119 replies to this topic

[Dichotohmy]

   I really don't care, what I will not stand is you committing AD-HOMINEM attacks against me 

 

Ad hominem is not the same thing as constructive and tactful criticism. Just friendly advice: the real world is mean and you can't be so sensitive to rejection that you view all criticism as rejection or personal attacks.

 

 

Now, I could sit here and waste my time arguing with you about why if your wrong if you had actually read the thread but you didn't. It's rather funny, really because your making so many assumptions that I've already addressed within the thread.

 

I actually have read your posts, I'm just trying to say I disagree with some of your claims and rebuttals to suggestions from others.

 

 

 

Those threads are just streams of conciousness. The CAPS are meant for emphasis. Obviously, I will reformat the paragraphs eventually, I just don't care to do the work. Again, If  you don't like the thread then don't read it. I will revise the paragraphs because I've heard of these paragraph issues. That is all.

 

Very well, but I'm just pointing out to you that your writing style makes you appear rather unhinged, lacking in self-awareness, and that there is something more than ADHD-PI going on. That is why people are pointing things like that out in this thread. If you just want your own safe space free of any criticism, that's OK and I'll go away. Just know, that if multiple people are telling you something, maybe they aren't all wrong and those people are worth considering instead of outright disregarding.

Edited by Dichotohmy, 01 January 2019 - 08:23 PM.

[MichaelFocus22]

As I've reiterated if you had actually read the thread in it's entirety then you would have seen that I addressed those grievances, which it sounds like you haven't read it. So that's not my problems. Just go back a page and I address the issues of skizotypal, depression and all these nonesensical claims. You act as if I've ignored them which I have not. Secondly, the language being used is AD-HOMINEM attack if your simply ignoring what I've stated previously or that other derogatory individual saying profane language and wanting to pity me. Yes, take your stuff elsewhere, I have no problems with constructive criticism, However I will not tolerate being ignored when I addressed these criticisms and investigated them MANY of times. Finally I'm not here to gue with you, I really don't give a shit. So quit with it. If you have insights great, but this thread is about helping people. If your claims were true then I would have verified which  hasnt happen. As I stated my thread, my story. Don't like, don't read it.

Edited by DrewMichael21, 01 January 2019 - 09:22 PM.

[MichaelFocus22]

1-2-2019 This will be my last post for this thread for about a month before I go run. Happy new year to MY ND(neurodivergent) brothers, I want to emphasize something very simple but very profound you need to get medicated it will be like night and day. Before medication, I was a lazy piece of shit who would get burned out on everything and proceeded to spend 14 hours on youtube due to depression and became nihilistic about my future because of quitting my last job. My apartment was a mess, my shit kept falling apart, things broke for no reason, I had thousands of dollars in unpaid liabilities, my mind was always exhaustes and fatigued, I would sleep until like 1130 because my job destroyed my sleep schedule. I would feel like a victim despite my best efforts and I was NOT ABLE TO be consistent NO MATTER how hard I worked. Now with my concerta 27 mg, I've got my consistency and drive back and I'm reading the wealth of nations a 1300 page book, I'm already 110 pages in before that, I would yawn profusely and would think about other things unintentionally as I would read the book. With medication, I cleaned my car, my apartment, I broke all my bad habits again, I woke up at 5 am and don't feel exhausted anymore.  I'm better able to sustain my focus and attend to details better. I'm more excited to live rather than wishing to end my life. Anything for me feels possible again and this is the REAL me of what I should be of what ADHD has stolen from me. TAKE YOUR MEDICATION, it will change your life literally. I never thought I'd be running for the SAKE of running, that's how driven I am.  So I really want to emphasize, that you NOT taking medication is gimping your life and you will suffer horribly. Please take your medication. I went unmedicated and did everything I could do it was never enough. If you have real ADHD, there will be a gap that will be impossible to get past. My life feels amazing after one week on meds again. With medication you have a fighting chance. Oh and I wanted to add, I haven't lost anything in over 2 weeks which is a NEW.  Let us make 2019 even greater than the sum of are fuck ups caused by this fucking curse.

[MichaelFocus22]

      01/19/2019

                                      1. Ok, so it's been awhile sense , last updated this thread so I will fill you in on whats been going on as of late right now.   Obviously, I recently started another thread on sexual transmutation or SR which I've also been exploring some deeper pseudosciences that discuss the problems of energy imbalances and the ability in being able to dictate situations so that they should serve your advantage rather than your own disadvantage. I've ceased all forms of repulsive behaviors within this respects and they continue to pay dividends despite the skepticism fro the community on SR, I'm currently working on sexually transmuting this built up energy towards my advantage. As of now it's hard to ascertain if this sexual transmutation(SR) is going towards my advantage but it appears to have increased my charisma significantly and my ability to be able to dictate situations. Women have been throwing themsleves at me and what not but they are what I call the energy vampire type but these are SR concepts and have nothing to do with being able to achieve a great deal nor with dealing with ADHD. So moscow, Idaho has still been feeling underwelming to a certain degree. I'm currently going through all the crazy hoops that I need to do get another diagnosis for ADHD again because the people in Mocow, Idaho refuse to recognize my previous diagnosis which was given in california. The tests are over 8 hours long and luckily I can easily afford this abeit it's at an annoying cost of my time. So there is that. The cold is starting to disappear so things start to feel up a bit when I haven't been as secluded within my apartment as much and I'm better able to expand beyond myself. The winters in moscow are very depressing so it will take it's toll on you. So what do I have for you on ADHD insights?  Well, for college going individuals with well managed ADHD, you should be fine at the university as I can easily manage take a credit load of 20 units but keep in mind that University of Idaho is a joke of a university at best, and most the classes are very easily. Granted this semester my classes are significantly harder and are taxing my attention to detail. Finally, I will be structuring my threads sense their has been an apparent vested complaint that my threads are either too long and too detailed. So I will add A TLDR section and be numbering my paragraphs, so that you can better easily understand my texts. 

                                      2. I suspect that most individuals with moderate ADHD-PI and hyperactive type should be fine for the majority of college, because your capable of working in bursts of willpower, so you will be fairly able to get the majority of your courseworkdone. This is the strategy I'm going to be using to get into stanford graduate school, to further prove my superiority over NT(Neurotypicals). This is an INCREDIBLY ambitious goal and it remains unclear if I will be able to fulfill it. Obviously, I still suffer from impulsivity issues but interestingly once you practice SR almost ALL of your impulsivities go away but their are still their on a latent level. Ok so the basic strategy for AN ADHD-PI student, is taking classes within the humanities and taking the easiest courses possible to overinflate your grade. Make sure you take LOTS of math also, just so you can prove to your grad school that what your doing isn't all fluff. I reccomend picking up something super exciting and stimulating similar to what I've done in dance to prove that you can actually socialize after your done being a zombie. Make sure that you do all your homework everyday and use your pomodoro timer's and STICK TO IT. Use it when you need to do short burst assignments. Then you can active your hyperfocus for long assignments like math which you will inevitably make mistakes on, so I would definietly so that this remains very crucial in being able to maximize your college homework. I find that ADHD people should take UNIT overloads than low amounts of units because you will find yourself getting very bored if your not challenged at all. So for ADHD individuals I reccomend you do a maximum courseload every semester and also pickup a double major sense your not a specialist. So notice, that to maximize your college experience with ADHD, you need to make sure that your tailoring it to your ADHD, so that it suits your advantages rather than your disadvantages.  Always sit in the front of every single class and arrive 10 mins early on time. I do this for ALL my classes so that I get the most latent information and so that it proves to the professor that I'm eager to learn and to get a very good referral for myself, so that when I request for a letter of reccomendation I can easily request it at will.  Next, make sure you get medicated. I've been  speculating and working towards the best medication schedule and my take is probably 3 days a week your medicated and 4 days off, you don't  need to be crazy productive everyday. I know obviously, you want to be yourself but being yourself is going to hurt you more than it will help you. You need some zombie days so that you can really make the most of your potential. Remember in college their are no do-overs so do everything you can possible do. Don't shirk away from medication, it's a very good tool in preventing bad things from going wrong.

                                       3. If you do have real ADHD, you need to realize that not taking medication is gimping yourself against your own competition. They will outcompete you so you need all the advantages you can get your hands on to make sure that your on the correct path. In relation to WORK-LIFE, this is where my ADHD really makes me stick out like a sore thumb. Do not take a GRUNT JOB, You will fail HORRIBLY. You will never ever like it and don't even force yourself to do it, your just fighting with your brain. Even if you do get medication your wasting your potential. We ADHD individuals are not COGS in machines. We are the ones who run companies, who innovate, who invent new fields, who are at the top of the pack, who can generate the next revolutionary business who are meant to be the fucking lions who lead the sheep. So stop following this classical work model telling you to be a good worker, your not meant to be a worker. You NEED to find what encompasses your entire spirit and your whole being so that you can make a revolutionary difference and when you start to "grind" you won't need to have to be constantly exhausted because you will be hyperstimulated and you can sustain yourself accordingly. So use your generalist knowledge towards your advantage.

                                             3A. Insight: Generalist-Specialists: I call this generalist specialization, what your essentially doing is focusing on 3 to 4 interests and never deviating from these interests. Your keeping these interests, not because you want to be a master but rather you need only be in the top %25 to 10% is sufficient enough which is WELL within your ability to do so as long as you take your medication periodically to maintain your habits when you get bored of them Bored is the entropy that we fighting here and meds allows us to delay the boredom for a good long time. When you become good at 3 things you can generalize yourself to where your good enough to where people will make private contracts with you and you can make your own work on your own time and make good money. Do not take more than 4 interests or your merely wasting your time.

                                             3B. Fight New Interests: Beyond your work life make sure you don't take on new projects that your not willing to commit to for a long period of time. Without commitment then it's hard to build DEPTH and referalls to show your competency and tenure at a certain city. We ADHD people are very bad at this because we have the urge to constantly want change and you absolutely must fight this tendency or you will always be an entry level noob. 

                                             3C.  Find a good commitment: Find a good side internship and EXPAND upon it and don't stop working towards it even when your bored, if you feel you won't be able to sustain it don't even bothering starting to begin with because you will be misallocating your time which is essentially what you need to maximize your potential which we are notorious for wasting. Stay for 2/3 years and things will develop depth because it takes a long time to develop a maturity of competency and markets. With medication you can see things in terms of years and not months. 

                                      4.  RELATIONSHIPS: I believe I've finally figured this out and it's taken a long fucking time for me. If your in HS you should already be working and taking courses at a community college as we speak. Next, ADHD people tend to be anti-commitment with a spouse which is correct because you don't WANT to date just anyone especially with your ADHD, so you need to be even more particular within this respect.  You may disagree and I don't care but stop MB(Masterbating) and SX(Sexing) or chaser effect. Then you will be able to contorl your sexuality to where you can be intentional with what you do and where you do it. Remember sex is like a drug, you don't want sex. You want to make LOVE. These are two different things. Sex has no intrinsic purpose other than pleasure. As an ADHD person, you don't WANT PLEASURE, pleasure is your kryptonite. I can easily abuse anything, if I don't stop myelf and you must realize this. Thus, once you have mastered yourself sexually everything will naturally fall in place+medication you will become a monster. You first stop chasing sex and women and then you can dictate as you please. 

                                            4A. Find a Companion/Lover: It's nice to have a good companion that understands you, so find one of these "template" companions and NOT  a person for sex, people have been brainwashed into believing it's hype. You may go to 2- 5 companions or LTR(Long term Relationships) which is absolutely important for your EQ(Emotional Quotient) you need to able to handle powerstruggles and see externalized insights from other individuals. Make your develop NO dependency upon them at all, ADHD people who are unmedicated do this because their irresponsible. Ideally, find a girl or guy who is NOT ADHD and who has TOTALLY opposite personality. You don't want to date someone the same. I've already identified the perfect mate for an ADHD Person. You find a girl who has great PFC and motivational abilities and she will intrinsically motivate you and help further actualize your potential. Above all she must CHALLENGE you to GROW, or they are a waste of your TIME. 

                                           4B. Intentional Hangingout: This is different then relationships but it's about being able to identify people who are the fakes vs the reals. You must censor the fakes from the reals, so you can find one REALLY GOOD FRIEND, who will be their for your life who will tell you things like it is. I already have a friend like this and he will be my friend probably for life. This should be someone who will be with you through thick and thin who actually hangs out with you for YOU and not your charm. Ignore fake people and block them. SR has helped me understand this and I've outrighted ignored people and even blocked many of them because your time is valueable. 

                                           4C. Don't get married: You might not like this insight but my purpose is to give a total insight into ADHD, here. Being married with ADHD, doesn't really make much sense and isn't a good investment at all. Your essentially chaining yourself to one individual in exchange for a constant supply of sex until their mid 40s when she goes through menopause. This is under the assumption that you value instant-gratification. Which obviously, you and I both do. But we can dictate these terms because once you master your sex drive you won't give a fuck about it anymore. Don't marry, most ADHD people get divorced, infact ADHD people have a 2times higher likelyhood of divorce, so just avoid the pain. If you do get a PRENUP and don't give any assests. It's just stupid. I'm looking at you Jeff Bezo's. 

                                          4D. Don't choose for Beauty: Remember all relationships selected only on LOOKS will fail and looks fade. Choose a person not TO MAKE love BUT to help you GROW and to be your psuedo-medication or feedback loop I like to call it. Many ADHD men become very successful because they have a very good lifepartner who came from goodstock who are hyperorganized and very ambitious.Select them for their personality and you will find a relationship that outlasts love and beauty and even sex.  A life partner is a constant growth of challenge and contraction. Remember beauty is temporary and personality is forever. You will thank me later.   

                                5. It's important that once you get out of college, that you can executive coach for the rest of your life so that you have a constant feedback loop or externalization as barkely likes to call it to hold you accountable when you need to be held accountable.Ideally, she is your wife or best friend but this is also important if you want an unbiased perspective. ADHD-coaching is useful because they get where your coming from and can give you insights and even calm you down or give suggestions on improving your life course to being able to maximize your monetary success. This includes, therapy, be in therapy for the rest of your life and you will benefit from constant insights and new growth even if you feel it's pointless. I'll be frank therapy is USELESS but useful in being able to change my perspective. Ideally you should merge these two into one so, that you don't have so many appointments.

                             6.  I believe,that most ADHD individuals are best when they are left to being generalists and allowed to pursue their own plans and their own purpose rather than that of an employer. Your probably just going to get reprimanded or deal with interpersonal bullshit because of a team guy is hating you for something that is out of your control or drama happens for no reason. If you can handle these politics and dictate then my reccomendation is climbing the corporate ladder until you hit your peter principle or wall where you go into a position where your no longer good at.

                                           6A.  Financial freedom: ADHD people should focus towards financial freedom, so that your better off and don't have to constantly be subject to the whims and dependency of other people. By having your financial freedom you can do what you want and when you want without being constricted to any specified limits that you might dislike for one reason or other. Invest early into a savings account once you have a constant cash stream and cash flow

                                           6B. Be your own BOSS: Who's going to be more forgiving a boss who is AN NT or you? You will be able to make your own schedule and be able to generalize your business towards your own desires. Obviously, you will find that running a business is difficult but infact doable once you have a good quality medication and a few workers that aren't your friends who believe in your mission. Then you will have a real opportunity to finally use your generalist skills that no one seems to appreciate except you. 

                                           6c.BE IN THE HUB of everything: This is where your ADHD is your greatest strength WITH MEDICATION, is when you have everything around you. You need to be in a city where people are pushing the forefronts of STEM, technology and are revolutonizing and synthetizing new ideas. These people WILL VALUE you FOR YOU. This is why SJSU was so amazing even though I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have I was in the HUB of everything and at will I could call upon 12 different events of potential to leverage myself towards a form of financial success. This is where ADHD people thrive is being around the smartest most intelligent people possible and it's in the thick of stimulation and deep conversations with amazing friends and not sleeping until 4 in the morning because your working on your next amazing startup that could be the next microsoft is where you will shine.  This in layman terms means being in an area where activity is above +4 where lower than +4 is underarousal. Remember the boredom is like entropy so everything is around counteracting it. Notice, the constant externalizations that we are doing in addition to the medication. This is what will make you from average to amazing.

                                 7. GO OUT INTO THE WORLD: This one is the absolute hardest for me to do because I have a tendency of keeping to myself. Yet when I'm externalizing my ideas and all that horrid knowledge that's built up in myhead people have their jaws drop and will be like, "wow drew your so talented" or so this and that. What I'm saying is you need to FOCUS on DOING and MATERIALIZING your insanity so people CAN SEE IT. Once they see it, you will be treated way differently. That is why dancing is so amazing because I can prove my ability and it gives me confidence because it's a real social function that is actually valued by society even though it doesn't pay anything. Again the key word IS EXTERNALIZING. 

                                             7A. Charm people: Remember when your not a zombie, use that superficial charm to your advantage and capitvate them will all that you know and put the image of you being successful within their head. 

                                             7B. Take Advantage of people; Remember your a good parasite because non-medicated ADHD tend to be dependent and often have this happen unintentionally.I can easily get most things that i want with a bit of talk and charm. USE THIS intentionally OFF MEDS to further your goals and then EXECUTE on medication.  

                                             7C. Steal peoples ideas: Don't hesitate to steal peoples ideas or claim higher level of skill than you need to be infact, I encourage pathological lyng because people are pathaological liars by their nature. This is why psychopaths get what they want.

 

                                      8. You THINK FASTER, use this towards your advantage. Your ability to be able to outstrategize your enemy is your advantage over NT(Neurotypicals) you ability to be able to think of x, y, z in a heartbeat and connecting tangent information is useful because you have unique insights they can never replicate. This is how your brain works.

 

                                             8A. Anticipate Quickly and Destroy Cogently: Be aware that NT(neurotypicals) are selfish and anticipate them betraying you before they even do. This is what I do with SR. I know X girl wants my y energy so they can boost their ego, so I merely exploit them for information ans then outright ignore them. 

                                             8B. Be Amoral: Lose your morality and quit saying the truth and doing the right thing for the sake of it. This is different then having character and personal integrity. The world doesn't play fair and neither should you. Marry rich, steal and break the rules when it serves your purpose just don't get caught.  People break the rules all the time if not then their liars.                      8C. Recognize propaganda: Sr has taught me the deep propaganda we have in are world. As an ADHD person your already on the fringe thus your tangent insights will ALLOW you to be doing things other people think is crazy when in reality your just accumulating a greater and greater advantage over time.  For example: Porn is meant to lobotomize you and when you realize that as a man your kryptonite iS VISUAL STIMULATION you will actively avoid and anticipate it because you understand that dependence means to be controlled. 

 

                                       9. Identify your Mentor with ADHD: Who is your mentor with ADHD? Why are they successful and your not? What can you learn from them? What are they doing that you didn't forget? Remember their are people with ADHD who are losers and others who are filthy rich? What did they do that you didn't account for? Watch their videos peridoically and integrate their practices actively so that your constantly having your brain saturated in success and NOT failure. Example: John Sonomez, Elliot hulse and some other Self-improvement Guru's who have used their ADHD to their advantage. Although,their probably LYING to you so be prepared for when they don't meet your expectations.

 

                                            9A. They are Human: They are human just like you and me and somedays they are lazy motherfuckers and other days they lie, cheat and steal and do what they must to get ahead.  They have secrets they won't tell you and want to turn a profit. There's nothing wrong with this.

