Hi - I'm brand new here and happy to have found this forum.
I am going through a crisis right now with anxiety and depression. I found this forum via a link to healthy ways to treat anxiety - it seems like there are some well informed people here so I thought it would be a good place to reach out.
Last August I went home to see my parents. I went to an old friends wedding, and my wife was pregnant with our second child. I also got a job offer with a new company. Unfortunately my father has advancing Parkinson's, and so so after this 2 week trip home to see my parents - I got on the plane to fly back to where I currently live with my family in California, and I had my first anxiety attack. My dad isn't going to be around much longer - we have a 2 year old son and a daughter on the way (now here - 3 months old), and I was about to begin a significant career change in September. 5 years ago a was working part time, living by the beach and surfing, and making art. Now I am a full-time corporate employee, 2 kids, and this mid-life crisis thing happening.
Over the next several months I began having severe anxiety. My body was stuck in fight or flight mode. Between September and December I lost about 20 lbs. Walking seemed to be the only thing that could snap me out of it. I quit drinking alcohol, and I quit drinking caffeine (both of which I had consumed regularly for about 20 years - I'm a 39 year old male). I started experimenting with a variety of supplements to try and control the anxiety - monitoring my diet, magnesium + L-Theanine, Fish Oil, Vitamin D3, a bunch of other odds and ends. I started talk-therapy.
To make matters worse my wife and I were fighting non-stop. She was very hormonal during and after the pregnancy. I was falling into a hole.
On December 15th our daughter was born - it was a fast birth - we narrowly made it to the hospital - but we made it.
From this point on - I'm now in charge of taking care of our 2 year old son in the morning, and my wife turned into a micro-manager on how I should be doing that. I completely lost it - worst Christmas ever - just non-stop fighting. And a baby that never sleeps on top of it.
Come January, I found a different therapist who I like much better. I also started Microdosing Psilocybin - 1 day on 2 days off at about .1 gram. At a certain point I begin stacking with a B-Complex: https://moonjuice.com/products/ting, and I regularly take a magnesium supplement as well: https://moonjuice.co...sium-supplement.
I had also started drinking alcohol again around the holidays, as it seemed to be the only thing that could reach my anxiety.
Also - fun life event - my dad (74) was diagnosed with cancer in January. Treatment isn't really an option due to his advancing Parkinson's, so he is officially in Hospice care now - not terminal with a definite time frame, but he is in very poor shape. I haven't seen him since his birthday in October, and I'm flying up there to visit with him this coming week so he can meet his new grand daughter. After he passes my mom will be living in the family home by herself for a while - I worry about her and I am trying to figure out how to relocate my family to eventually be closer to her.
After I picked up alcohol again in December, a few weeks ago I fell into a completely depressed state of total anhedonia. I realized that I needed to stop drinking - and did. At this point I also started exercising, which improved my mood tremendously. A few days ago I was feeling pretty good so I decided to try an experiment - I drank a beer. I did not get a typical buzz that you would expect - I just felt weird, and sad. The next day I had total anhedonia.
So currently the depression is getting managed through exercise, talk therapy, and maybe the macrodosing psilocybin is helping? I also stacked in some Lions Mane & Stamets 7, and Niacin. Also - Occasionally tried Ashwaganda - not sure if that does anything for me.
My anxiety however comes in off the charts sometimes - what I have found really helps is https://www.swansonv...almaid-30-sgels and also this product from GAIA Herbs: https://www.gaiaherb...ducts/calm-asap
It is hard to manage sometime - it's difficult to find time to exercise, our 3 month old daughter never sleeps and my wife has agreed to take the brunt of the night work as I've explained to her that I think I have a brain injury. We are also not necessarily in a good place financially since she is not working - and she is sleep deprived so we are constantly arguing but making a solid effort to stop and we will try and seek out couples therapy. So what I'm getting at is there aren't very many options to reduce the stress in my life right now - but I'm doing my best. I've started meditating every night when I lie down, and also in the morning when I get up.
But I'm fearful of losing it when my dad passes and not being able to provide for my family - I think this is one of the biggest fears feeding my anxiety right now.
Also - tried Hydroxyzine - didn't like it - caused dissociation. Also Gabapentin - didn't mind it but didn't do much for me (prescribed for sleeping). Doctor gave my a scrip for escitalopram. I tried one pill, but got afraid of continuing and my therapist advised that I should stick with what has been working rather than try something new.
I've essentially boiled down my regimen to:
Running/excercise whenever I can (sparse opportunities right now)
B-vitamin complex every morning
Stamets-7 in the morning
Vitamin D occasionally in the morning
Every third day I microdose Psilocybin (.1 grams - almost finished with a 2 month cycle and ready to take a break for a few weeks to reduce possibility of tolerance)
Calm-Aid as needed
Calm ASAP as needed
- these lavender supplements are almost effective as a bento for taking anxiety down, though I am not sure if it is possible to take too much or if it is unhealthy to use for an extended period of time
Magnesium + L-Theanine in the evenings
Talk Therapy on Mondays
Also - a few weeks back I had some moments of complete clarity after my anhedonia - I felt so fucking good that I didn't care about anyone dying - I gave credit so a small amount of alcohol on a Tuesday night, as well as eating a cheesy lasagna (carbs + cheese = tryptophan).
Since then I have incorporated milk and kefir into my daily breakfast - along with banana, whole wheat toast w/peanut butter, etc.
I'm curious if any of you have any insight into the supplements that I've been taking - I've tried a number of different things, and these seem to be working. I can't really speak for anything other than the lavender - all the other stuff might just be a placebo. Interesting enough - last night I ate some THC gummy and took a lavender pill. I had a bit of anxiety in the evening, but today I have been in a pretty mellow mood all day long without taking much of anything.
My initial instinct was that due to the severe anxiety that started in August - that I developed adrenal fatigue and my cortisol system was all out of whack. Exercising seems to help, which is interesting because that hypothetically increases cortisol - running 20-30 minutes primarily.
I am also concerned about my dopamine system - not getting a buzz from drinking alcohol is really odd - I would love to enjoy a beer again someday. Alcoholism runs in my family, and there have been periods in my life where I drank a lot - but I have gotten better at managing it when I need to.
Does anyone have any insight or input into my situation? I'm afraid of going psychotic. I think a lot of this is grief related - GP diagnosed me with bereavement and an adjustment disorder. But I'm genuinely afraid of losing it - not being able to support myself or my family, and not having anywhere to go.
Thank you for reading all of this.
