119 replies to this topic

[MichaelFocus22]

1. 08-25-2019: A brief update as I usually went over the literature and began to mull my head over in a pointless waste of time day as was today, I began to contemplate what else could I have missed in relationship to ADHD-PI? Well, I began to study tourette syndrome another co-morbidity disorder with a high inheritance of a whopping 75% with ADHD-PI and tourette syndrome. Their is also another group of ADHD people with hyperactive who had DSYLEXIA or dyscalcuia which is another seperate region impaired in the brain entirely. This makes sense, because for the longest of time I could no figure out WHY one group had more motivation and yet seemed to demonstrate incredibly SIMILAR impairments. This, i believe may be the defining characteristic between a true neurogenetic cause of ADHD, ask them did they or did they NOT have tourette syndrome as a kid? I had ALL of the symptoms, chronic eye blinking, clearing of the throat and other impulsive tendencies that I could not STOP and eventually they went away with time but I believe  left permanent neurological differences, that were masked but NOT CHANGED and this is what the ADHD-PI is. I suspect, that the tourette syndrome may have preceded the ADHD at least on a neurological level and over-time the consequences of executive deficits manifested but the underlying neuro-genetic neurochemical cause  of tourette syndrome remained. Which explains WHY people like JOHN sonomez, seem to have ADHD like thought process but seem to somehow have TOO MUCH energy and an INTACT executive system yet display similar conditions. He did NOT have tourette syndrome and this is what we should be using to separate the groups of children depending upon their original neurological condition. 

 

 2. So whats the big deal? Well, are first problem is that all stimulants have diminishing utility of return over long periods of time which has long sense been established in the literature and through repeated anecdotal experiments committed by various longecity members with the same complaints of emotional blunting, zombie effect etc. We already know all this and increasing energy in the entire BRAIN is NOT specifically targeting the real areas that are impaired. This is why all psychotropic interventions will fail because if you are not selectively getting the medication towards the correct part of the brain then it is meaningless. So, sense ADHD-PI is MORE DEBILITATING and HARDER to treat than ADHD-Hyperactive then what is the solution? Well, I believe the first condition we must investigate into is NO longer the ADHD-PI but rather the neurological underpinnings of what causes Tourette syndrome and what type of dysfunctions or permanent residual damages have been left from these developmental delays? I suspect, this would involve brain scans of adolescent boys which it PRIMARILY falls into and NOT girls and to see what areas are being impaired and is it consistently the basal ganglia? Then, we would analyze what groups with ADHD do and DO NOT have the tourette syndrome and do they display these tendencies? Keep in mind this happens in only 1% of children and this means I'm a very very small Minority of children. This should be the SINGLE defining factor of whether you have REAL ADHD, Did you have a neurogenetic BRAIN DELAY? If you did NOT, you probably do NOT have ADHD-PI. End of discussion. This allows us to censor the fucking idiots claiming to have this condition and to separate the REAL individuals . Next, I suspect, that SUSTAINABLE long-term treatments that truly target the deficits of ADHD must target the impairments of what tourette syndrome has seemed to damage. Potentially, this would allow for neurogenetic SPECIFIC treatment than neurogenetic GENERAL treatment which is akin to a caveman  chemically lobotomizing you hoping you feel a little better. As we know, stimulants do not appear to fix the executive deficits but only the ability to sustain your focus over a long time span. Thus, this begs the question, if we are to achieve greater functioning to neurotypical functions, it can only be attained through an external device that mimics the PFC/Basal ganglia or directly attacks the deficit through neurochemical means, which might provide sustained treatment over the patients life-time until that individuals genes should have been genetically filtered from the defect.  Thus, this explains why ADHD is not QUITE a diabetes of the brain because dopamine stimulants should Totally correct the dsyfunction of the brain but it DOES NOT DO IT like in the case of insulin towards diabetes which achieves 100% of normal blood sugar regulation that is dependent on INSULIN. If, we had these neurogenetic treatments that acknowledged and addressed the Tourette Dsyfunction in ADHD-PI, then it's probably that sustained treatments could correct these deficits to say 80% of neurotypical functioning, at least in speculative terms.

 

             3.  Tourette syndrome shares many similarities towards parkinson disease, huntingtons disease, psychopathy and conduct disorder and their are overlaps with many other disorders such as skizotypal, skizoid personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder where many psychiatric diseases seem to have high neurogenetic overlap. Thus, it's highly probably that many of these conditions share very similar real biological brain dysfunctions. In the case of tourette syndrome the basal ganglia and cerebellum are often noted to be overactive  sending impulsive and inappropriate social gestures without regards to context of other individuals. These individuals have involuntary ticks and are often noted to be impulsive without regard to the context of the impulse. Perhaps, it may also be worth investigating what are the long-term manifestations of tourette syndrome that have gone dormant in adults and what are the long-term health consequences. Sadly, their is very little tourette syndrome literature and an over-flowing abundance of ADHD-PI literature that seems to potentially neglect is co-morbid cousin.

 

            4.  Within the next 5 to 10 years, with appropriate funding, I believe it's perfectly reasonable for SUSTAINABLE TREATMENTS to be neurogenetically SPECIFIC to the actual neurocognitive damage that CORRECTS the damage rather than generalizing the dysfunction across the  entirety of the brain to be developed. Primarily, their is a great consumer demand for these treatments and their is sufficient economic incentive towards developing them with right investments. Unfortunately, these treatments will not develop without advances into the specific causes of tourette syndrome may lead to the breakthroughs in ADHD-PI sufficiently needed to truly understand what is really going on beyond the typical dopamine imbalance theory that is utterly outdated and does not explain the deeper developmental delays of the disorder.  If we, have sufficient funding and lobbying this could be a reality only through sufficient support would lead to these breakthroughs just  in time to achieve your potential while we are still young.  2 other potential developments could come from the field of CRISPR and genetic-modification of ADHD genes could lead to a theoretical cure to this disorder or even some type of eletronic head-device that allows for artificial PFC prefrontal cortex reinforcements that might mimic inhibition similar to the basal ganglia perhaps. How this would be created or implemented is unclear. We are rapidly reaching the middle of the 21st century and these technologies WILL be available well before 2050.

 

                                           P.S             As the years wear onward I implore you to reconsider and invest into the future of ADHD-PI treatments, for without these treatments development your life may become a waste if you are not careful. If are goal is to achieve all of are potential, then this must be an ultimatum to rapidly speed up treatments and new developements lest, your one life be a waste and you simply will NOT achieve your potential. If I'd like to remind you all, that you have only one life and then you will be dead. You will not get a second chance. So reconsider, investigate and advocate for ADHD-PI, for this is the only way towards speeding up the process. Lest, you ignore this message your fate will be the same as mine. You will go through tons of jobs, be an outcast, be low on the economic ladder and live for the day to day instant-gratification while you chronically exhaust yourself everyday brute-forcing life but it never works no matter how hard you work.  Without new treatments with such proposals we may all be doomed to life of medicocrity.

 

 

                                     /TLDR New insights On Tourette Syndrome/ Basal Ganglia, Neurogenetic-specific treatments, READ THE MESSAGE/SPREAD, New studies to the cause of tourette syndrome? What's the significance of Tourette syndrome? Is it the underlying causes of ADHD-PI?

Edited by MichaelFocus22, 26 August 2019 - 01:11 AM.

[MichaelFocus22]

09/7/2019:

 

                               1. I will continue to update this thread and as I've predicted I've hit a PLATEAU with my ritalin/concerta, so I will be transitioning to other meds or raise my dose once again. Overall, I've developed a new level of apathy that could be because I'm frustrated with the lack of solutions towards ADHD-PI and finding that sustainable solution that can assist me in reaching my goals. I've started taking automotive technical courses along with one computer programming course, but it's a struggle to motivate one self, when I should care about it. I've already started off the semester somewhat poorly which is not characteristic of me. Perhaps, it could be due to the intense, california HEAT and the 10 mile commute that I have to make everyday, I'm very annoyed as of late with this high level of mediocrity... Their is an increasing likelihood that I'm probably fucked, unless something SIGNIFICANT changes...I've been eating a good deal of food and it can make you somewhat more lazier, but I'm not one to look for excuses for my pitiful performance...I did want to share a new observation I've noticed but have never reported until now:

 

                     2. I call it "Anxiety homework-attack", it's what I've been describing all THROUGH my time in idaho where I would have periods, where I couldn't focus and my hands and arms had this really fucking annoying tension along with my back and ankles. It's this strange feeling that goes all the way up my body and I've suffered from it as long as I can remember. It normally, doesn't happen very often and the MEDS had effectively zero effect on focus which further fucking irritated me. Then again ritalin, isn't really that useful for academic work anyways. So what do I mean? Well, I literally couldn't will myself to do the work because my entire body was in pain, it was excruciatingly painful to type anything or to will myself forward. I then noticed I started moving my legs very quickly which means that I was "stimulating myself" through motion to raise my arousal state. I then yelled in rage at my inability to get rid of this "feeling in my body" and Had to keep getting up because the feeling was VERY UNPLEASANT, I used to lay down on my couch for hours as A kid and it's probably just a manifestation of anxiety causing aches and pains in the body. Notice, that Yelling in anger and moving your feet seems to raise arousal states, which is basically what I was doing... It's unclear what triggers these "pain episodes" but they can last hours and even as I type I have this annoying tension in my hand that is seeking release, which is basically cracking your knuckles due to impulsivity. When these episodes come on, I typically, go straight to bed because their is no point brute-forcing through this "feeling" until it passes because otherwise, I don't make any progress, which I made very little of today which was very annoying. These episodes of "pain" can be so intense, that it literally feels like someone is torturing you even they you want to do the homework your mind is torturing you in the process.

 

                   3.  I've been feeling increasingly frustrated my the lack of progress in my life at this point and am sick of the stalling yet it's not clear what needs to be done. Increasingly, I've been feeling more apathetic which is not characteristic of me yet I find myself just going through the motions, as if I'm waiting for something to happen but I know it will never come... As usual, I will persevere through this to bring to you the RESULTS, so that we can find a sustainable long-term answer towards ADHD-PI. All, I can do now is push through this until the wheels fall off, I'm still not making sufficient money and my motivation to apply for work has dropped dramatically, which is NOT characteristic of what I normally do.. It's probably just a passing phase that has to do with medication but it feels  like I'm in a perpetual hell where I'm doomed to be tortured for all time for simply wanting to live my-life . Everyday, seems to be the same story of taking the meds, to get through the grind to the next day, to watch myself from a far as I continue this grind. I see medicore results, I fail perpetually and their seems to be no reprieve. The next day comes, I get up and do it again. When I crash i binge tv shows and repeat the process. It's one thing to do work hard, it's another to do the same thing again and again with no veil of hope. It's as if I'm doomed to roam hell in perpetuity looking for the success that will never come.... Yet, I must not give up. Their must be a way, there is always a way.. even with ADD-PI. We must not accept a conditional state until we get what we want. Thus, I will continue this grind until I succeed or fail, in the end I will not negotiate with ADD-PI.

 

                  4. Besides, the rant, What is the plan now? Can we have both? I've decided that once, I make enough money to perpetually RENEW me, I will get rid of my meds so long as I ALWAYS have income that will never run out, no matter what I do.. At best meds, willl be last resort but unfortunately I've not hit the threshold to where I can generate enough income. I've still not found that ONE position that gives me long-term job security which would AFFORD ME TIME and money to set up this final-fail safe plan to give me my freedom. Unfortunately, I'm hesitant to make new plans because every-plan you make will probably just blow up in your face...So this time, I'm not going to make a plan. I don't know what is going to happen. The next few years are a unpredictable mystery... What I am certain of, is I can get enough time to finish my degree and generate enough passive-income streams, I should be able to live-off it in perpetuity while allowing me to pay the ADHD-PI-TAX which runs in the thousands of dollar range to pay.  If I can generate 200k in raw income and diversify these assets I could live off this forever and never run out of money. I do not want these income streams to be DEPENDENT on my ability nor my character because these are inconsistent because of ADHD-PI. This proposiition is unrealistic because, I've never ever been able to generate such an income nor executed a sustained long-term plan without something destroying it prematurely. If I fail then, it's over.

 

 

                                                                 /TLDR CONTINUE THE GRIND/ MUST NOT QUIT/ NOT GIVING UP/ ADHD-PI ACHE? PAIN-MODE?

 

Edited by MichaelFocus22, 08 September 2019 - 05:37 AM.

[MichaelFocus22]

09-13-2019:

                 1. I decided to update this while, I'm in this "flow-state" so, that I can analyze a few different things of contention. Within this state, I would say that I'm absolute peak of raw cognitive ability, OFF medication ONLY, this typically only occurs when I don't eat to many big meals which significantly makes me foggy which I've stated many times. Typically, how I do this, is I time when I take my meals and when I don't take my meals, so I can time peak productivity hours. In this state, I can make quick associations of logic in a super-quick fashion that neuromonkeys are incapable of keeping up with. My chatter in my brain is at it's max and rumination appears to be at it's peak. In this state, I can voluntarily do whatever, I want without much of an issue, I intentionally procrastinated on homework and time-dilation seems to be happening where the day seems to be VERY VERY slow. My creative faculties to do novel tasks is amplified significantly and I can do new inventions and generate new modality plans, which seems to self-generate themselves subconsciously almost instantaneously. Which is the polar opposite, of my other conditional state, where I had the inability to sit in place or focus because of this chronic back-pain because of anxiety and it's unclear what caused that issue. I still seem to get tired very easily but my peak mental abilities everything seems to flow without any problem and social context along with fluid thinking seems to be accessible but it's absolutely unclear if this is consistent. This thread, I'm writing in this state, because these states seem to have no rhyme or reason, where I have no control over performance. One moment I'm on and the next moment I'm not. To note, I did research into mass egg consumption releases trytophan which releases lots of sleep chemicals which might make you very lethargic. The goal, then would be to surely preserve this, peak focus all day but it seems to be hit or miss because their isn't anything to really channel this into to say the least.  Again, their seems to be no rhyme or reason to this state or what I call "control of performance", which is what ADHD-PI impairs. If I was in this state all day I could do basically anything. In this state, being a "lazy piece of shit" is a voluntary choice which normally isn't the case when I'm lethargic or impulsive in other conditional states.  Not sure, what this has to do with ADD-PI but it seems to be related, because the states of ADHD-PI should be all encompassing and chronic, their seems to be no reason this.  I just thought I'd share.