                                            9B.  Surpass them:  You will get to a point where you will need to surpass them in all that they mean and represent. The point of a student is to become better than his master and then you will teach the next student and the cycle will continue.

 

                                    10. FIND THE SWEET SPOT: This will determine if you become disgustingly successful or if you live in poverty. If you want to live in poverty and go unmedicated then by all means do so. For the smart people, you need to realize the perfect balance of medication that ALLOWS you to mimic NT(Neuortypicals). This is very similar to an OFF/ON  sequence where you selectively use your ADHD ideas and execute it with your medication which allows you to be consistent  and develop yourself. Pick your ON/OFF periods accordingly and recognize that everything isn't supposed to be fun. The goal of life is NOT to be happy.  The sweet spot is defined as the x variable of medication x mg dosage that provides with enough stimulus to give you focus without overwelming you into horrid side effects. Simply SP= X mg- minimal negative side effects= NG When you find this sweet spot don't fuck with it and keep your medication consistent.

                                          10A: Recognize your Doctor Fucking you Over: This is very nihilistic but you need to remember that the stigma for your medication is very high and you will find situations that don't make any sense. They might say that the prescription isn't available anymore or the pharmacys might say comeback in a week when last week they had the full stock and then they have only 30. Your doctor might titrate your medications or take you off it because he will think your cured. Remember most DRs, don't give  a shit about you and psychiatrists really have such limited understanding of medication and ADHD that it's almost laughable. So anticipate this, have many doctors and many pharmacy's by anticipating this you won't have to worry every again.

                                         10B. Order your prescription VIA delivery: This is what advanced techniques you can do to avoid the stupid pharmacist all together. You can sign up for a constant prescription and have it delivered to your door and you won't need to deal with the idiotic lady who has x,y,z excuse for what's wrong with the prescription written and the new regulations that came into existence out of nowhere apparently.

                                         10C.  Emergency Medication: Lie  to your doctor and you can get double the medication and then you simply don't use it and you can keep this in an extra-vial in case someone or something fucks you over and you probably missed an important variable.  This is crucial and don't go blabbering this to people. 

                                         10D. Keep Proper Documentation: I recommend a file cabinet or something, I'm still working on a perfect organizational system but it remains hit or miss.Point being keep your paperwork up to date and watch your medical files, these bastard DR's will get you for anything if they feel anything is off they WILL make you go back and fix it and you will be like me going through hours of nonsensical testing  and wasting hundreds of dollars.

 

                               11.  Miscellaneous: Your probably a crappy driver like me, so avoid driving at night cops will pick up on your driving patterns and ticket you alot.  PUT YOUR THINGS int THE SAME PLACE, I must emphasize this. This will prevent you from loosing things. Make sure to label your entire apartment and car so you have a defined externalized structure so that you know where everything goes. Remember that your stuff falls apart quickly so make sure you invest in durability and not luxury.  Call the NT's out on their privilege. I've had them APPOLIGIZE to me for their fucking bullshit and it feels pretty good. Tell people you have ADHD and that will simplify shit by alot. You ATTEND TO details in SHORT BURSTS. Don't sleep during the day, I'm still working on this, I know it's very tempting but you need to be able to handle this accordingly otherwise your productivity levels will drop off significantly. YOUR ADHD isn't your personality. I'm 99% certain I'm a type A individual without ADHD. Don't confuse your creativity with you. Your creativity and abilities are not you. Your  mistakes and details missing are not you. They are not your identity. It's apart of an aspect of your brain that's mostly out of your control. Watch FOR RSD CYCLES

 

                                               11A: RSD CYCLES: I never noticed how power these RSD cycles were until I went on my SR journey and boy are they very powerful. if you have an overly critical friend tell them nicely to fuck off because you will waste hours defusing these thoughts. There's not a good way to counteract RSD unfortunately and it simply comes with the territory that is ADHD. That is all I have for now. Hopefully this thread continues to have some useful qualities. 

                                      12.  //TLDR: NEW INSIGHTS INTON ADHD: Managing them accordingly, ANTICIPATE THEM, ADVANCED TECHNIQUES,  RSD CYCLES, MEDICATION,SWEET SPOT, TYPE A, SR(Sexual transmutation), College strategies to over-inflated gpa, Nootropic usage, Anticipating stigma,  details on the nuances of ADHD, Proper anticipations ect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by DrewMichael21, 19 January 2019 - 08:39 PM.

[MichaelFocus22]

    Quick Addition: Update 1-19-2019: 

                                              

                                      Misprioritization is another big issue of ADHD and one I have NOT SOLVED. You will feel that everything is important and you want to be involved in everything that you can possible do so that you can be successful. All I can say is to commit to 4 tasks for life and do not deviate from this. I find myself mispriorizing all the time so don't expect to get this correct but you need to get it under control. This is another debilitating issue that I WILL focus on now. Since, I've finally solved the sex problem. So be on the watch out for this.

[MichaelFocus22]

    2/2/2019

 

                                    1. For all those that are still even remotely, interested still in this thread. I'm still uncertain as to when I will stop updating it. Perhaps, I will never stop sense it gives me catharsis and seems to still be useful although it remains unclear to me as to the full capacity as to how it remains useful for you. I've finally finished the stupid testing for, it toke as long and was as disgustingly expensive as I anticipated it would be. Now, I'm merely waiting for the results, so I can get my medication. Interestingly enough, I would forget instructions in the middle of when the psychologist would tell me what to do. The idaho ADHD testing are very very rigorious so it will tell me what's wrong with me fairly easily. I'm not really concerned with the diagnosis because I demonstrated all the tendencies I had all my life. I even forgot my phone a few times at her place still. My recall with identifying patterns appears to be intact. I can manipulate number up to 7 which is pretty standard but I definietly made mistakes. I had issues with memory and instructions.   With the numerical portion I did pretty bad.  My performance seemed to fluctuate very highly. The psychologist was very greedy but I didn't really have any choice so.  I'm really hoping to get medicated again as soon as next week but she has to "charge me" grading fee's. These idaho people greedy is really disgusting especially not even offering a modest discount to a person that doesn't have consistent income to begin with. So, I apparently would forget "instructions" in the middle of the test and then "remember" it  again. Another thing she noticed, is she had to constantly repeat to me instructions because I was constantly zoning out during the testing. Essentially, the test was boring me so I would unintentionally think about something else and I wasn't aware of it.  I zone out alot more than I realize which explains why I always get fragmented information, Frankly the test was super super boring. Nothing new there either.  So, I'm glad it's over and it only cost me 450 dollars when I could get it at my university for 50... My impulsive spending is still pretty awful.

                                         2.  In relation to my finances, if my spending and bad decision making continues I anticipate I will be broke sooner rather than later.  Not out of choice either, I've literally done all that I can think of to stop this from happening. I' essentially going to be half way done with my degree at 61 units so I look forward to that as well. I suspect my spending habits aren't super bad, it's just that I almost never have ANY money coming in. I'm fairly confident that with 15$ an hour I could easily survive and thrive off that pretty easily. So I guess my impulsive spending isn't EXHOBORITANT, it's just I spend when I shouldn't be. So maybe, it's not super bad but it's still pretty awful. Moscow, is a very lonely place and the winter is finally coming to an end which I'm very very happy about. Trust me, you don't want to be in this type of winter. This was only the "mild type". Especially if your an introverted individual it will get to you because it's always dark all day and having no friends in -10 degree weather while being disciplined is fucking awful feeling. I had susicidal thoughts for only a couple days but I'm very resilient. I would not wish this winter on you especially if you come from california like me, it WILL take it's toll on you no matter how used to alone you are. I'm alone almost all day and this shit was awful.  So I'm having difficulties justifying another loan simply because a Political Science/Economic degree still seems useless to me. I should have done engineering but I'm too committed to restart again. 

 

                                       3. Career Trick: If you are sick of being chronically instable and having financial insecurity I reccomend you become your own boss. It will save you ALOT of hassle and alot of time. This is essentially going to be what I will do on the side to make a living until my career in politics gets  up off the ground. Who knows how successful I will be? Politics doesn't pay bills. Then again I don't want to be a slave paying bills for the rest of my life. So like I said in my first post 6 months ago, you need to be financially wealthy and you will be very happy this has not changed for myself.  Become your own boss and develop financial security, through passive income then you can pursue your own hobbies and passion in what you want.  An ADHD person stuck paying bills will hate his life and will not self-actualize, so don't even bother. Your not normal and you never will be just accept this right now. Hence, why I'm going to learn programming again like I was when I was 16 when I did some game design. Fortunately, I still remember a little programming and c# so this will allow me to get a decent gig in the BAY AREA, where I belong. Just trust me on this, you won't have to deal with bad RSD and you won't have to deal with being compared to a fucking privileged peasant who you are better than in everyway. At least, I am anyways..  So that's my plan, ====> learn programming====> get decent====> go to bay area====> build political career through minor elections====> see how high we can go.=====>???.  So make sure you have something that gives you really good autonomy, pays well and a skill you can fall back on WHILE you follow your passion. Your passion will take much longer to give you a ROI. Frankly, I'm not doing politics for money but for power and to make change in the world as I see fit. Similar to how I view myself as a god. Funny enough, I've failed to get a single leadership position because  they seem afraid of what I would do. Nonetheless that is my purpose and what I will do.

 

                                     4.  Be a generalist-specialist: Another reoccuring trend I've noticed with ADHD is we are economically worthless most of the time because obviously, most of us are just simply bad employees and those NT privileged monkey's are capable of specializing and getting that fat salary that you want.  So, just give up becoming a master. I gave up on that and settled to be an expert and not a master.  An expert or a highly skilled person is in the top 10% of skill. With medication you will be able to stabilize your interests and stick to it long term which is what will allow you to be generalist===> generalist-specialist. This is WHERE medication gives you an edge over those stupid monkeys. Pick 3 or 4 skills and COMMIT to them. I would normally say do 1 or 2 things but you will probably get bored eventually.  So 3 or 4 is a good number to get a good amount of expertise without sacrificing to much quality, I would really limit yourself to 3 really good things your good at and 1 periphery hobby. My current commitments are Politics, Finance, Working out, Dance. My interests have become de-stabilized the longer I went off medications, so you will need to take your medication  to get the higher levels of competence. However, this is where you WIN. I know biology, psychology, programming, dancing, chess, cooking, aquatics, botany, poetry, reading, running, mathematics, philosophy, science, astronomy, nootropics, 8 styles of cubana salsa , chess, some singing, acting, persuasion, charm, manipulation, organization, productivity skills, networking, political thought. Most of these are soft skills but with one HARD skill to ground yourself with money you have  a HUGE advantage because of the amount of breadth you have. No stupid monkey can match you here and you have insights that you can actualize on medication. With 3 strong expertise skills and days off without meds you can use your creativity and actualize it successfully as an entrepenuer.  We are BORN managers and BORN  CEO'S, these are generalists specialists positions. This is why we fail with work because they are rely on reptition and specialization which the ADHD brain doesn't work well with. Medication, allows some specialization but not totally. No one can match your creativity, your wit, your unique insights, your troubleshooting knowledge, your vast data accumulating power, your ability to cut through bullshit. Your INNOVATION   is the real MONEY maker. Not a single moneky can compete with me on an intellectual level nor argumentation level either, most of us can use that superficial charm to your ADVANTAGE. Use these ADD talents well. The future is generalist specialists not SPECIALIZATION. Cough" We are the best" at this. 

 

                                       5. To extend on point 5: With the role of automation specialization will be MADE redundant and generalists will be MORE VALUED. Most NT'S are shtty generalists that are incapable of replicating are thought process. They are stuck in linear thinking that limits them and that is your advantage.  The age of the 21st century is about ADAPTING and we are adapting monsters. We have to adapt with everything because are world is constantly in a chaos that we make sense off. The time for ADHD wealth is now, tap into this chaos and use it. 

                                       6.   Know the Way: You need to be aware that sometimes school is really just a means to end. It's not really a destination and it's fairly overrated. Yet, so is real life. Let's be real do, you really want to work all day everyday, doing something you hate for a piece of shit manager that doesn't like you anyways? Do you really want to have ton deal with RSD, thoughts when you could be inventing the next great multi-million dollar idea. ACCEPT the amazing ADHD live your meant to live. An ADHD person will die at these classical 9/5's. You will hate your soul and your passion will be sleep and then 2 months will pass and you have some money but your incapable of enjoying this freedom because your chronic exhaustion that  an NT(Neuortypical) doesnt experience. ADHD people LOVE being the mix of the action. We are the people that are at the pinnacle at the very forefront of thinking, technology, science, money, and adventure. Don't say in a stagnant location if it provides you nothing to make you happy. Remember this.

 

                                        7. Be in a the CENTER OF GREATNESS: This is simple but be in the center of everything this is when your ADHD, is the only time it will be a super power. It's when you can meet the latest and greatest people and who you might meet that one individual who will push you beyond the bounds. Be in the center of a CITY, that is growing with TONS of opperunities and possibility.You don't want to be stuck in a MOSCOW, iDAHO with a finite population the boredom will destroy your soul.  I mean this. When I was living on CAMPUS, although it wasn't always amazing and I was angry alot and the roomates were shit, I still did things I never thought possible.This is where ADHD makes you shine and this is where you SHOULD BE.  Be with people smarter than you and superior to you in everyway. This is where your ideas might be taken and actually VALUED and where you can be around real intelligence and not stupid NT monkeys aka the masses. Embrace your abnormal life, forcing yourself to live a normal life isn't FOR YOU. This is why we make great leaders and WHY your destined for an amazing life. The ABNORMAL is your normal  Medication is NOT to become neurotypical, that's just stupid. It's to allow you to control your strengths of creativity and  razor sharp thinking to extenuate your ABNORMALITY positively.

 

                                   Conclusion: I really must emphasize the part about being your own boss, when you do this and if you can be successful then you will not have to worry anymore about the problems of insecurity. The best boss is yourself.  Another thing, I've noticed is be aware of the superficiality that ADHD breeds in all aspects, when not medicated over the long haul it seems more difficult to make real connections with people than on medication interestingly enough.  So it seems medication also stabilizes your friendships as well. Normally I have plenty of friends but moscow, is just a blackhole. As for me, it's not totally clear what I will do from here. It's highly unlikely that I will take out another loan simply because it's fucking stupid and I don't think I could pay it back anyways. It's unclear if I will stay in moscow or transfer schools again. Simply because the market here is very small and these winters are atrocious.  Next, I'd like to get free courses from CA programming at a community college or pick up a trade. Frankly, I hate working with my hands and that's  slave jobs meant for peasants.  Finally, I sacrificed ROTC for medication so hopefully it turns out well. Objectively, ROTC is superior in everyway but I wasn't interested in being kicked out of rotc and being betrayed again. Lol. So I suspect, I will have a good decision sometime in mid february, before I go financially broke. Even at my worst I'm still superior to most NT'S ironically.   Another thing I've noticed, is academics, I really don't have that much of a problem with it. It seems that's a common complaint among ADHD people. I suspect their simply making excuses. School isn't hard but life is which is the opppsite of me. Finally, if you do a decision similar to what I choose then make sure you find that medication sweetspot and look into guanfacine which might be a potential solution to that crippling anxiety you feel.  Remember the sweetspot, is the lowest amount of medication possible for the highest benefits with least side effects, this is your goal. This is what I'm looking for and if you find it, it should be life changing. Also, I've been thinking of doing 3-4 3-4 3-4 which means 4 days off meds and 3 days on but never everyday. This should solve any tolerance issues. That is all I have for you.

[MichaelFocus22]

03-2-2019

 

                                              1.  It's about a month sense, I last updated this thread, so what has changed with what is relation to what's going on in my own life? Has their been anything significant? Well, for a short update I'm going to be finishing my time up at the University of Idaho and probably leaving I really, don't see anything else, that would keep me here. Simply because the job market here is to small for me, inability to hold down a job, word goes around this town pretty quickly, excess familiarity while not a bad thing doesn't really do much for me and the life that I want to achieve On the bright side, I got to experience another state and live in my own apartment, so that was pretty interesting and further demonstrates some of the difficulties of managing real life situations. Don't even get me started on washing clothes consistently, I'm awful at this. At the same time, I lost access to my car after getting it suspended, so I'll probably be getting rid of it sooner rather than later I suspect, I'll be getting another huge influx of money, so that will be basically it and then I'm all on my own at this point. It's confusing point in my life because I'm not really sure what to do anymore. Getting treatment here has been all but impossible simply because of all the barriers to entry. Moscow, ADHD testing is very very rigorious. She literally gave me a 9 hours worth of testing which was incredibly excessive but nonetheless I did it.  So, when I came here I was pretty well off, I ended up accuruing a significant amount of tickets, probably in the realm of 1500 between invalid parkings and 2 tickets from police for non-insurance. So I've lost alot of money by simply forgetting things, so obviously we already know all this.  This is what is known as the ADHD tax where your constantly loosing money for needless reasons.  During this time I somehow isolated myself from the university primarily by being a blabber mouth which didn't really help my situation very much. So then, I would get reprimanded for things that didn't and happen and to put it simply things just simply kept going wrong. Obviously, they were my fault but the point of my life example, is that I made a poor decision coming here based on the grounds of emotions that I had when the interm suspension happended. So, is non-medication viable? Frankly, it's very very viable and although I wasn't consistent with my habits anymore and what not, my habits began to fall apart the longer off medication I went although I ingrained these habits over about a year so they still persisted. I absolutely have become to immune to depression and any types of grief, It's been a LONG time sense I've been sad. So I can easily equate to my disturbed mental state towards an excessively high dose of meds and stress in SJSU I was suffering from. What else? Again, I'm not sure what else to add. Just be aware all your habits will fall apart over time and that you will likely underachieve in some capacity or not maximizing your potential. You will probably lose the ability to be consistent.

 

                                           2. I've found a happy medium for medication and I suspect you won't want to use it more than 2/3 days per week simply because you don't need that type of productivity and focus everyday. Next, the one thing I really noticed is that the longer you take it the worse your negative side effects increase which appear to eventually surpass the positive side effects. Just remember that the goal is to get to the sweet spot, which is the lowest dose of the highest possible benefits with the least side-effects. So be mindful of this. Remember you DON'T NEED meds, you merely USE them to maximize your own potential in all capacity and all forms. I can easily function without meds but my life quality simply wouldn't be anywhere near as good and sometimes I need to focus on details but NOT all the time. So don't confuse need with use. Use is intentional while need is dependent. All dependencies are evil and avoid them at all cost. Use your meds responsibly. It's similar to drinking, I rarely ever drink. In fact, I despise drinking but I drink if the social situation demands that I socially drink whether it's with a group. The goal is that you have the appearance of focus and being social. Perception is very important and you need to be able to constantly change in accordance to the situation. Unfortunately their are situations where your baseline self simply isn't enough  to accomplish what you want to accomplish. Realistically I would have gone broke much earlier without the impulsivity control I gain from medication which is whats allowed me to live independent at the ripe age of 22 for so long, which I cherish greatly.  Everything is a delicate balance so tread the path accordingly.  So, as long as you recognize this balance, then you should be sufficiently fine.  Anyways, I don't believe I have any new suggestions on how to manage ADHD but now I'm hopefully demonstrating some of the compare/contrastments between these two seperate dichotomies that you will experience and this careful management is important until we get a new medication that doesn't have horrendous side effects. 

