15 replies to this topic

[MyBattle123]

Hi guys, I know this will be a bit long but I am feeling suicidal daily so any help would be really appreciated!!

 

This is my first post here and I think this is the only forum that can help me find out wtf is happening with my brain and how to get out if at all possible. I am in very deep and have been suicidal for 3 months straight and hanging on for dear life.. 

 

Male 33 years old used 1mg Ativan for 6 years on and off for anxiety when I got bad tinnitus after a case of epstein barr virus (recovered from both). Never used everyday because I knew about addiction. But not the physical dependence part.

 

To make a long story short after a month use a year ago (before use was always sporadically) and a cold turkey quit. I ended up on 5 mg Ativan because I ended up with severe rebound anxiety which I never felt that intense before...my doc did not diagnose properly. IMO he made a lot of mistakes, not identifying the impact of the CT and impact of Ativan on GABA receptors and anxiety just keep throwing benzo's at me switching to other meds quickly etc etc.... All never worked. I started recearching and found out benzo's were causing the problems and dedicated myself to get off as fast as safely possible. Went down about 0.25 a week sometimes 2 weeks. Ashton Amnual etc. etc.

 

I have been tapering most of last year got down to 0.8 and I decided to vape some Indica cannabis because I felt like crap that day and thought it would help. Bad mistake, I was not in a good mindstate with a sensitive brain. I had a bad trip and got depersonalised.

 

I used cannabis a lot in my past and never had a problem but in benzo withdrawal it was a bad move, before this mistake when I was withdrawing I was still active, I went to the gym, socialise now and then could enjoy a movie, YT or a videogame now I am not even able to distract anymore . Anyway this was 3 months ago and my sense of self has shifted. Had to updose back to 2.5 Ativan.

I feel like a walking corpse/empty shell walking on a different planet. Former self feels gone... 

 

-severe anxiety

-dangerously depressed (suicidal semi-active practising and thinking about where and how)

-dp

-severe agoraphobia

 

Current other meds.

 

-25mg seroquel at night (told it would help the taper back when I was upped to 5mg but never had a problem sleeping so another stupid move by doc but stayed on it)

-Since yesterday I am on Lyrica/Pregabaline 75mg 2x p/d as a new doc suggested to help get off benzo's. (hope it will help a bit)

- 2.5 Ativan

Since this bad trip it feels like I have been traumatised. I thought I went psychotic or schizophrenic that moment but it was just a bad trip to an anxious brain.

 

Now Legs shake, Libido dropped to 0, brain feels on fire severe cog fog and cog problems. GI Issues had bit before in withdrawal but now severe. Feels like this is it my whole body feels out of wack and probably it is morning cortisol is through the roof I cannot taper atm ( I hope the Lyrica will help a bit )

 

What can I do? Is it safe to try other meds or supps in benzo withdrawal. When u go to benzobuddies or whatever all they preach is time and no other meds but it is becoming a matter of life and death. I feel I am trapped, the DP which is my biggest hurt will never leave if I am anxious and depressed. But a benzo taper when not stabile, with raging anxiety and depression will not give u a chance to recover from dp. Distract, go to the gym, socialise etc. All that is impossible, I tried the first month but I crashed and burned. I am house/bed/couch bound. Moved in with mother.

 

Some other ideas I have...

 

-Tianeptine

-Lamictal

 

Anyway I feel like my whole brain/body just shut down, I think everything is out of balance (all neurotransmitters) maybe even hormones, stomach problems so probably dont produce anything there.

 

Where do I start? 

How can I clean up this mess. Benzowithdrawal is hell, Dp is hell, and all this destroyed my life so not only does all that messing around with substance made me depressed but seeing were I ended up makes me depressed too and I feel trapped in a nightmare.

 

Any advice/help will be appreciated!

Edited by MyBattle123, 08 February 2019 - 10:10 PM.

[zorba990]

I am not a health professional.
You need medical attention immediately. Substance withdrawal is not to be taken lightly or accomplished via more self experimentation with supplements. Meanwhile the basics of hydration with pedialyte, and then epsom salt baths would be what I myself would try along with a simplified clean diet - whatever works for you, making sure sleep is optimized with dark room and perhaps 4-7-8 breathing if falling asleep is an issue.

https://www.healthli...7-8-breathing#1

[MyBattle123]

Thank you but I am medically supervised, now and through all of my taper. My first doc made some bad errors IMO though. I have a new one and that is why I started the Lyrica to help my taper.

 

Vaping the cannabis offcourse was my own stupid mistake.