 

                           2. I also wanted to add one more thing, that I now understand what is suppressed when Medication was Working. After many observations, I believe, ritalin supresses  fluid thinking associations and emotional tonality associations, it's as if it's blunted some-how. When it was truly working around 1 1/2 years ago  I had improved cognitive memory and was a total zombie and emotionally disconnected and socially isolated.. So, I'm not really sure what else to do add other than the cost of fluid thinking seems to be important.  Ultimately, the simplest answer, is without having  both contexts it should surely be pointless.  Frankly, I find it fucking annoying I would rather it all be hopeless and meaningless then have hope. I would prefer suicidal thoughts and hopelessness because it gives you a consistent message. So in the case of unmedication vs Medication states, meds are equivocally not like glasses for people with ADD-PI because you are required to make chronic trade-offs. It's not clear what should be done anymore and All these useless hope means nothing unless it can be controlled.  Also, I believe that the loss of fluid-thinking associations probably explains, my lower grades on certain writing assignments  which may be related to emotional tonality suppression? This is my theory anyways.. Again all of this "awareness" is pretty fucking worthless because I've no idea how to control it. It also doesn't address how you keep consistency for years on end without meds is probably impossible. So I've no answers for you..

 

                          P.s I will be investigating briefly, into a sleep study to see if their is anything else that I missed but it's highly unlikely, their are a few interesting disorders, such as sleep apnea, delay-onset sleep syndrome, restless leg syndrome and a few others. It's novelty, interesting that it takes me forever to go sleep without some sound in the background. It's not likely to yield anything unfortunately. It also fails to explain my impulsive, chronic rumination that never goes, perpetual anxiety and all sorts of other issues. It would be pretty amazing to have sleep apnea but I've not heard of a case of minor sleep apnea bu nonetheless I will investigate into it simply to dismiss every possibility. It's important to note, that  my prioritization is still impaired it seems and impulsivity or addictive tendencies still seems to be latent even at my peak mental state. In this state I'm easily 15+ points smarter than your average neuromonkey at least on raw information processing and idea-association? Anyways, I will report the results of the sleep study and they will probably be negative...Maybe I'll get a brain scan of my defective brain. Better cover all basis  and account for all possibilities than not at all. That is all..

 

                                          / A few Novel Observations, Sleep-study,neurotypicals, Fluid-association abilities, Lethargy, No control over performance states etc.

[MichaelFocus22]

09-24-2019: 

                                                                                YERKES-DODSON LAW 

 

                                    1. I've found found something of usefulness to add to this thread and it finally explains the potential barometric limits of all stimulants, no matter the dose, you will never achieve what a neurotypical can achieve. I've often wondered why does my academic performance seem to decrease? Surely, it should increase if I'm perpetually underaroused? I've known on an instinctual level something was up but I had nothing to really back up my intuitions. Little did I know all of my intuitions were ALL CORRECT. So what do I mean by the natural limit of stimulants? Does this apply to everyone?  Well, I stumbled on this thing called the Yerkes-Dodson Law,  they did a basic experiment on rats in the 1900's by giving them an artificial shock treatment at varying level voltages. At a medium dose of eletrical shock the rats have a temporary higher optimal arousal state that allowed them to get through the gate and escape. At ever higher eletrical voltages, the rats invariably refused to leave the gate and attempted to de-equalize the excessively high arousal state caused by the artificial electro shock. So, this seems trivial SO WHY does it matter? Well, because it shows the fundamental flaws of ALL STIMULANTS AND what new TREATMENTS, must be designed around in order to achieve the optimal arousal state which allows you to achieve your potential. A neurotypical can self-modulate this arousal state at will depending upon any task given to them through emotional tonalities that project themselves into the future. Often years at  a time, allowing them to recall past-experiences and learning from those experiences by remember such arousal states. The yerke dodson law shows, that ALL activities in daily life require VARIANCE arousal states, at every single task to achieve optimal stimulation and optimal performance.  The individual who can achieve and consistently apply this arousal state at will, becomes the most successful individual in any given task simply because they can optimize their focus towards a performance. This performance, invariable translates into all the things, that matter in life, FROM prestige, money, power,  performance etc.  

 

                              2. This is the fundamental LIMIT of all SUCCESS, on your stimulants UNLESS YOU are a NON-RESPONDER to side-effects. All stimulants raise AROUSAL STATES irrespective of the task and does NOT  account for arousal stimulus demands to achieve the optimal Yerkes-dodson Law Curve.  On a Yerkes Curve, you have low stimulus state where you are incapable of attending to the task because you are too lethargic and unable to sustain your focus, too much stimulus leads to equal loss of performance because you are not accounting for the lower Yerkes Curve, hence leading to equal loss of performance. All stimulants will raise Your Yerkes-Dodson Curve on EVERY task irrespective of the optimal Yerkes Curve, because it simply raises your arousal state while disregarding Modulations of these arousal states. This means if my new arousal state on concerta at 54 MG is a 15 and I'm needing to do a math test that requires only a Yerke Dodson arousal state of 5, I will suffer memory loss problems and ability to make fluid thinking associations because this cognitive mode of thinking REQUIRES  a DIFFERENT AROUSAL STATE, this explains why we seem to lose different modalities of thinking on stimulants. Although are new Yerke-Dodson curve is HIGHER overall, we have NO CAPACITY to modulate this stimulation sense, it's an extrinsic motivating device and NOT Intrinsic meaning not in are control. Thus, we lose cognitive states from excess arousal levels and we will INEVITABLY ALWAYS lose PERFORMANCE ON some activities, for ADD-PI people only because we are perpetually underaroused, unless we can self-modulate are stimulant medication, at WILL, then we must always make an x trade off according to the Yerke- Dodson Curve, this means their exists NO TRUE sweet spot, because the Yerke-Dodson law , demands that we self-modulate the Yerke Curve for varying levels of arousal states, a book might require a Yerke Arousal of 3 and working out might require a 8, if we are a 20 and doing an 8 task, then we will always perform worse than a neuromonkey irrespective, if  we are more stimulated than are normal baseline state. All stimulant ACHIEVEMENT, is always Limited to certain activities that we can MATCH with the arousal state, that we have achieved and inevitably we will not be able to have it all. Like a neurotypical simply, because they can self-modulate their own Yerke-Dodson Law Curve, at will and sustain this optimal peak of stimulation for years on end and achieve high states of competence and achievement simply because their intrinsic ability to self-modulate emotional tonalities that carry over. Inescapably, this means that neurotypicals are MORE emotional than people with ADHD-PI or we seem to be more logical and apathetic or perhaps lack ability to self-modulate are emotional tonality states which directly allows for the manipulation fo are Yerke-Dodson Curve. Without, this ability we are at the whims of the environment and you will underachieve, which we already know

 

                      3. THIS IS YOUR LIMIT, your Yerke-Dodson Curve is abnormally low and when on stimulants you have NO ability to match the arousal state towards that of the environment to achieve the correct state and convert it into a form of achievement/social currency. We all have are own  Yerke-Dodson Law Curve and each state must be modulated to achieve are potential within this given life-time. This also means that all nootropics that mess with the Yerke-Dodson law curve suffer the same LIMITATION of lacking the ability to self-modulate the stimulation curve towards the demand of the environment. This means no stimulant or substance in existence will ever allow you, to achieve your potential. Simply, because you have no capacity to match the Yerke-Dodson Curve of maximum stimulation. Theoretically, if we tested the highest performers and masters of their craft, they probably have a very high ability to control their yerke-dodson curve and have an extremely high efficiency to modulate their states Consistently and through a Sustained effort.  Potentially, if you could consistently  modulate your yerke-dodson curve and actively measure it through a brain-wave scan you could see if you were optimizing your cognitive performance. Furthermore,  if you can consistently modulate and control it even when you don't feel like doing shit, you can achieve anything you want. Whether, that is fucking a slut, or making an empire, their is a yerke-dodson Curve for it. I suspect, that all ACHIEVEMENT, is directly proprotional to the amount of sustained Yerke-Dodson Curve stimulation levels. The person whon can consistently identify their curve and match it constantly will always surpass their competition. This also means, your competition does not matter, if you can consistently optimize your curve better than your opponent can. A new treatment, must account for the Yerke-Dodson Curve  or we will simply never achieve are potential, simply because we must match every arousal state optimally or we can never achieve all that we want to achieve.  This is a HUGE hole in stimulant therapy and that's why it's not just like putting on glasses, at least not for ADHD-PI people anyways. The person that solves this problem, would become instantly wealthy, in principal if this is solved an ADD person could become artificially neurotypical and achieve their optimal Yerke-Dodson Curve and achieve anything to their hearts content.

 

                           /TLDR Yerke-Dodson Curve, must be able to manipulate it to attain achievement, Yerke-Dodson curve shows limits of stimulant use, Neurotypicals/Neuromonkeys can consistently Modulate their Yerke-Dodson curve through emotional tonality states, cognitive states of thinking also require yerke-Dodson Curves, to transition from specific modalities of thinking

 

                                        

[MichaelFocus22]

09-26-2019:                                                       Biological Inability to keep consistency

 

                                   1.  One Last thing, that I wanted to add, after a much time and having more than a sufficient enough sample size of experiences, it's my belief that people with ADHD-PI somehow have the biological inability to keep consistency. I don't know how to describe it but the best way to know when your meds aren't working is to see if you can keep consistency. Off meds my routine has become ever harder to maintain and I've had to break it across parts and sometimes even delay doing it simply because it tasks so much effort to intiatie and complete. Despite doing this for years, it seems to be only artificial at best. I remember the first time I attempted consistency at 15 I would draw every single day and eventually, I got tired and then 1 month pass by and I'd find huge holes in my consistency and not knowing why this happended? I'm confident beyond a reasonable doubt that I'm missing a fundamental biological circuit because keeping consistency is not that hard. Effectively, all we are doing is doing  x task over and over to build proficiency and compounding effect but inevitably, we find ourselves not knowing why we are missing days? Overall, it seems my non-medicated executive limit is a little over 30 days before things seem to fall apart or something blows up or goes wrong.  After habitually ingraining the habit as MUCH as I could, it simply will not STICK to be automatic. I'm not sure what to say. If you give up and quit consistency you will never achieve anything. It's that simple.  Anyways, I thought I'd just inform you, that keeping consistency may BE impossible naturally, in the same way it's biologically impossible for a person to form long-term memories if you have no hippocampus. It's literally, like missing part of your brain, no amount of effort will change having a hole in your brain. As it's biologically impossible for a psychopath to feel emotions, it's probably impossible . Nonetheless, I will do it until the wheels fall off or I die. If your frustrated by your lack of consistency, it's probably not in your control. There were days when I was off meds, where No matter how much cognitive energy I put, I simply couldn't keep the consistency. It's literally impossible to do.  Also, things will fall-apart no matter what you do off-meds, It's hard to describe but it subtly happens somehow.   That is all.

[Clavius]

 

                   3.  I've been feeling increasingly frustrated my the lack of progress in my life at this point and am sick of the stalling yet it's not clear what needs to be done. Increasingly, I've been feeling more apathetic which is not characteristic of me yet I find myself just going through the motions, as if I'm waiting for something to happen but I know it will never come... As usual, I will persevere through this to bring to you the RESULTS, so that we can find a sustainable long-term answer towards ADHD-PI. All, I can do now is push through this until the wheels fall off, I'm still not making sufficient money and my motivation to apply for work has dropped dramatically, which is NOT characteristic of what I normally do.. It's probably just a passing phase that has to do with medication but it feels  like I'm in a perpetual hell where I'm doomed to be tortured for all time for simply wanting to live my-life . Everyday, seems to be the same story of taking the meds, to get through the grind to the next day, to watch myself from a far as I continue this grind. I see medicore results, I fail perpetually and their seems to be no reprieve. The next day comes, I get up and do it again. When I crash i binge tv shows and repeat the process. It's one thing to do work hard, it's another to do the same thing again and again with no veil of hope. It's as if I'm doomed to roam hell in perpetuity looking for the success that will never come.... Yet, I must not give up. Their must be a way, there is always a way.. even with ADD-PI. We must not accept a conditional state until we get what we want. Thus, I will continue this grind until I succeed or fail, in the end I will not negotiate with ADD-PI.

 

                  4. Besides, the rant, What is the plan now? Can we have both? I've decided that once, I make enough money to perpetually RENEW me, I will get rid of my meds so long as I ALWAYS have income that will never run out, no matter what I do.. At best meds, willl be last resort but unfortunately I've not hit the threshold to where I can generate enough income. I've still not found that ONE position that gives me long-term job security which would AFFORD ME TIME and money to set up this final-fail safe plan to give me my freedom. Unfortunately, I'm hesitant to make new plans because every-plan you make will probably just blow up in your face...So this time, I'm not going to make a plan. I don't know what is going to happen. The next few years are a unpredictable mystery... What I am certain of, is I can get enough time to finish my degree and generate enough passive-income streams, I should be able to live-off it in perpetuity while allowing me to pay the ADHD-PI-TAX which runs in the thousands of dollar range to pay.  If I can generate 200k in raw income and diversify these assets I could live off this forever and never run out of money. I do not want these income streams to be DEPENDENT on my ability nor my character because these are inconsistent because of ADHD-PI. This proposiition is unrealistic because, I've never ever been able to generate such an income nor executed a sustained long-term plan without something destroying it prematurely. If I fail then, it's over.