 

                                              3.  So I'm currently searching around for new apartments right now as we speak and may pick up a new job somewhere I just haven't figured out how this situation is going down yet, simply because the next area I want to go is a place I'd like to stay for a much longer period of time and hopefully establish myself rather than simply jumping around place to place all day is an exhausting experience that I don't really look forward to.  So I'll be traveling up to boise for spring break and doing an internship for the city so that should be fairly interesting and I'll be doing somework with rural hospitals and the new medicaid bill which is also interesting as well. So, the next place I'm looking for is where i can DANCE all day and have MANY options if under the implicit assumption, something goes wrong then I can go ahead and account for that very easily by having many options. I'm having new ambitions of opening up my own gym and dance studio with potentially being a private contractor which in theory would give me the type of lifestyle  that I want to live while being paid to get shredded and dance all day seems very fun to me . In relation to my career and politics, I'll be honest it's been going pretty awfully as of late and I haven't really accomplished what I anticipated with leadership positions. I'm still interesting in serving the public at large I'm just not sure at what capacity as of right now. Anyways, it's mostly just a day by day process at this point, so that I can build that all important continuity and consistency to do what I like. My main focus is simply owning a house and building a consistent career for myself in either politics or something else, if it doesn't pan out, Perhaps, I'm giving up to easily but it's hard to ascertain as of yet. Boise seems like another interesting place but again I'm not really all that interested in constraining myself to such a limited area full of constant snow. 

 

                                       4. CONCLUSION: Keep grinding towards your goals and don't let ADHD get in the way of that anything is possible with proper medication and good management of your symptoms so much so that you should be able to live that ideal and wealthy life that you would like to live.  I have nothing more to really ADD, be in the center of greatness, don't be in a small town, manage yourself well, stay excited about life, recognize you DON'T NEED meds you USE it to maximize your medicore life you would otherwise live. Probably keep quiet about your disorder to other, people I've been thinking about it and I was open about my ADHD at the university and seems to have backfired to some extent simply because their perceptions have changed in ways that I didn't anticipate. I think it's more preferable to tell only a select few people that need to know and simply communicate quietly. Also, don't go around blabbering your opinions it's really stupid and another symptom of ADHD. I have a bad habit of this and you will not be liked very quickly because of this.  It's better to stay quiet and grind your skills towards your glory with a small group of friends and quietly amass your wealth. Don't draw attention to yourself. For jobs? Simply, don't work a job you will hate yourself. Be self-employed and own your own business and now you have permanent job security. Then you amass money and diversify your portfolio into some dividends and let that compound overtime. I have nothing really left to add for you. So I am looking forward to graduating and getting into a top ten university but my mind is still very scattered which is annoyance but oh well.

 

                   P.S if you have questions, Feel free to PM me or Leave a comment in the thread if you wish.

 

                                            TLDR/ Nothing new, manage yourself well, don't use meds everyday, use it every few days, find what works for you, develop your own job=permanent job security etc.

 

                                         

[MichaelFocus22]

03-20-2019

 

                                        1.   Greetings Longecity forum, it's been quite a while sense I've really posted anything in relation to the contents of ADHD,  so here I will illustrate a few of the things that I've done and what has and hasn't worked in  relation as of right now. So as of right now, I've all but mastered essentially everything that I can think of and it seems to me that things continue to degenerate despise my best efforts to get everything done appears to be a causal problem, that I've seen to missed seems to be a significant problem. So I ended up using a significant amount of time going through the diagnostic issues of ADHD and spending all my time and bs simply to get a rediagnosis and simply put I ended up getting burnout half way through the semester,  then ended up being able to get the diagnosis once again and again the issues arise that seemed to be non-causal within their nature. Within this irony, my roommate ends up being incapable of paying his bills because of his unsustainability of his own income. It's ironic really, now I have to burden these costs again for the month but the real issue is that this is STILL ironically my fault because I didn't make a good decision about picking a roomate. If I had more forsight and predictive outcomes, then I would have been better able to understand if they had the ability to be able to shove off the portion of the bills. Sometimes, I really don't get life anymore. It's the spur of the moment and the irony that I finally got medicated on the lowest dosage and then all of a sudden things go wrong inter-personally again which I'm not really surprised about really. It's the strange paradox I find myself in that I simply want a normal life but it simply refuses to work. Anyways, It was probably because in partially due to medication simply because I anger more easily and what not but nonetheless I was going to get rid of him anyways sense he was a loser. I'm still in awe at my inability to build any semblance of life to demonstrate to you as a "real success" or a definition of success. Perhaps, it's my unrealistic expectations but I've worked to hard to quit now and worked to religiously to give up simply because of a minor issue of medication. I'm not sure what to define within the respective outcome of managing medication but it's still better than going broke and making tons of mistakes every second of everyday.

 

                   2. To finish I finally did get the diagnosis and obviously it was ADHD as confirmed within the respects of the inattentive type as well. So, I'm not sure what to add at this point within the respects, of having to live a successful life all I know is, is that I refuse to give up simply because of some stupid inconvinence or another mistake of decision that I made. Don't give up on medication you simply need to find the right one and the right kind. One step in front of the other is the way. You CAN  be successful don't let people stifle you because of their negative critic. Within these, respects it's important to see that everything has it's own respective tradeoffs if you GIVE up pornography forever for example, then you must realize you will feel horrible in all respects to find the equillibrium balance that you will look for. In relation, to somehow balancing the interpersonal relations relative to being productive, it's hard for me to tell you what the answer is really. All we can do is wait for better treatment options to arise but you must still be responsible and do what you must to fulfill your own life. The reason why, everything fell apart was PRECISELY because I MADE a bad decision in picking a roomate. If I had MORE and better decision making then THIS would never would have happened. If I had not taken the JOB that set this whole thing the way it did none of this would have EVER happended. Take responsibility for yourself, blame no one but yourself for your own predicament.

 

                3. What you need to Avoid: You must realize that when you have ADD you will develop DEPENDENT relationships by which you would use such individuals for money because your having issues MAKING your OWN money, then their exists a preliminary problem. You never want to find yourself in a situation where your incapable of living your own LIFE, then you find that ISSUES will arise within these respective outcomes by which would disrupt your way of being.  You MUST NEVER  be dependent my roommate also had ADHD unfortunately and I saw the life he lived and it's a life you DON'T WANT to live, don't put yourself in the conditional outcome where your living off your girlfriend chronically medicating and being a thief simply because your incapable of paying your fucking bills on time. Do not give up on finding your own successful life. THERE IS MORE if you just continue to look. ADHD is a disease of performance and not one of reality. You must be capable of discerning where your going and why. Do not let ADD define you and make sure to get medicated but FIND the right type. If your having bad things happen it's simply not the right one. Keep looking.

[LazyDave]

I'm definitely beginning to wonder, if these folk have real ADHD, because if you have REAL ADHD-PI not HYPERACTIVE TYPE, You WILL relate to it. I've plenty of ADD friends and we all share the same insights and agree that these problems are real and debilitating.  Yes, it's absolutely insane and UNACCEPTABLE that you had no job just because something was out of your control and I believe it's fucking bullshit to be dismissed when I have a real disability. If I was normal, I would love it so much. Yet, I'm not and never will be so I accept it. Frankly, I would be fucking angry, because we LOSE YEARS OF LIVES having are brains HIJACCKED for stupid stimulus I don't care about really. So yes, I relate to your struggle, to feeling inadequate, to feeling like a failure with women, to feel like a social isolate, to being humiliated when I know for a fact, if i was Know I would be very very different. Psychotics are interesting drugs of ofcourse, so I haven't really experimented with them and I believe experimenting is a waste of time. The problem with some dumb psychiatrists, is they think they know what there talking about. They really don't.  One issue of ADHD-PI is that you can seem skizotypal or skizoprehnic or psychiotic but not really.  The chronic overthinking isn't the same as hearing voices. Talking to yourself isn't the same as interacting with an imaginary reality. You may be deemed psychiotic, because you don't socialize or your too blunt or you seem spacey.  Ultimately, most ADHD people do not HAVE skizophrenia but all people with SKIZOPHRENIA may have ADHD. Now what does that mean? That means if you have REAL ADHD, you won't get any type of psychosis because your so busy with yourself you never have time to interact with delusional thoughts. In fact, most people with ADHD are MORE AWARE of reality than NT(neurotypicals).

                                 Skizophrenics like my friend Benjamin, he started developing skizophrenia very early on this month which has devastated me because he gets me. He shows ADHD symptoms but they aren't real executive deficits they are imaginary ADHD, because skizophrenia fucks with your attention and makes you appear that you have ADHD, when in reality your so obsessed with these voices and chronic forms of paranoia that you ignore the external reality. Does that make sense? So you can have ADHD and SCHIZOPHRENIA, but you won't have real ADHD and skizophrenia. Now, these folk might disagree with me but I don't give a shit. I've studied this stuff for a very long. So obviously, should you take it? I would need to know more background into your issue and the type of ADHD you have. The types of ADHD and their medication treatments are VERY VERY IMPORTANT. If you get it wrong you could have suicidal thoughts and become  a horrid zombie. Is dexerdrine working for you? If so, what is your functioning capacity level relative to an NT(neurotypical). Is what you need to compare and do you have a reason to even be going on a psychotic. Abilify, is often reccomended by mis-diagnosis from my experience because they don't want you get stimulants is normally the typical privileged response I get from stimulated NT(Neurotypicals).  It is, possible to have a co-morbidity for bipolar disorder and ADHD, but the BIPOLAR is often the cause of the ADHD than the other away around from my observations. So again, I'd need more information. I was given an anti-psychiotic which was utterly ridiculous and did nothing except make me sleepy because the stupid nurse thinks she knows more when she is barely on DSM-4. That is all.

 

I have an ADHD-C diagnoses, but I still think it's only ADHD-PI. Also OCD and anxiety, but not official. Abilify, an anti-psychiotic was also making me tired. The psychiatrist deemed it useful for executive functioning because of its unique mechanism, a partial dopamine agonist. I have stopped taking it. Dexedrine is some of what of working for me, more then Ritalin that is. Why are you repulsed by amphetamines Drew? Im still not sure what to take at what dosage, we are still discovering the route for the right medication. Obviously my capacity level of functioning is worse then Neurotypicals. Giving you this reply after 3 months for example. Lol. Always wasting time. But how to compare? People don't even notice it.
 

Edited by LazyDave, 01 April 2019 - 12:53 PM.

[MichaelFocus22]

I have an ADHD-C diagnoses, but I still think it's only ADHD-PI. Also OCD and anxiety, but not official. Abilify, an anti-psychiotic was also making me tired. The psychiatrist deemed it useful for executive functioning because of its unique mechanism, a partial dopamine agonist. I have stopped taking it. Dexedrine is some of what of working for me, more then Ritalin that is. Why are you repulsed by amphetamines Drew? Im still not sure what to take at what dosage, we are still discovering the route for the right medication. Obviously my capacity level of functioning is worse then Neurotypicals. Giving you this reply after 3 months for example. Lol. Always wasting time. But how to compare? People don't even notice it.
 

 

    1. Hi Dave, well it's been awhile since, I made that post and I was a bit more angry sense, I was on 36 MG at the time of concerta, so let's keep that in account but nonetheless nothing has really changed about what I said.  Yes, abilify is probably a useless drug for you if you have the ADHD-C primarily because this psychiatrist may seeking to treat periphery conditions and not the core condition which is caused by the executive deficits. Well I'm repulsed by them because I had such an awful experience and when I went off it, I didn't feel the same for weeks on end. I would cough horribly and it gave me no ability to be able to focus and on top of that suppressed my apetitie and seemed to create weird distortions in my personality. I still have the dex's just in case but I'll probably throw it away or something. Well, I started them because I wanted to get a smoother level of functioning without having that horrible anxiety instead it caused me to go threw reverse puberty, horribly coughing, loss of my voice, personality distortions, significant increase in tolerance to my concerta that LASTED months and I never really got back to normal for almost 3 weeks. Reuptake inhibitors are probably much cleaner anyways, because I only get emotionally lobotomized with a limit of anxiety and then I'm right back to where I was with no crashes. So ritalin feels way cleaner and I don't feel like a "former shell" of who I was probably because ampehetamines are probably much more damaging to your d2 and d3 dopamine receptors along with the nucelus accubens which deals with mesolimibic system pathways or reward centers of the brain. 

 

2. So what your looking for is the sweet spot, which Dr. Barkley calls, the lowest possible dosage with the highest amount of benefits with the least number of side-effects. You should be keeping a medical journal of some type and keep tracking of how you feel throughout the week and then you send the report to the DR I'm still working on doing this, I just have to get into the habit of doing it.  So, then you can run counter-examples of difference dosages and then you can see what dose level is right for you. Then they might add another medication to counteract some of the side effects of the first medication. Next, you probably don't need to take your medication everyday, 3 days out of the week is probably sufficient. You don't want to normalize it with your body or your increasing prospentity of dosage will go up as well. Last december, I had mastered the dose and toke it at SJSU 5 days of the week with a 2 day break. Interestingly enough, it seems that my ability to take tests actually got worse on medication which is interesting.

3. How to compare? You compare by seeing what you can do now before what you could do before? Can you sustain your focus for MONTHS in a single hobby without getting bored? Are you more likely to take intiative in tasks that you wouldn't do before? Are you able to clean consistently? Are you still consistently inconsistent? When I'm on meds, my inconsistency GOES away and it's nowhere near as hard. Do you get chronically mental fatigue from focusing or sustaining your focus? If so, then it's not working. Medication should normalize, your interests so you don't have a million things you want to do. Then you should be able to focus on X task for SUSTAINED periods of time without getting tired. Neurotypicals do this very easy. Also, how much more things have you finished in comparison to before?  Also, integrate a planner and pomodoro timer and use it religiously, then give yourself a quota of productivity that you hit daily. This is just as good as medication if you stick with it. Finally, do you have THOUGHTS zooming in your head all day? If so, then it's not working. When I take my meds, my internal dialogue doesn't necessarily shut off but it quiets down almost to the point that it disturbs me.  This is because your thoughts are being filtered finally and theirs no more backround noise. 

4. Conclusions: I'm not sure what you mean by people noticing it or not noticing it. People definitely notice me on medication because they will say, "Your rude" or they will be more aggressive to me in general. I will definitely be less talkative and be more flat I suppose. This isn't always a bad thing, because I was a blabber mouth that would constantly challenge authority which I still do but in a more controlled manner. If you don't notice it, then it should be working but you need to see concrete improvements in your PERFORMANCE. Are you doing what you know? Remember, ADHD is not doing what you know & planning into the future. Best bet, keep testing doses and keep a medical log then give it to your doctor who should be a specialist with ADHD. You don't want some backwater psychiatrist with medicore DSM knowledge. DSM-5 is way out of date and doesn't cover any nuances of ADD.  Finally, just be patient, their are new medications on the horizon and will be superior to aderall and Ritalin but this is the best we have. All we can do is wait for medical science to catch up.       //TLDR MEDICAL LOG, ADHD-SPECIALIST, LOW DOSAGE, SWEET-SPOT, DOING WHAT YOU KNOW, CONSISTENTLY-INCONSISTENT ETC.

 

                            I wish you the best.

[MichaelFocus22]

   04-24-2019 

1. To whomever, still reads this thread I hope that this has been of some use to you in some capacity or some form. Ok, it's been quite a year and it's been a long time. Now, you got to see me ON meds OFF meds, when I was overreacting, underreacting, and all of thee above. This year, was one I didn't anticipate at all. When I first when to SJSU, I never anticipated in a  million years I'd be in IDAHO ever. Of all places, this was utterly and completely unexpected within that given context. 2 split IMPULSIVE decisions I made led to where I am at, when the job you see me talking about at the start of this thread was simply supposed to be a straight forward summer job and I ended up loosing everything and we all know the sob story. So in Idaho, I proceeded to get into LOTS of drama off meds, accumulated tons of debt, lost multiple jobs... lost my license, lost many relationships,  had to kick out a roomate who I never checked also had ADHD ironically enough. He had zero capacity to pay his bills because like me he was an inability to hold down a job, and I never even toke the chance to check his fucking job history like an idiot and that will lead to another progressive series of problems. Then I got to talk to the Dean of students and lots of other fun stuff. THen I almost got my car towed and then I started eating out everyday. So, I've definietly realized I need to work on learning to not SAY WHATS on my mind because that's why  I've had to deal with so much drama.  Another classic ADD symptom I reccomend yall work on. Refine your tact as much as possible and learn to be more nuanced with your speaking.  This will be my first part, I want yall to remember about ADD, your speaking lacks filtering, so you need to develop mechanisms that can at least MODERATELY censor the intensity of your words. So as this semester winds down, my new meds aren't really working and I don't have a good plan anymore. Hopefully I figure something out asap. Lots of spare time=Your Death if you have ADHD So, now we see that obviously ADD is not a gift, but now you have a good track record ancedote  of what happens when you go off medication. Anyways, now below I will explore some key insights from what I learned this year.

 

2. Work On speaking Skills: One thing I always, get told is that my language usage isn't the best or the neurotypicals often suppress there hurt feelings and you will get hated and resented for it. So basically, what happens is you might be blabbering something that is funny or silly but your not taking into account the feelings of the other person and they NEUROTYPICALS will not tell you what's wrong. They will not communicate your fuck up to you. This happened on at least 6 occasions where I was totally unaware of what I said or what happened but it caused me in loosing many privileges that were totally avoidable. The cost? People aren't going to want to help you, don't expect access to the same institutions anymore.  Expect to be reprimanded ALOT. This is probably a huge cause to ALOT of my employment issues along with performance deficits. So BE MINDFUL, of what your saying and taking some group therapy classes. I'll probably start taking some and work on my group dynamic skills. Again your, goal is to BETTER mimic being a neurotypical your goal is not to become one.It's impossible to do but we all know.  So, we want to better be able to understand what there thinking and how to better predict what they will do, so that you ARE in control. The whole issue, is neurotypicals have a huge advantage because they can INHIBIT information. Everyone knew what I did wrong except me. This means, that NT'S will let you do something wrong and you will be oblivious to your fuck ups. So first, off we need to be able to better read how these neurotypicals are hiding this info, and look for facial expressions and other indicators, so we can deduce the issue. Neurotypicals do not like straightforward conversations or they will feel threatened.   So, we want to mimic their communication styles better and mimic their assimilation process. Are goal, is to pass off as one of them.  Also in conversations, do not talk about random things, stick to their linear style thinking mode. You NEED to tailor yourself to THEM or they will get angry quickly. NT'S are also very good at hiding their resentment and anger. Learn to anticipate this. I've been caught off guard several times by this and I was unaware.

