it normally is and I've successfully gone off porn once again and ceased my addictive tendencies once again. Things appear to be getting better as of now. I've been able to split my rent and have high prospects for a new potential  position as a security guard. It appears to be going OK yet it's really nothing extraordinary and my focus is mediocre. I still workout as much as I can and am still very consistent yet I have to run off emotions to power through and get through many of my tasks. Thus, anger and rage is very useful for fueling you when you have no dopamine, but rather you get yourself in a high stress state to raise your arousal level, which is fairly useful. Many people get scared of me when I do this, which is rather amusing. Anyways, Like I said the Idaho folk forced me to take a moronic test and then extending the date, because they basically want me without medication, which is ironic. Secondly, I'm still seeing a therapist on a regular basis and have an executive coach, I will probably have these two for the rest of my life, more or less.Psychiatry wise, no stimulant seems to work anymore and it angers me to no end. Yet, being on the medication I was unable to dictate the vibe, dexerdrine has no real effect and concerta barely works anymore while only making suicidal and full of rage much of the time, so that also is useless. I'm pretty transparent with my ADHD now and just tell everyone I have it. It spares me the hassle of having to pretending to be a neurotypical when i will inevitably fail. Evert-hing is OK, it's not amazing, it's not even close to what I used to be. I suppose, I will just be grateful that everything is OK. With pomodoro timers, scheduling, timers, and goal setting I'm doing fairly decent. I'm still full of anger and rage at not being able as of yet to fulfill the true glory and power, that I desire but it appears to continue to elude me. So here's a few insights:

 

                        Insight 21: Rage and Emotion= Good fuel to finish and complete tasks, by raising your arousal state temporarily. Don't do this often or you will destroy your health. I don't really care because I want results .

                       Insight 22: Your structure WILL FALL APART: It's going to happen at some point or another despite all your efforts to hold it together you will eventually mess up somewhere, miss a details, say something stupid despite your best efforts and you WILL FAIL. So just accept this now. 

                      Insight 23: Aging changes perspectives: As you age and continue to fail over and over and eat mud. Your perspectives about the world will evolve over time to reflect your new reality. You will realize what is fundamental to YOU and your existence. Is it glory, honor, money, wealth, or simply being average? Once, you realize this you will calm down over-time into your pre-defined wealth class and status class that you will likely be in. Be very careful, with this transition because it will dictate the LIFE STRUCTURE for the rest of your life. As you slowly gain, more seniority and more scholarships, achievement you will be able to dictate more situations be living more comfortably then you ever did in your crappy childhood growing up. So it definitely, gets better over time but you must absolutely be DISCIPLINED.

                      Insight 24: Recognize what matters: It's time to remember what is important. I personally enjoy my friends and value my relationships the older, I grow, I enjoy connecting with people. Yet goals are equally or more important. So define for yourself, what matters, remember you don't get to have both. Goals require sacrifice as do friendships.

                      Insight 25: Your not perfect: Just recognize that despite all your efforts all that you do you won't be a neurotypical. As much I hate their guts and envy their dopamine, you will never be one. So spare yourself the misery.

                      Insight 26: BE AGREEABLE: Focus on agreeing with people, stop sharing your unqiue point that no one cares about. Stop blurting stuff out, if your unable to attend to the conversation due to executive functions, then excuse yourself. Don't make an ass of yourself or you will regret it. Focus on conforming and you will ACHIEVE more than non-conforming. 

 

                                         I will continue to update this thread to help my fellow brothers, who are having their lives chronically destroyed by this disorder. It gets better but it takes time. If you believe you've had your life, destroyed . I've had it much more so, just keep plugging away and don't stop. I must EMPHASIZE this DON'T STOP, KEEP GOING. Goodluck .

[jack black]

you have failed to convince me you have primary ADHD. especially the fact you react badly to stimulants suggests to me you have emotion problems. i dunno, borderline, autism, or maybe just high on neuroticism trait. Have you ever taken a personality test? You know, the official big 5, not some pseudo-scientific one.

 

have you ever bee taking anything emotion stabilizing? time to try IMHO.

Edited by jack black, 18 October 2018 - 04:05 PM.

[MichaelFocus22]

   I don't have autism or borderline personality disorder, Most of the symptoms are largely Anxiety, and inability to attend to a task, everything else is merely a side effect of ADD-PI. Notice, I identify as ADD-PI which is an entirely seperate from the classical hyperactivity disorder, more or less. I would love to autistic, now that I think about. To be clear I've only done dexerdrine and concerta, I've never really deviated from anything else. Irrespective, of this my ADHD-PI seems to be harder to treat and classical amphetamines like dexerdrine messed with my testosterone levels and gave me weird delusional thoughts. I was able to focus but only to a degree it wasn't even close to Concerta. What you see as Autism is caused by the concerta when it makes me a zombie and anti-social more or less. This is very common of such  drugs,  in the ritalin class of medication. What we need is a new medication that doesn't build tolerance nor gives horrible side effects. That remains to be seen if they will develop. I did take that personality test and it didn't inform me of anything of consequence. I'm open to suggestions, Obviously. If you know a cure I'm all ears, .

[Finn]

you have failed to convince me you have primary ADHD. especially the fact you react badly to stimulants suggests to me you have emotion problems. i dunno, borderline, autism, or maybe just high on neuroticism trait. Have you ever taken a personality test? You know, the official big 5, not some pseudo-scientific one.

 

have you ever bee taking anything emotion stabilizing? time to try IMHO.

 

Agreed. There is really nothing in inattentive ADHD behavior that causes dean to perceive you as threat to campus safety, causes female co-workers to report you, gets police called on you, gets you restraining order against you etc. 

 

    

 Oh and before that the previous dean, somehow thought I was a threat to students on the campus at the start of the semester which was insane. 

 

 

                               Well, my last job I got fired for the 12th time because I flirted with girls, and was reported. So it's probably best I stop doing that anyways. I'm sure if I hadn't done, that maybe I'd have my job and not be on my PHONE. Then again the job, was horrendous but I needed it. So what to say and what to do? I don't care anymore, Girls=waste of time. Learn this and you'll save yourself alot of pain.Like alot and probably some jobs. I probably lost 5 jobs flirting with co-workers on accident. I repeat never ever do this.  

