Hi everyone!
So this post is probably gonna be pretty long, because i will have to explain to you my experiences ever since 2015, when my mental breakage started, as good as i can, because i have always had a very impaired memory. Probably due to my AuDHD. I'm hoping that someone here might have any idea of what is going on with my mind and body, and what i can do to recover.
In 2015 i went to my first ever rave, where i got to try ecstacy. I had an amazing experience all through out.
But it changed me majorly. Within a month i sold everything i had, quit my apartment and moved out into a tent permanently.
Later i moved into a camper instead where i lived for 6 months.
Both of these experiences was profound in a positive matter.
But after that rave, that's when i became more accustomed to drugs, and wanted to try and experience more things.
There is a lot of timeframes that i have forgotten and what i had been doing during them, but i got into the culture and practically became a hippie - got dreads and everything.
LSD, pot, mushrooms, MDMA, Amphetamine - all became a weekend habit, and luckily i never got addicted to anything, except to pot for a few months. But it wasn't bad at all.
The issue is that more and more i developed anxiety and bad self esteem. I think it happened so slowly so i couldn't grasp what was going on, and today I'm unsure if it's due to the drugs, or the "psychosis" i had back in 2015.
In 2018 i moved to a neighboring country for work, and of course i met the same kind of people there, and did a little bit of everything during some weekends, but not as often as in my home country, because i worked so much.
Although i did get a knee injury at work, so i couldn't work for 6 months. That's when i started to smoke a lot of pot daily, because i was mostly stuck in our communal apartment up on the 7th floor without an elevator, and yeah.. we had a dealer living there.
The anxiety got worse and worse, and after a few months i moved back to my home country. Got reengaged with the same people that i learned to know before, and the partying kept going every or every second weekend.
I think it was 2019, or 2020 that me and a friend on new years eve shared 9 ecstacy pills in one evening. And i think it messed up my system. I can't remember anything from that evening, and i got to learn a long time later how many we actually took. But i think this is where my real anxiety started, although I'm very confused about when and where my symtoms started and escalated, due to my already bad memory. I've never been able to remember from day to day how i'm functioning.
Up to here, i don't think I've had any physical symtoms that's been worrying.
I didn't touch MDMA for a long time after this, and i did it again with a smaller dosage in the summer of 2021 - this is when i felt something really strange in my right arm, i got intense paint if i didn't stretch out my arm while under the effect.
Every since then, i haven't touched it at all and i don't want to. That scared me.
In 2022 i went to a party where i used amphetamine and Lyrica(Pregabalin) for two days, and the second day is when i apparently got too much(i had actually forgotten how much i had taken when i was offered more). I got a seizure and apparently i couldn't breath due to it. Luckily someone there had some medical experience and opened my air ways.
Obviously i haven't dared to touch Lyrica again(i did read that it was possible to get this reaction together with amphetamine).
But i did party a lot more with amphetamine later, due to all my friends doing it.
Eventually, i got to a point - where I'm still at today. I can't touch the stuff. The last time i did it at a party, i felt like shit and it was like a psychosis was about to kick in.
Now i feel the same way even with micro dosages. It's like i get the crash of it instantly.
So, my point with this is that i think something is messed up in my chemistry, that is causing both my physical and mental problems. I can't say that for sure, because I'm obviously no doctor.
Now today, mentally, i have very intense social anxiety, and in general. I barely speak to anyone anymore. I'm shaking most throughout the day and get intense brain cloud. I get panicked when i meet a neighbor in my own apartment building.
I feel that the more i tried to remember and the more i wrote, the harder i had to strain myself writing this - so sorry if it's a bit cloudy here as well. It might be all over the place.
But i want to understand what exactly is going on in my body, why I'm having this anxiety that i can't seem get rid of. If it's some chemical imbalance, or if I'm just so mentally unstable because of trauma and stuff.
I recently switched to LCHF diet, just a couple a weeks ago to see if i will feel any better, and I'm taking multivitamins and minerals daily. Caffeine i can take in small doses sometimes, but mostly it just triggers me more.
I have days where i function better, but most of the time not so much. All in all, I'm trying my best to recover, but i don't feel that anything is really helping - i can almost feel that something in my brain is broken, if that makes any sense. Just as I'm worried about how my body is responding to stimulants, it feels like my whole temple is broken in general.
Before all this started pre-2015, i was a very social and lovable person with a lot of friends, and now i barely have anyone. I've thought about professional help, but my anxiety gets the best of me even thinking about it.
Sorry again for being all over the place, i can feel my brain shutting down after all this writing and thinking - but i had to put out whatever came to mind, and i just couldn't organize it better.
I hope i didn't forget anything important.
Thanks for reading!