 

3. Don't Chase Money: This one might not so obvious for younger people but trust me on this, the more you chase money the more it will evade you no matter how much you need it. Don't get me wrong I love money and I still want to get very wealthy. However, the problem therein lies with the fact, that you will FOCUS and pick Jobs for money and not because you love what your doing. Don't do this to yourself. Especially with ADHD, it's not going to end well for you. Trust me, if you were neurotypical you could pull this off because your able to perform and execute past periods of boredom for a long term reward. However, for us it's POINTLESS, we NEED to be rewarded to gain any satisfaction and to get PROMOTED at a position. You will likely be very mediocre at your job and hate your life. ADD people thrive in CAREERS where they can dedicate their whole life and being to. DO This, instead and the money will come. The issue arises because their will come a point when your UNDERAROUSED and your brain won't prioritize the money or the GOAL anymore when your bored. It will prioritize STIMULATION, over the money. What is the result of this? You will rush through your work and make careless mistakes. You will hate your life and one day you will simply quit and jump to another entry and say you  had a good life.  One day you will be 35 having gone through 25 jobs and made a little chump change and  thats it's ok to be mediocre because we all go at are own pace. Don't be this person or your life will be a waste.  ADHD NEED to be in a vocation they LOVE or you can be self-employed. Those are the only 2 options. You don't get to do a job you dislike, you will never make a progression and your earning power will be fairly medicore because you have a disorder of DOING WHAT YOU KNOW. Your issue is your incapable of showing your boss what you can do.  Your issue is that your incapable of improving and Learning from past mistakes. You have an disorder of PERFORMING which means it's also an economic dsyfunction. Thus, if you are bored you will perform WORSE and your boss is paying YOU for what YOU DO and is looking for a GOOD RESULT. So, if you do what you hate you will perform less of what you less and eventually get fired regardless of what you do. I hope this makes sense. This is super duper important if you have ADHD-PI.

 

 

4. Your Incapable Of Sustaining Focus Towards the Future: I want to make this very clear, you are literally blind to the future. The future does not exist to you.You will NOT finish any task without sustained brutforce effort or medication because you will get diminishing returns on whatever you will do. So why does this matter? STOP picking paths that require sustained focus, you will SET YOURSELF up for failure. We work best in bursts  or sustained bursts. Anything that demands us  to FOCUS and SUSTAIN ourselves into the future for months to years will FAIL. This is coming from a very high functioning person. I am INCAPABLE of sustaining activities and hobbies because I have no internal stimulation motor going. You will not ever ever be able to sustain a task unless it's stimulating. Accept this right now. You will be dependent upon EXTERNALIZATON of events to inform you because your INCAPABLE of doing a task towards the future. No, ands, if's nor buts. To be frank I can see maybe 2 months in the future if I'm LUCKY. Neurotypicals can see  YEARS into the future and delay gratification for that goal. Let that sink in for a bit... Your best bet, is to run lots of marathons and find a CAREER that stimulates you to a certain threshold so you can do what you know. The nice, thing about this is your able to sustain yourself without medication. Finally, make sure to break apart tasks and use lots of timers. We NEED breaks. So don't feel guilty about it.

 

5. Mimic Neurotypical: This is a play from my psychopathic brethren. People with psychopathy have no emotion but their incredibly charming and they can get what they want. They are INCAPABLE of FEELING emotion, it's impossible for them to feel anything. Just like it's impossible for us to SUSTAIN an activity into the future, despite it being incredibly boring. Remember you have incapability or minimal ability to self-regulate. So, if we are not able to beat a neuortypical at performance, we can Mimic them to appear as if we are. Now, you might say this is manipulative and blablabla but you will do what you must to get what you want. Now, if you don't like this and want to achieve your goals then I'd just stop reading. For those, that actually want to get into TOP TIER grad schools, get HIGH paying careers, and NOT LET ADD limit, you. You MUST learn to do this. What psychopathy teaches us, is that we need to be anything that, the person wants us to be. Neurotypicals NEED similiarity and they NEED linear CONVERSATIONS. They NEED indirect talk. You have NO CHOICE, if you actually want to achieve some great things in life. Most psychopaths use this thing called a "mask", which is a form of emotional facial manipulations and the basically mimic all the responses of what that person WANTS in a human being. This means, when your in a group of NT'S don't standout, don't blabber, don't  say what your ambitions are, don't  talk outloud, don't do anything stupid. When your with a group of neurotypicals, find and imagine what they might want in a person and BECOME that character, even if so temporarily.  Watch their voice, tonality, pitch, body posture, and FOLLOW their INDIRECT LANGUAGE. This is a super big one. These are the more advanced social skills you and I must learn. In doing so, we want to create a Detatched character, that gives them what they need and you can remain unseen. Now, we probably won't be able to do it like a psychopath but we can learn some aspects. People with ADD, can be very charming. Use this towards, your advantage. Don't pride yourself on your abnormality. Adapt to THEIR needs like a psychopath and give them what they need.  Don't say this is how you are. You won't get very far..Trust me.

 

6. Get someone with GOOD executive Functions: This is a bit more advanced but have someone in the backround who can assist OCCASSIONALY with executive issues and can help with your fuckups. Their executive abillities will calm you down and guide you. Just make sure to not become dependent upon them. Your goal is to USE THEM, so that you can better organize your existence and to thrive in your life. I have a girl that assists me with issues occassionally and it's innumerably helpful in making my existence much more tolerable. Now, if your dating I recommend a TYPE-A, they are super fucking helpful with assisting with finances and affairs. This DOES not mean, that you don't do anything or you do something really retarded or become a leech. That is NOT your goal. Make sure to SAY thank you and to PAY them back EVERY TIME. Make this a habit. You should only get a good executive person to date, when your already growing and developing yourself. As I write, this I'm taking 20 units with a 3.5+ GPA , writing 2 policy papers with a regular routine, executive coach, therapist, and psychiatrist. I have a whole fucking army that assisting me to REACH my potential. You should be doing EVERYTHING possible to reach your potential. Only then, should you get  a high executive. When you do, it's  super magical.

7. QUIT with ALL ADDICTIONS: I mean just stop quit all of them, whether that's porn, gaming 20 hours a day, smoking tons of weed, snorting heroin, binging internet, instagram, youtube, snorting hotsauce. Just do this your will feel innumerably BETTER.

8, Diet, DIET, DIET: Eat good and eat a WHOLE organic diet. I know one thing, when I get a good deal of money I'm going to get a STRONG diet that is TAILORED to my ADHD. When I eat clean I focus like a king. When I don't you can kiss my day of productivity goodbye.

9. SLEEP ROUTINE: Get your sorry ass to bed on TIME. 10 PM is your bed time and thats the bed time. Make sure you rise SUPER EARLY. This is how you prevent the LAZY ADD in you from getting a hit on you. Sleep routine has never failed me. 

10. TAKE Your MEDS: Take YOUR damn meds, it doesn't matter if you don't like being a zombie, sometimes you gotta take em. If you could be without them, you would have graduated on time huh? You wouldn't be divorced if you didn't need them? You wouldn't have gone through 20 careers if you didn't need them? Don't pretend you don't need them. Wear your fucking glasses and USE them SPARINGLY.

11. AUTOMATE YOUR BILLS: AUTOMATION=NO PROBLEM

12.Your ADD isn't your PERSONALITY: Don't confuse the TWO. Imagine 2 of you, one with ADD and one WITHOUT. You have a CORE self and an ADD you. Your ADD Isn't YOU. Stop pretending it is. 

13.Do it when you DON'T FEEL LIKE IT: Just...fucking do it... All the things I accomplished was because I did it when I didn't FEEL LIKE. Just do it and don't think.

14. STICK WITH IT: This is sooo important with ADD, we have such a shitty habit of picking up new hobbies because we get impatient with what we have. STOP IT, STOP DOING IT. You don't need more. Less is MORE. Stick with it and beat patient. Sure it can be boring but that's what meds are for. That's how I got so ripped and buff. I STUCK WITH IT. All the amazing things in life is because you commit. 

15. Your Planner is your working memory: I use my planner like it's my bible. IF it's not on my planner it's not going to happen. I'm still guilty of not following through on what I'm saying but that's what should happen in theory. USE THE DAMN PLANNER. 

16. Calendars: CALENDAR, CALENDAR, CALENDAR. This will HELP YOU SEE into the future a LITTLE. USE it RELIGIOUSLY.

17. Pomodoro Timers. USE THEM, THEIR MAGIC BUTTONS WITH artificial consequences that give you EXTERNAL feedback to get a task done. 

18 Don't Limit yourself. I don't give a fuck, If I'm unrealistic or not. i genuinely believe I'm destined for glory. I believe, people will MAKE statues in my honor. I believe in my own HYPE. I believe I can do what I set my mind to. Don't let your ADD define you, or it will have won. If you believe you can do something then fucking do it.  If you fail then you will fail. FAIL amazingly and fail awesomely. It's better to FAIL and TO HAVE put your best effort then to be too scared to not having done anything at all. You are unique you have one life, Make the most of it. We are cursed but YOU as a person. You are a GIFT. Just believe in yourself even when no one else will.

19. STOP THE OVERTHINKING: STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF, I overthink like NO OTHER. All these problems you think EXIST, they don't exist. Here's my remedy, when you keep overthinking, then DO SOMETHING for every thought that you have  I find when I DO something however, minescule I feel ALOT better.

20. DO THE THERAPY. I don't give a fuck how pointless it is and it probably is pointless. Just do it and vent to  that dude. That dude keeps my mind sane and gives me his executive

functions on DEMAND, so I can USE it for my own goals? That sounds pretty awesome to me. Since, I don't really have one anyways.

21. Stop complaining, stop with the self-pity: I see this very commonly among the immature ADD kids, yall stop with your complaing. SUCK it the fuck up. Meds or No meds, I'm still accomplishing my goals one way or another.  Your ALIVE be grateful for it. That's it's own gift. Sure, we were given a fucked card but QUIT playing the victim card. Whereever you are, whether your 30 at your moms basement chronically playing video games and masterbating to hardcore porn or something else. Just remember, ADD people like to play THE VICTIM CARD. Don't let this BE YOU. You are the one in fucking control of your dog I call ADD, You tell it WHERE TO GO. Even if you can never get rid of it..Would be nice though.. If I could only shoot the dog...

22. TAKE RISKS: Be risky and be responsible, we thrive in RISK WE THRIVE WHEN WE ARE in chaos.

23. Be in the center of Action: You've seen me say this before, BUT be in the middle of the action BE WHERE it's happening, you will become so busy and inspired that you will accomplish more than you ever thought possible.

24. Surround yourself with Great People. One thing I learned from my poor decision of roomates, is that who you hang out with MATTERS. ADD people have a tendency to attract TOXIC People WHO will HOLD YOU down or reflect underachieving fucking looserness INTO YOU. Do not befriend these fucking losers. Toss them away like trash. FIND people who BUILD YOU UP. Find a GF that believes in YOU. A friend who says you can OVERCOME. Find people WILL SUPER good habits. EX. A girl I talk to tells me about god x y z, but inspires me to be positive and gives me GOOD HABITS that I need to integrate. You are the SUM of who you HANG OUT WITH.If you want greatness then BE AROUND IT.

25 ADHD IS NOT A GAME: This isn't some daisy rainbow disorder where you get to fuck around. This is a serious disorder, that causes issues with emotional regulation, impulsive spending, inability of sustaining into the FUTURE, poor attention to detail, inability to consistently censor words, poor driving dynamics, poor depth perception,  inability to execute what you do, inability to develop hierarchical patterns of higher achievement, consistently inconsistent, Economic performance dsyfunction. This is not a game. This disorder, if treated like a "GIFT" or left untreated could destroy your entire life. It will manifest into every aspect of your life, friendships, work ,hobbies,  driving record, money, economic earnings, ability for promotion.  You can literally waste Years of your life just "floating" through life and get treated by the time it's too late. You don't want to be 45 and just barely getting diagnosed. By this time, it's too late. Your life is over and your youth has been wasted. For all those who disagree, enjoy your "gift". Don't pretend an executive function is a myth. It's not and your just hurting yourself. If you are, then have fun.

 

 

                           Bonus:  This is my preference, but if this one bothers the living fuck out of me. I've been studying this disorder for years and I always see ADHD people getting attracted to one another and having kids. Now, you might disagree with me but I don't give a fuck. Please reproduce responsibly, don't go spreading your "gift" to your children. Your goal, should be to end the genetic defect with yourself. You don't need to be spreading this torture to a child with so much potential. Don't make them become outcasts who develop emotional problems, addiction dependency, exposure to hardcore pornographic materials, and other things. I just despise, people who reproduce like this knowingly. If you are going to, at LEAST, date a person who is neurotypical, so they have a chance to be born normal.  Your kid will THANK YOU  a thousand fold when they can actually INTEGRATE into their social clique and DO What they know.  As for me, I'm hoping when I have kids that I can burnout the genetic component hopefully.  I will be the FIRST & last of my ADD lineage. Period and IDGAF it's not a gift, never was never will be. All those poems I wrote when I was 15 were of despair and wanting to end my life multiple times. Is that really a gift?

  

                       Conclusion: If you've read, this far then congratulations because I successfully wasted 45 minutes instead of doing my assignment, but that's just an ADD thing. Remember, that your journey is to continue to push that ROCK up a hill  that sisphus will never get to the peak.  He was sent to the underworld by Zeus because of his arrrogance. How poetic isn't it? He will continue to push that rock up a hill but will never reach the top no matter what he does. This is your journey and these are the cards we were dealt. Accept it and get over it. Life isn't fair, that's how it works.  However, Take heart in your journey being alive and the challenge of ADD  that no one else gets to play. You and I get to play on HARD MODE or VERY hard mode on the GAME OF LIFE. If you succeed then your that much more of a winner. This is are challenge. This is are battle. Do not let ADD define you. You define yourself. You are the master of your own destiny. As for, we will see what path I will make for myself. The next few years will be interesting and risky to say the least... Fuck luck, Embrace the struggle and embrace pain. These are your teachers.

 

 

                       /TLDR SUPER LONG LIST OF ADD reccomendations RECAP from the YEAR, Things I learned, CHECK 1-25 index??? ADD, Needs management, high executive function etc.

 

Edited by DrewMichael21, 25 April 2019 - 05:07 AM.

[MichaelFocus22]

05-6-2019: 

 

             1. To whomever still reads this I have some more interesting and abeit concerning things to report. So you all know that I've been working as much as possible to make my life work but within those given respects it seems that medication hasn't been working or even worsening some of my writing skills which is fairly interesting. Anecdotally, most of my writing hasn't become any denser or more details which is typically what's supposed to happen in fact my writing has tons and tons of mistakes as if my mind isn't working anymore within those given respects.  To report to you I have 3 days left before my 2 exams and 2 essays that I'm in the process of finishing and comparatively my meds haven't done shit to improve any of my point of performance issues like they did weeks earlier. I have no idea how this happended and I've taken multiple rest days. It's not really an issue academically speaking but it's concerning for the long term success of my ambitions and myself and all that I hope to realize. Here is an example, I just spent 18 hours on a stupid fucking paper and it was WORSE than my rough draft in comparative politics which I wrote off medication. It's not even worse it's fucking awful. I have no answer to why this is happening. In fact, it's unheard of for this to be occurring I may take my days off medication and wait for the last bit of the semester to play out as I prepare for the next phase in my plan. Objectively speaking, I tore 4 of my shirts on accident, broke my bike, broke my water flosser and had to fixed 3 essays on meds that were plain dogshit no ands' if and nor buts. Then On saturday I literally sat on my phone for 10 Hours straight. Merely, affirming the addictive tendencies that will probably always be with me in those given respects. Be weary of the medication academically because this has NEVER happended to me before. Normally My writing becomes more detailed  and very dense. My verbose of eloquence in relation to my academic work is severely lacking it's almost laughable how bad the writing is.

 

                        2.    Be Aware Of breaking things: This is a little off point but be aware that as an ADD person your shit simply breaks quicker than other people. Like I swear to god, when I was off meds for 3 days, my zipper broke, my waterflosser I dropped, I snapped the top of my bike and then had to fix it, then my car battery died which I also have to fix. Then for no apparent reason my next 3 shirts ripped for no reason. Apparently I tore them but I was using only normal effort at best.  Buy durable items and own as little as possible or you will run yourself hundreds of dollars in expenses constantly have to fix things that you break. Most of my items don't even last more than a year which is of no surprise sense I have problems seeing into the future nothing new there.

 

                     3. Comparatively I would say that I'm exhausted the end of this semester has pushed me to a breaking point. My eyes are tired and my vision is foggy which also seems due to the medication. I really have no idea how to explain any of these occurrences. I'll probably being loosing my discount for my scholarship my gpa, will be around 3.54 and not 3.74555 as anticipated. Even that is 3.544 isn't guaranteed if I'm not on top of my game. Overall, I will lose my deposit for my apartment, my license is still suspended I have to take my roomate to court and then file for him to get a felony because I kept making tons and tons of stupid decisions. Overall, I feel I've still underachieved despite spending thousands of dollars and sleepless days along with routines, working out and everything.  Yet, I still don't feel like I'm really getting anywhere... It's the same feeling I've had my entire life. Whether it was chess,  working out, running, there was always a certain point to where I never got ANYWHERE. Despite putting my heart and soul into everything I just fell back into this pit. Like being a hamster in wheel is what I used to call it. The point is simple, your ADD will cause BAD shit to happen in the background and you will be unaware of it. I've been spending too much, buying too much, consistently inconsistent and so many other so-called super-power things. When I went to IDAHO, I came to gain money instead I only kept loosing more and more. I've been having chest pains lately and will be heading to a doctor pretty soon... Summer is here and what my sophmore year is coming to a close.  For those that still believe in their destiny. For those that still believe that you don't let your disorder define you. Do not give up.  Their is always a way even if we haven't found it yet. Ironically, my health is deteriorating despite doing all that I could to make things right. This is my story and this is the story of ADHD. This is what it means to have an EXECUTIVE  DEFICIT. This is what it means to be trapped and to only be potential despite putting out all that you could. Wasting 10 hour for no fucking reason just to do a simple task. ME, DREW A super high functioning ADD person can still fall for these traps. Then SO Can YOU. I literally worked my heart and soul into this year moving mountain and moon for everything to perpetually blow up in my face. Not because I wanted it to, it simply just did. DESPITE being proactive, going to therapy, getting medicated, working out and so much more. For those that read this rant, Find Solace and learn from me if possible. Learn that despite your BEST EFFORTS it simply won't be enough. This is the reality of ADD... What are the next steps? To choose to be lobotomized or to choose to be yourself and have your life fall apart? Most people don't even comprehend what thats like. Yet those that walk my neuropath, my neurotribe know the suffering I speak of. 

                              

                         4 . The Opportunities and the memories: I'll be frank the memories of all the lost opportunities and all that I should have been but did not become is something I never get over. I never get over  a 50,000 dollar mistake that I made. I've never gotten over all the people I let down. The shame you feel, when your simply not enough despite moving and doing all that you could do. TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT. To do justice for the weak. From all the humiliating experiences I've felt from rejections of girls, goals, jobs, and even the THINGS I did focus on. I would never be the best. Being bored despite wanting to DO what excited me. Oh yes, I understand the pain. When you are ADD you mourn your potential and you mourn what you should have become. Yet, deep within yourself you feel yourself trapped and you don't know why. You don't know if your lazy but you know your not.   Deep down, your working your best to change to be consistent but it wasn't enough.  So you go into your next addiction in hope of that one escape yet it's empty and hollow but yet you don't how to fix yourself...To feel immasculated and incapable of providing for your GF despite being incapable. Being weak when your fucking in agony and pain pounding word after word of an essay you spent 20 hours on only to read it and it's simply a piece of shit... Yes, this pain, the rejection, the failure, the isolation, this you never get over. Never, ever. I am incapable of forgetting and so are you. It's apart of you as it's apart of me. It will never go away. No therapy session can ever fix what your genetic devil sowed upon you. It's incapable of comprehending the pain I felt when I saw my professor cry when I was 14 when you said,  Drew " You can do so much more.". The shame you feel when you watched and you did your best but it simply couldn't meet what you sought. The pain I felt when avoiding her for 3 years and she would search for me and I would run like a pussy. To not have to face the shame was painful beyond reason. For simply being me? Oh yes, brothers I know your pain and I revel in it. To say you will do a task 2 years from now but you know you won't and you don't know why.  To have so many dreams and many will never be. 