                             

 

 

       Anyways a girl named joevannah, invariably was able to get me reported, a girl of 18 years old, a mere neurotypical outplayed me POLITICALLY, over something incredibly petty, because of my inability to regulate my emotions accordingly. Thus I had the POLICE called on ME, an HONOR STUDENT, who served the university, and I ended loosing everything. Learn from my mistakes, remember you will, have an urge TO LEAVE your job, DO NOT DO that. Great things are achieved through COMMITMENT, NOT half completed projects, you WILL make SMALL MISTAKES, so DON'T take a job with small details, you will SCREW yourself. Like seriously it doesn't matter what you DO, the only thing that helped was a consistent sleep schedule, even then he was going to fire me anyways. Recognize that you aren't a classic wage earner. Recognize that your a LEADER not a follower. I'm a horrible follower and I despise not having my team work my way. Every time I toke charge I had someone undermine me, even though I KNEW I could do the job better than them UNDER MY COMMAND. So you will be WEAK at teamwork, poor emotional regulation places you at a disadvantage in work politics. I got BURNED alot. Remember that you will BE undervalued, and they won't recognize your merit or hard work. It was I who did alot of the work, yet I never got any credit. Above all else recognize, you will feel CHRONICALLY insecure because your whole life you've been a reject, so you WILL FEEL at some point they will FIRE you.  I really battled these thoughts as best as I could, yet what you think is what your reality WILL become. This is a FACT, be very careful what you think. If you begin thinking these thoughts, just quit the job, it's not for you.  If I had done' that I'd been Ok, learn to accept your flaws. Their's only so much you can compensate for.   I really want future people to BE CAREFUL with your work, and don't pretend your normal , you WILL NEVER BE NORMAL. I lost 5000 dollars, became homeless, got suspended from my university, got a restraining order, lost my psychiatrist, battled with depression, lost my reputation

[jack black]

  classical amphetamines like dexerdrine messed with my testosterone levels and gave me weird delusional thoughts..

 

dude, if low dose stimulants give you psychosis, you are on the schizotypal personality spectrum. who gave you the drugs in the first place?

[MichaelFocus22]

     First, off your making many many assumptions, it wasn't a psychosis and I've never ever had a psychosis. Stimulants such as dexerdrine, mess with your testosterone levels as an unintended side effect of the stimulant, I'm merely saying that it doesn't work for me. It also made me cough horribly and caused to act even stranger than on say concerta for example. Thirdly, that was from my psychiatrist after 5 months of study about the drug, because I believe that it would ameliorate some of the obvious cons of methlyphenidate. Fourth, of all I'm absolutely not autistic, nor skizotypical, I'm actually very charming and enjoyable when I'm myself. Fifth, of all  their are many subtypes of ADD, with variety of differing effects dependent upon what is occurring at the time and place.  Finally, to address FINNS grievances as I feel he seeks to discredit me of some agency, that it's important to not make assumptions about the content of these occurrence and I assure you, If you actually look at the video, I posted on my youtube channel. I'm none of these descriptions you appear to be implicating which is of disconcerting grievance to myself because this may detract from people who ACTUALLY want to learn what's going on  with this disorder and the devastation it causes. Irrespective, it's of importance to keep on topic to the intention of my thread. Finally, it's important to understand ADHD diagnosis causes a wide range of dsyfunctions that are not accounted for within the given DSM, that are subtle and nuanced. Such as destruction of relationships, inability to attend to details, finding your items being lost chronically, saying inappropriate or impulsive sayings, disrespecting rules and regulations, emotional dsyregulation, RSD or rejection sensitivity dysmphoria ect. Thus, these factors translate but aren't limited to, fits of rage, chronic addictions, pornography addiction, alcoholism, gaming addiction, financial insecurity,  lack of relationships, social isolation,inability to accomplish your goals. So yes it is, in the description of the disorder. Thank you very much.  For any other potential readers, Feel free to Pm me, if you have questions with the disorder, I will happily answer any .

[gamesguru]

Listen kid, I can tell by the shape of your paragraphs you need help.  Drugs you do not need, education you do not need.  But guidance and love and time you surely need.  And to get a job, skills and confidence you will need.  And to subtly transition into yoda-eseque soliloquy, well for that you need only the clothes on your back.

 

The thing with how you're reading into ADHD symptoms is it's just wrong.  It's like wearing a glove on your foot just because it's made of spandex.  It's like going to Wal-mart for groceries and leaving with a TV.

 

If you are young your symptoms will probably get worse, to the point of legitimately questioning that ADHD explains it all.  You will feel burdened and depressed and likely to retreat, but never back down in the face of pain.  Weeping soldiers make for easy targets.

[jack black]

             Anyways, here is my youtube  feel free to subscribe

 

I checked out your video.

dude, you don't act like ADHD. I'm not a psychiatrist, but maybe you need something like Seroquel or similar drugs.

[jack black]

Listen kid, I can tell by the shape of your paragraphs you need help.  Drugs you do not need, education you do not need.  But guidance and love and time you surely need.  And to get a job, skills and confidence you will need.  And to subtly transition into yoda-eseque soliloquy, well for that you need only the clothes on your back.

 

The thing with how you're reading into ADHD symptoms is it's just wrong.  It's like wearing a glove on your foot just because it's made of spandex.  It's like going to Wal-mart for groceries and leaving with a TV.

 

If you are young your symptoms will probably get worse, to the point of legitimately questioning that ADHD explains it all.  You will feel burdened and depressed and likely to retreat, but never back down in the face of pain.  Weeping soldiers make for easy targets.

 

Man, you know how to express yourself with erudition!

 

I had to look up soliloquy and still don't know what you meant by "transition into yoda-eseque soliloquy."

[gamesguru]

You mean it wasn't subtle?  I dropped out of physics to do computer science, no one ever said I was dumb save for some blonde chicks i met by the science/engineering building

 

But I agree the OP is suffering more than ADHD: the jagged, unconventional way his thoughts flow, the aura, the mystique, and above all, the negative ideation.  If this boy isn't on some strong dope and fake acid, he must have inborn schizotypal tendencies.  And judging by how animated his face is, he seems to be on some sort of treatment already.. most schizotypals have flat affect.

 

I was working on an herbal stack to help people with these things, but for me quitting weed was the easiest solution.  Really forgot about it, but I think magnesium threonate, theanine (Japanese tea), red ginseng, curcumin, and quercetin (red onion) are good things to try first.  They all should (theoretically) modulate dopamine and glutamate in the desired directions.  See if they some of those help, if not there is more to try.  And use common sense in your life, it looks like you have broad shoulders and frequent the gym.  Keep up on that.  Cook for yourself.  Think for yourself.  Be unconventional.