 

 

                                                                 /TLDR CONTINUE THE GRIND/ MUST NOT QUIT/ NOT GIVING UP/ ADHD-PI ACHE? PAIN-MODE?

 

I just wanted to say that I follow your thread closely, because I recognize so much of what you say. The difference is that I'm a lot older then you and I seem to have only recently run into problems with my ADHD-PI due to a cultural change at work. Next week, at 40 years of age, I'll start concerta for the first time. 

Your views on generating passive-income streams are spot on. I have only a few that generate a bit extra. My main source of income continues to be my frustrating office-job where I run into more and more problems with tasks that I used to master for YEARS.

So, I'm curious, what kind of passive-incomes have you been able to generate?

[MichaelFocus22]

I just wanted to say that I follow your thread closely, because I recognize so much of what you say. The difference is that I'm a lot older then you and I seem to have only recently run into problems with my ADHD-PI due to a cultural change at work. Next week, at 40 years of age, I'll start concerta for the first time. 

Your views on generating passive-income streams are spot on. I have only a few that generate a bit extra. My main source of income continues to be my frustrating office-job where I run into more and more problems with tasks that I used to master for YEARS.

So, I'm curious, what kind of passive-incomes have you been able to generate?

 

1. Glad the thread is being of use to you. I'm still in the process of developing passive income streams, so that I can replace the stimulants but it's about 3-4 years away before these income streams start paying me. Some examples, might be making a website and generating website income, using  youtube income, side-work, write e-books etc. I've not managed to generate these income streams yet simply because it takes a long time to do. Biggest hurdle is not having a sustainable income, if I had that I'd easily have many income streams. So in the process of doing it but not yet. Next, I'm attaining assets, to have minor hedges aganist in inflation, like buying thousands of dollars in tools, they largely hold most of their value because a wrench will always be a wrench, which is nice to protect yourself if you need emergency money.  Check into Focalin, it might have less side-effects than concerta. 

Edited by MichaelFocus22, 27 September 2019 - 04:05 PM.

[Clavius]

1. Glad the thread is being of use to you. I'm still in the process of developing passive income streams, so that I can replace the stimulants but it's about 3-4 years away before these income streams start paying me. Some examples, might be making a website and generating website income, using  youtube income, side-work, write e-books etc. I've not managed to generate these income streams yet simply because it takes a long time to do. Biggest hurdle is not having a sustainable income, if I had that I'd easily have many income streams. So in the process of doing it but not yet. Next, I'm attaining assets, to have minor hedges aganist in inflation, like buying thousands of dollars in tools, they largely hold most of their value because a wrench will always be a wrench, which is nice to protect yourself if you need emergency money.  Check into Focalin, it might have less side-effects than concerta. 

 

Interesting, I've always wanted to write a book. Could be my new hyperfocus hobby.

 

Just an update on the Concerta, because I mentioned that I was going to start it this week. It helps a lot with focus and concentration. Motivation is meh. Although it does stop my procrastination. It has become a lot easier to start the tasks at my job. Without medication I would always procrastinate until I would almost get into trouble, panic and finally start because of the panic. That is nowhere now. I sincerely Hope that this effect stay!

[MichaelFocus22]

1.  The issue of Panic, is simply a cause of hormonal rush of adrenaline forcing your mind to focus.  Too be clear, Most of my goals have been so-so successful as of late. I will be getting a new medication soon unless I make an insane amount of money. Don't be disappointed when it stops working at some point. You will need to titrate your dose and take med breaks to maximize it unless your one of the lucky few that doesn't have these issues. Look into the pomodoro timer, I'm fairly functional with it and get most of my responsibilities done. It's just my inability to  hold down a job and prioritize that destroys me. I've been humoring the thought of hanging myself on the tree in my front yard, maybe then the thoughts will finally go away.  Best Of Luck to you.

[MichaelFocus22]

1. Will briefly update this because I'm having an intense period of boredom again and I don't feel like doing anything productive which seems to only be further extenuating the boredom. I thought I'd briefly update the this by addressing anhedonia because that's basically what I'm  experiencing right now.  What is the connection between the anhedonia and ADD-PI? Well, it's very simple Anhedonia is just another terminology used in psychiatry for underarousal of your nervous system. I'm so underaroused right now I feel like sleeping but  even sleeping feels BORING. Anhedonia and ADD are one in the same, in fact it's required you have SEVERE anhedonia to even have ADD because otherwise, this would imply you have the capacity to internally stimulate yourself. People with ADD-PI are incapable of internally stimulating themselves because, they have no capacity for intrinsic motivation everything we do is EXTRINSIC.. I'm literally incapable of INTERNALLY motivating myself and off med's I get so bored I will do nothing despite WANTING to do something. Anhedonia needs to quit being used as a terminology because all forms of depression have to do with LACK of stimulation and pleasure being given to you. It's the same thing as underarousal. For about half of today, I've felt like falling asleep despite not wanting to sleep, I did biking, exercising, pull ups, nothing fucking worked and I was barely interacting with my environment. It was if, I'm in a dream and not fully present with the world because nothing is giving me enough reward to interact with the world around you.  The reason we are scattered is BECAUSE WE ARE SO BORED .  The reason why your not able to prioritize is not simply because your not able to prioritize rather your brain is not able to correctly reward necessary prioritizations to proper activities and this leads to you know what? Boredom, late bills, people bitching at you for leaving doors open, not taking your shoes off and all sorts of trivial shit you don't care about? Why? Because YOUR SO BORED.  Last week, I was so BORED, that I was entertaining the idea of hanging myself just for my own amusement and actually went to Home-depot   and purchased a nylon rope as a thought experiment to figure out the most efficient way to kill myself.  Anhedonia and ADD are ALWAYS one in the same and severe anhedonia is not a voluntary environmental choice, rather it's something born in your genetics. ADD-PI experience, no ordinary boredom, we experience boredom that feels like pain. I literally can barely stand to listen to my professors and literally fill in the gaps for them and ask incessant questions TO STIMULATE MYSELF SO I CAN FOCUS. That's what stupid neurotypicals will never understand, they will never feel the intense Anhedonia, where everything your supposed to do, gives you NO REWARD. I could go to the gym, write an article, make a video, go for a run, then read and do xyz and still FEEL BORED. That's why your incapable of truly specializing because the more you specialize the GREATER detail you go into and the less stimulation you get.  People with ADD-PI may as well be an ENTIRELY SEPERATE disorder because we are severe anhedonia or underaroused in nature and perpetually incapable of sustaining are attention because the boredom is so BAD. I wonder if they will ever invent a treatment, for injecting liquid dopamine into your body? Similar to insulin? Finally, when using psychological terms with ADD-PI it's important to realize, that they are distractions and serve no relevance as all disorders with ADD are almost always CO-MORBID. Meaning if you treat the core of the disorder, you treat the other disorders by extension. That is ALL.

                       P.S I'm writing this in chronic boredom

 

                              /TLDR Boredom, Anhedonia, inconsistency, priortiizations, lack of concentration neurotypical privilege, inaiblity to sustain ones focus over a period of time etc.

[MichaelFocus22]

          11/2/2019

                            

                             1.     It's been a bit sense I've updated this thread, I thought I would share some observations of both conditional states from medication to unmedicated states. I've recently acquired a fairly high paying job but unfortunately, I'm at a loss of what I should do anymore? Theoretically, I've solved my money problems under the assumption, that I hold it down?  Focalin XR has disappointed me today, because all I had was a minor increased heart-rate and minimal emotional blunting which was kind of nice, but my abilities or cognition seemed to be slowed again which is really fucking annoying. It seems to me, that it's impossible to have it both ways. In one respect, the focalin seemed to be smoother but I still felt cognitively slow and the focus was laughable at best from an academic perspective. I barely read one chapter in 2 hours which was absurd, when in my own raw cognitive state I read a whopping 3 chapters unmedicated while still being chronically bored. My raw unmedicated abilities seem to be superior for some reason. Ofcourse, I've know this for quite some-time.. In other news, I just don't really know what I want anymore? I will give focalin XR more time and see if it clarifies itself perhaps? It's fairly unlikely that this will happen but I will give it more time, sense I've only had it for one day so it's too premature soo far. Overall, it felt a bit smoother but I found it rather hard to make those fluid thinking connections, that are very important towards being able to logically think and problem solve.

 

                        2. I've only 2 final plans and that is it. There is nothing else and it's very possible things may just not getting any better for the simple fact that new treatments simply do not exist,  that address all aspects of ADHD-PI. In principle my new job can pay for any theoretical fuck up, so long as I can gurantee an income but as far as I can tell, I don't know of any viable strategy that can gurantee me this income. Is this good or bad? I really don't know anymore. On focalin XR, it has increased my paranoia which is very fucking annoying, so I may just not take it if such trends continu.e. Other-wise, I don't know anymore. Two plans exist, the focalin XR smoothens out and I GET EVERYTHING or I can hold down my job as diesel mechanic, which I've been stupidly intentional with. Lest,  if you have come this far in this journey. Then I will you the best, because once you get to this point nothing will make you improve any further, from everything that I've tested. I will update this to report more results, unfortunately life will not let us have it both ways. You don't get to NEUROTYPICAL and be medicated and feeling emotions. Your either consistent zombie or a likeable inconsistent unreliable loser. Quite an interesting problem? The only other solution is simply generate so much income, that we can counter-act the effects of ADHD-PI and I'm liking this strategy the best. All we can do now, is wait for modern medicine to speed up it's understanding of ADHD-PI. Other than, that all I can simply say and is we must continue to grind irrespective of it's futility?

 

                                            /TLDR Very confusing times still, what to do what to do,? Decisions, ? Focalin XR?

[MichaelFocus22]

11/26/2019:

 

                                              UPDATE:

 

                                        1. It's been a very long time sense, I've done an update, sense I'm struggling on focusing to study for an exam tommorow, I decided that I would write this up, sense I'm so scattered right now. Everything in my life is drastically better, so far I've been medicating as little as one time per week and overall, my work performance at my new career in Diesel Mechanics, has been going fairly well. When I'm able to actually focus on my job, I fucking kill it with mechanic work and am very competent when I get into a good flow. I'm making aroudn 16$ dollars an hour I just need more consistent hours and I should eventually be able to pay off my student loans, if I can hold onto this position. Overall, I've attended all of my shifts largely with no excuses except for today but only missed because of my mistake. Otherwise, I've been doing from what I can tell is fairly well. I've taken a new approach and CUT OUT 95% of all sugar out of my diet and will eventually go to 99% and adopted meditation again to see if it could help manage the executive deficits accordingly.  I'm still having panic attacks, because I've never managed to hold a position so long, so I get panic attacks from my boss calling me for no reason at all, when he is simply talking to me. Anything that is good seems to terrify me? From what I can tell,Sugar seems to have some type of connection towards anxiety attacks and my anxiety appears to be the more debilitating aspect to my performance on the job than my own capacities on the job. This was the one consistent trend, that I can remember from all of my jobs, I was eating a crazy amount of sugar and food, which made me lethargic and incompetent. I've been somewhat successful, and my anxiety has tapered yet I still get panic attacks because I'm terrified of something going wrong? It appears that the damage done psychologically done to me seems to be reflexive in some respects, I've really no idea at this best.

 

                                    2. My proposal, if I manage to hold my position with NO issues then I can finally execute my plan,  Where I will execute an artificial scaffold-structure to off-set the damages of ADHD. It's unclear to me if my monetary plan will work or not but I still do not even have even CLOSE to enough income to know for sure, if it's possible. I'm still working with barely poverty level income, so it feels like an incredibly difficult task but I will do it regardless. I suggest, for those that Have generalized Anxiety Disorder(GAD) to figure out what is triggering your anxiety and see if you can control it accordingly.  As of right now, It seems I've no way to calm myself down and to up-regulate my anxiety other than to simply wait it out because it's incredibly fucking frustrating to watch to say the least.   I feel like I'm being held hostage from my glory and my potential from fears that don't exist. My job is great, my pay is good and I have EVERYTHING I need yet I still feel terror. Irrespective, of this I will put my best foot forward to gurantee that this is the last position for myself. I'm absolutley opposed to using the medication ONLY UNLESS I absolutely have to use it. So, perhaps check your other periphery disorders and this might help to some extent.. I've really nothing to add within the context, of unique insights, simply because I've still not yet broken my artificial barriers. 

                                 3. From my point of view, I'm absolutely opposed to disclosing my disorder towards my boss, simply because the last group of people I've disclosed it to, treated me differently and actually gave me their pathetic fucking pity.  I do not have any desire for pity and will earn my money through my hard-work effort or NOT AT ALL. I'm not negotiating this and have no desire for handouts. Don't use your ADD as a fucking excuse to be a poor ass losers. Despite,my cognition I go to work everyday and DO school and RUN  a business despite my chronic fatigue. I view my medication as a crutch, that I would like to get rid of. I've still not found any new medicinal treatments coming, so the only proposal seems to generate so much income that we can negate the fuck ups of ADHD-PI.   If I am SUCCESSFUL, then I will be so successful, that I will be unstoppable, then if I'm not then it doesn't matter.  Anxiety, is more debilitating than I gave it credit for and it effects the way people perceive you.  I've only recently become cognitzant of this primarily because I normally ignore it the majority of the time dismissing anxiety as something for the weak but it seems that I've been copying poorly, so I will continue exploring other means to control these thoughts in an effective healthy manner, than a destructive manner like I always DO.