 

                  5. Conclusion: If you made it through my long diatribe of catharsis then you have just gleamed a bit of the pain we ADD neurodivergent people carry with us perpetually. You've taken a glimpse of the pain when we take another position only to live under the fear of being betrayed or fired again. The pain and the rejection is as if ones soul is ripped into a million pieces and then sent into a fire. You've taken a glimpse into the humiliation that we experience when we feel incompetent when we do things but they don't fucking work and we don't know why. If I have x and want to accomplish y then I should be able to accomplish z. Yet no matter what somehow something fucking stupid goes wrong somewhere  and we are at a loss for words.  You've taken the greatest part of are curse and it's are INABILITY to IMPROVE because we do not execute what we know. This is devastating and I've only realized it today.  The greatest evil is being AWARE of WHATS WRONG but BEING UNABLE to FIX it and you HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT. This is the purest curse and torment of ADD. We get to push the rock up the hill over and over and we will never get up the hill. Never ever, even if you do you will find another hill and it torment you. So what was the point of this? Nothing really, just a diatribe to rest my mind. Now as the semester looms to an end. The next journey begins? What is that exactly? I've no idea and I hope you don't reach the point I've reached. Does this mean give up? Of-course not, it simply means that your ADD isn't going away anytime soon. We must take more responsibility and have more ambition. Are failures do not excuse us. There is no excuse for being a under performing loser with or without ADHD. I don't give a fuck I will not use it as an excuse. Nor should you, all we can do is wait and hope. Hope for something new. As for now I wish you all the best.

            

[MichaelFocus22]

05-14-2019

 

 

                               1. A minor update, I've been finding that my medication doesn't really seem to be working anymore or if it is it's hard to tell. I feel chronically tired most days and I've been getting lots of shortness of breath, so I may have to go to the doctors for this pretty soon. It feels like I'm falling apart and nothing seems to be stemming the tides of this at this point. Anyways, No point in  complaining here. Anyways FINAL STATS: 3.5445 SEMESTER 20 UNITS 1 CLUB 1 INTERNSHIP, didn't finished either, planner regularly, plus  calendar falling consistently inconsistent at this as well, NET LOSS of Money is running into the tens of thousands at this point, Push up average in morning is around 60 if I push it with an average 21 on pullup down from 30, Sit up average is barely 100 and I can barely make my body rise... SLEEP routine is 11 am waking up at 6:45 ish still underachieving there. Reading every other day and Go to church everyday along biking everywhere. Addictions stopped this year, Hardcore pornography,  videogame addiction again, YOUTUBE, reddit not yet, and quora not yet along with ASMR...Loss 1 job, quit the other 2 and would have been fired from those jobs. Longest DURATION FOR ANY POSITION is ONLY 2 MONTHS. Longest Hobby Maintained with concerta is salsa dancing and workingout moderately at 2 years.  So Ya, those are my stats and their pretty shit to be honest. I've had thoughts about susicide a few times.. Probably just the concerta again. So Have I accomplished anything? ABSOLUTELY NOT. It feels like I'm a hamster in a wheel doesn't matter how much energy I put out, I don't get anywhere. This is doesn't even account for the medication paradox EITHER.  OH and lets not forget my 20k in student loans also... Yup it's not looking good brothers and I've been having more and more shortness of breath lately...Nonetheless it doesn't fucking matter I will get as close as I can TO MY Goals of financial wealth and grad school even if it kills me... Abeit be warned for those that use the bruteforce method. It really doesn't work you will just get frustrated... If you HAVE REAL ADHD-PI you will NOT improve no matter what you DO after a certain level. Also be warned about the long term use of psycho-stimulants.. It is NOT the end all and BE ALL. I will continue report and fight until my body falls apart and you will know what happens. AGAIN, Compared to SJSU I was deadlifting 340, squatted 220, bench was 210, pullup+weighted belt was 45. No longer possible anymore it seems.  This is just a short rant before classes... No going to lie susicide seems like a viable option somedays.. It's as if the game is rigged aganist us. I look at the JOB market and I find nothing but positions that discriminate aganist my inability to DO these things. Above all, I want my ADD brothers to know if you HAVE REAL ADD, you ARE INCAPABLE of SUSTAINING activities and BEING CONSISTENT over long terms WITHOUT medication. I don't know how to describe it but It's like my brain just won't do it.. I've attempted it many of times. So BE AWARE OF THESE 2 THINGS, you will have to be conciously CONSISTENT TO attain consistency and you will be INCAPABLE of sustaining an activity because you have no intrinsic motor to propel you forward..Don't worry I won't end my life..I'll be fine but if you CHOOSE the bruteforce method, be careful or it could ruin your mental state.   As for my I'm too stubborn to quit now...There has to be a way somehow, some way. There is always hope. Just believe. Goodluck.

[MichaelFocus22]

  1. FINAL STATS UPDATED with a miscalculation and another FAILURE of mine: Weight 149.88, GPA Semester Wise 3.466667 my professor was a pussy and wouldn't round it up, he was probably holding a vendetta aganist me. Voluntarily speaking, my finances are in shambles and I'm currently going to be taking summer classes to make up the god awful gpa. It's not STANFORD worthy and I am not stanford worthy still... Further STATS, Bench tested is only 200 for  1 rep, Pull up range after 2+ years is 17-21 MAX, push ups have plateaued at 60 down from 100 a year ago, sit ups appear to still be 100, squat is awful so I won't list it.  I use a planner, pomodoro timer, therapist, psychiatrist, pseudo-executive coach, consistently inconsistently workout, wake up around 6:00 am-6:45 am. Overall, I'd say my stats are still dogshit and my loans are still holding me back. Girl-wise and social status wise my stats still suck balls as well. This is me a SUPER HIGH FUNCTIONING individual. I heavily heavily reccomend you have fucking delusionally high standards so you can MAXIMIZE your potential don't settle for pussy goals.   Also I reccomend you educate yourself about EVERY aspect of your ADD, it's MANDATORY. Overall, I'd say I'm a failure still and failed to line up an internship, maybe I'll go to china but it feels like a failure still. That's right if you want GLORY you need to be disgustingly harsh on yourself. If you want to GET WHAT YOU WANT? Do you WANT TO BE CHAD or Bobby?  Your choice? Goodluck.

[MichaelFocus22]

05/16/2019: 

                                    1. Normally, I wouldn't update this thread this much, however I've recently acquired intuiv XR and have been using it in conjunction with concerta and the results appear to be underwelming at best. It seems decent if you want to really slow down your body and mind.  Overall, It's hard to tell if it's really done anything other than make me very sleepy and from a executive perspective level, my processing speed which is disgustingly fast appears to have slowed down slightly. I've lined up plenty of job positions but these results for this medication are fairly undesirable and I'm not really enjoying the feeling very much. It's shocking that the FDA has even approved this for kids considering the fact that this heavily tampers with your blood-pressure and can make you potentially hypotensive, theoretically you could take alot more stimulant with less side-effects from it as a result. It may also counter-act the anxiety but most of the point of performances from executive functions do not appear to be showing themselves. Not sure, what to make of this anymore...Nonetheless do not play with this drug like, taking even 1 mg is fairly strong and will put you in a stupor very quickly, the medication from concerta did not have much meaningful effect again either. Only other solution is to simply increase the dose at the point of performance or take something like adderall which I really don't care for anymore. It's probably best taken at night sense this drug has a crazy half life of like 24 hours in your blood-stream which is much longer than I want in my body. I'm not really looking to be drugged all day if I don't need to be.   In conclusion, I'm not sure what else occurs if your ADHD is a non-responder. Either way, your going to be giving some-type of trade-off whether that's being able to socialize effectively to get what you want, you will lose this or if you go meds your life is likely to fall apart.  Meds have horrendous side effects as well.  That's a head-scratcher for sure and I have enough ancedotal evidence, that it seems my meds may have been worsening my academic ability when ON meds, which is not possible...So my gambit to take meds over army isn't looking very good. Then again, I probably wouldn't have lasted very long anyways.  Bottom-Line use Intuiv XR if you want to get rid of anxiety or slow your mind down. I don't know what to say else really. I don't care for it much but I will give it more time. 

[MichaelFocus22]

05-17-2019:

 

 

                  1. I'm going to continue to narrate this story of my life for future readers to watch if I become amazingly successful because this is literally what will determine if I fail or do not fail. I have more medication than I know what to do with and I'm struggling to reconcile this paradox of zombie effect. In one respect, I get waay more opportunities off meds but it's not sustainable and things invariably go wrong over time off medication than on medication. I have plenty of job interviews and the best way I've been able to remedy this paradox is going off it and then going on it perpetually speaking. I'm just paranoid that something is going wrong. It really doesn't feel like things are going accordingly. The social externality that you will face ON MEDICATION means that you will probably have less social offerings and you will have a delay of the response. I don't really know how to describe it but the low dose of meds doesn't seem to be working very well. I intend to take the highest dose of concerta possible and see if I can manage the impossible... I have to pay 2500$ in money due to my piece of shit roomate ironically also with ADD who couldn't pay his fucking bills on time. So, I will do my best to manage summer classes, work 40 hours and somehow study abroad all at once. I probably won't study abroad sense, I need to get my finances in order and I don't even know if this is POSSIBLE. This is my story to Become independent and my story to attain my freedom. This will be YOUR story too, if you LET IT BE your story. Accordingly to my computations, I will be broke in a little while longer.. I will be forced to take a sub-optimal position again as a dishwasher and I will simply pray at this point. Also it's interesting to NOTE, that according to my ancedotal evidence either concerta has been making my writing and academic performance worse or something else is happening... So concerta might not be right for me but the next script isn't for 20 more days and the only thing left is adderall XR or vyannese and I'm not really to excited about this either. It's insane how many tickets and unpaid fee's I've allowed to amass... Pray for me I AM fucking doing what you all NEED TO BE DOING.For all the naysayers go fuck yourselves. You will be in my exact situation one day and you will know... I will do my best.. The time-frame of May-July, will be a very crucial time indeed and will see if my effort is enough to overcome this...Wish me Luck..

[MichaelFocus22]

05-19-2019

                                                      MEDICATION PARADOX  

 

 

                      1.  Ok, I'm going to address the most problematic issue for individuals with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder-Primarily Inattentive: ADHD-PI and the problem of are non-respondence to low threshold for stimulant improvement at the point of performance by which should improve your competence by which should increase your productive capacity so that you can MAKE more money. Simply put, the medication paradox is where you take a medication stimulant like, ritalin, adderall and you become robotic in nature and all of your social interactions become both withdrawn and everyone will AVOID YOU and you will be incapable of getting the emotive functions of social functions that you used to be able to do so easily before. I go to church every sunday and there are 2 individuals who have professed their ADHD to me and they take their adderall religiously. These two people, seem to be very disconnected from reality and appear to be detatched. Often times, they are simply unlikeable and everyone seems to avoid them while he stares idle into space. They are SUPER obvious when you watch them from afar. It's as if everyone in the neurotypical audience KNOWS that their is something different about them and they know this on a subconcious level. Thus, he has been on adderall and admittedly he professes his life has improved but at a seemingly huge trade-off. Your exchanging your social abilities for  a short-term performance trade off. It is paradoxical because ALL of your RELATIONSHIPS become toxic, your co-workers begin to hate you, they don't talk to you, your incapable of laughing, they begin to mirror your mood. You have DELAYED responses from people until you are off medication. I have tested this at least 50-100 times and it NEVER fails me. My ability to dictate social situations IS SUPERIOR to that off being on medication by a mile. Thus, you must ask what is the paradox?

                    

                        2. SOCIAL EQUILLBRIUM =/ Short-term Metric Performance improvement: The problem is in a mathematical sense, you are TRADING OFF YOUR ABILITY to EMOTE to other people which they NEED to be able to communicate with YOU in any sense. Without this, ability your incapable of truly relating them and they will HATE you subconsciously and this will cause a LOSS in PROMOTIONS, invitations for social events, dating beautiful women and SO Many other events. They are AVOIDING you because your not giving them what they need which is EMOTIONS so they can reflect back TO YOU.  The medication renders you almost autistic in nature...From  an economic perspective your minor improvement with details or ability to IMPROVE at sustained auditory focusing and visual processing information which translates into more money is NEGATED because your social relationships SUFFER and are put on delay. Thus, you will make a NET ZERO gain ironically, enough because your preference for leadership positions will NOT happen because your incapable of SHOWING what you know and socializing at ONCE. You need to do both at once and adderall and concerta does NOT allow this to happen.  Thus, from an economic trade-off we need a SURPLUS of a given outcome to make  a metric progression. Thus, either way you are fucked. If your off medication your life will go to shit and you will waste years of your life as you become co-dependent on others for executive function and probably underachieve. If you heavily medicate you will be avoided and your ability to DICTATE significant mobilizing goals will be NEGATED because the masses will NOT follow you unless you can EMOTE what you KNOW. That's right, not only do you have to show them what you fucking know but these sheep need to FEEL know  what you know. If they don't feel it, your performance doesn't fucking matter. I've had this happen to me SO Many times, just today I had people begging for my attention and I didn't give a fuck and they came to me for opportunity and the day before everyone ignored me. Now, I genuinely don't give a fuck regardless about their responses. At the same time, you must be aware of this PARADOX, because the tradeoff is HUGE. You might miss your wife you could have dated, you will repel potential business partners, the sheep will not elect you to leadership positions and much more...

 

3. Thus, if this is a a paradox then  you and I will be perpetually stuck at a shitty short-term job with LOW-SOCIAL CLASS. You might say you don't give a fuck and I totally agree with you but social status matters ALOT. Without social status you will be incapable of climbing the latter of achievement and significance. This requires that you have amazing ability to dictate social situations at will while SHOWING what you know simultaneously. This is IMPOSSIBLE with are current stimulant medication unfortunately if and only if your a bad responder or a minimalistic responder at best. Thus,  you may find strange things happening like why people didn't interact with you, it's because they are AVOIDING YOU. It's really that simple.  This is why when your on meds, your days are so quiet because the social bubble is isolating you in a proverbial "jar" if you will  with no progression metric possible.  Thus, say goodbye to any business or club that you want to start. Say goodbye to dictating your wage or promotion. Say goodbye to that Hot girl Jessica.. She thinks your a freak and doesn't give a fuck.  Say goodbye to being the top dog because no one wants to a follow an antisocial loser. Now if, your like me and don't care, that's perfectly ok but as you get older this will matter more and more.  The objective is simple, we need to find a way to manipulate these stupid sheep and give them their emotions while being able to show what we know all at once.. Basically being neurotypical which is impossible ofcourse. The best method, I've found is constantly planning your medication days and going on and off perpetually speaking but this is only a half-measure at best...

 

4. EMPLOYMENT AND MEDICATION: I've had employers outright refuse to call me or even ignore my amazing resume simply because I was too "unnatural". I remember I toke my meds and riya told me I was "mean" or I'm a jerk. They said, I was in a bad mood and what not. The next day, I can get 15 job offers on the spot. This is precisely the problem. Their is NO consistency with being able to attain EMPLOYMENT and having the social proof to get what you want all at once...Thus, your ability to SHOW what you KNOW doesn't fucking matter because they will NOT give you the job because you don't blend in well or YOU will be given the robot tasks and be given minimal interaction with the public. Just 2 days ago at my dance I was on Intuiv and I had multiple women REFUSE to dance with me. I'm not even talking on a sexual level just a simple dance. I'm easily one of the best dancers in that room and that never happens. The reason is simple, they can detect your emotions and if it's NOT right they will reject accordingly. Those stupid neurotypical monkeys require a semblance of connection because they NEED it too function or they will avoid you. That's why psychopaths wear masks all day and why they can get what they want so easily...

 

5.  Conclusion: SO be weary of this paradox, there is NO ANSWER to it at ALL. I've thought of thousands of scenarios in which to solve this solution, it does not exist. You are fucked if you do and fucked if you don't. Now you should NOT GIVE  fuck about neurotypicals and stupid social laws.  What we do care about is getting what we want, it requires us to play by these rules or you will not get what you want. You want to fuck sarah? Not happening buddy if your an autistic zombie. You want that promotion? It was given to johnny JR who sucks at his job but is overall likeable.. They PRIORITIZE LIKEABILITY AFTER COMPETENCE. This is a huge fork into you living your optimal life...  Think about it, everyday you will have to pick over enjoying your day or being isolated and living a hollow existence for  minimal return on monetary gain with NO SOCIAL PROOF. This renders all PROGRESS MEANINGLESS.   It means, that you will NOT be able be able to show what you know and emote what you know. Like I said, I'm charismatic and likeable and then the next day I'm not myself. It's not consistent and you will not be able to BS neurotypicals.. It's not going to happen I've done this many many many times. It simply doesn't work. Thus, the only other thing that you can do, is AMASS as much resources as possible and free yourself from the social rules of neurotypicals then it will not matter at that point. Thus, you can theoretically pick up a business or become self-employed permanently develop enough money and AUTOMATE everything you suck at including executive tasks and take medication only when you need it and then you have multiple streams of income and then you can go unmedicated forever. This is the only solution, that will free you from this paradox. So, I've elaborated  to what you all see and NOTICE around you. Why are you treated differently? Why is everything so quiet? Why did they invite me to that party? Why are there responses over text message DELAYED until I went unmedicated? Remember, it's not CARING about what they think or seeking validation it's about getting what you want. In order, to do this you have no choice but to play THEIR game until you have enough resources to quit the stupid game permanently.  At the same, time you must be careful to NOT go off meds because you dislike this feeling.. I hate it as well but you can easily destroy your life UNINTENTIONALLY or even by accident and not even know it. You have to strike a balance between both sides until you can literally automate everything and REMOVE YOURSELF from the paradox and then you ARE FREE.  MEDS are simply a tool and NOT a means of permanent solution. We need better treatments but this is the best we have for now.   Above all, be careful with this knowledge because either way you take it, it could drive you insane... I've had days where I got sick of dealing with this problem.. Do your best not to think about it or you will go crazy. I know I have... Finally, if you have a spouse, GF or friend COMMUNICATE to them this is what HAPPENS and they will be more understanding. Goodluck.

 

 

                    /TLDR MEDICATION PARADOX, COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS, What is gained and what is lost?, Net-zero gain, point of performance /= social-proof of outcome etc.

Edited by DrewMichael21, 20 May 2019 - 04:32 AM.

