Yeah psychosis is usually both a breakdown and a breakthrough. My 2015 psychosis had blissful background, I felt as if guided by spirits and took the experience in kind of an innocent awe. For almost three months I spent in that what felt like "intermediate state" but towards the end started rejecting it and things got quite bad. But at some point it ended just like that. Antipsychotic medications never really did anything to stop or reduce it. On the other hand the 2018 psychosis I had was much more difficult and had a dysphoric and dark background to it. Excess alcohol use and neglecting myself and my health preceded it, was probably reason why it was such a bad experience along with no longer going to it in an innocent and naive background. It was really like a nightmare you can't wake up from and can't rationalize yourself through. The psychotic state eventually faded, was a tough lesson, but haven't had any psychotic symptoms ever since so it's been over five years.
It is amazing how mental ill health can sometimes be a blissful transcendental experience, but other times can be journey through literal hell.
My mental health issues started suddenly with a bad case of irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). I am pretty certain this was due to catching some infectious pathogen, which messed up my guts. We know that the condition of the gut can have a major impact on the brain, and my mental state changed profoundly and permanently after getting IBS. As a result of the IBS, I developed the psychiatric condition of hyper-religiosity, which dramatically alters the way you think.
I had always been a spiritually-inclined person, interested in mysticism; but at the same time I was very scientific (I have a degree in physics and mathematics), and I was very practical, quite capable of dealing with the practical aspects of life, such as holding down a job. But once I developed hyper-religiosity, it was like having spirituality on steroids — suddenly everything in my life revolved around the transcendental or the divine. After developing hyper-religiosity, I did not want to do anything normal or anything involving practical daily needs; I only wanted to try to connect to a higher or divine power, so that my actions on Earth might reflect divine will. I saw human will as debased and shallow, and felt that only trying to follow divine will was the right thing to do.
Because of this, I had a complete breakdown in my ordinary life, as I lost all interest in the normal practical requirements of daily life, like having a job or career, because I wanted to follow some higher divine will. So this hyper-religiosity psychiatric condition was highly disruptive to my life.
During this hyper-religious state, I also started to experience paranormal events: I started to routinely predict my immediate future.
For example, I would be preparing to go out for the eventing, and then a thought would spontaneously flash across my mind: "you are going to meet a French girl tonight". I would forget about this thought, and just go out and enjoy myself socially. Then later on in the evening, I would find myself chatting to a girl, and I would say "where are you from?". Then when they answered "France", I would suddenly remember my earlier prediction.
These paranormal events kept happening to me: I kept getting very precise premonitions of what was going to happen to me in the next few hours. Having studied quantum physics at university, I started to wonder whether my unbalanced brain was sucking in information from the near future, through some quantum phenomenon (eg quantum entanglement across temporal intervals).
This hyper-religious state went on for about 8 years, and caused my life to totally fall apart, because of the radically altered mental perspective. I lost my career, and sadly lost my soulmate girlfriend who I otherwise would have married. But at the same time, in spite of this relationship tragedy (which I still lament today), I was living very intensely, because I had such powerful spiritual and religious energies coursing through my mind.
People talk about the loss of mystical enchantment in our modern scientific and technological age; but with this hyper-religious mental state, I found the world around me magically enchanted and filled with divine energies.
Then after 8 years in this hyper-religious state, I caught a nasty virus which got into and infected my brain (causing encephalitis) and this resulted in considerable brain damage. This encephalitis brain infection unfortunately ripped out and destroyed the spiritual part of my brain, so that I suddenly lost all my spiritual energies. And the encephalitis destroyed most of my empathetic skills as well (I used to be able to read people's minds quite easily as a result of natural empathy; but the encephalitis destroyed the empathetic areas of my brain too).
This brain damage to my spiritual and empathetic faculties ended the 8 years of hyper-religiosity. This virus I caught also remained as an ongoing infection, and in combination with the brain damage it caused, triggered chronic fatigue syndrome, as well as causing some really torturous mental health symptoms such as horrible anhedonia, blunted emotions, depression, moderate to severe generalised anxiety disorder, and some mild psychosis symptoms.
As a result of the brain damage from the infection, I also lost most of my ability to read and comprehend text. It would take me 20 minutes to try to understand a simple 3-sentence email. But thankfully this faculty of reading slowly came back over about 10 to 15 years.
This new phase in my mental health had no plus sides; it's just been a very long journey (two decades so far) through a literal hell. Though my mental health fluctuates, and I've been reasonably OK in the last week or two.
So now I suffer the opposite extreme to hyper-religiosity: a total loss of all my spiritual and religious feelings. I find this totally unbelievable; for 8 years I had hyper-religious spirituality, where I felt like I had divine energies running through my mind; and then after the brain infection, I was plunged into the extreme opposite: a total spiritual void, where I feel I have lost all contact with the divine and the transcendental. Totally abandoned by God, if you like.
Ever since being cut off from my spiritual energies, I have simply wished for death, just because I hope that through the journey of death, I might once again reconnect with the spiritual dimension of the universe, as a disincarnate soul. Not that I necessarily believe in life after death, but I'd be happy to take my chances with this possibility.
So almost every day since that brain infection I had in 2005, I prayed to any god who might be listening, to give me a nice painless and quick fatal heart attack, in order to dispatch me to the next world. Unfortunately, so far my prayers have not been answered, so I am still here, living in the vacuum of a godless life.
But while I am still here, I feel it is my duty to try to enlighten anyone who might listen about the horrible damage infectious pathogens can cause to human life. Viruses totally destroyed my life and destroyed my happiness; so I want to make people understand how insidiously damaging such pathogens can be to physical and mental health. People get life-destroying physical and mental illnesses all the time. One minute they are healthy, the next they are very ill. But they never once realise that the reason they switched from health to disease is likely by catching an infectious pathogen (which we can catch asymptomatically without knowing).
I have done a lot of online medical research into brain repair, looking for ways to heal a damaged brain. But my understanding is that the brain does not heal after significant physical damage because of what is called the glial scar in the brain. The glial cells in the brain create glial scar tissue in response to damage, and this glial scar physically prevents new neurons from growing and making connections to surrounding neurons. Researchers are looking for ways to try to dissolve the glial scar, so that the brain can heal, but this research is still in its infancy.
But going back to your interest in shamanism: as you know, the shaman has been described as the "wounded warrior". Tribesmen are expected to be tough and macho, which is necessary for hunting food and surviving in difficult conditions. But sometimes one of the men of the tribe will develop an illness, physical or mental, which changes their nature. Through this illness, they lose their tough masculinity, but they may gain psychological and spiritual insights from their ill health ordeal, and so they become the individual in the tribe who attends to the tribe's spiritual needs — the shaman.
Maybe with your ordeal with psychosis, you can relate to what happens to turn an ordinary tribesman into a shaman.
Edited by Hip, 24 March 2024 - 04:50 PM.