[MichaelFocus22]

    11-25r-2018  Greetings My fellow ADHD-ERS, I've decided to continue to update this thread despite, some negative feedback. Just some updates, true to my ADHD form my structure continues to fall apart and I proceeded to waste 10 hours doing nothing and it felt pretty good actually to not give a fuck. My structure continued to deevolve over a long period of time partially due to my increasing exhaustion and just inability to maintain my old habits. It was taking a significant amount of willpower to maintain these habits which invariably fell apart on me and then this thanksgiving break something snapped in me, when I finally found a part-time job I was happy but working long hours and what not. My job is perfect for me but exhausts all of my willpower to where I don't want to do anything afterwards. I'm also working to become an army officer, but frankly most of this shit feels pointless anyways, as my  structure continues to decay overtime. I've wasted 3 consecutive days on old habits and it felt decent, but I will go back to my old ways which will take a few weeks to recover from. I may decide to get to medicated again because although my life is good, I'm unable to sustain these habits indefinietily. My hypothesis I made a year and half ago was wrong.  I theorized that if you did a habit long enough that it would become automatic,I'm afraid this simply isn't the case. The path remains unclear to me, I suppose I can reform myself once again but I suspect I will have these episodes again freetime seems to exentuate these issues. It's ironic I worked so hard to become successful only to stop caring. This is another clear illustration of how ADHD destroys your life. Education, knowledge none of it means shit unless you care. I'm open to nootropic options again or pills hopefully that aren't banned by the military. Frankly, I'm sick of being like this it's very fucking annoying. To be clear dexerdrine didn't work but only gave me sustained endurance at the cost of messing with my testosterone levels. With concerta I may accomplish alot but become a zombie and be incapable of dictating the vibe. I need someothing that allows me to focus and regulate my impulses without messing with my personality to much. If this continues, I may simply medicate again. I've explored nicotine options, it doesn't seem palpable to me. Regardless, My life is ok but I've been unable to really be constructive anymore.  It will take weeks to undo the damnage that I did in only 3 days. Probably 3 weeks. I'm lucky the semester ended or this might have ended significantly worse. Managing school and work is much harder than just doing school alone, I've been finding as of late. I've recently comeback from church and thoroughly enjoyed it. Life appears to be ok but I'm still open to medication or other suggestions on what else could improve my cognitive function over time. As I've stated before, if you have ADHD and there is medication that works for YOU and doesn't affect your personality, then I thoroughly reccomend using it accordingly. It's of great pertinence that the ADHD wall still remains to a great degree which is of significant dissappointment  to me. Anyways, keep going and don't stop. Just thought I'd give an update .

[jack black]

    11-25r-2018  Greetings My fellow ADHD-ERS, I've decided to continue to update this thread despite, some negative feedback.

 

dude, this is not negative feedback. everyone is trying to tell you you don't have ADHD, but more like schizo personality I guess? why do you react to this so negatively? Is this part of your paranoid symptoms? I'm sure it's hard for you to have insights. You need to see a health professional.

 

read about negative symptoms to see if it matches what you have.

Edited by jack black, 26 November 2018 - 04:50 PM.

[MichaelFocus22]

  It's rather ironic, that the intention of this thread was to be purely demonstrative purposes yet you keep inferencing upon what I responded to. I've  already responded to this in a previous response thread, which received little acknowledgement and I've already told you about 5 times already, that the diagnosis that cameback wasn't skizotypal by 2 confirmed psychiatrists. So please refrain from the AD-hominem attacks I feel I'm getting here. My intention is to help others not to start a debate with you. For your information, I investigated everything you said and no it doesn't fit what I have at all. If It did I would be cured by now which has not been the cause. I reccomend you look at my responses which appears you only skimmed through.  I'm also seeing professtionals regularly, so I would appreciate it if you showed a bit more respect to me. It's negative feedback because I've replied to you about and your inferences about five times yet you seemed convinced when I've gotten official diagnosis and been tested for skizotypal and cameback NEGATIVE.  I'm not reacting to it, I feel this is  not assisting with the mission of this thread which is to educate people.  Let us keep this a positive environment and quit outright dismissing me. Thank you. 

[jack black]

fine. i apologize.

over and out!

[MichaelFocus22]

12-1-2018

 

                             It's getting colder in Moscow, as of late and it appears to be dreary as usful and in a little bit I will be off to work. Most of my potential has leveled out, in large part due to the problem of being unable to sustain my behaviors due to a lack of dopamine. This has been my hypothesis time and time again, Eventually you will run out of willpower to force yourself to do these behaviors and activities. It appears the gradual evolution of development of my work has imposed upon me a night schedule which is terrible upon my sleep cycle and heavily extentuates my impulsivity. Today I did almost nothing because I was so exhausted from the work and sleep deprivation in general. Meanwhile the neurotypcials appeared not to skip a beat and appeared to be unaffected by any of the issues that I've struggled with. I'm still battling old addictions again. So it's not real of much surprise no consequence within this respect. I have one interesting insight to over, One addiction leads to a slippery slope of many other addictions while stopping all addictions leads to good producitivity. It's the classical all or nothing situation once again I find myself in. So you must be absoltuely disciplined or you will fail but ofcourse you know that don't you? Perhaps, I'm just typing now for cathartic purposes to make my existence a little less tolerable. Somedays I just exist despite my moderately successful life. After all my grades are decent and I finally have a good job. Yet it means nothing to me really.  ADHD is a  form of brain damnage. Period. It's not a gift. It's not a skill nor ability to give you an edge. What type of gift wastes 8 hours of non-refundable time for youtube? That's called a wasted economic investment. Insight 2. You will be susceptible these "ADHD Binges" when you use excess willpower or have lots of unstructured time, typically it's triggered by an action and leads to an invariable slippery slope. I currently am in Army ROTC, but I still want to get medicated again, I personally hate hate hate being unmedicated it's dogshit. Yet, I hate being medicated because of becomig a zombie. It's unclear what to do anymore. Hopefully a few of these insights have helped you. Don't end up an ADHD statistic..

[MichaelFocus22]

12-17-2018    So where am I now, in this game of life between the bounds of achievement and underachievement? What's the meaning of all this? Originally, I'd come to this forum searching for answers or the inevitable cure, for ADHD and we all know it continues to elude me and you despite all the efforts and everything we do.  Moscow, is underwelming and I don't really care for it frankly. It's of curiosity, to note that ADHD makes you overreact many of times and I've gotten significantly better at redirecting my overreactions when my RSD goes on the frits. Yet, I really dont give a damn anymore. I don't care that I have a good job nor do I care about my apartment and all the nice things, I have. The unbridgeable gap between Achievement and power, is what I desire more than anything. To live my lifes mission is what I really want to do yet, even this eludes me despite how much I seek it. It's of my own realization, that my hatred of the neurotypicals, is not their ability but the fact that their living the life that I SHOULD be living but am not. Is it envy? Oh yes,  and the inability to get my medication further infuriates me to no end.  Even, when I do attain it, I will be isolated anyways, so what's the point anything? A friend at my old church, ended up blowing his brains out and for good reason. He had ADHD as well and had been battling for 55 years. He wanted to believe that nature could cure his disorder, yet he was sadly mistaken. My church was shocked by his passing because he seemed so normal and they say he would go into the "darkness" and comeback a new. Yet the next time, around he didn't comeback and he didn't want to comeback. So he ended  himself, and gone he was. Comparably, I should be happy assuming I can pay off my last 500 in parking tickets with my 3.7 yet I remain incredibly unhappy. Unhappy at the constant and persistent reminders of my defect and inability to hedge it towards my advantage. Perhaps, I may be ranting but it needs to be said. Don't waste your time living to NT expectations or competing you will fail time and time again. This is merely an extentuation of my inability to stimulate myself at the gym. TBC.