[MichaelFocus22]

                                                                    ACADEMIC UNDERPERFORMANCE:

 

 1. I will be further testing this theory and reporting back to you with consecutive days off medication which I hate doing anyways. I'm going to be reporting on this so-called on the effects of INTUIV XR along with concerta 18 mg+27 mg concerta. Theoretically, if my baseline gpa academically is probably 3.4iish to 3.55ish raw score if I was perpetually unmedicated. I can easily pull this GPA granted SJSU had a harder grading system but at the same time the GPA average were underwelming considering the fact that my freshman classes were significantly easier than my sophmore classes. GPA Average at SJSU 3.334/ 3.1223 14/19 Units= Overall freshman year was basically a joke and I have many weird circumstances and situations despite having an overabundance of medication. During my 19 unit session, i was taking a fuck ton of stimulant probably like 72 mg of concerta along with  red bull at the time and I got my first 72% on a paper which is unheard off. On my baseline, I can write any paper and typically get a High B TO A LOW A depending upon the circumstance and situation.  This semester unmedicated 3.75/13 units: 20 units/3.477 with a 1 point differential miss and  this is the difference between stanford and no stanford grad school. Overall, I had a similar situation where I toke medication on consecutive days and it was as If my professors were grading my essays very very harshly. While off medication, I can easily get  strong scores in verbal linguistic writing.  For example, I had a historical analysis paper that I put roughly 20 hours in and after I revised it with another 10 hours of time investment with supposedly "improved executive functions" at the point of performance, according to russel barkley  then I should EASILY be able to pull a 4.0 every single semester without an issue. Instead I got a 2% increase from  a 71% to a 73%. I could easily get a significantly higher score off medication with less effort. Then my political behavior professor gave me a 68% and said it was FULL of mistakes despite the supposed improve executive functions...

2.   I went off medication again and proceeded to rewrite my essay and in only 4 hours a paper I put weeks on got almost 90% on the paper automatically. It's absolutely unheard of for me to get a low score writing paper due to my high visual-linguistic writing capacities. Again, this semester was NO good. I barely pulled a 90% in multiple classes DESPITE having more medication than I KNEW what to do with. My PODCAST which I did on ritalin was proceeded to be verbally raped by my philosophy professor as having many issues and LACKING detail. Which makes zero fucking sense, if it's actually doing what it's supposed to be DOING. My verbos sustain and density of writing ability also seems to have dissappeared. So, all this tells me is that CONCERTA or ADHD medication CAN LOWER your ACADEMIC grades if you are  A LOW RESPONDER, With ADHD-PI. I'm going to do one more test but I'm fairly certain it's ruining my academic performance DESPITE Having so-called improved executive functions. If their was a proportionality increase of executive functions and my baseline academic ability with copying mechanism is aroudn 3.4-3.55 then I should easily be able to get a 4.0 every single semester REGARDLESS of credit load.  Thus, I will on meds for 7 more days and see if it's fucks my grades and if it does then I will throw away my concerta sense it's basically useless to me if it's not improving my executive capacities. If you are still making mistakes on medication and your performance capacity IS LOWER THAN your baseline UNDERAROUSED self then something has gone terribly wrong. So be weary of this, if your hoping to get a disgustingly high gpa. Theoretically next semester, I will aim for a 4.0 and that should be easy if and only if the medication does what it's supposed to do. Finally, with summer classes I raise my average from 3.588---3.67776. Still fairly lackluster despite my high functioning capacity... I suspect my meds have cost me my 3.554. The probability of attaining an 81/100 by which I needed only 2 /5 point increases to have attained a 90% and he REFUSED to round the grade is VERY VERY low. I also have other anecdotal evidence of receiving a 71% on an essay from the EASIEST PROFESSOR in the class at SJSU. Another situation where I had a HUGE amount of medication....Medication is not the end all and be all. Above all do not take it if your getting NOTHING out of it. You expect to trade off X social skill for Y grade or Z money, if you do not get this trade-off then change meds or raise the dose. That is all.

 

 

 

                                       /TLDR BASELINE-SELF HIGHER ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE, SUSTAINING INTO THE FUTURE SEEMS THE SAME, low-grade-/high-grade, medication is Not everything.

[MichaelFocus22]

                                                              NEW JOB CLEANING ATTENDANT: DOES IT WORK???

 

 

 

1. I'm fairly confident now, that I can easily get another position but it seems like my baseline self I get a fuck ton more opportunities than the latter case. In accordance with my psychiatrist I'm going to make the max dose of ritalin sense 18 mg hasn't done shit other than simply worsen my existing focus and hasn't DONE SHIT at the point of performance which is very annoying to say  the least. So, I'll be cleaning rooms and I am INTENTIONALLY TESTING to see if my point of performance IMPROVES or does not. Frankly, I was avoiding this job but I literally have no choice...I owe 2500 dollars in rent because a stupid piece of shit executive functions and pickng a sub-par roomate. Theoretically, if I could hold this position for a long enough period of time their might be hope but I'm expecting to be fired again or I will quit. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury so I will suck it up and do what I have to do. Hopefully, I can get the independent life that I want but it's important to REMEMBER if you are ADHD-PI like me, then you must realize that CONCERTA or ritalin could WORSEN your executive  functions at the point of performance. Remember your becoming a ZOMBIE to become a productive monster. Then your social skills will probably outweigh the shit that goes wrong... at least theoretically speaking. From a practical perspective, I have at least 6 different essays I wrote on ritalin that got lower scores but it's still uncertain as of yet... I will test to see if ritalin improves or does not improve my scores and writing once I max my dose on the 31st. It's important to note, that CONCERTA is made for children, so you could be a high RESPONDER and need more than the recommended therapeutic dose. Is that clear? I've really no idea to be frank...So I will take this position primarily because I need money and I'll probably demand a high wage...lol... I thought about begging for my job cuz if this fails I'm fucked haha. Anyways, I will keep yall posted for whomever wishes to observe the destructive effects of ADHD-PI. Practically speaking, I owe around 4500 I need to payback so, If I fail to do this then things won't look very good for me. My final reccomendation, is that IR ritalin may be better because it releases the whole dose quicker if your a higher dose responder than in comparison to lower dose. 18 mg hasn't done anything for me anymore, despite taking constant respect breaks. Above all, I will be watching for this semester, because if I have the correct medication I should easily be able to get a 4.0 without an issue. That's another topic... Goal is very simple keep position for 60 DAYS. My record is 50 days which is so awful it's bordering on the line of disability. I've thought about collecting disability sense this shit is so annoying... If I'm successful I will be very very successful, If I'm not I'm doomed. That is all.

 

 

        /TLDR FLIGHT ATTENDANT??? CLEAN ROOMS? MANUAL LABOR? CONCERTA SEEMS TO WORSEN ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE???/ WHAT ELSE? 4.0 with improved executive functions at the point of performance.

[MichaelFocus22]

05/24/2019

 

                           1. This will be my last update for probably about a month as I continue to figure out this nonsensical paradox so that I can be INDEPENDENT which is what I'm figuring out for YOU ALL with ADHD. You know I've easily made the most comprehensive thread that exists on this subject. I've literally explained why every fucking behavior happens. Every last one of them has been explained to the DOT. Your welcome. I've spent another day ruminating in another epiphany as I continue to narrate my ENTIRE LIFE OUTLOUD because I'm not INHIBITING what I know. In case your not aware it is NOT normal to talk to yourself 24/7 but I do. I reflect back on loosing my first job to my SUMMER CA position which I quit and it was the same RESULT. They were asking me to MODULATE my OWN BEHAVIOR. This requires fucking executive functions and it explains why things went SOUTH fast... It explains why your addicted to PORNOGRAPHY, VIDEOGAMES, REDDIT, YOUTUBE, FACEBOOK doesn't matter what it is. Your SELF-MEDICATING for your own disorder. I remember when my little brother said he was fucking bored all damn day and he did'nt KNOW WHY. He could derive NO enjoyment from the world around him. His brain is fucking cheating him from the amazing experience of the real world... I told him I know his pain. I know what it's like to feel absolutely nothing. To make NO PROGRESS IN ANYTHING YOU DO. Not only have I come to this epiphany but the greatest one of all.

 

                      1A YOU WILL NEVER EVER IMPROVE BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT DO WHAT YOU KNOW: That's right kids your brain is a self-improving machine and your prefrontal cortex is what allows you to FIX mistakes... If it doesn't work then YOU WILL NOT LEARN from your fucking mistakes. I came to an interview 13 minutes late to pay a fucking bill I should have paid a MONTH ago and AUTOMATED the bill and then I bought FOOD impulsively because I was HUNGRY and I spent dollars on shipping. I wasted 14 dollars that I didn't need to spend on FIXING  a problem that could have been FIXED 2 YEARS AGO. Think about this for a moment...I almost lost my INSURANCE 4 FUCKING types and I could have stopped it but I didn't because I was UNAWARE of what was happening.. Someone as high FUNCTIONING as ME. You will NEVER EVER EVER improve once you become intermediate COMPETENCY...your BRAIN will NOT INTEGRATE WHAT YOU KNOW..  Improvement is NOT  a concious CONSTRUCT BUT AN Automatic construct which means free-will is an ILLUSION...

                      EXAMPLES 1: Today I toke a practice test over 3 days for trigonometry which I toke out a LOAN to pay FOR and NEED an A to raise my GPA otherwise the Return of investment IS NO GOOD. I toke that motherfucker 23 times. Each test is 20 questions LONG that's 460 questions that I can USE TO LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES. Realistically I failed and got a 79% on a laughably easy test.. The repetition it required to get to this point was absurd. It's evidence though that I'm NOT LEARNING from what I know as efficiently as a neurotypical is. This means you WILL NOT LEARN ON THE JOB from your MISTAKES and they WILL FIRE YOU. IT TAKES YOU LONGER TO IMPROVE AND INTEGRATE WHAT YOU KNOW. I implore you to understand the implication of this..Success is BASED ON COMPETENCE and your ability to attain competence IS FUCKED. That's why your self-esteem is so shit.

                     EXAMPLE 2; League of Legends: This little fucker robbed me of 2000 hours of my life..I achieved BRONZE 4 and NO Matter how many games I played I seemed INCAPABLE of IMPROVING.. I Had diamond TIER knowledge and COULD NOT IMPROVE and did not know why. This random dude who played Mid played only 25 games and was like "dude I'm already silver 3, how you still suck?" . He was NEUROTYPICAL and I WAS NOT.  He played for 50 hours and I did 2000 HOURS. Think about this.... A thing I LIKED TO DO I could NOT IMPROVE ON. Now vididiot games are a waste of time but this is PROFOUND if you extrapolate this to the greater game of LIFE. You are competing againist other humans with superior ability to IMPROVE. The game is life and you get only ONE CHANCE. 

 

                2. I will not rant much more but if you've followed me this far please take time to let this settle in because you will have to change your strategy to be successful at the game of life.  Your brain will NOT register the information you don't have control over this. Even when I wanted to improve I could only consciously integrate what I know... Not SUBCONSCIOUSLY. Which is an automatic executive function process...   Remember the process of self-improvement is a recursive feedback loop that consists of practice, review, repeat, and practice again. This ability is broken if you have TRUE ADHD. I have numerous more examples but it's amazing how many things have been because of the ADHD and How hard I've self-medicated.... Your ability to be successful should not be based on COMPETENCE or your going to fail. It's the truth and there is nothing you can do to fix it. Bruteforce isn't going to work. Trust me I've tried...Even my weightlifting is a joke...i'm not even strong I just look strong. This is what will put you in sully if you let it....  This is why you got fired because you couldn't STOP and MODULATE your INTERNAL PROCESS. This is why you couldn't shut your fucking mouth and THINK before you spoke. This is why you forgot about your goal because your PFC couldn't show what it knows. This is why your wife divorced you because your an impulsive annoying asshole who doesn't shut the fuck up. This is why no one wants to hang out with you because you dominate the topic OR CHANGE the subject. This is why your so emotionally intense because your not modulating your EMOTIONS. This is why you spend so much because your incapable of CHANGING YOUR INTERNAL self to the future event. This is why you smoke weed so you can get rid of those thoughts that DON'T SELF-modulate.. This is why you drink so much because it gets rid of the thoughts. This is why you FAILED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER and you knew WHY you FAILED but you DIDN'T SHOW WHAT YOU KNEW. IT WASN'T IN YOUR CONTROL. It WASN'T YOUR FAULT. I literally gave my ALL at my LIFE and I STILL FALL SHORT. This is why you FALL SHORT. This is why you have LOW -SELF ESTEEM. This is why you FAIL TO PAY BILLS. This is why YOU WASTED THOUSANDS OF HOURS on PORNOGRAPHY AND VIDEOGAMES, because you couldn't STOP and CHANGE YOUR STIMULUS FOR A SELF-INTERESTED GOAL. This is WHY YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO DELAY-GRATIFICATION, YOU BRAIN ISN'T acting ON ITSELF. This is why YOUR UNACHIEVING. This is why you will always BE POTENTIAL THIS IS WHY YOUR BLIND TO THE FUCKING FUTURE. This is why TRYING HARDER DOESN'T WORK. IT'S AN AUTOMATIC PROCESS. This is why TRYING HARD AND BRUTFORCING YOUR MIND LEADS YOU TO COLLAPSE INTO EXHAUSTION.  My friends, this is why you got ADHD Because your whole family smokes...Guess what? Moscow, IDAHO is FULL OF SMOKERS. So many people here have ADHD it's not even funny.. Their also shitty drivers. /END RANT

 

                 3. P.s If you read this far, my point is simply that executive functions is about MODIFYING AND taking actions on your internal PROCESSES, executive functions is more than simply planning and prioritizing it's about changing behavior and creating more effective feedbacks loops. This is  DISABILITY and the only time I say adhd is ever a disability. It means my friends, that neurotypicals have us BEAT by defintion on the ability to improve. There is absolutely nothing we can do to fix this. Nothing, nada, zip.  Oh and for all those young men out there you wanna know why Sarah doesn't want to DATE you? It's simple, she wants resources and you suck at amassing resources because your ability to show what you know is impaired and people PAY YOU TO SHOW WHAT YOU KNOW. Thus, no girlfriend for you .

 

    

                                                                 /TLDR RANT RANT/Show WHAT YOU KNOW/ Why ADHD Happens/REDUNDANCY?/Cap-Locks/ Examples/ Gaming/LIFE disability at recursive feedback Loop etc.

Edited by DrewMichael21, 25 May 2019 - 02:22 AM.

[MichaelFocus22]

06-12-2019: 

 

                                 1.  Another exhausting day attempting to find out the solution to ADD and I'm not getting anywhere.. I'm basically a hamster in a wheel at this point. You know what? I would really appreciate some fucking help with this. I'm literally bashing my head against the wall to help yall but it seems to be your content to being passive sheep.. Is this all you want of your life? Do you wish to simply to be a spectator? Do you want more from your life? Are you tired of constantly eating fucking shit? Well, then it's time yall start putting in some work into the research so that, we can collectively find the fucking answer.... Do you want your life to be a waste?   Honestly, it feels like I'm writing to idiots somedays... It's funny I'm getting hate when all I'm attempting to do is to give you fucking answers your life doesn't end up a waste like mine has become.. /END RANT

 

                               2. I'm going to give my honest opinion and that is that. The point is that all psychostimulants are NOT sustainable means of treating your ADHD primarily because of the side-effects and tradeoffs you are having to make. You all know this as well as I do. I've upped the dosage to 54 MG of concerta and the same stupid paradox continues. Along with it somehow affecting my academic abilities which is basically self-defeating sense the whole point was to get into stanford. It's as if the more I treat myself the more damage I seem to inflict.Yet by the same corrolary this is what has allowed me to come this far and to persist where I would have simply given up before.. So surely there is a justification? I've really no idea anymore and honestly don't give a fuck.. Your problem is my problem, as I posted in the fucking thread that addresses the problem which yall ignored. So if that's the case, then it seems to me that you are CONTENT with your shit existence. Thats ok  by me. Anyways, I did dish-washing the same thing happended basically. THE POINT OF PERFORMANCE was NOT improved this means that their is  GAP in the literature or Russel Barkley IS WRONG. There is no other explanation that I can think of to explain these occurrences of events. How is it possible that concerta can work so well for x group of individuals and actually WORSEN the next group of individuals... Their is some hole in ADHD that we do not understand that is NOT EXPLAINED by DOPAMINE-theory which more and more I am suspecting is WRONG.  Today I toke 54 and my sustain abilities were meager and I had the same perpetual thoughts of being FIRED even though I could NOT stop it from happening. This is evidence that I'm not able to REGULATE my internal state through executive functions. The point is simple, that either ADHD-PI is not an attention disorder but some OTHER DISORDER. If ADHD was simply an imbalance of dopamine in the prefrontal cortex then this would mean you should become normal for 10 hours not becoming an autistic monkey. Which is obviously NOT the case. So, I will look into bursting ritalin in short doses with the theory of being a higher responder but I'm fairly certain it will NOT work. If it doesn't then I'm not sure what happens anymore honestly.

 

                    3.    Fundamentally, even once you get diagnosed and get your medication it may work for a year or two but it will give you ever lower effects and all that you ever worked for will more than likely fall apart and you will be BACK at square one precisely because EXECUTIVE functions means being able to TAKE an ACTION to yourself. To take an action to yourself means that you CAN CHANGE yourself and if you can change yourself then you can change the world around you. This is why it's so hard for US to change because your executive functions are NOT working. The final point I will say, is that with ADHD-PI the reason why your going broke and the reason why stupid shit keeps happening is because your NOT present in your reality. I've figured out why I keep making mistakes, I keep INVOLUNTARILY zoning from the work because my head is too clouded with thoughts which explains alot.  Next, the reason why your so tired, is that  your have a NEGATIVE-ENERGY EXPENDITURE this is why your trying so fucking hard to stimulate yourself. You literally do not have enough energy to sustain activities by definition. This explains, why I'm always chronically exhausted, I assure you washing dishes is NOT hard it's only hard when you don't have enough energy and the medication was NOT doing that. That means the issue of executive functions is more fundamental than brain chemicals.  So get this through your SKULLS, You have NEGATIVE energy expenditure and this is why you will fail at whatever you do. This is why you won't sustain your interests because you don't have the energy to.  Above all, it's important to remember it's NOT YOUR FAULT and it's NOT IN YOUR CONTROL. Stop blaming yourself for shit that ISN'T IN YOUR CONTROL. YOU ARE NOT LAZY.   I put my blood sweat and tears and those dishes and it meant nothing...The girl neurotypical was not even fucking phased by that shift and it destroyed me mentally. 

 

     4. Conclusion: It's simple brute-force isn't going to work. It's just not...there is absolutely nothing you can do about this..Trust me I have attempted this hundreds of times it's NOT IN YOUR BRAIN. Even if you can brute-force you will RUN OUT OF ENERGY because YOUR ENERGY ISN'T SELF-SUSTAINING like a neurotypical. You will BURNOUT and FAIL.  Above all, if your unable to dictate social situations then everything your doing is meaningless. Every last bit of it.. Let that sink in. Now if your not a beta-male pussy then I want you to really understand the implications of that.  Above all, I think the ADHD has beaten me I honestly do not give a fuck to work hard for so little...To work for YALL and to be hated is bullshit honestly.  Despite the fact, that everything I said WAS TRUE. All that I've said here comes from blood, sweat, tears and agony this was a labor of love... As for myself? I may just quit school AND WORK and do something else... I don't know what that is... It's just incomprehensible that you can work this hard and receive so LITTLE. I still believe that their is a way to ADHD that will free us of this curse...I just haven't discovered it or MADE IT YET....The premise is that, to live any ideal reality we must find or MAKE the modality that is self-sustaining... This is what's stopping your from achieving progress in all that you are doing...I have nothing else to say except I'm seriously considering quitting this bullshit...That is all.