 

                              Conclusion: What I've begun to realize, that forgetfulness is FIXABLE, inconsistency is FIXABLE, lack of attention is fixable WHAT is NOT fixable is anxiety that makes you perceive people as your enemies when they are not your enemies. It seems I assume everyone is my enemy on some subconcious level? I've really no idea to say least..It could simply because from lack of attachment of your parent at birth can affect your socialization with other people. Their have been many studies that show if you had little love as a child you will have a poor capacity to express and forms sustainable relationships into adulthood? Is it environmental epigenetic damage? Is it fixable? I don't fucking know anymore but I will not let this get in the way of my plans. Let us hope new treatments for ADD-PI are invented, so that we can quit living as third-class citizens in comparison to other privileged neurotypicals. That is all.

 

                                   /TLDR  ANXIETY, GAD, JOB-4 WEEK TO THE 5TH WEEK, CONSISTENCY OR NO CONSISTENCY? HOW DO WE MANAGE THIS? Inability to trust other people:

[MichaelFocus22]

1. 12-5-2019:  

 

                                1.   As of right now, I've sense reached my limits within the given respects of any new insights. I'm still having some type of interpersonal issues with my Landlady STILL, even after cutting out all sugar and  exercising nothing appears to be working. Even educating neurotypicals seems to do nothing, so I'm at a loss for words. Off medication, obviously it becomes progressively difficult to keep consistency and continually update thread posts etc.  Anyways, I am now going to be opening up this thread  to personal discussions of other peoples experiences. I would like to gather as much data on ADD-PI as possible to see if their is anything else or a different perspective, perhaps that wasn't accounted for. From, what I can gather I have some type of dsyfunctional thought process with intense apathy that seems to be impairing me with my social friends,that I'm somehow not aware off , it seems anxiety based and panic attacks are rampant lately.  I've nothing else useful to contribute anymore. I believe I've officially plateaued with all ADD literature and new breakthroughs are nill at this point.

 

                            2. Please, post your own personal stories, below and share what has and has not worked for you. You need to have ADHD-PI(Primarily inattentive), so we have a relevant list of experiences to call upon.  

 

                         /TLDR Share your own ADD-PI personal story and what has and has not worked for you:

Edited by MichaelFocus22, 06 December 2019 - 06:07 AM.

[MichaelFocus22]

12/22/2019:  1. Again, if you've found this thread useful then share your own ADHD experiences below and share what did or did not work for you. I'm assuming this thread has some sort of value, sense it's the most comprehensive thread on ADD-PI and disorder, that you will find. I would like to see some stories posted within the coming days.  

[LazyDave]

This thread is absolutely useful, please don't close it Michael. People will make some more posts in 2020. I'm only using Zoloft for GAD & OCD, not sure if it is really helpful. I have Dexamphetamine for ADHD, which is somewhat useful and planning on giving Strattera another try in the beginning of 2020. Have you had experience with Strattera, Michael? I have both on and off medication quit a scattered brain and even improvements in executive functioning are hard to test. Brainfog too. Not sure what to do about it. If I have more experience with the medication I will post it.

Edited by LazyDave, 27 December 2019 - 07:08 PM.

[MichaelFocus22]

This thread is absolutely useful, please don't close it Michael. People will make some more posts in 2020. I'm only using Zoloft for GAD & OCD, not sure if it is really helpful. I have Dexamphetamine for ADHD, which is somewhat useful and planning on giving Strattera another try in the beginning of 2020. Have you had experience with Strattera, Michael? I have both on and off medication quit a scattered brain and even improvements in executive functioning are hard to test. Brainfog too. Not sure what to do about it. If I have more experience with the medication I will post it.

 

 

1. There was no mention of ever stop updating this thread, I simply haven't had any or anything meaningful to contribute to the ADD-PI conversation. I will continue updating this thread from my own personal experiences, I simply had a bit of a block with new insights, primarily because the ADD-PI literature has stagnated and I've already tested over 100 permutations of treating the condition.  That's not even a exaggeration either. Post your experiences, so that we make this thread more than one-dimensional, it's unclear as of right now, AS to WHY ADD-PI is so fucking hard to treat. I'm still as exhausted, tired, lethargic as before despite all of my understanding. I've no intention of closing this thread, this is a part of my lifes work to helping us all achieve optimal achievement  and functioning such that we can live to are best-selves.  What is most useful, is for you to post your experiences with ADD-PI, such that, we can find patterns, that may give me more useful insights, into  further exploring the neuro-biological nature of ADHD-PI. 

 

             I will have a new post up in a day or so on new insights, I've built over the last few months of December. 

 

 

                          /TLDR The thread posts will continue to be updated accordingly, such that we should find the optimal solution to ADD-PI to live are best lives.

Edited by MichaelFocus22, 27 December 2019 - 08:33 PM.

[MichaelFocus22]

12/28/2019

 

                                1. As promised, I will deliver an updated insight post, but I would like to see  other people share their experiences, such that we can isolate patterns and characteristics, that I've might of missed.  Feel free to post your own thoughts, this isn't an "only me thread" anymore, because like I said the insights I will give are paltry at best.  Most days, I have bad headaches and everything hurts a lot more lately, aches everywhere and my body feels like an automata just pushing forward. I understand now, that medicine or concerta more specifically distorts, your  personality characteristics which you can easily see in my earlier posts. To Answer your question, Lazy-Dave,  I've not taken either straterra, but I've taken Dex before and didn't like it because of the horrible withdrawal I got from it. Anyways,  I searched this ENTIRE forum, top to bottom for anything remotely useful and their are only minor anecdotal posts of some people with ADD-PI seeming to find norotropic stacks, that they managed to achieve superior functioning apparently.  Most of these threads, are fairly useless, because their inconsistent and the time-frames are were simply too short. The answer must be long-term, sustainable and consistent for ADD-PI individuals.  In other respects, what is really new here within the ADD-PI context? Like I said, I've only managed to find a few more nuances that seem to help somewhat but not really.  So let us begin....I type these words in much pain..

 

                              2. I've read a few studies which seemed to demonstrate that Ritalin stays within your blood-stream for up two 96 hours, 3-4 days at a time. This means from a therapeutic level, your body is purging the ritalin(Stimulant) from your body at increasingly minimalistic rates, such that, it doesn't damage your body than if it was to piss out the medication instantly. Why does this matter? Well, I've found that taking 10mg once every 4 days appears to be superior than once a day. Why? It seems as if, the medication once it wears off, has some-type of peripheral stimulation that allows me to keep consistency in habits and propel myself forward. This remnant stimulation or left-over ritalin may still have therapeutic properties, despite being well below the DSM therapeutic dose. I suspect, it might be 10 micro-grams circulating through the body, but it might explain why I still feel "different" and less impulsive the next following 3 days after the first stimulant usage.  In this sense, it might explain why we can keep consistency in habits and routines for months precisely, because the ritalin didn't really go away, the therapeutic effect as activated  but the micro-doses are circulating through the body must some-how affect cognition. This is all pure speculation at this point, but I have the capacity to keep consistency and some sustain after the initial therapeutic dose after 3 days and then I fall back into this cycle of rumination, addiction and degenerative self-destruction, apathy, and boredom that we are all so familiar with. It's possible, that doses way below the lowest dose of Ritalin may  be the therapeutic dose and baseline stimulation should be measured through blood-tests. In other-words, in order to keep yourself in check you need to always have a little Ritalin in your blood at all times. I've no idea what the biological mechanisms are behind this and I could be wrong but, it's a possibility.

 

                               3. Stimulants, also affect fluid-thinking at work. At work, I can work for what seems like longer hours without tiring but I seem to have impaired critical thinking skills, it seems to worsen critical thinking skills rather than improve critical thinking skills. Fluid thinking, is the capacity to manipulate pieces of information and to arrange them in novel ways to create a productive solution that leads to a potential monetary reward. At ritalin/concerta, I was worse on doing trivial mechanical tasks, because it requires problem solving and problem-solving is impaired when you take medication somehow. Thus, inversely medication makes you less open to new potential information while simultaneously making you more tunnel visioned to existing information. I wasn't stringing together my ratchet, my screw-driver, wrench, torque-gun, ball-peen hammer  and other tools that could have made the job simpler. On medication my jobs would take me triple the effort and I wasn't capable of solving simple mechanical tasks which leads to getting paid. As a result, I would stare at the tools and just attempt to "brute-force it" but brute-forcing damages the  bolts and rounds them off which I was doing at an increasingly high-rate. Off medication I easily finished in a quarter of the time and could easily solve-multiple mechanical problems without having bring excess tools and their was no "tunnel-visioning on the information", mechanics requires big-picture thinking rather than the reverse.   In other words, ritalin  is not a cognitive enhancer when it comes to problem solving and problem solving is required at certain jobs, so be mindful of this. Every-time my boss could easily solve a novel problem with a machine, that a day after I was able to do with ease as well. This, re-frames stimulants as only useful within the context, of maintaining structures, keeping consistency and  regulating impulses. For ADD-PI, it's not good for academic work or at least in select areas that require fluid thinking. 

 

                               4.  Stimulants give a fixed-stimulation threshold. What do I mean by this? It's very simple, your medication doesn't have a dial for how you are stimulated which means that the medication are only good for a subsect amount of tasks and are not good for everything else. An activity, that requires a 2 stimulation level, should not be approached with a 10 stimulation or your performance will suffer. I quickly experienced this many times, from writing essays to working, I wasn't  able to modulate the stimulation because the medication has no dial. Therefore, stimulants are inferior to what neurotypicals have because they can dial their stimulation-intensity or in other words more effectively control their performance.  Stimulation level is directly proportional to the optimal performance level.  Since, we are not able to modulate from a 3 to 5 to 7 but are stuck at 10 on every activity then we will fail to achieve that performance. In other-words, it's impossible to  control your performance with a person with ADD-PI because the medication has no dial for stimulation while a neurotypical does.  Medication is good for deadlifting because it requires a 10 on stimulation while, reading requires a 3 and the activity eventually becomes a liability. Thus, their are definite tread-offs when you take the medication and you need to consume it with intentionality or you could do more harm than good. In other words, medication is not like glasses because the brain is not self-modulating the new dopamine excess but is purging it like a toxin.  While glasses, re-direct the distorted light through the corenea which eventually re-processes the light to the optimal image. Thus, the two analogies are not comparable at all.  Stimulants have definite side-effects and potentials pros' if you know how to use it. Lest, you could find yourself than a worse position than you were before if you are not so careful. 

 

                                Conclusion: Nothing has really changed, because their simply isn't an effective answer, to really address all of the complexities of ADD-PI. Their are so many things going on it's difficult to really understand how to totally correct it consistently and most importantly, permanently.  I'm still going broke, I still take net-losses every month, I'm still getting evicted, I'm about to break my record for staying in one place at 2 months, I'm still single and I still have very few prospects.  So everything is going pretty awfully, in my view until, something intrinsic changes in either legislative terms or medicinal terms.  I must say it will have to be a profound  change of epic proportions to really address all of are neuro-cognitive deficits. Since, I'm not optimistic about the medicinal view, I'm looking for ways, to find permanent job security, primarily through a Union or government position to where I can never get fired. Most of my problems stem from always having a lack of money, Perhaps, this may remedy the problem? I really, don't know anymore.  In my view, there are only 2 options, 1 in which we are given Long-term consistent income, that can negate the fuck-ups of ADD-PI which I'm investigating into or a medicinal treatment, that  can treat ADD-PI, sustain-ably, consistently, with low side-effects, long-term, while giving social context,  and not impairing fluid thinking. If this was invented, I doubt  they would tell us about it because it would truly be the E=MC^2 OF medication treatments.  I'm skeptical of the latter and looking to the former.

 

 

                      /TLDR FLUID-THINKING, Medication stays in the blood for 3-4 days at a given time,  consistent income, still going broke, nothing changed in social context, Thresh-hold stimulation's levels related to performance level.

Edited by MichaelFocus22, 28 December 2019 - 07:03 PM.

[MichaelFocus22]

1-29-2020

 

                1. It's been a little awhlie, sense I've updated this, so I thought we will continue with new insights that I've might of gained. I've sense discontinued my sexual transmutation thread, so do not expect anymore updates from that post unless, it's absolutely necessary but it's unlikely their will be anything of consequence, sense most people are too soft. Anyways, So what is new as of late and what is going on lately? Well, I'm currently getting evicted again right now, so I'm going to be moving into another place within the coming days, so that should be fairly stressful and I'm really not looking forward to it at all. I'm still technically at my job as diesel mechanic, so I guess I technically broke my record for employment but the work has been inconsistent at this point, so I really don't count this.. Overall, I've still largely have the same problems, I still lose things constantly, still forgetful, my cognitive performance is still consistently inconsistent which is a trade-mark sign of ADHD, it seems sometimes I can perform very well and other times I'm off the mark, so I'm still working on this.  I'm currently, still taking that same net-loss in income, that I've been taking for basically the past 2 and half years straight and I'm about done with it at this point. In other-words, I will be seeing if I can just simply work full-time because I'm sick of being broke and if this doesn't stop I will eventually go broke no matter what I do.  So I've sense taken steps, to stop this from happening, sense I sure as fucking hell don't want to be broke because that would be worse than death for me at this point. My reccomendation  for those with ADHD-PI who have similar life circumstance like me such as, being a general loser, not making any money to do anything of consequence, constantly loosing things,  no girlfriend, slow to finish degree and overall your life is just a fucking piece of shit compared to your neurotypical counter-parts, I reccomend preparing a DSI lawyer as worst case scenario back up plan. You should be aware that you won't be able to work during that time, which is fucking stupid as shit, because you would basically starve but you must be able to prove your disability condition to the SSI. You will get paid GURANTEED 700$ A month NO matter what and this is chump change but at least it's GURANTEED and you will at least be able to live a some-what respectable life on the welfare state. I do not endorse abusing socialism but it's what is keeping my alive at this point otherwise I'd be no different than those bums on the street through no fault of my own. Keep in mind that this is a viable option but it will be a horrible life but it's better than nothing. Just want to put that out their as an option for those in the most extreme forms of poverty.  I can easily live off 700 a month...without much of a problem.