[MichaelFocus22]

12-22-2018   Greetings, My fellow Longecity, I may stop updating this thread at some point because I really don't have many more useless insights to give you anymore. I don't care about helping you all anymore. I really don't care.  I've done my best in all I could do to create a generational shift towards adovacy for ADHD and all that it represents but ofcourse, it was still meaningless. It was especially amusing earlier, in this thread to be accused of Skizotypal. It really, was when I've dedicated my life to solving this shit but regardless, I must be crazy surely. It's really fucking amusing. Am I salty? No, I'm not it's just hiliarious how these other posters, believe they have unique insights. Yet, you have no unique insights, I've given them all aready in this thread, so it surprises me, that I'd checked for the diagnosis but it was PROVEN wrong time and time again. By my OWN PEOPLE that I've worked to helped is what pissed me off the most.You honestly, think I like being like this? I would rather not exist frankly. I'm perfectly ok with this option as well. Really, I am.  Life will go on swimmingly. What's the rise of this negativity?  Well, I've finished and quit my job at Wendy's now because of the same exact story of skizotypal LOL. I worked was at every shift, didn't make any snide comments, worked to being positive, got their EARLY every fucking day, went to therapy and had an executive coach still didn't mean shit. Same shit over and over and over. Make little mistakes no matter what and feeling chronically exhausted because my willpower tank was empty, yet they expected me to continue onward as usual. Oh, but obviously,  their's nothing the ADHD diagnosis about that right guys? No but their, is if you actually studied it which you fucking didn't.  The same reoccurring trend, they point out my mistakes and no matter what I do mistakes still HAPPEN regardless of the effort that I put in. Constant, reprimands for this and that, over and over and over and over. I make the corrections and then they find something else. Then I get threatend my RSD is trigged and I deal with 2 hours of negative feedback cycle then I have to unintrench my thought cycle. Then I collapse at 1 am exhausted and do it all over again. What's most profound was that their was NOTHING WRONG with the JOB. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. Yet, something kept happening, a dish would break, little mistakes over time became accumulated over time, irrespective of what I did and regardless of how I plan.  Why does this matter? It means this is a pattern of my employment and it means, that I will struggle in the long term at planning beyond to make any future progress. It appears I'm incapable beyond a certain extent to improve until I reach a certain level. This is INCREDIBLY profound because I'm forever stuck in the present no matter what I do.  So I don't give a shit at ALL anymore. Don't tell me to get over it, I will not. Until you reach my point you won't know the feeling. So I've made peace with it and I'm going to live  a below average and moderate existence and that's all. Nothing more nor nothing less. End of discussion. Why do I hate the NT'S? They live the life I SHOULD be living. This is why I hate them so much.  So, I'm going on medication and that's the end of it, I don't give  a fuck anymore. DO NOT GO UNMEDICATED,regardless of what those retarded NT'S(Neurotypicals) tell you. Their full of shit, if you do have real ADHD-PI.  I mean the REAL ADHD-PI.  It will have you constantly feeling incompetent, uncertain, chronically exhausted, life as a chore, ect. You will accurue thousands of dollars in parking tickets, have to deal with stupid social mistakes and get resented for it. You will get punished socially, underachieve, be called this disgusting word POTENTIAL. ONLY POTENTIAL, and that is ALL YOU WILL EVER BE. I don't give a fuck how hard you work,if you have real ADHD, you will NOT have enough energy. 