 

                               /TLDR READ THE THREAD/Fundamental deficits of ADHD/ Inability to sustain social situations

[ironfistx]

 

You might be right about the success or social dilemma. when I was young (probably your age or slightly older) I used to be very determined/single minded to succeed (I had 2 discrete time periods in life like that and that was related to educational opportunities) and there was no room or energy for any social life. I was basically an asshole and everyone hated me. Eventually i became burned out, entered depression, felt lonely and decided to seek change. That change did happen, but at the expense of motivation and drive. In my case I can't have both ways. Now, i'm fairly social and engaged into family/romantic life and enjoying it, but would like to function a bit better professionally, too. it's a never ending journey. I'm much more happy now though.

 

Sounds like me.

[MichaelFocus22]

Sounds like me.

 

 

 

1. Of-course I'm right, I've been fucking right... It's just the haters that don't like the truth...Jacks comment problem is that he confuses happiness for success. The goal of life is not to be happy. The goal of life is to overcome and dominate your ADHD and not be a victim. I could easily be happy, all I need is a shot of instant-gratification and dopamine or hardcore pornographic materials and be beta-male incel little bitch? Omg I'm so happy... No the point of life at least mine.. is to FIND  a solution TO ADHD which is why I made this thread but the naysayers are COMFORTABLE living like girls and accepting their sheep existence. That will not be my existence and I will not be a passive bitch...If you just accept it then your basically admitting defeat and quitting. That's what everyone does and that's why they don't accomplish anything...  Your right Iron, you will probably burn out? You know why? Because all activities done by a person with ADHD-PI are inherently unsustainable. Your not really burning out your brain just isn't giving you the dopamine to wither the pain and agony...The point is to tolerate the agony and pain until you get what you want then do what you like..Yes, I've burn-out multiple times already. That doesn't mean you stop you just have to keep going... 

[MichaelFocus22]

1. I will Make an Example of this as well, COST OF RITALIN right here.. I just lost a 16,000 follower content creator who I've been following for a year and half  primarily because she was feeding on the medication zombie effect of being an asshole. That connection was worth thousands of dollars..blocked for no reason at all. Be Very Aware of the  cost of Ritalin and learn to control what I call the "social externalities" Accordingly. That is all.

1. I will Make an Example of this as well, COST OF RITALIN right here.. I just lost a 16,000 follower content creator who I've been following for a year and half  primarily because she was feeding on the medication zombie effect of being an asshole. That connection was worth thousands of dollars..blocked for no reason at all. Be Very Aware of the  cost of Ritalin and learn to control what I call the "social externalities" Accordingly. That is all.

[MichaelFocus22]

06-29-2019:

             1. Officially quit my Dish-washing position voluntarily because it was simply taking too much energy.. A quick reminder that for every hater you have they will have achieved nothing with their pathetic little lives. You know how I know? I did the same example, I proceeded to waste 10 hours on purpose just to see if It felt any different and guess what? It felt the same hollow thing that it did before. It was as meaningless and as awful as before and I felt no different binging 10 hours of chess in hopes of stimulating myself away from my problems but it simply wasn't enough. This is what these types of people do and they like being this way because they enjoy being losers and they wish to bring other people down in their pathetic little lives. It amuses me that I've been the one attacked when at least I'm WORKING towards finding answers for all of you but it seems to me that isn't the case. For every haters there will be a stupid fucking naysayer that is content being  A LOSER. I just DID IT and I just binged away the ENTIRE day on PURPOSE to voluntarily show to you that it means NOTHING. I listened and worked on myself every motherfucking day and it didn't mean a damn thing  at ALL. It did not mean a single thing and that is the POINT  and why I quit dish-washing because I was working my ass into the floor with debt and wanted it to work but I kept taking an energy net loss every single week and would collapse in my bed exhausted WITH NOTHING AT ALL. Fundamentally, this has been a adventure that I did NOT anticipate taking nor did I comprehend the amount of depth or difficulty of the issue or the problem.  Now, I will collect my things and get ready to head out of idaho and move onto to the next adventure. 

 

              2. Is Binging the answer and going back to old addictions? Absolutely NOT, and I do not advise this one Bit. Your whole purpose is to find a utility and to be able to manage yourself accordingly.  Is the answer to brute-force life as the way in which I have been doing it for all of this time absolutely NOT. This will get you NOWHERE as you have seen in this thread I've achieved only modestly and it has NOT been enough to do what I needed to be done.  As for now, you have seen be ATTACKED constantly, it's BECAUSE i'M right AND I'm onto something. Something that is important and I believe their is ANOTHER WAY  a middle ground to where you can LIVE your potential AND GET ALL that you want without all this awful suffering WITH NO RETURN. I slipped at my work on dishes and ate shit again and my hands were fucking bleeding for days  and the hot water would get into the wounds and I felt the agony only for a pathetic 10 dollars an hour. Think about this for a moment? Why would you suffer so much for so little? Is the answer to be unmedicated? No, it's not either but it's about finding a good balance between growing and being able to manage yourself accordingly and effectively. All my old friends FORSAKED me because they did NOT Like what I became. Yet, they will NOT be there, when your in agony and your in suffering. To quit the things I've gone through have been excruciatingly painful and when they tell you shit, like you have an attitude ask, them if they can do what you can DO? If NOT, then they are useless critics with no substance behind their actions. I voluntary DID instant-gratification to PROVE  a point that pleasure is meaningless and I'd rather just go through the pain than the opposite case. 

               3.  At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if they don't like what you HAVE become, you are an ever evolving being and if they don't like tell them to suck it.  The point, of ADHD is that instant-gratification and binging into more addictions just to numb your problems IS NOT the answer. Anyone with ADHD-PI knows the cycle I'm talking and I mean REAL ADHD-PI the kind where you collapse in exhaustion despite wanting to be successful.   It's important to note that it seems people with ADHD-PI suffer at least 2X as much as a normal human being to attain the same result, which is important because your BUSTING YOUR ASS TO FIGHT YOUR ADDICTIVE TENDENCIES AND TO CHANGE Only to be CONDEMNED and being told your too slow. This is the pinnacle of neurotypical privilege.  So, for those young warriors who are in this phase of what I basically just did, understand you will probably not get very far but it's something that you must do for you and ignore all the stupid beta-male naysayers. Comfort is for the weak and the weak minded.  Only agony is what you will know and it's the only-thing that is worth living for until we have better treatment options. As for myself, I will reinvigorate myself into the topic of ADHD and committ myself to this demon like never before because I believe you can live the dream life without going to a dishwash job and overthinking everything and having constant thoughts running through your head while you trip on an oil slick and start gushing out blood from your hands and then you get to pick up the broken dishes while you smell like shit and your being told you have an attitude simply because you want to LIVE A GOOD LIFE.   Notice, how no one here mentions the suffering the agony you and I go THROUGH just to do what is so BASIC. Washing DISHES was harder WAY harder than writing a 20 PAGE ESSAY by FAR. I'd rather take the essay over the Dishes. Notice, how no critic ever tells you did a good FUCKING job. No one ever gives you any credit? No one cares how much you suffer but they will attack YOU while your down on the ground in pain and agony.  They Attack you when your bleeding and gushing blood from all sides without even a consideration for your EFFORT TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT. 

                     4. People DON'T LIKE it when you DO THE RIGHT THING. When you DO THE RESPONSIBLE THING and they ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK for the simple reason for what is NOT controllable.  Your ADHD is a  a symptom that MUST be treated and ANYTHING less is failure. There is NO accepting your loserness only for your finite life-time. There is non excuse for a 10 hour chess BINGE NOT ONE. I immediately promptfully defeated IT AGAIN.   People will COME AND TRIVIALIZE your ADHD and act as if it's something that can be simply overcome through SHEERWILL. They will NEVER EVER account for the amount of agony I was in washing those motherfucking dishes only to be doing told I was going too slow while my hangs were bleeding and my hands were RAW  going as fast as possible. A neurotypical will NEVER see your pain and all that you have worked towards. I know for a fact I'm onto something and that is why people read this because I am RIGHT. I have always been right because I actually care about doing the right THING. It's easy to be a fucking loser. It's easy  to quit and give up and it's easy to attack a person just like my linked-in follower. Yet, they WILL NOT KNOW your PAIN. You are in an EXCLUSIVE club of ADHD-PI people that DO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.  Stop working SO hard for SO little. This is the POINT I'm getting at. This is why you MUST FIND ANOTHER way, if you reach this point. Simply Bashing your head against the brick-wall makes you no smarter than a the same privileged  neurotypicals who do it on a regular basis.

                       5. Notice, the more I attempted to educate people the less it seemed to work, Notice the more you change the more you are attacked again and again because people  do NOT WANT winners. This is the real, truth of the matter and they resent your SUCCESS.  Don't be ME and work so hard for such little chump change. I had a conversation with my father and he told me "I was a confused little kid who didn't know any better", I basically told him to fuck off already, He said don't comeback. I don't NEED him and you only need yourself. People do not like change because they have to ADAPT.  People will attempt to belittle you and attack you because you have actually PUT fucking real effort into considerable change and they don't like that shit.  He has no idea the agony I've been through and neither will your family or friends. If they are agents AGAINST TREATING YOUR ADHD then they are your enemies. Even your family.. It makes absolutely no difference because they ARE NOT the ones to CLEAN up the mess, YOU have to clean UP YOUR FUCK ups when your ADHD hits the fan. I had TO FIX my fucking car and that cost me thousands of dollars. No one will give a too fuck if your in poverty or broke.  Everyone who HAS real ADHD and I mean the REAL kind, who read my illiterate rants KNOWS this story because we all SHARE THE SAME STORY. We all share the story, of addictions, of wasted potential, of failing constantly, disappointing people, of committing suicide,  of fighting yourself regularly, being told your NOT ENOUGH, being attacked or BELITTLED while those stupid fucking neurotypicals do effortlessly what we struggled are entire lives to achieve. The dirty secret of life-s the more successful and HARD YOU WORK to change the more you will be attacked again and again.  When your gushing blood and your fighting your ADD to do what is right you will be kicked in the head, a creditor will come for you because you made another mistake and they attempt to fuck your credit, while another idiot says to just BE YOURSELF. YOU HAVE BEEN YOURSELF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, WHERE DID IT GET YOU? You know where it got me? It got me over 100k in money, that's 6 figures. How many of you have lost 6 figures of money?  Tha'ts what I fucking thought because you haven't lost it. No one will be there when YOUR FRIEND BETRAYS YOU WHEN YOUR ON MEDICATION. I remember when a girl said, " I wasn't the same and I was mean?", you know what that does to your PSYCHE? When all You want to do IS LIVE A NORMAL LIFE? All of a sudden they don't talk to you anymore and your  the ONE THAT DEALS WITH THE EMOTIONAL PAIN. They don't feel the betrayal you DO because all you WANT TO DO IS FUNCTION. What crime did you COMMIT? You have committed NO CRIMES  and if your family refuses to accept your change then they can go suck it as well. 

                          

 

          6. If you managed to get through that rant then the point is simple, you HAVE to GO THROUGH THIS ABSURD complexity that no stupid neuromonkey will ever understand.  You get no credit but you GET TWICE the pain and agony while Joe F gets it all like cheese. Think about how absurd it is, when I worked dishwashing and a girl who smokes could OUTWORK ME even though I'm the highest functioning I had ever been? Think about all the humiliation you have to go through when you have all these amazing ideas but a stupid fucking idiot can implement the idea, you've been working years to build but fail while he does IT WITH EASE.  All my readers know about are Lovely information addiction, about all the what-if's that NEVER will HAPPEN this is why  you must work SMARTER NOT HARDER. No more brute-forcing life while a girl OUTWORKS you  and DOES THE JOB FASTER Than you while your working so hard that you collapse in exhaustion taking TWO DAYS TO RECOVER WHILE she goes home to watch a TV SHOW.  Then you have to ask your manager for another extension date that you know you won't finish... So, we must find another way... A way that doesn't involve all of the bull I've listed above. Where you don't have friends BETRAYING you or stop talking to you simply because you CHOOSE TO TAKE MEDS. A way in which you don't FRY YOUR brain while a stupid monkey asks you "whats wrong?" That is the way I will be figuring out and I will not be smelling like death anymore or barely being successful.  That is the journey I shall proceed on when I'm off from Idaho.  

 

                If you are in the process of changing or reaching your BREAKTHROUGH, REMEMBER THEY WILL IGNORE YOU, THEN THEY WILL ATTACK YOU, AND THEN YOU WILL WIN. I believe their is a way beyond the ADHD-PI and I will find that way or MAKE IT if necessary.. 

 

                                      /TLDR Leaving IDAHO onto next aspect of life, Work smarter not harder/ Ignore the haters etc.

[MichaelFocus22]

  Here is an important anecdotal response from a very high functioning ADHD-PI individual, Showing the limits of noorotropic interventions, Read as follows:

  

            "SRI,

Props to you for taking ownership of your situation and for taking an active interest in bringing yourself closer to a solution. I certainly empathize with your decision to take more control over your chemistry - your ordeal reminds me a bit of my own, which to this day continues, and which started mid 2008 when I arrived at the determination that success in conquering I-ADD is as likely to reside in personal knowledge and understanding as it is in the hands of a certified practitioner.

As you are doing now, I've tried Piracetam, and choline. I've also been afforded the opportunity to try Galantamine, Hyperzine-A, Alpha GPC, Citicoline, Vinpocetine, ALCAR, R-Lipoic Acid, Centrophenoxine, L-Pyroglutamic Acid, Oxiracetam, Aniracetam, Idebenone, Rhodiola, Ginseng, GABA, Theanine, Pycogenol, Ginkgo-Biloba, Lion's Mane, EPA, DHA, Sam-e, NADH, St. John's Wort, Pyritinol, Lithium Orotate, Modafinil, Ashwaghanda, supercritical extracts of various herbal extracts, Vaxa Attend, and supra-therapeutic doses of various amino acids and all of the most bio-available vitamins and minerals, to name a few. I've also tried the more traditional approaches consisting of Adderall and Dexedrine Spansules, and some of the less conventional approaches such as homeopathy, chiropracty, and heavy metals chelation using the cutler protocol.

In sharing this with you, it is my hope that I may be able to save you some of the time and expense I personally incurred in attempting to resolve my own issues. I very much doubt that our two chemistries are the same, but as I have been formally diagnosed with I-ADD and am quite familiar with the symptoms you describe, I feel as though there are commonalities which are at least apparent.

Of all the supplements I have tried to date, none of these in and of themselves have provided me with the feeling of transparency one would expect to be apparent within a 'normal' human facility for cognitive function. Granted, I do credit the various supplements above for enabling me to successfully work toward and finish my post-secondary education, and to make me feel 'somewhat normal' from time to time - however, in stating this it also needs to be said, that there was not a single combination of these supplements which sufficiently improved my capacity for executive function, decision making, or working memory such that I ever for an entire day felt as though I could function normally. 

The 'closest' I was able to come to feeling normal has been with various combinations of the following (not taken at the same time of course); Dexedrine which I haven't taken for two years now (I had a similar enlightening experience just as you had with Vyvanse), Pyritinol (duration limited to hours at a time, and non-transparent effects), St. John's Wort (suspect due to catecholamine influence but was not without side effects), Idebenone (limited efficiecy), Rhodiola and Pycogenol (inconsistant and positive effects ameleriorated after several days of usage), and SAM-e and NADH. Unfortunately, none of these seemed to 'fully' address the fundemental mechanism(s) underlying my I-ADD and none provided any form of consistency with respect to a sustainable beneficial outcome, without side effects. The trait all of these have in common however, is that they act on Catecholamine levels (Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Epinephrine) - which stands to reason given that I-ADD is a very specific disorder believed to be primaily pertaining to Catecholamine activity. It can be no wonder then, that while there are merits to many of the other supplements and drugs I've tried, that these were of little to no 'practical' benefit to me in correcting a disorder related to catecholamines. Modafinil, Racetams, Cholinergics, Gabanergics etc etc.. may be nootropic in nature, however in my experience their efficacy has been of little therapeutic value for I-ADD related executive dysfunction.

I-ADD is a different animal than ADHD, and many researchers now readily acknowledge that it also affects different parts of the brain than ADHD: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1474811/?tool=pubmed.
Drugs such as Adderall and Dexedrine, which exert influence over the striatum amongst other areas, are IMO not specific and limited enough in their actions to provide a long term and enduring, natural relief for I-ADD without peripheral and other side effects. That said however, their MOA may be perfectly fine for individuals with combined or primarily ADHD, of which many respond well.

So in saying this, the scenario is not all doom and gloom and nor do I imply it to be. I'm quite optimistic about alternatives that are and will be coming available in the hopefully not too distant future. I personally believe that individuals with primarily inattentive ADD will likely respond reasonably well to Alpha 2A agonists such as Tenex & Intuniv (Guanfacine) and Straterra (Atomoxetine). Additionally, "very-low-dose Ritalin (Methylphenidate)" may also be a viable alternative as very-low-dose Ritalin has been shown to exert influence over Alpha 2 receptors in the prefrontal cortex with little influence over dopamine in this and other locations. Dopamine Receptor 4 Agonists are also expected to be of clinical value, however I am not aware of any that are presently avaiable with proven clinical efficacy in treating ADHD. Even so, current literature has led me to suspect that there may be various ways of influencing the upregulation of D4 activity through modulation of NMDA activity and also cAMP, and I believe there may be a number of treatment alternatives available via these routes for those open to a bit of experimentation. I have also started to compile and document the genetic sequences which I suspect could potentially underlie I-ADD, and plan to have my genes profiled as soon as this is completed and I am able to locate a reputable and comprehensive enough vender. I believe Gene profiling may open doors which will enable for more precise measures to be employed as clinical research continues to accumulate, and as newer alternatives become available.

In writing this, I am hoping to encourage you not to be discouraged if Piracetam (and other supplements) do not initially work for you as desired. Unfortunately, research and experience imply to me that its MOA does not directly address the fundamental mechanism(s) underlying I-ADD and that as such it is not an organic solution addressing what you seek. If you would be open to other alternatives, you may however find Guanfacine, or Atomoxetine to be products available now that are worthy of additional consideration. 

Kind regards,

D"

 

        Here is the source thread of their conclusions and they arrived to the same conclusions as I have:  https://www.longecit...d-pi-treatment/    This is from 2010 and these are all very intelligent high functioning individuals:   Read these responses with caution  to your own treatment:  The problem will all ADD-PI treatments is unsustainability and lack of emotional dictation:

 

              Notice he mentions testing every noorotropic and nothing was of sustainable value and without sustainability you won't be able to persist towards your goals. As we speak, I've tested guanfacine and did nothing for me other than making me feel awful. In this thread, it's important to note, that we have individuals with ADHD-PI who are responders on concerta and those who are NOT responders.

Edited by DrewMichael21, 30 June 2019 - 02:12 AM.

[MichaelFocus22]

  07-8-2019:

 

                        1. The Updating of this thread is getting redundant but this will be my last reply for a month, We will be going over COMMITMENT MODALITIES, this is basically the closest that I can get to any form of mastery. So the problem is very simple, is that we keep having new ideas and we keep wanting to  ADD more and more things onto are already existing structures. This is doomed to fail because their is only  so much you can ADD on and the more you ADD onto your existing routine or interests the more fractionalized you become and the less capacity that you have to STICK TO SOMETHING. Once you stick with it you have to NOT stop doing and you need to keep practicing over and over and over even when you get bored. This is ONLY possible with medication I have found no other way to sustain these modalities. 