 

                          The next thing, I want to endorse for those with ADHD-PI, is that CAPITALISM doesn't SUPPORT YOU AT ALL. Think about it , How can a Person like myself be on the edge of poverty despite being disgustingly high functioning and searching for work but simply not breaking even on expenses. It's not about hard-work, it's about the fact that you aren't able to control your point of performance or focus in the same way that a neurotypical can  in a reliable, consistent and efficient manner, that should award you with monetary benefits. Capitalism awards those through meritocracy for those that can CONTROL their performance and those that can be regularly dependable and show up day in and day out. In other-words, your benefit must be seen as intrinsic as a human being rather than through your performance, otherwise capitalism is discriminatory to those with disabilities precisely because a business owner always prioritizes productivity and efficiency and we are all the opposite of this. Does this mean we should be forced to live in destitute poverty simply because we are born with something outside of our control? Absolutely not, if anything we should be entitled with at least the same obligatory opportunity to attain a similar standard of living but this can only come socialist means. I do not endorse all the means of socialism but only within the sense it's useful to us. The reason why I bring up Political ideology here, is because according to my calculations, it's increasingly unlikely that superior treatments will appear within a said reasonable time-frame that will allow us to equalize the point of performance playing field with respects to neurotypicals. Their simply aren't enough people interested in real fucking solutions and their isn't sufficient understanding to actually mobilize a real effort towards effectively treating ADHD in an efficient low-side effect manner. Therefore, the only other answer within a reasonable time-frame could be expected to come through legislative means, that accounts for these nuances of conditions and at a minimum could afford us some realistic changes. I hope you keep this in mind, because this advocacy might be the only way to live through are highest potential. Copying mechanisms simply aren't enough to make up the deficits we have and they will never be enough according to my observations. So keep this in mind as, you continue to seek your own singular  answer, medicinal treatments are between 5-25 years depending upon on how fast CRISPR-CAS9 develops ideally sooner rather than later. Socialism appears to be more ideal for those with ADHD-PI because it has a metric of value that values the conditionality of your own intrinsic worth rather than that of capitalism. I don't typically endorse socialism, but it's what has allowed me to come this far otherwise, I would be broke. Thus, it's important to realize that capitalism doesn't really serve your own purpose because your own capacity to have meritocracy is impaired precisely because of are impairment at point of performance. This has been a new observation, that the more social programs we have the greater the capacity for independence rather than the reverse.

 

                                             Within the respects of functioning have I discovered anything innovative or new? Not really, I've tried using different doses of the medication but it simply isn't working the way I need it to work to do what it is I want to do.  The only thing, I can add is that pomodoro timers and having fixed commitments helps "structure the boredom" or at least gives us some sense or order that allows us to function to greater level than we otherwise would. On verge, you can expect to waste excess copious amounts of time the lesser amount of structure that you have, thus it's ideal to be over-committed than under-committed because this will not give you time to fuck up. So I typically have a fixed number of hours blocked off, say every sunday I always go to church and it gives me a sense of order and expectation, every thursday I might go to a committee meeting and this gives us a "theme of the day" or allows us to build are days of producitivity around these organized social conventions which have proven to preventing us from wasting are more valueable asset which is time.  In general, the busier that you are the greater your stimulation levels and the greater your capacity to attend to the world around you rather than the reverse case, thus your goal for the rest of your life should be to be busy as possible as this seems to be the only reliable means by which I can reliably raise arousal state, such that I don't feel constant anehdonia or lack of pleasure from the environment around me.

 

                      Lower your expectations, as ironic as this sounds coming from a person who is stupidly ambitious as I've gotten older, I've become more realistic. I'm going to be honest with you and kill most if not all of your dreams. You probably won't achieve your dreams, sorry but experience is a more reliable predictor of the world than naive blindlessness that I used to have. You will have to pay bills for the majority of your life and there is really nothing that you can do about it unless you manage to generate passive income streams, which is EXTERMELY hard to actually make in any realistic capacity or form. Your expectations and goals have been brainwashed into you as neurotypical expectations of what your life ought to be and should be rather than an ADHD-PI version. This is why you keep failing because you keep attacking your vision and problems from a neurotypical stand-point rather than an ADHD-PI stand-point. If you manage to sustainably pay bills, have a girlfriend, keep a solid career and do a solid savings account and have a few hobbies you enjoy and you achieve some minor fame then this is a worthy life in my view. This is a great achievement in itself, you can ignore my advice that's fine. Life will humble you one way or another. 

 

                                   Stop trying to out-work your brain, or work the ADHD-PI OUT of you. It's impossible, just fucking stop.  No amount of energy, effort, perspective, practice, change in thinking, copy-mechanisms, strategies, therapy, psychotropic therapies, noorotropic, will change or make sustainable change of your permanent behavioral deficits. It's simply not going to happen. You might win for a week if your lucky, maybe 2 weeks but you will eventually have a rebound effect from your brain and you will find yourself in these conditional binges of instant-graitification. The point is simple, STOP Brute-forcing everything, it's pointless.  Rather, work with your energy levels, when your tired, rest, when you can focus, focus, when you don't want to do anymore work, then don't do anymore work. The more your force things the greater the probability that you get will attention-fatigue over-time. If you get attention fatigue, then your capacity to upregulate these  permanent behavioral dsyfunctions will arise and do more damage during these processes.  I've found that, I get much more done, than brute-forcing on the basis of principle. This means, you need to SELECTIVELY FINISH Things rather than FINISHING EVERYTHING, it's ok to not finish everything, your not neurotypical so quit holding yourself to neurotypical expectations, it's fucking pointless. Does a Dog expect to be a cat? No, he would be a fucking crappy cat, so stop with that. Finally, understand  that you will never ever ever ever be neurotypical ever in this life, no matter the effort, the energy, your education level, your sex, race, gender, the conversations you have, you will never ever be neurotypical ever, you will die with ADHD-Pi and you will be dead forever. Unless, new treatments are invented, which we are still waiting for, then this will hold true unfortunately. 

 

                                 Finally, Accept that it's not Your fault, that these things happended, it's not in your control even if you think it is.  Stop and accept that it's not your fault.  Finally, realize that as long as your giving it your all, that's all I can ASK OF YOU AND ALL YOU can ask of yourself.  Finally, as trivial as it sounds, SAY YOU DID A GOOD JOB. You DID A good motherfucking job, your playing life on hard MODE. 

 

                                                            /TLDR   New Observations, Socialism VS CAPITALISM,  Don't need to finish everything, CHANGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS ETC.

[MichaelFocus22]

2-6-2020

 

                             Here's an interesting studying, I'm reading and it's a very good outline of the more indepth effects of methyilpehnidate and dextroamphetamine, showing affects on the DAT receptors and more nuanced analysis from kids vs adults, This study is from 2011, so it's somewhat out of date but still useful

  https://www.academia...r?auto=download

[MichaelFocus22]

3-6-2020

                      1. I've finally had some-time to come to this thread and give you guys some updates as to what is going on as of late...I've finally managed to secure a place for myself temporarily, so I'm currently in downtown where everything is at which is fairly nice to say the least. I intend to stay for the next 5-6 months until I acquire my long-term subsidized apartment, where I will probably stay for a very long-time  As of late, I've been having an intense....brain fog, which is very uncommon for me, I've been unable to really think lately. It's weird it's almost like I'm present but I'm not present I don't have new ideas and nothing is happening it's like a total absolute void that is within me where nothing occurs, it seems to only happen when I'm in my room, I start coughing profusely and I get a bad runny nose, so it must be something in the room? I'm really not sure, this is part of the reason I haven't been really writing anything , in that I haven't really had anything to THINK about anything for the first-time in my life. My mind is blank and it's fucking pissing me off, I miss having my laser quicker thinking and my capacity to make associations, between many different ideas at the same time. Anyways, What is new as of late? Well, I've finally choosen to voluntarily to discontinue my medications because nothing was really within the respects, of me being able to sustainably manage both the social context, the point of performance and attaining the financial freedom that I so crave. So what happended? Well, it's obvious, I wasn't able to generate a truly substantial amount of income that would allow me to pull myself from the wings of poverty, at best my income ranged from a pathetic 300$ PER MONTH to it's highest at 800$ and again this is PER month and self-employed. I was incapable of building up repeat clients precisely because I was unable to build genuine social connections that would allow for me to build up a sustainable business such that I wouldn't need to work for anyone. So I inevitably, decided I will use it only as last, resort sense my quality of life really isn't that MUCH better or worse within the respects of quality of life or achievement. So what did I notice going off meds for the first time for over 45 days?

 

                     2. Things BECAME MUCH MUCH harder to finish and Consistency near Impossible:  What do I mean by this? Almost everything became much much more difficult in that it created greater amounts of activation energy to raise my arousal state to even complete a task, which I could just ordinarily power through without much of a problem. Brute-forcing things is always a concious process now and it has at least 3x times the amount of resistance to finish the same the task. Doing something every-day has become a burden and a chore rather than something that I'm obligated to do. My mastery modalities have become unsustable because I've been unable to keep "reinforcing the behavior throug" the compound effect, which has largely held true. In other-words, I knew this was going to happen and have basically just accepted it. Why you might ask? Why give up that wonderful consistency and the amazing capacity to finish things? It's simple really, I wasn't happy with where my life was going. I want to date women and actually have a respectable sex-life and concerta was  getting in the way of that by killing my personality and repelling girls rather than attracting one.  I'm 23 and I'm getting old, so I decided I will just make it work some-how.  Until, new drug treatments are evented all we can do is wait for new treatments, but expect going off medication to be VERY rough, you won't be able to replicate what you did before, even if you try very hard. I will still use them as last-resort but I'd rather actually not be single for the rest my life. 

 

                 3.   Your much More impatient: My patience off medication is significantly worse, I have little patience for other people and I constantly want things RIGHT now, it makes my executive functions very limited within the capacity of achieving what I want or actually delaying-gratification for a goal. With concerta, I can easily go 500 days without porn without much of an issue or even playing a video game  ever again without it, these proclivities for entertainment return, so what do I mean. It means that concerta or adderall allows you to better self-regulate wasteful behaviors, so that you actually prioritize whats important to you. To put this in retrospect, my capacity for long-term planning at it's peak during my freshman year was 10 years into future, without my medication it's only maybe 1 month if I'm lucky. I typically get very bored and will shift goals to over which makes it hard to really to stick to your original goal, that you were working on. The difference, is HUGE AND the it's difference between BUILDING something and other-wise staying PERPETUALLY entry level.

 

                  4. With medication, I have the capacity of connecting and compounding events from the past and connecting them into the future, for example, I can recall a data-base of my medicated experience all the way back from 2016 to early 2020 into a very linearisitc file-cabinet like fashion. After around march, this file cabinet falls apart and it becomes a jumbled mess of incoherence that has no meaning other than random experiences, that have no greater meaning other than the immediate moment filling up the present.. In other-words, everything becomes a blur on medication and the moments have no significant meaning.  It's a drastic change in perception and really shows, how much of a different we've been working with are entire lives we simply didn't realize it.

 

                5. Boredom: It's obvious but I get incredibly bored with everything and feel intense apathy very quickly for most-things. In other-words, your potential is artificially limited based upon how long you can sustainably  stimulate yourself in your given interest commitment modality field . Thus, are boredom level and boredom threshold is are artificial limit on how good we can get at anyone task precisely, because we lack the ability to stick with a task,  apply a task CONSISTENTLY and ofcourse finish what we start.

 

              6. FINISHING THINGS: It's obvious but finishing things and actually making anything meaningful progress in anything has become significantly more difficult. I have many things, that I would like to do but simply, haven't finished because of the inability to sustain the said interests. Thus, I've found that I have to more selectively choose what I finish, so I don't experience Attention Fatigue, which could further worsen your capacity to focus on a later task.

 

          Conclusion: I'd continue onward but this brain-fog is in my way right now and I will be seeing a doctor, to see if I suffered a stroke, had heavy metal posions or something else, because I've never experienced this problem only until I moved to my new place. Overall, has my greater understanding improved my earning power, social influence, capacity to date, have I built greater competence towards achieving my goals? Nope, Still broke, recently got ghosted on another job despite actually not doing anything perceptibly wrong  for once,  sex life is in the toliet, despite being free of most addictions at this point, I'm still broke and still continue to go broke, most of my efforts seem to be in vain at this point. I'm effectively invisible I would say within the respects of social prestige and charisma is noticeably diminished at this point. My grades are good I suppose and nothing has really gone wrong other than the fact, that I'm simply going broke due to simply not making anything, I intend to apply for disabilities soon if this continues, because I'm sick of thinking about my money problems and disability will actually pay me more than what I made in 3 months put together and that PAYCHECK will be guaranteed until the end of time. My degree, is ALMOST done  and then I can FINALLY see if I can actually hold down a job truly LONG term. All of my efforts have failed in that I have NEVER generated income longer than a few months which artificially limits what I can do. Other-wise, it's about the same, I'm a broke young man in his 20's with lots of knowlegde but an inability to APPLY it and have been chronically unemployed and am invisible within the respects of privileged neurotypical hierarchies. I think you can expect SOMETHING of this sort, if you have ADHD-PI and I am STUPIDLY high functioning and this is STILL happening. It seems almost inevitable, but irrespective of this the posts must continue and we must continue onward  for new long-term sustained treatments for ADHD-PI and keep experimenting even if it's futile.

