I just get frustrated sometimes when people don't even seem to want to take the time to at least try to understand psychology and the impact childhood experience can have on our lives throughout adulthood.
I agree it probably has done something to how I'm wired overall. I have looked into CBT before, but chickened out. I think it comes down to avoidance. I want a magic pill that will make me happy. I certainly don't want to delve into what happened years ago. I love my parents and I know they were doing the best they could, but they really kind of sucked at it. They are still alive and they are very worried about me. The idea that their actions could have fucked me up like this is very disheartening and scary. But you are not the first person to suggest it. I think I also have dismissed it in that past because I know others who have had bad childhoods yet they are not suffering from any type of emotional issues. Maybe I just got unlucky.
They may not have suffered they way you have, but I am sure they were affected negatively in some way, and it likely showed up the most in their relationships and/or their ability to consistently be good to themselves.
Well, at least you have some awareness, that's better than many. I think it's great that you love and appreciate your parents for who they are. But, you have to do what is best for you, like they should have been doing. Facing your demons in therapy is not easy, but it will pay off in the long run. The process does not have to involve dwelling on things, but you will have to face the sadness, anxiety, and anger that you carry as a result of not getting what you needed from your parents. You sound like a forgiving person, this would benefit you in the therapy process. Some just get angry and bitter and use this as a way to protect them for really dealing with their inner emotions. Many ways of protection don't seem to make sense. Anxiety, for example, is often a way of protecting ourselves believe it or not. It keeps us from feeling too good. If we were to feel really good, then we would be vulnerable to getting hurt all over again. But if we stay in a consistent state of suffering, we are never vulnerable and just stay in limbo. It's like people who never allow themselves to truly be vulnerable in love. They deny themselves something wonderful because they are afraid they may lose it and end up so hurt that they find themselves worse off than they were without love. All of these protective mechanisms are manifestations that rise out of being hurt in the past. It gets even more complicated than how I have poorly explained. We are fucked up beings that seem to perpetuate our suffering. I digress.
The ball is in your court. All you have to do is test out a few therapists until you find a good one and give it a good go. Maybe thinking about how much your child would benefit would be motivation. The nice thing about therapy is it helps you learn to be more compassionate for yourself and sort of lets you off the hook for some things you may have carried guilt about or been hard on yourself for.
In the meantime, I think either lithium or depakote, or a combination of the two at a moderate dose, could really help even out your mood.
LongeCity