 

 

[YoungSchizo]

Stay of the cannabis, forever. The threshold has been reached, you will probably have another episode even if you do well again. I personally am not against the use of benzo's, I've only had an increase of 0.5mg Clonazepam in 9 years and it still works for my issues. Believe it or not (and don't be mistaken, this is NOT advice) a period (a year or so) alcoholism has cured my severe DP/DR issues. I quit when it made me more depressed than I usually am.

 

Anyway, this is probably not much information you need but I think the first part, staying of cannabis is solid advice and you'll probably recover with time. 

 

Meantime maybe try L-Theanine and/or (high dosed) CBD while tapering off benzo's, both are anxiolytic.

[MyBattle123]

I will never touch cannabis again in my life, I have learned my lesson. I am not anti but obviously it has its risks def. if you are sensitive.

 

I am such a wreck. The DP is very frighting, and on top of that this horrible benzowithdrawal.. The fact that healing from that + taper can take years and all the anxiety I will face makes me feel hopeless. Because anxiety means DP. If I could relax then I would heal from DP but relaxing in benzowithdrawal (when  tolerant) is like relaxing in a cage full of lions. Impossible :( 

 

I am totally tolerant to the benzo's they provide no relief I just don't quit cold turkey for obvious reasons.

 

I just know I am in it for the long haul, and I am not good at accepting illness... Specially when no one around u or any doc understands. 

[John250]

I will never touch cannabis again in my life, I have learned my lesson. I am not anti but obviously it has its risks def. if you are sensitive.

I am such a wreck. The DP is very frighting, and on top of that this horrible benzowithdrawal.. The fact that healing from that + taper can take years and all the anxiety I will face makes me feel hopeless. Because anxiety means DP. If I could relax then I would heal from DP but relaxing in benzowithdrawal (when tolerant) is like relaxing in a cage full of lions. Impossible :(

I am totally tolerant to the benzo's they provide no relief I just don't quit cold turkey for obvious reasons.

I just know I am in it for the long haul, and I am not good at accepting illness... Specially when no one around u or any doc understands.

My brother has been going through benzodiazepine withdrawal from 40-60mg Valium for maybe 4-5 years. He followed some famous tapering method I can’t remember who wrote the article or book. He got down to 10 mg and from there it was too much for him to deal with. He’s actually going to a detox next week and it only takes 7 days and they use some type of barbiturate and anti seizure med.

[Azet]

If it was caused by THC in cannabis, then maybe you should try high percentage CBD oil?

[MyBattle123]

My brother has been going through benzodiazepine withdrawal from 40-60mg Valium for maybe 4-5 years. He followed some famous tapering method I can’t remember who wrote the article or book. He got down to 10 mg and from there it was too much for him to deal with. He’s actually going to a detox next week and it only takes 7 days and they use some type of barbiturate and anti seizure med.

Probably the Ashton Manual and I was tapering like this too, it was going well. Then I vaped some Indica and my brain got warped... A quick detox with barbiturates and extra meds is probably not a good idea for me now. But yes the last part of the taper can be a bitch. Benzo's are really hell to get off of. Offcourse nobody warned me 7 years ago and I did not do my research. I only used as needed up until the very last month but physical dependence creeps in and you will never even notice. It's a very sneaky drug. Tell your brother too be very careful with his brain after because it will be extremely sensitive. I smoked pot many times never had a problem...

 

If it was caused by THC in cannabis, then maybe you should try high percentage CBD oil?

I have tried here and there but it is no miracle... Thanks anyway.

 

My brain just took a massive beating this year if it will recover it will take a lot of time, heck Im not even off the damn benzo's yet. I was almost there till I messed up :(

[John250]

Probably the Ashton Manual and I was tapering like this too, it was going well. Then I vaped some Indica and my brain got warped... A quick detox with barbiturates and extra meds is probably not a good idea for me now. But yes the last part of the taper can be a bitch. Benzo's are really hell to get off of. Offcourse nobody warned me 7 years ago and I did not do my research. I only used as needed up until the very last month but physical dependence creeps in and you will never even notice. It's a very sneaky drug. Tell your brother too be very careful with his brain after because it will be extremely sensitive. I smoked pot many times never had a problem...

I have tried here and there but it is no miracle... Thanks anyway.

My brain just took a massive beating this year if it will recover it will take a lot of time, heck Im not even off the damn benzo's yet. I was almost there till I messed up :(

I think you might just be an extra sensitive case for some reason. Because my brother has said that marijuana pretty much helped him get through the majority of this withdrawl and almost everyone I know withdrawling from every drug out there typically benefits from it. However there are those who are extra sensitive and maybe you might not of been in the past but your brain chemistry could’ve changed from the with drawl therefore causing those issues. Neurotransmitters are weird thing I’m pretty much leaving my condition in the faith of TMS therapy. If directly stimulating neurons via transcranial magnetic stimulation doesn’t work then I give up.