 

                                     /tldr SMALL UPDATE: What is New? What are new observations Off medication ECT

 

 

 

[MichaelFocus22]

3/11/2020

 

 

                      1. Everyday, I feel I am getting closer to a long-term sustainable solution to ADHD-PI. I've been studying my brain for quite a long-time and it is a very interesting machine when it's working at it's best and at it's worst it's no better than monkey. It remains unclear to me whether this is an ADHD-PI problem or not, however I've noticed that my brain is VERY VERY SENSITIVE, in other-words at my absolute peak I am blazing so fast I have the mind of a millionaire, if I could JUST KEEP IT CONSISTENTLY like that, but like everything it's good to be true..What I've noticed? I've FINALLY been able to isolate why my ruminations HAPPEN, it almost always happens when their is a huge consumption of highly processed foods or sugars, even with reduction of sugars, I still have these strings of anxiety, or uncertainty that come through me and can last hours even despite, timing my meals. I'm going to STAY with 2 meals a day and NOT deviate and give it more time, so that I can make a proper judgment. At the same-time, it's absolutely annoying because one day I can be fucking charismatic and commanding like the true self that I KNOW I can be into this invisible brain fog that steals, my ambition and desires.... BEYOND  areasonable doubt, something ABOUT food and eating vast quantity of calories promotes low impulse control, poor concentration, inability to critically think and much more. This is very serious if you are NOT watching this. During the time I lost my many jobs I was eating like a fucking slob and eating WHATEVER I wanted. I had RUMINATIONS that lasted 5 hours at a time, I was foggy, I was angry and irritable and I could NOT stop it. Once it starts, their is no way to stop it. It's if my brain is punishing me for my bad food consumption..I feel even paranoid which could explain my paranoia's, when I'm fasting I feel fucking amazing... The only that is comparable is semen retention for 100 days...It's amazing my mind is so clean, I can organize, I can THINK, I can work and I can focus and my mind is verbos like no ones level, I get complimented about my amazing cognition apparently. I can out think neurotypicals with ease... It's rather depressing at times, because I want to HOLD onto my best self ALL THE TIME, but my brain won't let me.. It keeps contradicting me..When I want to BULK, it rebels with axiiety, rumination, distrust and paranoia, I've no idea why. I know it's illogical but I still feel it...The feelings are so real it's strange.  When I did PUA with some girls, and I got one number I was in fucking jubiliation it was amazing and I knew that I could actually achieve my sexual fantasties then the next day it's as if all my progress is gone in this abyss of uncertainty.. It could be a food allergen, it could some-how be consistent chemical that is laced in all the foods, that AMERICA produces, it could be in the water. I don't know what t is exactly, but it's something either environmental or neuro-genetic that is causing these inconsistency's of cognition. It also doesn't happen to neurotypicals, they seem to be able to stuff their faces like pigs, without much of a perceptible effect on their thought process. 

 

                              2.   IN another instance, I've started to cough like crazy recently again and I didn't feel like myself. I felt off...I felt missing.. I felt detatched and I could not THINK.  AT ALL. Nothing was coming to me. It was an active process rather than what I typically know of my brain. It could be california, it could be something and I intend to get the bottom of it because you and I WILL NOT be denied are best cognitive selves simply because of some nonsense. I'm heavily dissappointed at the lack of resilience of my brain in performing through a variety of performance curves, but one thing remains true and my point of performance is chronically inconsistent and I'm not ABLE to control it exactly as Dr.Russel Barkley has predicted.  I encourage, those who seem to have these weird triggers and don't know what's causing it to LOOK at everything you are doing, are you sleeping on time? Are you angry? Did you eat well? Did you sleep good? Their is no such thing as a coincidence only a potential every cognitive state has a cause, we simply just have to locate it.. I am getting much much closer, to a sustainable and this I'm confident off...It's just a matter of how, do we attain are goals with ADHD-PI when are executive brain refuses to perform? Can it be fixed? Is it all nutrition? I'm significantly more confident with my relationships with women and I'm drastically working on improving many areas of my life, that I've simply tried to ignore but can no longer ignore because of my age. I encourage you to look into your diet and post your responses. 

                     Is your brain super sensitive to glucose spikes? How are you bulking? When do you notice RSD rumination cycles? Is it easier to control impulsivity when your fasting? Does your fasting help with your ADHD? When is your brain at it's peak? Feel free to respond.

 

 

                /TLDR FOOD seems to have a significant effect on the brain, brain fog, inability to think, poor impulse control, chronic forgetfulness, inability to make complex-divergent thinking associations, etc INCONSISTENCY COGNITIVE.

[MichaelFocus22]

TBD New-Post will be Coming Out Soon:

[MichaelFocus22]

1. 04-20-2020:  So I've finally found time to keep up some consistency, if you will... As you can see as I predicted the longer you go off medication the harder it becomes to sustain these behaviors across time, I suspect their will be a time where the effort to keep consciously sustaining these behaviors will cease. Eventually, I may take only a few doses of ritalin per month  to keep reinforcing these habits.  Otherwise, how has everything been going as of late? Well, my life is technically better than it was on medication drastically I might add. I pulled a 3.9 gpa I was able to make a few friends and I finally was able to start working on my lackluster dating life and have been working on approaching women, which on medication would have been unheard of for me, because of the medication paradox and the zombie effect.  What have I noticed over these couple of months? Going off ritalin wasn't really hard for me but it's tempting to go back on so I can get my workout pump from ritalin like I before. What is the difference in the personality of my stimulant self to my non-stimulant self? Well, I believe that stimulants seem to somehow distort your personality in ways that you will not be aware off even if your on medication. It makes you more cruel, capricious, angry, depressed, and just generally unlikable from my observations, this is probably the apparent unpleasantness I've heard from many privileged neurotypicals. My ability to laugh as returned, I enjoy my life more and everything is ok but their is always the possibility of destruction should I ever slip into the cycle. then I'd simply go back on drugs temporarily, so I'm never really in danger if you will.

 

2. Will I go back on ritalin? Probably not, it simply isnt worth the cost. Even when I was on it, I wasn't even making close to enough money to justify it. I had no friends and everyone was always fighting me, neighbors who I did yard-work for eventually assassinated my caretaker privileged neurotypicals, I might add and eventually made it so that I would never work again, despite the fact, that I never did anything wrong.  My reputation was irreversibly destroyed and their was nothing I could do to stop simply because I was unable to dictate the social context of the situation meaning that I never got enough repeat clients, my point of performance was never really that obvious. In other-words, I did not see a point of performance increase that barkley often discusses in many of his lectures. Therefore, if I was not getting any benefits on the jobs, then I was loosing both social context, point of performance and ability to critically think. Many of times over, I kept saying that stimulants do NOT, improve your writing abilities and This prediction I made was also true. My ability to write on stimulants was so inferior, that my professors were shocked between my unmedicated stimulant written essays and my old essays, they claimed that it had been written by two different people apparently. On my mechanic job, I quickly discovered that my plan to convert monetary income into long-term job security, failed precisely due to the fact that I was unable to  use fluid thinking on the job to solve complex creative problems, often leading my boss to think of me as a very focused but incompetent robot.  It's hard to explain but I simply couldn't reason, on the job I couldn't "think" it was if my brain had been lobotomized and all my ideas of anything had ceased and their was only the evident moment, I could do what I was told, but I could self-guide myself to address a complex problem, it was if I was avoiding the problem despite knowing how to do it intellectually, I did not know how to do it. It's hard to explain but this was the final straw for ritalin if you will. My ambition has dropped because I've been unable to sustain my behaviors and therefore any big-plans seem impossible at this point because of my exact problem of being consistently inconsistent as I once again predicted...  So I was loosing, social context, ability to critically think, lost the ability to laugh, inability to enjoy life, couldn't no longer enjoy a conversation, had my personality distorted into a shadow of who I was and my dating life probably would had been remained that of an incel had I not stepped in. What else is their to say? 

 

3.  What have I lost? Well, Time no longer has any continuity anymore, February-April had no real continuity or any meaning of any singular focused purpose, each day was simply another day with a set or tasks, that I finished and that was it. Their was no logic, no past, no present data-base of information that I could reflect back to like I could with my stimulant data-base. My ability to persevere to a long-term result has also drastically diminished as I have anticipated as well. I am no longer able to sustain my work-outs anymore, I've went from 60 minute workouts to 10 minute workouts and even then I get tired.  I am no longer able to sustain these behaviors across time and my capacity to self-regulate and keep addictions in check is drastically harder to do. Porn addiction is something I was able to kick without drugs but I thank my drugs because without it I don't know if I would have known that it was even possible to live a sober life free of most if not all my addictions. I am no longer, able to be consistent, this is the single most prized ability that I loved about my drugs, now I am consistently inconsistent again despite trying to being consistent and their is not much I can do about it. You aren't able to "brute-force" your way to the ending point. I've started abusing capasin or hot-sauce which is basically me new medication that helps me with my underarousal or intense apathy that I get. I find a little bit of hot sauce goes a long way from preventing intense periods of boredom. My ability to focus is obviously scattered as fuck again.  In other-words, what I've lost is basically what allowed me to make a thread that is 2 years old without forgetting the importance of the thread, now off medication, their is no consistency, no purpose anymore it's simply a flow of days and time of existence and nothing more.  So, was medication worth it? Of-course it was, despite  all the hate and spite I got on the forum, I was always right and I remain right even if I don't have my drugs anymore.  Nothing has changed other than my inability to focus and my consistent inconsistencys in my behavioral patterns. The most frustrating aspect, is that I see "holes in my consistency", whereas on medication it was simply an automatic process I didn't have to think about. Without my drugs, I doubt I could have cultivated the vast depth rich knowledge I have about ADHD-PI and all that I've learned from this forum. Albeit, I've said some incredibly extreme things, but that was because of the medication distorting aspects of my true-self, similar to AYN rand if you will. I paid a heavy price in reputation lost, which is why in the end the stimulants simply weren't worth it. It wasn't worth not having friends, not having a girl-friend and being single forever, is something I reject in all forms. No amount, of splitting the drug, cutting it in half, having medication days on and off,  dieting or anything seemed to fix these negative effects.   If you take these stimulants you will pay a heavy price, as I did for the cost that I achieved. Ultimately, all achievements are pointless without friends and people to share it with. It's simply the truth. Even, if I was a jacked machine it didn't matter because I was all alone isolated by myself.  In the end, I'm happier even if I won't get the consistency back, hopefully I get a girlfriend soon and a nice paying job and I will continue to transition to the next stage of my new self. 

 

4.  For the future, what can you learn from myself? Well, your brain is a complex machine, that needs to be optimized and are brains respond to different stimuli different than others. My brain is incredibly sensitive to basically ANYTHING, it's like a fragile clock that can work amazingly well, in only a very unqiue set of circumstances, if I over-eat, take too much ritalin, drink coffee, eat like garbage don't sleep on time or do anything to anger my brain then it will cooperate with me at all.  Do I regret taking stimulants? No, I wish I toke them earlier and I might have been able to avert wasting years of my life and I might have been able to invent my concepts of ADHD much earlier and might have been able to help more people.  With my stimulants, I was able to single-handedly able to curve all my addictions, I was able to attain my dream-physique that off medication I could barely workout for one month before giving up, I was able to discipline myself and raise my self-awareness 100 fold, I was able to reinvent my identity and literally change who I was.  I was able to do things, that most people will never do, all thanks to a little drug. I am easily the most high functioning person, you will ever meet at least within the context of indepth knowledge, With ritalin I could finally stop hobby jumping and STICK with something for YEARS and do the behavior FOREVER and sustain it without being chronically tired, I was able to become a generalist-specialist and have single-highhandedly managed to separate myself as leading advocate for ADHD-PI.  Not, that I'm bragging but I'm simply saying that the difference in having dopamine and not having stimulant is the difference in me gaming 20 hours a day and the other where I'm trying everything in my power to better myself. The two worlds are night and day. Eventually, I saw the limits of stimulants and have now realized, that it's a start to an answer to ADHD-PI but it is not a complete answer, to what I'm searching for in my life. I'll probably be happy with a girlfriend, a comfy job and financial security, I feel I'm getting closer to this goal every-day whereas before, this was an impossibility due to aspects of antisocial aspects of ritalin.  I suspect, the next set of drugs invented will be superior to the barbaric ritalin, that may address the aspects of ADHD-PI without causing us to make such awful pros and cons. It's unclear what the remainder of the next year and half will tell. It's suprising that i'm 23 and4 months and I don't feel like I've really accomplished anything as of late. What I do know is I will dedicate the remainder of my life to this, until I find the answer I'm looking for. Remember, this thread was not possible without ritalin.

P.S 

  I will probably have a real content thread at some-point on new studies and biology of ADHD-PI if I get time, assuming that support for the thread shifts.

         

                                          /TLDR  Small-Update, Reflections

[LazyDave]

Thanks Michael, for you're latest update. I've read it all, agreed on everything. Hopefully, a life without medication is possible and liveable for ADHD folks. Actually, I (or we) don't have a choice, cause Strattera, Ritalin, dexamphetamine & sertraline wasn't that useful and/or sustainable after all. Dexamphetamine being the best though. Questions; are you familiar with Theta Burst TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) and can it be helpful for ADHD? Can (Russian) Nootropics like Semax/Bromantane be helpful? Take care.

[MichaelFocus22]

Thanks Michael, for you're latest update. I've read it all, agreed on everything. Hopefully, a life without medication is possible and liveable for ADHD folks. Actually, I (or we) don't have a choice, cause Strattera, Ritalin, dexamphetamine & sertraline wasn't that useful and/or sustainable after all. Dexamphetamine being the best though. Questions; are you familiar with Theta Burst TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) and can it be helpful for ADHD? Can (Russian) Nootropics like Semax/Bromantane be helpful? Take care.