                                                  ADHD, the erectile dsyfunction of the mind,it's like asking to get hard and fuck a bitch but no matter how much u rub your cock it doesn't get hard. You ejaculate early and you look like a fucking idiot.  That's what ADHD get's you. You will FAIL and you won't know WHY, because your just lazy. If you have real ADHD, you will get corrected by stupid fucking little kids, who are 18 and they will correct you over and over and over and over and over. Simply, because those monkeys have better brains. Your fucking stupid pharmacist will tell you that it's TYPE-2 drug when you know more about the entire psychiatric field then, a PHD in the field who's been mindlessily indoctorinated into their own status quo bubble.  Your therapist will say over and over your not agreeable. You go through 45 therapy sessions and it seems to work but it still fucking fails. You will practice and you will make progress but go unmedicated and ADHD says " FUCK you,motherfucker your getting back in the darkness where you belong, we need more dopamine stimulus." You will deal with this stupid piece of shit everyday hijjacking your intentions and you will be a chronic liar. I lie 5 times as much unmedicated to make up for my fuck ups and having to manipulate people. Even this WILL NOT BE ENOUGH. You will lie about your achievement to put a facade like a psychopath, you will pretend to like them but in reality you fucking hate NT'S.. People tell me to stop having rage but fuck them. It's bullshit, why should I be enslaved to the status quo of expectations. Yet they MAKE the game you play or you LOSE. You will proceed  to have many and many superficial relationships and use your charm but in the end they don't give a fuck about you and they never will.  You will be deemed witty and funny but you'll never be apart of the in crowd, because you seem like a loser. Girls? Forget about it, you will enslave yourself to pointless hobbies that will never get finished and projects that don't get anywhere. You will not have money, to barely even live and working one year will be a glorious achievement, while the NT'S laugh at this kid.  Your future GF, who is NT with High EF, will be attracted to the metaphysical image of what YOU are but it will never be YOU.Your achievements? Forget about that to, it will be medication driven and that's why you will hate the world. The girl liked you for your stability, your money, and your power. Not your personality, not your work ethic, not your love of life. Nothing. Emotional Regulation? Forget about that to, you will suppress your emotions or blow up into a volcano because your afraid of making impulsive emotional judgments that will further destroy your already non-existent social life? Goal planning? Forget about it you, will work towards  a medium goal and then you will forget about it and you will be forever a generalist aka good at nothing.  Consistency? Forget about, it you will get chronically tired and your willpower will run out and you will be in excruciaitng mental agony having to do MANUALLY sorting thousands of thoughts what NT'S do subconciously, then you will workout for YEARS and a skinny piece of shit NT' does more pushups than YOU. Your so smart? Forget about it, you will amass huge quantities of worthless information to make up for your shitty self-confidence because at least your smart and creative, meanwhile some drunk piece of shit, who smokes weed,and takes meth will be 5 times more successful than you and you will look like a fucking idiot. You will have a library of half finished books and then one day you will finished one book but it feels like going through a brick wall having to go through all of the details.You will be reactionary and passive and slowly build dependence on people who you will take advantage of, because you know your not sustainable on your own, therefore you become a parasite and you destroy everything in your wayk and then you'll blame the world for your problems. You  will, be susceptible to all the disgusting addictions imaginable and you won't give a fuck because it feels good right? So more must be good and you will ignore FOOD, WATER, SHELTER? Who cares, I'd LOVE to starve and die to FEEL GOOD. You want nice things? Forget about it, your shit will fall apart, you'll stain it, break it drop it and you'll find yourself wasting vast quantities of money having to constantly buy new shit because your mistreat your items but you don't known why it's happening. Financial wealth? Forget about it, you will carry your bank card around and you'll spend on worthless hobbies and food because you don't care about cooking and you go broke and then you'll be homeless. Then you'll dig yourself out of the whole and you'll say " SUFFERING Makes me stronger," meanwhile BOB joe is fucking a hot girl and is in hawaii. He meets you at the bar, because your about to drink yourself into a stupor to get the day over with, he will be like "JOHNNY DO XYZ then you'll be good." You'll do it and STILL FAIL. OH but you just need to learn from your failure but you WILL NOT learn from your failure. You NEVER EVER will. Oh but you want to do moderation? Forget about it, it's all or nothing baby. It's either I'm super organized or I'm just a homeless bum.  You want marriage? Forget about it, your wife will resent you then divorce you for half your shit because you a piece of shit provider and then she realizes that love wasn't enough for the superficiality of life.  You want  a promotion? Forget about it? Why promote you when your just an unreliable piece of shit who's on prohobation because he crashed the company car, SO FORGET ABOUT THAT TO. Let's hire  JOHNNY JR co-ceo nice NEWCOMER he get's alot of them details and the babe on your arm. You want medication? Forget about it, your just a druggy who want's to get high so NO for you.  You get medicated? Forget about it, you will be incapable of having good social interactions with limibic system suppression, so who gives a fuck about achievement? I'm damned if I do and DAMNED if I DONT, at least I don't deal with the ADHD BULLSHIT baby. You have an amazing idea? Forget about it, you'll complete it half way then have to see it in your room over and over and over constantly reminding you of your deficit.   You want CHILDREN? FORGET ABOUT THAT TO? YOU WANT TO CURESE THEM WITH THIS SHIT? Then GO ahead JUNIOR, curse them and deny them ALL OF THIS because your so egotistical you need to spread your genetic flawed seed. You want to care what people think? Well, you won't give a fuck because you know better because you have amassed so much knowledge so quit talking and LISTEN TO ME. OH WAIT, you won't applicate, so you'll seem like that weirdo, who talks to himself about visions that will never be, meanwhile bobby ray fucks for days and is a total fuck up, but the ladies love that? You got the girl? Forget about it, society creates this expectation that you have failed upon as well. She will resent you for your flaws and failures and she will see a whole ocean of selection because of hypergamy while you have a petty low class chick, who's settled on you because your barely enough. Oh wait, then there's more, then you'll be reprimanded by your managers over and over and over and over. Then you'll get fired again and again, Progress? Forget about IT? Your progress will be purely limited to the abstraction of willpower of concious improvement that does NOT INTEGRATE TO SUBCONCIOUS THINKING. SO FORGET ABOUT IT.  You will spend thousands and thousands of dollars on thing you want then they will sit in your apartment and you will wonder why you got it.  YOU WANT TO USE YOUR TIME WELL FORGET ABOUT IT BABY. WHAT IS THE CONCEPT OF TIME, WHO KNOWS? It's RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW BABY. I'm ready to on the fast track the fast lane, to the deadline to the inzone and to the inpast, fuck it all baby.  You want to work towards a long term OBJECTIVE, FORGET ABOUT IT BABY, WE 2 KIDS HERE YOUR higher self and lower self. Except the 5 year old is in charge and they get to man the ship into jagged rocks, and you KEEP saying not BUT IT SAYS YES, OH BABY JAGGED ROCKS IT IS. Then the stupid child starts whining like a bitch when it's not stimulated and you have to FIX THE MESS AND DEAL NT expectations AND  stimulate yourself to BE HALF ASS. OH BABY SO FUN. You will WORK TWICE as hard for a medicore result. Meanwhile johnny K, effortlessily  learns xyz  and is an A student Oh Baby. You mad bro? Hahaha, you just gotta work harder bro?  SO FORGET ABOUT IT. You want to go the NATURAL ROUTE FOR TREATMENT, FORGET ABOUT IT BABY. Your therapist will talk about your issues then you'll do xyz and it's the same story again and again. Obviously, I want to be a LOSER because I wasted my time on 50 therapy sessions. You will talk about the ISSUE TIL PAINT DRIES, OH BABY. Forget about it. You will get some stacks worth 500 dollars and they work but don't work, for 5% of what concerta does? FORGET ABOUT IT BABY. You will have your OWN people accuse you of not being ADD when you worked so fucking hard to help them and be shunned like a piece of dirt? I DON'T BELONG TO ND NOR NT, SO why bother? OH BABY. Forget about that to. You want to REMEMBER things? Forget about that baby. I LOVE loosing my keys, my DRIVERS License, this is the chaos life. OH BABY. YOU WANT ORDER IN YOUR LIFE, FORGET ABOUT IT BABY, I'm an ANARCHIST It's chaos, that's my life BABY. You want FRIENDS, FORGET ABOUT IT BABY. YOU'LL BE SEEN AS ALOOF And therefore a snob because obviously not wanting to be around people means your anti-social in reality, you LOVE talking to people, you just keep tunning into the FLY because it's SO INTERESTING compared to a MILLION DOLLAR investment deal. Then he will SAY BYE BYE and offer it to an NT. I can go on and on. ADHD is such a minor name to what is such a profound disorder.   Do Not go unmedicated, it's fucking stupid. Period. Do not listen to these liars,the NT'S  are cheaters who are more stimulated than you who can get a hard cock while your limp then they will say you gotta get hard bro but you, fail no matter what. Do not, ever Go unmedicated unless your have the hyperactive type. Forgive my language, but I had to get this off my chest. It's sickening to live in this world with MY INTELLIGENCE and you look like a fucking imbecile, when your outclassed simply because of a simple chemical and few defects out of your control. I repeat my ADHD brothers, HEED my WARNING, DO NOT GO UNMEDICATED.  For those that believe, that I'm ADHD anyways or maybe I'm just  a normal with skizotypal right guys? Obviously, I don't know anything your so right. You want to believe it's a myth? Fine be my guess, waste your life going the natural route. Be 44 and then tell yourself " I lived a good shit  life of failure" and then you realize how far behind you reall are.  Be my guess but I'm done. Back to my meds where I BELONG.  I will take being a zombie than having to deal with the ABOVE every single day. I will not go back to that darkhole. You can go if you'd like, Maybe god is there. Maybe, he will help you.  I must REPEAT this, HEED ME, or you will suffer like no other. You are AT WAR AGAINST THE NT'S either you accept this or you will continue to get shit on over and over. Then your children will get shit on or you can deny your responsibility. It will take everyone to battle the majority dictatorship of the NT'S. If you do not fight your life will be a waste. Jail? Your already in one you just don't know it. You need to stomp these NT'S out and everything they represent or you will be the fringe, that the other destroyed minorities of history. That's the world you live in NOT INCLUDING the wealth minority we find ourselves in.  You might not like this answer and I don't give a fuck. You might expect fairytales and rainbows, but you and I both know your lying to yourself and we both know it. This is the reality and this is it. There's nothing else. For those, who have the will to fight take up your sword, your life will be for your children or they will live a repetition. As for me? I've made peace with it all. I'm ok being below average, I'm done with the NT expectations. Liberate yourself or shackle yourself. Your choice. I will live in a simple house and go for walks and read a book then die. The End.  I did my best. I really did, but this fight is bigger than you and I. This is what I've learned, you and I are insignificant. Make peace with it and move on.   Get your ass medicated or suffer what I went through in this thread. This is no laughing matter.