[MyBattle123]

I think you might just be an extra sensitive case for some reason. Because my brother has said that marijuana pretty much helped him get through the majority of this withdrawl and almost everyone I know withdrawling from every drug out there typically benefits from it. However there are those who are extra sensitive and maybe you might not of been in the past but your brain chemistry could’ve changed from the with drawl therefore causing those issues. Neurotransmitters are weird thing I’m pretty much leaving my condition in the faith of TMS therapy. If directly stimulating neurons via transcranial magnetic stimulation doesn’t work then I give up.

 

Well I have a lot of experience with MJ even heavy sativa strains but like I said benzo's do bad things with your brain... I think you are right about benzos changing the brain chemistry... and you never know what exactly is going on in there. MJ is still a powerful substance

 

What are you using the TMS for?

[John250]

Well I have a lot of experience with MJ even heavy sativa strains but like I said benzo's do bad things with your brain... I think you are right about benzos changing the brain chemistry... and you never know what exactly is going on in there. MJ is still a powerful substance

What are you using the TMS for?

Mainly using it to repair any prefrontal cortex damage, depression, adhd,etc..

Maybe research into marijuanas effect on glutamate. I believe during benzo withdrawal GABA is very depleted which in turn increases glutamate causing unwanted symptoms. If marijuana increased glutamate anymore maybe that could’ve been an issue? What strain did you use? Indica or sativa or hybrid more dominant in Indica or sativa? My brother only uses Indica.

[mollysapron]

I don't smoke Cannabis anymore as it makes me a paranoid wreck, even without going through withdrawals. I haven't touched it this year, and have zero plans to touch it in the future. The few "test" times I smoked it last year proved to me that my relationship with it is over. Even smoking with gaba-agonists (to help reduce paranoia) made things weird. I felt the underlying anxiety.

 

Don't get me wrong, MMJ is great for those in need of it. Also a good business. But definitely can have bad side effects for those sensitive. I noticed my sensitivity to it AFTER trying psychedelics. Since then it's never been the same. Someone above posted for the OP to never smoke Cannabis again, I'd agree. 

 

You'll get out of it, with time. I'm in a similar boat as I've gotten off of Pregabalin and Phenibut and still have some bad symptoms weeks later, but I know the human mind is complex and requires a long time to heal. Neuroplasticity will greatly help us, but first proper coping methods. I've experienced good results from limited therapy sessions. I'd recommend a good psychotherapist and cognitive behavioral therapy. But I mean a GOOD therapist, as many may fail you. Find the best reviewed one in your city.

[MyBattle123]

I think I am messed up beyond repair, I have a long taper ahead of me so it will only get harder. Been at it for a year with several crisis moments... History of anxiety. Feel like I am a ghost.

 

I think about suicide all day. I never knew what benzo's were, and what kind of damage they do. All I did was take as prescribed. I think Ill be one of the ones who won't make it. All I read is they are the worst of the worst and now I messed up even further with the MJ which opened up a whole new portal of conscious which scares me to death and the depression since that is severe...

 

I have no will to fight this anyway that is the worst part. There is no place to go for help, I have been an talked to crisis teams all they can do is throw more meds. Psychs deny the whole benzo thing. Thinking you can just quit and it will be done in 2 weeks.

 

Oh well it's not in the cards for me.

[static_void]

This regime helped me immensely after weed induced DP/DR. Also, start exercising if you want to significantly reduce your recovery time.

[MyBattle123]

Im also in benzo withdrawal, showing signs of cptsd, cant function.. Working out was my no1 love but only revs me up now.

 

My body is totally out of wack.

 

Also cant do many supplements. If it was just DP it would be a bit easier to combat but its comlicated..

 

Thanks anyway

[John250]

For those in benzo withdrawl you may want to look into Emoxypine, Black cumin seed oil, progesterone, Selank, Mebicar, BPC-157, Tenoten,Melissa officinalis (Lemon Balm), Valerian, Lactobacillus rhamnosus, Afobazole,L-Theanine, Jatamansi.

skillcap:
“Baicalein and Wogonin are both potent GABAA agonists, and can activate this receptor. This is thought to mediate some of the depressant and anxiolytic effects of scutellaria baicalensis.

Oleamide:
“Oleamide appears to enhance GABA signalling through the GABAA receptors, without itself being a ligand or affecting ligand binding. The exact mechanisms underlying this enhanced signalling are not known.”

Avoid Phenibut it will have the same if not worse withdrawls.

Edited by John250, 02 March 2019 - 12:20 PM.