1. I need to revise that post, it has many grammatical mistakes, it's a byproduct of bulking mass quantity of calories seems to make me make more writing errors for some reason.  Yes, I am familiar with TMS, their is some literature showing some benefits to TMS and ADHD-PI but I haven't reviewed any of it sense I've been busy finishing up schooling, I'll be doing full-time ADHD-PI work when I finish my degree, then we can dive right into the harder problems. I'm not familiar with Semax and Bromantane but all drugs, are subject to the Yerkes-Dodson Curve, that have any manipulative effects on the brain and arousal state.   I'm more optimistic for CRISPR-CAS9 and genetically burning out the ADHD-PI genes than a drug that can target the areas of the brain that are impaired. This drug would literally be the best drug ever invented, because it would require lesser side-effects while definite cognitive enhancements with relationship to focus/cognition and sustained attention. It's unclear to me how this would be achieved. Yes, the drugs aren't sustainable, if you want to live your best Life, if your a Low Responder Only. I am not a high responder other-wise, I'd be all for the drugs. I will be revising my post, so you can reread it if you'd like. It's almost embarassing...The only other promising thing I've found is fasting and optimizing my food schedule, but I still haven't had enough time to go through the literature. Only things that work: Drugs, Pomodoro timers, Fasting, Insane  Amounts of Exercise, I am no longer able to sustain these outputs without drugs, or executive scaff-folding. That's all that works that I'm aware off, For keeping consistency I have no answer for you. You won't be able to brute-force it or I'd have brute-forced my whole-life by now.

Edited by MichaelFocus22, 24 April 2020 - 11:56 PM.

[MichaelFocus22]

05-10-2020: 

 

               1. The quarter is going to be coming to an end soon and it seems my college graduation will be coming at some point, just one more year of studying and then I'm not really sure what I'm going to do next.. So it's been about 103 days off ritalin so far and the adaption hasn't been too horrible. Life is ok I guess.I think it's time I've gone into some of the deeper meat of ADHD-PI sense most of my time has been consumed with studying and boredom or monotony. I've basically been heavily self-medicating with vast quantities of capasin or hot-sauce, which basically serves as an artificial stimulant that get's rid of much of my apathy and boredom if you will. I've been consuming hot sauce sense, I was a child and I'm fairly confident it has stimulant like properities, it seems to give me an increased clarity, a higher sense of thinking or thought process  and ability to think better etc. I have gone through 2 bottles per week, in order to get through the lack of stimulation or underarousal that I constantly suffer. So nothing has really changed within this cognitive state, I still suffer from poor self-control, as I've stated before time has no meaning anymore, the months have just blurred from march to may and it's shocking to think that their are only 7 months left in 2020...I feel that time is pushing aganist me and I'm in race aganist time to find a solution to ADHD-PI but it seems possible that it continually eludes me at this point. In other respects, my GPA is fine, I have an ok social life, I've made ok money for this month, but I attribute this mostly to luck, so my life is alright and I've managed to keep some consistency albeit it's still fairly artificial unfortunately. With ritlain, I can curb basically every single addictive tendency but at the end of the day, I'm looking to get a girl-friend so it's unlikely I'll ever go back on ritalin again, I have many life goals and progressions, that I'm making some progress in that were other-wise impossible before ritalin. The quarantine has been fairly hard on me with ADHD-PI, my apathy is intense somedays and next days I'm in euphoria, life feels meaningless the moment I have nothing to do and then I don't want to do anything. It seems I'm happiest when I'm ALWAYS doing something. When I have nothing to do I get very depressed. Thankfully, I've managed to keep my sobreity from porn addiction, which is also a bonus and I did without ritalin, but I feel the susceptibility to relapse is always their, so I'm always careful to watch for relapse. My mind still has these addictive tendencies unfortunately...  Life feels meaningless and I am in despair when I have nothing to do  but when i WORK my ass off I feel in pain but I feel amazing, I seem to be swinging between these two states again it seems.

 

              2.   I believe LAZYDAVE has brought up some good points about the condition, can we live an amazing life despite the fucking horrible apathy, inconsistency and lack of gratififcation deference mechanism needed to live a good life? It's hard to say really,  in some sense I am lucky because california has been subsidizing heavily my life, so I am not able to say I'm fully independent sense the state pays for alot of my expenses. Welfarism, seems to be particularly good for people with ADHD-PI because in some sense, a permanent subsidiy is nice for us, because we always have a social safety net in case anything goes wrong. In another sense, I am living a very comfortable life right now on arguably poverty wages  and could effectively sleep all day if I really wanted to. I'd argue that if you have a cognitive impairment, you should be entitled to a degree of welfarism and you should be able to work full-time without punishment as compensation for having a mental cognitive differnece. i highly doubt I could maintain my standard of living without the generious subsidies of california and the university I go to, even if I dislike 99% of what they do their programs have been very generious to me and allowed me to sustain a livelyhood that was impossible for me in idaho. In idaho i lost 20 pounds  and lost thousands of dollars in the process in a true free market system.  To a degree I am dependent on welfarism for my livelyhood and am relucant to go work on the market full-time to support myself, I work part-time when I choose to and make decent money, but if you are incapable of holding down a job like I've been unable to you, will be a perpetual contractor where you will work short-term project jobs and be paid for that days work. This seems to be the trend, I work for about a month or 2 if I'm lucky a few things go wrong, a rumination happens that tells me I'm going to lose my job, then I lose my job and then I reapply for another job and then the process repeats itself. Hence, my fear of going back into the work-force, I really really don't want to keep jumping jobs If I don't have to.  At the same-time, to answer daves question, can we live successfully? It's possible but without financial stability many of are milestones, such as buying a house, getting a car, having kids, paying off student loans and getting a college degree will be severely delayed simply due to the fact, that are income streams are consistently inconsistent. Ironic isn't it?   I confess I enjoy working for myself, it might be that I am destined to always work for myself  and this might be the most efficient path for people with ADHD-PI, since every-time I do the neurotypical job cog in the wheel path I Fail miserably and I generally hate the managers as well.  Undergraduate education is not really of concern, the biggest concern ADHD-PI people will be facing is trying to hit concrete metric goals in AN x time frame or achieving anything close to your potential. Off medication, I have not even come close to even pushing any remote aspects of my potential unfortunateltly, simply because My attention span is so awful. Thus, be warned once you get into the work force, your biggest issue will probably be amassing capital rather than getting a degree.. Typically my pattern, is I will work 3 or 4 jobs and then collapse in exhaustion and then do nothing for the rest for the day. This is known as attention-fatigue or over-use of your week top-down executive systems, makes it very hard to do anything else, once you have expended yourself.  So, expect to be renting a room for a very long, I don't even have close to enough money yet to put a down-payment  on a house yer I crave my own place.  In other respects, ADHD-PI makes it near impossible to climb any form of social hiearchy to any respectable degree it seems, I've long sense just stopped wasting my time with it and I am much more content it seems.  Thus, can you live a successful live with ADHD-PI? the answer is YES, but expect to work way way fucking harder to achieve a medicore result and then suffer total attention fatigue, unfortunately, their is not really much else I have to add. I will be having a more in depth post on some of my new findings for ADHD-PI about aspects 

of DIET

 

  I believe I am increasingly isolating other components of diet that seems to have a significant influential factor on cognition, as you will notice in some of my posts I seem to be making awful grammatical errors that I wouldn't make and then when i don't overeat my writing goes back to the way it was. It seems food, has some-type of influential component  on cognition and I intend to get to the bottom of the causes of anxiety and rumination cycles, as they can be equally if not more debilitating than the underlying ADHD-PI if not recognized and managed accordingly.

 

/TLDR Minor Update

[MichaelFocus22]

06-19-2020:

 

               1. This is a brief note: post sense it's been some-time sense I've been posting anything, as of late I intend to eventually seperate all of my content entirely from the forum sense, this forum has largely reached it's end for me at this point. For those, that still follow this post and my semen-retention posts, I believe these are important contents, of information because, they prove the problems of inhibition and delay gratification. While, these posts are intense, I meant every single thing that I said from start to finish. Thus, it's my conclusion, that  a new forum must be created that follows this forums template, but it must be more open and foster greater discussions that allows for extreme POV'S that needs to be based on a more fair discussion system, that does not unfairly neg people based on their post responses. I'd like it to be a place that is significantly more scientifically  rigorious than my anecdotal posts such as from my semen-retention post, their is no direct way that I can prove any of my conclusions other than from a placebo stand-point. This would be a more reciprocal forum, that is more organized and more serious about the advancements of both immortality and  long-term solutions to many of us, with impaired mental faculties. Thus, it's upon my initiative that I believe unless a new forum or foundation of some-type is founded on the notions of  LTR(Long term treatment), then it's probably unlikely that many of us will find the long-term sustainable solutions needed to get the desired life outcomes for ourselves. I will, be sketching out a basic plan at some-point of how my forum will be made and developed and I will export all of my content to that forum and for new members to go their, this will be some-time in the future, when I can dedicate more energy to this endeavour, as it seems most scientists as of late have found nothing of significance that is actually worth utilizing that is implictly subject to the yerkes-dodson curve. I will eventually link my youtube page as some-point, but will not until I can find a proper way to define parameters to preserve my public image, simply because most of my content is very out there and most neurotypicals and neurodivergent alike aren't capable of stomaching the real-truth's, I've observed.. Either way blutness is the only truth to find the real answers we are looking for not hiding like cowards behind indirect language.  I should have a ADHD post soon.

 

[MichaelFocus22]

08-16-2020: 

 

             1. First post, in a bit of time, I will continue to update this for posterity purposes until, I make my new website and I make an entire forum further dedicated to the subject of mental health and noorotropics, because their simply just isn't enough information, that have to do with permanent solutions rather than transitory anecdotal evidence with next to no scientific rigor. Anyways, it's been some-time quarantine has been getting increasingly more annoying the boredom continues to ramp up, it's like someone is drilling something in the side of my skull, it's an itch that never goes away because of ADHD. More or less, I believe this quarantine and virus is utterly silly nonsense, it's unfortunate the way this whole thing has become so politicized thanks to wonderful government. In other-news what I have come with sense, the last-time I explored the issues of ADHD?

 

 

              2. The first thing, is that their is almost always a direct correlation-causation factor between diet/ digestion and behavioral compliance of outcomes, It's been consistent for MONTHS on end with nothing making any perceptible difference in this. In other-words the more food, I consumed the more side-effects of cognition that seemed to appear across time, that seemed to range from irritability, aggression, anxiety, frustration, annoyance and rumination cycles, so in other-words, I've been able to find a direct consistent relationship between the zoning out during my focus periods and my inability to perform on jobs and specific tasks that need to get done. I've confirmed this many many times over through my usage of fasting, during these periods, I always found a consistent period of superior focus, that allowed me to do significant amounts of work, focus was much more effortless, I was still scattered but a task that toke me days would only take hours, as if I was on a stimulant almost.  Thus, it's my belief, that Different types of food seem to have a greater significant impact on the capacity as to how we function and focus more than I attributed. This possibly explains some of what I call my "personality distortions of self" where I become an exaggerated aspect of my ever-flowing personality, which seemed to be triggered by an environmental factor and component. Thus, I would urge anyone with ADHD-PI variation to keep a mindfulness journal to track "things that are strange" about your cognition and make sure to account for the inputs, that you consumed for that given day which will generally determine how bad or how good your ADHD become.

 

           3. Hot sauce has a psycho-stimulant effect, I have successfully been able to keep SOME consistency for well over 6 months despite no ritalin, I attribute this success to hot-sauce capasin consumption which seems to help with the intense boredom, I am always feeling all the time. I've not studied the chemical properties of hot-sauce but it releases endorphins and dopamine in some form, so it seems to help SOMEWHAT with the issues of sustained effort up to a point but it does not come, even close to the sustain of ritalin ofcourse. The nice thing about hot-sauce, is that it has no side-effects with maximum upsides, so in other-words, if your feeling underaroused you can "drug" yourself with a bit of hot-sauce and that burning sensation will give you a euphoria high or give you "stimulation" that you need to get through the day.  When I stopped taking my hot-sauce for even 3 days, I felt the BOREDOM very very BADLY it was fucking horrible, it was like everything had become meaningless and all of life was just emptiness.  The joy from the world disappeared and everything was just watching paint dry all day, even what i loved I could not do because of the pathetic amount of stimulation that I was getting. Thus, a bottle of hot-sauce is pretty cheap and has done wonders to get me through the torment of quarantine. I suspect, I might have relapsed into addictions aka "medications" that are destruction rather constructive like porn, video-games, mass wiki binges, quora, random impulsive buying etc. 

 

                I would NOT RECOMMEND TOTALLY going OFF stimulation TREATMENT, because the intense boredom and apathy you will feel will be so terrible that you will go crazy.  It's so terrible, that my mind was struggling to get through the existing moments and everything felt like forever. So in other-words, I suspect if you go unmedicated you will need to find a way to "stimulate yourself", constantly in order to engage with the world in any meaningful way. Cardio helps somewhat not really, but I suspect all ADHD people are subconciously self-medicating with either constructive or destructive copying-mechanisms that probably interact with your incredibly incredibly low dopamine levels.

 

        You never realize, how LOW or underaroused one is when you get rid of ALL of your SOURCES of stimulation, honestly I would not wish this on anyone it's easily the most horrible experience, I've ever had, sometimes the boredom is so intense, that it becomes a boredom-attack, it's like this annoying feeling that scratches and GNAWS at you like a starving animal to STIMULATE YOURSELF, it doesn't matter how much you want to do an assignment, this stimulation issue is basically why everything you experience is so HARD to do, you have no control over how and when you want to stimulate yourself, sometimes my homework is stimulating other times it bores me to tears.