[MichaelFocus22]

    12-30-2018, I'm now just updating this purely out of boredom, sense I quit my last job at Wendy's Obviously. So, I know for a fact that this thread still have some type of audience, so obviously, it serves some purpose. This is more of an update on the medication aspect of ADHD and are concerns with the zombie effect problem that we are dealing with on some capacity or  another. I'm going to make a few clarifications on what the zombie effect is and what it is NOT. The zombie effect is perhaps, one of the most important aspects of ADHD, medication because as you all know it makes your mind go quiet and sometimes your unable to be able to socialize with your friends because either you miss social cues or you attain no joy from anything. So I feel that this clarification will be most useful because it will give you the TOOLS YOU NEED TO COMBAT IT. This is often expressed, the most displeasurable problem of the medication which I empathize with. Despite my previous thread of not giving a fuck about you, I do care even if I really really don't want . Ultimately, without caring we will all fall for a meaningless life, so I have no choice I guess.  So let's  get down to business what exactly is the zombie effect and why does it? The zombie effect affect different ADHD individuals differently depending upon the type of ADHD that you have. If you have ADHD-PI(Primarily inattention) you will find yourself with an underaroused immune system and by extension you will be stuck in your head naturally because your attempting to ignore the world because your nervious system is on a lower level, than your brain can provide. Next, is the ADHD which is the hyperactive type where your immune SYSTEM IS OVERAROUSED, meaning that you have  excess energy and excess activity of the basal ganglia, In some sense you are MORE BLESSED THEN US PI people because this excess energy can be used to channel into a productive form of inertia.  Finally, we have the ADHD combined type where you exhibit both types of ADHD, which is in itself a paradox. How can an individual have an underaroused immune system and a hyperaroused immune system. Well, this is fairly confusing yes, but I have a theory of what this really is. More, than likely, these individuals have a different FORM OF INATTENTION compared to PI individuals they probably have excess energy that manifests everywhere and are constantly tangential, yet probably miss many details, not because they are underaroused but because they are overaroused. So their basal ganglia, is overaroused while their PFC, may have some PARTS OF THEIR EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONS INTACT, while other portions might be missing. The distinctions on the combined type are a bit more complex and need more study. Often, times I've found these individuals to typically be women, who express good self-control but still have executive deficits and ARE COMBINED type and have EXCESS INTERNAL HYPERACTIVITY. So, combined type is probably the most complex type to address and I'm  not certain of how the zombie effect manifests, but it may just simply be a lower level of hyperactivity in the middle. So If I were to classify arousal types of, +1, +2,+5. Then we can respectively classify ADHD-PI with an arousal type of 1,  ADHD combined hyperactive as +2, and finally +5 for the hyperactive. So, we can understand that on a number line the arousal, states is the the type of DOPAMINE STIMULUS being provided to THE CNS(Central Nervious System), so the hyperactive individuals may have to much dopamine in certain, area which is a paradox. In the inverse order, ADHD-PI is -50 on arousal level for how much DOPAMINE is missing, so the less aroused you are the lower your arousal number will be and the more stimulant will be required to arouse your CNS(Central nervious System). It's important we understand these concepts and the distinctions and spectrums of ADHD because are stimulants will act significantly differently depending upon what type you have.

 

                         So the main problem of the zombie effect, causes a suppression of your LIMBIC system which is responsible for your CONTROL OF EMOTIONS. This is why you feel awkward around other people, is because sense concerta and other stimulants are NOT EXACT REUPTAKE INHIBITORS and target the entire brain instead of specific regions, it reacts differently depending upon the area of the brain. This is why, your unable to express yourself to other people because your ability to express emotions is impaired. Thus, also why you don't want to socialize if your PI, because ONE YOU HAVE NO REASON to socialize, because your arousal state has been meant hence, not that it makes you  a zombie but that you have no reason to socialize because your arousal level has been meant. Yet, you still feel unnatural, the suppression of the limbic system in PI, is typically more profound because we tend to be more isolated and stuck in are heads in comparison to the tactile individuals of the HYPERACTIVE TYPE. So, when you feel this odd feeling overcome you, know that your limbic system is suppressed and why your incapable of emoting. Thus, if your not capable of emoting then your NOT CAPABLE of MIRRORING other people social behaviors and the social interaction will just feel like a task to be done rather than enjoyed. Next, we have ADHD hyperactive type, here, these individuals typically have overactive emotions and they typically are the life of the party. This might be your chronic jock, alcholic or person who exercizes like a monster because he has to channel his excess energy somewhere else. Thus, CONCERTA, WILL STOP THE PRODUCTION OF OVEPRRODUCTION OF DOPAMINE, which RESULTS in them being calm. Hence, why they benefit signficantly more medication than a PI individual because their problem isn't necessarily a PFC(Prefrontal cortex) problem but a basal ganglia problem. So they will immediately and theoretically should reach normal emotions levels and why they become MORE SOCIAL AND NOT LESS. This is the only way we can explain the difference between those that become MORE ZOMBIELIKE and those that become LESS zombie. Their limbic systems are already overexpressing, so their tendencies will only be further extentuated. I will not be addressing the combined type because the biology of this adhd is more complex and typically in women. Which is something I simply, haven't studied long enough to give your honest and correct insights. So we understand. that the zombie effect is baseline in hyperactive while PI we become more zombie like because are issues are MORE INTERNAL THAN EXTERNAL. So who cares right? Why does this matter? It's important because when we understand the mechanism that causes the problem, WE CAN ADDRESS THE TARGETED REGION. 