 

                       1A. What is an Unsustaining of a Modality? It simply means, you will find yourself eventually being consistent and you will forget what you are doing because your working memory is NOT keeping the goal in mind. Many unmedicated ADHD people simply cycle through hobbies but your basically wasting your time because you will be perpetually in the entry phase of ANYTHING that you do.  This is problematic because your only letting your ADHD win and further generalizing your ability. There is nothing unique to generalizing your focus because any neurotypical can do this better than you. We are not looking for neurotypical mastery but rather ADHD-MASTERY. So the idea is simple, I will choose 3 modalities and do these FOR THE REST of my life whether I like it or not. I literally mean the rest of your life until your are NOT capable of doing anymore. You will have ingrained these so much into your psyche that when your not on medication the momentum will propel you FORWARD. This has to absolutely BE STATIC and it MUST not change no matter what. You probably hate this but it's for your own good. The same goes for structure in your life.

 

                      Here is a Sample Modality I've made:

 

               FAILED MODALITY:

 

          1. Political Science(Be a Politican)

          2. Economics

          3. Dancing 

          4. Working Out:

 

              This modality failed because my medication rendered my ability to dictate social situations MEANINGLESS, so there is not really a point doing this anymore and to be frank I'm sick of dealing with people. Along with the fact that I Lack and dictate social situations. So, Your first modality will be your CORE  modality or your CAREER, if you will. This is what should in principal consume you AND EXTRINSICALLY Motivate you.  Notice that economics is connected to Political science, so this allows me to CREATE DEPTH which is EXPERTISE or ADHD-EXPERTISE. We need DEPTH super badly to make real money. So I've trashed this modality because of the medication paradox, I WILL still finish my degree in Political Science/Economics  but the modality will be replaced.

 

                   SUCCESSFUL MODALITY

       

         1. Computer Science=(Practical Modality/IN DEMAND SKILL)

         2. Economics/Mathematics-(Strengthens Logic/Related To Computer Science)

         3. Dancing

         4. Working Out

         5. Automotive Tech=(Has Practicality as well)

                          IN this modality, I've BARELY changed it because you NEED TO STICK TO SOMETHING NO MATTER what and NOT Change.  This is the problem people with ADHD-PI have is we either forget are commitments or we are too scatter-brained. So if your brain tells you to DO XYZ, reflect back to your modalities? Is it related to what your doing ? If not, then IGNORE IT, You will be using an extrinsic SHEET to inform you of what you should do, sense your brain is too stupid to do this. You will be doing this UNTIL YOU DIE. Literally, you will not stop and you will continue to do this even when your bored and don't want to do it. This is how you build depth and how I've managed to continue working out for 2 1/2 years before, this I could barely maintain a commitment longer than 3 months before failing or forgetting it.   The last thing you NEED IS THIS,

 

                        CONTINUITY OF EXISTING OUTCOMES: 

 

                  Notice, that I've jumped from 2 different universities each one only AFTER 1 YEAR which is NOT enough time to build real depth. You won't be jumping around NO LONGER. Once you pick a modality you will STICK with it and you will pick jobs in your FIELD ONLY. For example, when I was a Pols MAJOR, I ran for elections, joined a club in political science and worked for the MCCLURE research institute and did policy research etc.  The more you focus on your field you get the more expertise you develop. You will do the same exact thing, If I choose COMP SCI, I work as  a Junior developer, then I work towards senior developer and I keep developing depth in the field in a CONTINUITY logical flow path. You should NOT be TAKING random JOBS YOU are either BAD at OR have little relationship to your FIELD otherwise your misallocating your time.

 

                    Also, note I changed my modality and am Leaving my university because I have absolutely no choice and have basically fucked myself in the process. You ONLY change your MODALITIES if it will absolutely NOT WORK. Note, that my software engineering still has continuity because I've already DONE programming in highschool so it BUILDS on itself. The more you do something over and over the more it will BUILD on itself.  For example, if I had stayed at SAN JOSE STATE University, I would have 4 years oF DEPTH and would have deep connections compared to my fragmented TENURE. Now, I'm going to be perpetually stuck a FRESHMAN with LITTLE DEPTH . At best I will get 2 YEARS of DEPTH at UCR assuming nothing goes wrong but it doesn't matter. This is why cycling through hobbies doesn't work, your perpetually a ROOKIE and you achieve no higher competence. Competence is meritocracy and this is what I call ADHD-MASTERY. You will DO THIS UNTIL YOU DIE AND all positions you do WILL ALWAYS be in your field. You will LEARN NOTHING new  no new hobbies NO nothing.

       

                          Finally, Pick Practicality as this will GET YOU out of your HEAD. Not going to lie, I don't like automotive at all and I've long sense lost interest in Economics but I will keep DOING IT regardless. Everything I choose GROUNDS my THEORETICAL NATURE, YOU NEED APPLICATION OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE, so choose something practical even if you don't like it.  I choose Math/Economics which is basically the same subject to strengthen my logical concrete thinking in PRACTICAL TERMS.  Remember, your STUCK IN YOUR HEAD too much..Are goal is to STOP THINKING. Finally, this is impossible without medication if you have TRUE-ADHD-PI .

 

 

                     Conclusion: Oh  and your welcome, I've basically made a Mastery construct THROUGH experience that you can USE and it WORKS. Not that any of the idiot haters on longecity have done anything of consequence. So, I've provided you what I call ADHD-MASTERY and these are the ONLY 5 things you focus on that you ACTIVELY IMPROVE UPON AND NOTHING ELSE. I have a youtube channel but this isn't a MODALITY because these are skills of APPLICATION and Not skills OF KNOWLEDGE. These are two hugely different things. Next time, I reply in a month we will be exploring how to control what I call Instant-gratification BINGE CYCLES, where you basically binge instant-gratification in times of CRISIS.   I've done this multiple times when my life went to shit, when I broke my car I wasted time on pornography  for 5 hours. This IS DESTRUCTIVE, we need to be CONSTRUCTIVE or we will never achieve anything. Finally, I am confident beyond a reasonable doubt that WESTERN DIET more than likely IMPAIRS focus and impulsive. The simplest answer, is when you eat, blood is direct to the gut during away from THE PFC(Prefrontal-Cortex) which further exacerbates you already LOW AROUSAL STATE.  I will be making a customized SUSTAINABLE  DIET. The last thing I will discuss in the next 5 months, is what I call the problems of sustainability.  Everything a person with ADHD-PI we do is UNSUSTAINABLE and this is what causes are DEPENDENT and exploitative behavior of OTHERS. I will explore this in depth when I better find a stronger solution to ADHD. Which I will either take a year off school to see what else works or I will do something else.

  

                     PLEASE SUPPORT THIS THREAD, LIKE MY POSTS, I AM NOT YOUR ENEMY . I'm literally KILLING MYSELF TO find fucking Answers. Just because I can be a jerk doesn'

t mean I'm YOUR ENEMY. I'm NOT and READ my POSTS. Support me so, we can FIND REAL ANSWERS TO ADHD-PI. Just remember ALL THE HATERS haven't DONE JACK SHIT, I'm the ONLY one actually working to develop real solutions. 

 

                  I made a POST ON THE ADHD-PI PARADOX with NO RESPONSES, This makes no sense to me, You are also DEALING with this paradox? I am not the only one? Do you want to continue to be A ZOMBIE? Then SUPPORT the ADHD CAUSE..I've no idea why you would attack the person that is working TO HELP YOU? Why would you bite the hand that feeds?

 

                                             Just remember I've actually been authentic, I've TOLD YOU All of my fuckups, loosing tens of thousands of dollars, VOLUNTARILY lost JOBS so I could SHOW YOU what works and what doesn't? None of those haters have done a TENTH of what I've done. At best they have REACHED THE SAME CONCLUSIONS OR LESS.  It is easy to criticize but HARD TO FIND REAL ANSWERS..If you believe in this thread then SUPPORT people who are ACTUALLY WORKING towards real answers... Do not Mistake a persons ANGER as a being of their CHARACTER. Again, I repeat I am NOT YOUR ENEMY,  I am FIGHTING  so we all can LIVE THE BEST lives.   If you do not support this thread, then 

                     you are saying you do not BELIEVE in real solutions and are CONTENT being  a MEDICATED ZOMBIE. Let that sink in.. IF you actually read the posts their are good answers.  

 

 

                 /TLDR COMMITMENT MODALITY/ SUPPORT THIS THREAD/LIKE IT/SUPPORT ADHD CAUSE ETC

 

              IF YOU DON'T SUPPORT THIS THREAD, your basically saying you don't give  a fuck about this https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/ Here, you have 500k  people who's lives have BEEN DESTROYED by this disorder. 500K exactly LIKE US who are all SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS. BEING SILENT IS THE SAME AS AGREEING WITH THE HATERS, Silence equals acceptance  

Edited by DrewMichael21, 09 July 2019 - 04:16 AM.

[MichaelFocus22]

07-15-2019:

 

                   1.  I thought I'd post something about my current mind-state before I head off to bed. I'm confident beyond a reasonable doubt that SOMETHING about food makes my mind stupidly scattered, as if I lose like 15 iq points. Their is speculation that food makes you lethargic but I find it icnredibly unlikely that I should LOSE that much performance on cognition.  I worked towards one meal a day or two meals a day with one protein shake and it just seemed to make me much lazier, slower and overall way more impulsive. I did NOT like it. Although I did a good amount of work I couldn't finish 1 module which would NORMALLY be trivial to me and I found it hard to sit in my seat when I normally don't have this problem. I would get anxiety and would just get bored with the entire process that I couldn't give my FULL ATTENTION to the task at hand.  Normally, on my baseline cognition I can organize solid concrete structures but now it feels foggy and undisciplined. This is frustrating because it feels like I have no control over when I'm productive and when I'm not. Which means I don't feel in CONTROL of my productivity. Oh and small things to note, I started making small mistakes, I broke the zipper on my backpack, I got excessively cocky,  I was just overall...messier I don't know how to describe it..I had too many ideas and my modalities became TOO FLUID again, so I will just keeping taking my medication again for 4 days until it stabilizes but I suspect we will have to wait until better treatment comes. Tommorow, I will do yoga as another treatment modality for my ADHD  but I'm really really not like how much my producitivity is being affected by FOOD. I'm running under a solid deficit in calories and still consistently inconsistent with only a superficial layer of consistency so naturopathic remedies have been minimal.  Just general observations...

[MichaelFocus22]

08-1-2019

 

 

                                              1. So I've finally returned to my home-town where all this degeneracy and all of the problems started and I must say that I really don't care for this town very much. I'd like to leave eventually when I can make my own money and atart building my own life. This post will be brief and it has to with aspects of Why,you might be terminated from your position. I recently called my own employment agency and I asked them the grounds of my termination and it was apparently "performance", keep in mind that boxing cutting is literally the EASIEST JOB you can do at the warehouse and the most BORING. It's also where I made my most of money and when I still suffering from gaming addiction obviously and porn addiction which I am still in the process of over-coming. In other given respects, I'm still reflecting on my old job positions and I see the same similar trends of JOB performance as one of the main issues rather than the social context which makes more sense. You can be an autistic asshole or rude with meds as long as you GET RESULTS. Keep in Mind this was ON concerta when I was at Summer CA and at WAREHOUSE and Dishwashing, the points of performance themselves were NOT improved as Dr. Barkley predicted. I've already titrated from as low as 5 mg methylpehnidate to as high as 100 mg during my drive from Idaho To california, I'd say that the Meds merely helped with the sustain of focus. I could have done the drive without meds but I would NOT have enjoyed it and their was a way higher likelyhood of crashing etc. 

                                      2. In other news the transition from Idaho, to california and having to drive 1100 miles was incredibly difficult to do. I know for a fact that the BEST way to tell that you have ADD, is are your abilities of locomotion IMPAIRED? I noticed after driving for LONG hours on the road that I had a tendency to swerve left or hit the white lines and hear bumps. I had a great deal of anxiety driving because I'm always paranoid of getting hit and my ability to park seems to be impaired. I've known that I wasn't a good driver for a while but the ability of correctly parking has to do with spatial DISTANCES AND BEING able to correctly put a vehicle in reverse which I can do obviously, but I find that the cars parking is ALWAYS off and it's much harder for me to GAUGE distances and even when I park it toke me a long time to always keep the wheels straight because I'd get the directions mixed up. This means that we beyond a reasonable doubt have BIOLOGICAL EVIDENCE that ADHD effects the  cerebellum which has to do with Locomotion. The best way I can describe it is  a biological confusion of motion that I'm not able to truly fix "permanently" but only consciously with effort. I also experienced attention fatigue and almost killed myself about 5 times on that drive so, I consider myself lucky.  Otherwise, I've more jobs and more everything yet it's unclear what will equalize the playing field at this point. As I registered for classes I waited very late TO REGISTER for the best classes now I have to wait until next semester due to this pathetic temporal blindness. Nonetheless, I will be filing for supplemental State income as a insurance policy which you MAY QUALIFY FOR IF YOU HAVE ADHD-PI and have been through 10 jobs LIKE ME. Just be aware that this process can TAKE YEARS but it's a good insurance policy.   Anyways, I've let EVERYONE know about this ADHD and I mean EVERYONE because I want them to see the destruction I UNINTENTIONALLY left in my wayk.  This seems to be a trend of ADD is to burn bridges and repeat the process and jump job to jump like a degenerate.   Hmm, Not sure what else to add? POINT: ADHD IMPAIRS LOCOTOMOTION, SPATIAL SKILLS, CAUSES YOU TO ZONE OUT ON DRIVING, MISSING DETAILS,  and making too wide of turns in a turn lane can KILL SOMEONE. You are literally a DRIVING HAZARD and I still MAKE THESE MISTAKES despite being AWARE OF IT.

 

                                    3. Hmm, Not sure what else to say?  ADD is a son of a bitch as we all know and I'm kind of tired of thinking about it. I may take some time off to recharge my mind on this topic because you get sick and tired of thinking baout impairments that you have no control over nor are fixable. Anyways, I'm considering CBD OIL and will be getting a medical card perhaps, I don't intend to ever become a "pothead" only hyperconcentrated THC maybe, for medical purposes but it's good to have just in case.  Finally, ADHD-PI is manageable if you have a SUSTAINABLE income and this will be your biggest challenge by far.  Every job on the job market assumes neurotypical functioning, attention to detail, teamplayer and ability to take orders from a boss. This makes you an AWFUL employee and an employee that struggles with SUSTAINING FOCUS which equals poverty. End of story. I'm still searching for something that gives me LONG -TERM job security, if I had that I'd be ok with fucking up as long as I can FIX IT. This will be your greatest challenge that is almost impossible to solve... Worst part is not having your own life. I'm sick of having to put my life on hold and my goals because of something that I was born with?  Something has to give.. I just don't know what it is. Perhaps, a new revolutionary treatment, a new LAW for ADHD or an amazing position? Who knows!?

 

 

                                                                   /TLDR  ADHD-impairs driving, ability to direct between left and right impaired, ability to stick to a task, confusion of ADHD-MEDICATION paradox, the great equalizer, BEING STUCK IN LIMBO

Edited by DrewMichael21, 02 August 2019 - 02:32 AM.

[MichaelFocus22]

08-9-2019:  1.   As I Continue onward, I decided I want to discuss 2 seperate topics and why the necessity of medication even despite all the side-effects and social externalities. The simplest, answer is that without your ADD medication you simply won't be able to persist into the future to do what needs to be done. You as an ADD person are at a significant disadvantage because you simply don't persevere over YEARLY time-spans. If we are forever stuck in the moment, we never reach the pinnacle of are potential. The compensation you get off medication-simply is not enough.  Medication will allow you to persist over YEARS and not months or weeks. Months and weeks is NOT enough of a period of time to be able to achieve your fullest potential. Their  needs to be a continuity of outcome, that allows you to persist towards any task. This how I've been able to persist over yearly time-spans while before it was simply 1-2 months at most.  Over a yearly time-span you attain intermediacy of outcome in comparison to the LATTER case. You will not get equal compensation in the prior case, simply because off medication everything you do is short-term.  So this is the necessity, of medication is we must persist into the FUTURE until better treatments are developed.  It's an inevitability, so for now I believe the goal is a WAITING game   until sufficient and superior treatments appear. Now, if you choose the latter method it's important to realize, that your not doing yourself any service because you will probably mis-manage your money and make yourself go broke. Leverage your stability until you have sustainable income on medication and go from there. 

 

                         2. I'm fairly certain I've solved my employment problems with auto-mechanic work and I'm showing you this as you can use this as a template for PERMANENT employment.  The problem is simple, we work best alone and have issues with the medication paradox. So we find an x position that allows us to SELF-EMPLOY meaning we deal with no boss and it's a position that can never be outsourced or taken by other people because it requires a high time-investment.  So simply, find an X in demand skill that allows for permanent self-employment and you can build your client work around you and Your work instead of something taxining sustained focus on executive functions. In  3 months or less I will make 25$ an hour which is almost triple of what I could charge doing something else. With tools, no one can compete with you because tools cost THOUSANDS of dollars and most will not invest this type of money. Above all, you need not worry about the medication paradox because you are FIXING something which requires no face to face interaction. You continue to use the medication until your work self-reinforces itself. With this, I can get an Apartment, get a girlfriend and afford a comfortable life-style on my own time. In otherwords, in about a year or two time, I SHOULD have enough money to live off of in perpetuity. Meaning I will never ever run out of money which is nice.  So Follow, this template, find a skill that has high BARRIER entry and is NOT able to be outsourced. Mechanics will be one of the last fields out-sourced and even then tools costs thousands of dollars.  Also, with tools you are STORING money in those tools which serve as a HEDGE against Inflation.  

 

                       3. This just a basic principle of what I CALL CHUNKING, quitting pornography is incredibly addictive similar to that of HEROIN, in order to truly quit you NEED To CHUNK your goal. Every 15 days I said I will reach here and the goal was small but ATTAINABLE. The more attainable the goal was the easier it felt. If I just did 1-365 days or a year goal, you get no reward for your efforts, it's requiring you to sustain your FOCUS. Which is a biological impossibility until we have the great equalizer. So you will be chunking, your work into small chunks which is why pomodoro timers work as well as they do. As you chunk a task, you expend less mental energy because your very low on energy and everything requires high energy output. This can be applied to essentially anything, you want to learn programming? Then do a little everyday until the compounding effect builds up over-time and reinforces itself. With chunking things can be manageable but never fall under the delusion that you can IMPLEMENT THE INFORMATION, implementing new information on medication is significantly easier than, if we were NOT on medication. Simply, because seeing a task from start to finish requires alot of dopamine and stimulation. On the days you don't want meds? Drink coffee with creamer and that seems to do the trick with no anxiety but the effects are inferior to medication.   Remember, without perseverance of context, you will never ever be able to achieve a goal of anything worth doing. It's that simple. The person who persisted from August 2017 to  August of 2019 has OLD muscle that is constantly building up because he consistently applied it. The longest I've ever did something was ON MEDICATION, I've been working out for 2 years consistently because of MEDS. Even if your an asshole, it's better to be a medicated zombie with money than the inverse. I believe I see what the goal is now. The goal, is to develop enough revenue streams and fail safe mechanisms to where you don't NEED to take your MEDS, the excess money is used for fixing any mess ups accordingly. This is what I'm building towards. That is all.

 

                                          /TLDR Building Up Over-time, Compounding effect, Sustainable income, persevering over YEARS NOT WEEKS OR MONTHS