 

           4.In relationship to integrating any other permanent changes, I have effectively failed for the past 7 months straight to integrate any intentional goal or outcome simply due to my inability to sustain my efforts across time in a consistent fashion to achieve a desired result or a desires outcome. This implies that ADHD effects are ability to self-modify our own behaviors permanently because stimulation levels, determine whether we can use that internal stimulation to impose OUR WILL upon ourself to follow a desired outcome.. So I'm not sure what else to add, ADHD has been resistant to meditation, exercise, running, weight-lifitng, dieting I'm still testing, structures help up until a point and basically everything I can think off I've tried with minimal success.

 

           Other-wise, quarantine has destroyed alot of what I was doing before the virus which was unfortunate,  my  progression in many aspects of my life, have improved somewhat but I still consider it a resounding failure for the time being. I will continue to observe the situation but, the situation has stayed largely the same as of a year ago. My energy is always low, I feel exhausted basically every single day, with little no energy seems to be another symptom  of ADHD-PI, No amount of sleep, diet, or exercise resolves this issue, I simply have less energy than normal humans which has largely capped what I've been able to achieve.  Either way, it does not matter, the show must continue. Until next time

 

/TLDR New update:

[MichaelFocus22]

10-4-2020:

                It's been some-time sense i've been on this forum and will only be active intermediately to update this thread for those who find this thread of utility purpose and of utility value, as of this present time, I have somewhat accomplished what I set out to do when I went off my meds sometime in January, my goal was simple, could I function to the level I'd like to function off medication relative to my unmedication state? I wanted to improve my love-life and up to a point I did achieve this, I went on to talk to dozens and dozens of women  and went ahead and had some sexual relations with another girl and it was very nice and validating to say the least, but my issues are still constant and consistent despite all the energy and effort I've expended into researching every avenue and every aspect of ADHD and studying cognitive behavioral psychology, I only ended up making minor progress with nothing ever translating into the true life that I wanted to live it seems. As of last few days, I feel empty even though my life is theoretically better post medication rather than pre-medication, all I was able to figure out during this time-frame,  was that fasting seems to significantly influence cognitive behavioral functioning to the point, that I  functioned at a higher cognitive behavior state than even most neurotypicals, unfortunately this methodology allowed me to hold some substantive work and my ruminations had finally disappeared which proved to myself that at least in one cognitive state, I could be confident, happy and leisurely like I always knew that I could, unfortunately these fasting cycles have proven absolutely unsustainable simply because one needs to eat a significant amount of food, if I am to attain my weight results and at this time much of what I am doing is an absolute contradiction.  It feels like at times that I am living in a dream, in one potential reality, I have beautiful women that want me my ADHD isn't too bad and I've done everything that I am supposed to do, to be who it is that I want to become. 

 

          In other moments sense being off medication, it feels like living in this discontinuity fragmented dream, where my emotional s states fluctuate from intense apathy, boredom and intense anxiety that makes it to the point where I seem to barely function even despite other days proving the opposite of that reality. The only other measure quantifiable metric I was able to find was that, diet seems to play a significant influence on impulse control, executive regulation, and capacity to live a normal and happy life seemed to be significantly influenced by food but it's unclear why it impacts me to such a profound level. As I started keeping a notebook using capasin to sustain my behavioral modalities my habits kept compounding somewhat off medication, unfortunately it  only pointed me to cognitive distortions of paranoia, rumination cycles that seemed to have lasted 6 hours at a time and nothing I did could stop them from happening. At best meditation helped somewhat but it was still inconsistent and my inability to keep consistency has reigned supreme further proving what I've been saying all along that people with ADHD have  a very difficult time sustaining their behaviors in a consistent manner across a delay-gratified time-frame.   Lately, I feel lots of despair and emptiness because despite achieving the majority of what I wanted except a sustainable income and sustained love life everything feels meaningless, the degree doesn't matter, my inability to totally discipline myself remains inconsistent ,everything feels half-ass despite doing my best to make it complete, finishing everything still feels very difficult and an absolute monumental effort, it's like living a half-life where I have all the possibilities and everything it still feels incomplete, I just am not able to do it, to the level of competence and success to live my life in the way I'd like to live.

 

       ADHD in this sense, seems to be an permanent inability to totally manifest everything that you would like to be in life or at least it makes everything temporary, difficult. exhausting, frustrating, blunt and confused in a state of total disorientation. Yesterday, i felt tons of anxiety, frustration and ruminations that seemed to cause more obsessive thoughts that came out of nowhere, that seemed to once again to be triggered by the only constant variable of food and my whole day was an absolute disaster from a cognitive and behavioral perspective because, I was lethargic, my whole body was in excruciating pain, I was drained and my willpower impaired despite knowing what to do, why to do it and how to do it, but simply not doing it, despite  simply not doing it... I feel no close to finding a true long term sustained treatment of ADHD within the respects, that explains all of the observations that I've experienced over the years. I do believe, that the majority of the jobs I've lost were primarily caused by food triggered anxiety that triggers a fight or flight response via cortisol and adrenaline which would explain the constant ruminations, extra sensitive feeling of my skin, fluttering heart racing, back pain muscle aches, inability to over-come thoughts despite them constantly looping and the "What, if I get fired thoughts",  etc.   So, in the objective respects, my life isn't bad per se but I am unhappy with my inability to control the course of my life in the way that I'd to. As of right now, the only thing I can add, that a possible theoretic holistic treatment for ADHD would probably come from a strong diet full of fruits and vegetables with minimally refined carbs but unfortunately, I do not have the capacity to afford it at this present time.  That is all, I have you for the time being, I'd like to write more But I am still recovering from the last few days..

 The only thing else, I can add is that the days feel meaningless, the days merge from the previous day to the next day with no metric, no quantifiable measurement of improvement, the days are inconsistent, apathy is constant, everything makes one feel powerless at times but their must be a way through this, I am simply out of ideas, I have literally tested everything I could think off and nothing truly worked in the way that I wanted it to work.  So, then that is true ADHD, true ADHD is resistant to most if not all treatments from both an anxiety and executive capacity perspective, it's unfortunate that we ADHD have to work so hard for so little, every day I collapse exhausted, everything feels like a burden, it feels hopeless at times, despair comes and goes, moments pass and I feel joy and then their is this deep thought in my mind that tells me, their is more to this than what I am doing.. No progress, no results just nothing.. What to do? I wish I knew, I will add a more descriptive piece of writing when I get the chance to describe more psychiatric observations of ADHD. That's all I have. I wish you well.

 

/TLDR Small Cathartic writing piece

[MichaelFocus22]

1. 12-22-2020: It's been sometime sense, I've posted and I believe that this may soon be my last post, it's not clear yet, I've nothing else to be gained form this forum as I have outgrown this forum as my understanding of ADHD has expanded accordingly. So, these are some of my final conclusions and then I will possibly exporting all of this content to an entirely separate website domain entirely and it will eventually be permanently removed from this platform,  So for those that are still even reading this post this is what I have discovered and from these observations, nootropics are not the answer at all, but rather an entirely radically different approach will be needed and I will be inventing it to suit my final needs that I require: Firstly, I believe that aspects of western-diet are probably 85% responsible for many of the cognitive distortions I have experienced, I am reasonably confident in these assertions after a significant amount of time doing observations about myself, it's unclear if this is a placebo but I am going to make the reasonable assertion that it is caused by either  a defective input that is somehow creating false cognitive rumination states, which explains all of the negative manifestations that keep occurring in my reality:

 

 Particularly, this is significant, because I've denoted for months on end that I've had peak periods of superior work-performance and then work periods, that fluctuated severely that typically manifested in fairly predictable manners that caused issues of complains of lack of attention to detail and non-obvious performance problems which were not necessarily good,  for my long-term earning prospects which has effectively been the #1 reason why I haven't been able to do anything No matter what I did I never got anywhere precisely because of this cognitive impairment. Whatever is occurring is somehow effecting almost every domain of cognitive functioning and it has proven resistant to almost everything in exclusion of elimination diet and meditations which have only proven somewhat productive, at this point.  Therefore, these impairments during food consumptive periods that seem to have the qualities of dairy, possible high sugars or wheats or some-type of unidentified food additive that I am not aware of continues to trigger involuntary cognitive distortions that are often not accurate bearings of realities, which is effectively capping all my potential. To put it bluntly, it doesn't matter what I do until this is solved. 

 

       Whatever is happening is somehow triggering cortisol and adrenaline released into the body that lingers from a period of 3 to 5 hours and is therapy resistant as well it seems, thereby the only initiative left, is to explore every facet of pseudoscience from agriculture to epigenetics to identify the cause. I've theorized that lithium or some-type of calming agent that can act on my CNS should be able to down-regulate these false-anxiety states to match a more accurate cognitive reality. If I succeed then I win. When I win, I absolutely win and I will get whatever I want. Otherwise, it's unfortunate but these periods of anxiety seem to trigger all sorts of unique events that I call anxiety-synchronicities, that occur with no direct-causal explanation, I am also studying this in my down-time, unfortunately progress is slow but I am seeing minor improvements, so hope is not lost. These synchronicities, have probably been happening ALL the way back when  I first wrote my post about me loosing my job as summer-conference assistant, I had two cognitive states one that was predictable  and one that existed as unpredictable, which the privileged neurotypicals knowingly exploit towards their advantage during periods of frame-weaknesses which I typically regain, that results my advantage accordingly. 

 

          At this-point in time, It has costed me jobs, hundreds to thousands of dollars in potential money that is being lost, that is probably over 100k in potential theoretical income, if I could reasonably calm my mind, unnessicary drama seems to occur and their is a difficult period of promoting a non-reactivity state of stoicism, which is difficult for me to do, states of paranoia devolve in untrue thoughts of ruminations about events that have not yet appended that manifest into real-events accordingly that leads to situations not desirable to my own functioning or my own life-goals, this is inclusive of romantic and non-romantic relationships unfortunately. Either-way the costs are very very substantive, but I am making measurable progress, day by day, Week by Week, Month by Month I am getting closer to the Last Solution to this problem of addressing ADHD and other cognitive issues in a sustained fashion that drugs have repeatedly failed to do.  Therefore, these issues have effectively capped all of my goals, I've been unable to bulk, been unable to improve my dating life at this point but I will keep practicing regardless, unable to sustain a long-term profitable business model, inability to maintain proper relationships that degenerate, perpetual inability to hold-down work and work impairments, that are not directly caused by ADHD but worsened by food-inputs or theoretical epigenetic causes that I still somehow remain oblivious too.

 

Next, I've discovered a new sustain output that has basically no-side-effects is capasin which has proven to be instrumental in allowing perpetual activities of consistency across a delayed-time-frame, therefore I've largely resolved the medication paradox, but unfortunately, it is still mostly inferior to a type-2 stimulant, it would be nice if such a stimulation output existed that provided higher outputs of dopamine with minimal to no side-effects which in theory would make you mostly neurotypical. Capascin, then provides a viable mechanism to sustain any hobby and any endeavor forever, the only cost is acid reflux and destruction of your teeth which can all be reasonably counteracted with PH of alkaline and and tumtum consumptions.   Unfortunately, it still has not closed the stimulation gap vs neurotypicals at the point of performance, but it has allowed me to finish 22 books, be consistent for 10 months in advance with no loss of performance equal or superior to type-2 schedule drugs, with emotions intact, therefore I can reasonably claim that the medication paradox has reasonably been solved.  

 

However, without the capacity to solve these issues of irritability, cognitive inconsistency outputs invariances that are contingent on outputs of qualities of food seem to be causing almost 90% of my problems in my case to where my ADHD goes from mild-moderate to severe to the point that it has generated all of the damages I've described above. At my peak state, I can get basically anything that I want, relationships, jobs, it doesn't matter people beg to have me around because I am god-incarnate within the respects of energy flow, but this becomes impaired during these periods of consumption periods, where I attempted to reasonably bulk between about 2500-4000 calories, which yields the same consistent food-comas, irritability, fight-flight response heart-racing, overreactivity, ruminations, RSD cycles, paranoia, false fears and other false realities that are simply not reflective of what is the actual reality.  I am much much farther and closer to living my perfect life that I have wanted for many years, the two problems remain income, relationships and reasonable cognitive consistency of outputs to environmental situations with minimal cognitive distorisions, if this should be resolved, I predict I will become a multi-millionaire.   Their is still much work to do in ADHD literature, diet optimization, work in epigenetics, CRISPR-CAS9 will probably provide the final Solution to ADHD once and for all and their will never need to be any more speculations about this condition. In another sense, I still enjoy what  I "am", Perhaps just a bit more focus and less to no anxiety and my life would be perfect. This then leads into questions, do we want to "fix" anything? If so what are the consequences? I  have many many more thoughts, that I will be compiling into my magnus opus as a final how-to-guide into resolving and treating ADHD and other problems of the brain permanently rather than temporarily, after all most of my problems, have never really been in my control, so is it really my fault?

 

 The rest of my life will be dedicated to this task and I will find the answer and I will Win permanently, irrespective of what the nasayers have told me. I will prove you wrong. I promise you. Even if it kills me. It doesn't matter. This is the purpose of my quest is to avenge every lost drop of potential and glory we ADHD people have lost through no fault off are own, lost jobs, relationship failures, lost-dreams, drug-addictions, meaningless hedonism, rejections from others, failure to integrate into the neurotypical hierarchy, all for simply being different? No, I will find the solution and I am getting closer by the day, I can sense it. This is your purpose, to avenge what could have been and to not let it happen ever again.

 

As for those, who are still loyal, to this thread PM me, if you would like a link to where I will be posting all my new content, as this may be my last post, it will be TBD:  As for those posters who persist on this forum, I thank you for growing my mind in the realms of nootropics and chemistry it has been a productive venture for myself, but I am on to bigger and better things, to not just speculate but to change lives, because I will not standby and live a second-class life to those of privileged neurotypicals.  I will periodically check messages for those who want links to this new content, otherwise, this may be my last-post, it's not determined yet as to whether I define it as productive or not