 

                                            So what's the problem of the zombie effect? First, off  you must be ABLE TO DICTATE VIBES AND SOCIALIZE towards your advantage or your accomplishments will be absolutely pointless. Being a robot is not the goal. The goal, is being able to experience are emotions with PFC IMPROVEMENT And stimulation in the right artea, so that we can better attend to ALL LIFE TASKS AND NOT JUST A FEW.  The good, news is that the brain will overtime downregulate these side effects which I've been experiencing to a degree, which means that the reupdate suppresion of the limbic system needs to find a new BALANCE to be able to reallocate itself correctly. It makes no sense to expect  the zombie effect go away naturally because the brain has NOT had enough time to adjust itself to the new levels of dopamine. Which might explain the suppression of the limbic system, because one we naturally suppress it, two, stimulant medications target the entire brain and not the areas that are exactly impaired. It also important to realize, that this is NOT THE SAME as tolerance. The brain naturally seeks a form of balance and will allocate it to the AREAS THAT IT IS DEFICIT IN. In other words, it's finally using the DOPAMINE that it needs and why you feel less desire to abuse shit. Sense, the stupid 4 year old has his fucking toy, your brain is FIXING THE IMBALANCE AND ALLOWING FOR PROPER EMOTIONAL CONTROL once it's ADJUSTED TO THIS NEW NORM. Tolerance, is where your body BECOMES desensitized to the levels of dopamine because your constantly forcing for more and more dopamine to be produced to where it damnages the axon gaps. Are goal, is to MINIMIZE tolerance while ALLOWING for OPTIMAL DOPAMINE UTILIZATION. This insight, is very profound, because having dopamine is NOT THE SAME AS OPTIMAL DOPAMINE USAGE. It takes time for your brain to regulate it accordingly. So, the zombie effect SHOULD go away in theory, if you have found an area that ALLOWS for the balance STIMULATION WITHOUT CAUSING OVERSITMULATION. if you overstimulate your brain will shutdown and you will feel the same. You won't have access to the dopamine because the brain must protect itself. HOWEVER, if it's the correct level then the zombie effect will go away because it says this is the right amount and you will gradually GAIN CONTROL OVER YOUR EMOTIONS SLOWLY, OVERTIME until it becomes the new norm. I discovered this because at 36 MG CONCERTA, I was essentially the same functionally speaking which makes no SENSE.Yet, when I take 27 mg it's MORE effective because it's the right amount and although I've felt the zombie effect I still have access to my emotional faculties because it's the correct amount. This means, that the brain is capable of determing what is the right amount of stimulation. Thus, more IS NOT BETTER. 27 mg is 10 times more effective, while 36 mg gave me disgusting headaches, panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, which is rediculious. This is because the EXCESS DOPAMINE, is fucking with your limbic state and your body is TOO STIMULATED which makes sense. So you to combat the ZOMBIE state, you MUST take your meds consistently BUT NOT EVERYDAY. This is very confusing I admit but it's important to realize, that you must strike a balance in stimulation levels and utilization levels. Now what the fuck does this mean? In theory, you shouldn't get TOLERANCE build as long as it's the optimal stimulus level because your brain only will use as MUCH AS IT NEEDS. So the best period is 4 to 5 days a week with 2 off days.  This creates a period of uncertainty and gives your neurons time to recover. So you go ON AND OFF, ON AND OFF. By turning it off and on your depolarizing the neurons multiple times without a new normalization which is perfect because it will never get type to increase the dopamine levels. So, as long as you have the NORMAL DOPAMINE LEVEL, your brain demands, in theory you will never build tolerance. Yet, I need to do more research. This is all I have for now, just know that the zombie effect there is HOPE.

[Deaden]

Get this guy off the internet

[Deaden]

Overthinking is causing all of your issues. Your brain is tired by all this constant mind chatter of negativity and it’s numbing your emotions, drive, concentration, memory. You are so obsessed with success and your belief that you have no control over your symptoms because: “Oh! some paper on the internet aiming to make profit says I have ADHD” like it’s some brain disease you’ve been cursed with for life. Maybe someday you’ll realize that lifestyle, mind activity greatly influences production of neurotransmitters. There’s plenty of people that develop symptoms of adhd from excessive music listening, playing too much video games, or whatever. You spend hours a day researching, having cold analytic obsessive thoughts, you have no friends, no girlfriend, no hobbies. You seriously think that your poor lifestyle isn’t influencing your symptoms? It goes both ways. Give your brain a rest. Wake back to reality, spend time in nature, try to view life innocently, learn to enjoy the boring calming present moment, to find satisfaction in small things... Zombie effect is most commonly called blank mind. Guess what I could easiky link you dozens of testimonies from people that recovered from blank mind (zero concentration, no emotions...) permanently and naturally. QUIET YOUR MIND, RELAX. Perhaps understanding that your two biggest fears/obsessions: wanting to be successful, and getting rid of ADHD won’t happen anytime if you don’t let go off thinking of those things all the time might make it easier for you to commit to changing how you are. Most men that hold a well paid complicated job long term enjoy what they are doing. If they didn’t, if they felt like it was a pain to go to work everyday, then they’d have poor concentration and wouldn’t be nearly as productive. Interest goes with concentration, stop with the useless labels. Again, you’d have much more mind clarity, energy if you were happy, and therefore be more productive towards your goals. Daydreaming hours a day about what you want in life is the opposite of being productive. Besides, if you were happy, calm, you would be content with simple things like enjoying the warmth of the sun on your skin. You should never feel like you have to go trough the pain of living for a month so you can achieve something to feel satisfied. I bet you have tunnel vision, I bet that when you walk somewhere like your kitchen for example, you can’t feel the atmosphere around you, you don’t feel time passing, because you are so deep in your thoughts all the time. Like I said, I can tell you very strongly hold to your beliefs, but they are toxic for you. A normal life for a normal brain.

Edited by Deaden, 31 December 2018 - 01:23 PM.

[Deaden]

I took time out of my day to read your comments, to write this post, even with very little hope that you’d make sense of it, even if your problems do not concern me whatsoever... I did so out of pity. If you show just a bit of comprehension, open mindedness, then I will make a much more lenghty one, provide examples of people recovering from the exact same symptoms you have now, make sure you understand how those people relate to you, give you a plan to work with...

[Dichotohmy]

Drew, I'm going to be honest here and say I think you're trying too hard to sell your ADHD to us. ADHD, not even severe ADHD, necessarily means a lack of self-awareness, fatalistic hopelessness or coming across as so unhinged (WHY SO MUCH CAPS LOCK SHOUTING). I have a hunch you intentionally fail to proofread your posts or intentionally make simple spelling and grammatical errors, and you make no effort to lay out a logical progression of ideas in neat paragraphs that are easy for the focus and attention-deprived like us to comprehend, because you think it makes you look more "ADHD." Seriously, your posts are painful to try to read.

 

I have another hunch that, while you might indeed legitimately be ADHD-PI, there is some sort of autism-spectrum or PDD going on in the mix. I'm not a fan of suggesting that explanation, because there's not much one can do about it, but you just come across in your posts as lacking self-awareness and too obsessive - beyond ADHD-hyperfocused in my opinion.

 

Edited by Dichotohmy, 31 December 2018 - 04:45 PM.

[MichaelFocus22]

   I really don't care, what I will not stand is you committing AD-HOMINEM attacks against me when I'm here to help people with my story. Guess what? My thread, my Story. Don't like it don't read it. Now, I could sit here and waste my time arguing with you about why if your wrong if you had actually read the thread but you didn't. So who's fault is that? Like I said, Don't post negative or pointless posts that serve no functional purpose, even at my lowest I work towards a productive end. It's rather funny, really because your making so many assumptions that I've already addressed within the thread. Those threads are just streams of conciousness. The CAPS are meant for emphasis. Obviously, I will reformat the paragraphs eventually, I just don't care to do the work. Again, If  you don't like the thread then don't read it. I will revise the paragraphs because I've heard of these paragraph issues. That is all.

Edited by DrewMichael21, 31 December 2018 - 06:07 PM.

[LazyDave]

So how do we stop the overthinking and overanalyzing? Us ADHD'ers also (tend to) suffer from excessive worrying, negative thinking and anxiety. It is part of the disorder, just like "cold analytic obsessive thoughts" or OCD. I do think that too much music, videogames, porn etc. tend to have negative output. But stopping it won't be a cure. Daydreaming is part of this disorder, how could one ask from someone with ADHD to stop daydreaming and be more productive? It just doesn't add up. Nobody should be trivialsing this disorder. It is in it essence neurochemical. Although I dont respond that much in this topic (hard time actually writing and doing stuff, brainfog I guess), I do think you are doing a phenomenal job Drew and I really love reading you're insights. I can so relate with everything you write. Even the part where you write that we dont want to socialize that much with others. I do understand the suffering. I think you should keep us updated and posted. Where else am I gonna read such great information? Don't let other people stop you, they aren't suffering from this disorder and aren't seeing the seriousness of A(D)HD. Take me for example; I live in Europe. But I haven't had a steady job since the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers. So I have been practically unemployed for all those years. Its insane, if I think about it. Also have I just recently been prescribed Abilify by my psychiatrist for ADHD. Stop the Dexamphetamine, but pick it up if I want too. Care to comment on that? Best wishes to all of you for the new year!

p.s. don't take my bad English too much in account.

[MichaelFocus22]

I'm definitely beginning to wonder, if these folk have real ADHD, because if you have REAL ADHD-PI not HYPERACTIVE TYPE, You WILL relate to it. I've plenty of ADD friends and we all share the same insights and agree that these problems are real and debilitating.  Yes, it's absolutely insane and UNACCEPTABLE that you had no job just because something was out of your control and I believe it's fucking bullshit to be dismissed when I have a real disability. If I was normal, I would love it so much. Yet, I'm not and never will be so I accept it. Frankly, I would be fucking angry, because we LOSE YEARS OF LIVES having are brains HIJACCKED for stupid stimulus I don't care about really. So yes, I relate to your struggle, to feeling inadequate, to feeling like a failure with women, to feel like a social isolate, to being humiliated when I know for a fact, if i was Know I would be very very different. Psychotics are interesting drugs of ofcourse, so I haven't really experimented with them and I believe experimenting is a waste of time. The problem with some dumb psychiatrists, is they think they know what there talking about. They really don't.  One issue of ADHD-PI is that you can seem skizotypal or skizoprehnic or psychiotic but not really.  The chronic overthinking isn't the same as hearing voices. Talking to yourself isn't the same as interacting with an imaginary reality. You may be deemed psychiotic, because you don't socialize or your too blunt or you seem spacey.  Ultimately, most ADHD people do not HAVE skizophrenia but all people with SKIZOPHRENIA may have ADHD. Now what does that mean? That means if you have REAL ADHD, you won't get any type of psychosis because your so busy with yourself you never have time to interact with delusional thoughts. In fact, most people with ADHD are MORE AWARE of reality than NT(neurotypicals).

                                 Skizophrenics like my friend Benjamin, he started developing skizophrenia very early on this month which has devastated me because he gets me. He shows ADHD symptoms but they aren't real executive deficits they are imaginary ADHD, because skizophrenia fucks with your attention and makes you appear that you have ADHD, when in reality your so obsessed with these voices and chronic forms of paranoia that you ignore the external reality. Does that make sense? So you can have ADHD and SCHIZOPHRENIA, but you won't have real ADHD and skizophrenia. Now, these folk might disagree with me but I don't give a shit. I've studied this stuff for a very long. So obviously, should you take it? I would need to know more background into your issue and the type of ADHD you have. The types of ADHD and their medication treatments are VERY VERY IMPORTANT. If you get it wrong you could have suicidal thoughts and become  a horrid zombie. Is dexerdrine working for you? If so, what is your functioning capacity level relative to an NT(neurotypical). Is what you need to compare and do you have a reason to even be going on a psychotic. Abilify, is often reccomended by mis-diagnosis from my experience because they don't want you get stimulants is normally the typical privileged response I get from stimulated NT(Neurotypicals).  It is, possible to have a co-morbidity for bipolar disorder and ADHD, but the BIPOLAR is often the cause of the ADHD than the other away around from my observations. So again, I'd need more information. I was given an anti-psychiotic which was utterly ridiculous and did nothing except make me sleepy because the stupid nurse thinks she knows more when she is barely on DSM-4. That is all.