167 replies to this topic

[Droplet]

<sub>I'm at the library. This would be a nice place to be on a rainy day. There's a view of the mountains. But you can hear the power flush toilets when you try to sit and read magazines. I was blocked from using the computers because I used one for 15 mintues when the user got off early. They have an automatic system that is supposed to give you an hour before it blocked you. Then a guy who seems to play with himself was in the library. He sat at the computer that is by itself with his hand in his lap suspiciously. I dropped notes off with the librarians. The next time I saw him his hand was not in his lap anymore. He must have noticed that I narked on him and negated that chance to catch him.

Now there are fleas. Two black fleas on the paper I printed out. Fleas, masturbators, toilets and computers that time you out 45 mintutes early. Aren't you glad you pay taxes so people have a place to be and connect to society?</sub>

That is one weird and badly run library!

[Luminosity]

I think so.

[Destiny's Equation]

Earlier I went to a restaurant with my mother.

As soon as I went in I felt sick (paint fumes coming off of the walls). Had she been one of my buddies I would have said, "There are fumes in here and I am getting sick. Let’s eat somewhere else", but I knew that if I did she would throw a temper tantrum. Intimidated, I kept my mouth shut.

By the time we were about to leave my vision was blurred. I checked the chair and the floor to make sure I hadn't left anything. I thought it looked good, but I asked Mother to check it for me anyways (she knows damn well that vision problems are a part of my brain condition). She refused to check, instead snapping, "be self-sufficient!".

Then, after I got home, I went to get my MSM bottle out of my purse to take the next dose. It was gone. Who knows what else I left at the restaurant, I don't know what else I had in my purse (I didn't exactly write a list of everything that was in there). I hope I didn’t lose anything important.

Aside from the fact I ate in a fumey restaurant, the fact that she never helps me out when I need it irks me. Anyone in their right mind would help someone with vision problems check for lost belongings before they leave a room if asked (other people I know don't mind doing that), but no, she tells me to "be self sufficient" and rants about how all she wants is “a low-maintenance kid".

I suppose that her wish for a self-sufficient low-maintenance kid is the reason I have been brain damaged 8 times and not once did she inconvenience herself by taking 5 minutes out of her day to call the paramedics?

[buckwheats]

aww. I read a Reddit thread recently where people were talking about their mothers who had always made them feel like an inconvenience for their medical conditions. it made me really sad :(. there were so many stories of outright neglect. If i thought i could find it I would link it here.

i find it really sad that your mom has that response to your health problems .. it seems like it's not all that uncommon. i guess she just wants to avoid the realities of your condition (would rather do that even if it strains your relationship than acknowledge it for what it is). I'm not sure if this is more a modern thing - maybe people grow up expecting for government health care to remedy everything now, not expecting to have to care for each other's health, so resent it more now when they feel they have to, and are more prone to denying that person's health concerns so that they don't have to face up to them, which they were never prepared to do. that's no excuse for not caring for others, of course.


what is your brain condition and how has it been damaged? (maybe if there's a thread on it you could direct me there). do you live with your mom?

Edited by buckwheats, 01 April 2012 - 04:08 AM.

[mikeinnaples]

What is bothering me today is how willing people seem to ignore law and subject people to mob rule and mob justice. What bothers me so much about it is the hypocrisy involved with the very minority that was quite often subject to mob 'justice' and mob mentality is now so very eager to do the same thing. What bothers me is how quick people are to rush to judgment about an issue without knowing all the facts. What bothers me is how certain leaders of certain minorities are so QUICK to exploit the tragedy of others to promote their agenda. What bothers me is race becoming an issue where perhaps there was no issue with it to begin with. What bothers me is that people seem completely blind to the fact that racism can occur between ANY race, not just inflicted on a minority by a majority. What bothers me is that a minority can yell racial slurs and be convicted of a racial hate crime, but it gets NO media attention, yet when a minorty is even perceived as being a victim of a racial hate crime, even if there is no grounds to make that assumption, you can't get away from it in the media because it is prevalent EVERYWHERE.

What bothers me is that nobody bothered to ask or care why a 'child', and I use that term lightly, was allowed to go out on the streets alone without parental supervision while serving suspension from school for possession of any empty drug bag when a responsible parent would know that their child was either using or selling, or both. Where is the outrage at the parent that didnt care? The parent whom, if they did care, would have never allowed there child to be outside alone to begin with, and thus never killed.

What bothers me currently is that people seem too ready to demonize, without any evidence and based soley off the media, a person that might just be the victim in the situation.

What bothers me currently is that people seem to think it is ok for a child, again using the term loosely because we have 17 year olds taking lives in our armed forced currently, to committ physical harm to someone, but it is NOT ok for the person on the receiving end to defend their life.... if that is of course what happened.

What bothers me currently is the media portraying a gold toothed, hoodie wearing, self proclaimed gangster, with a history of burglary, vandalism, and drugs as an innocent little, baby faced child by running extremely old and irrelevant pictures.

What bothers me currently is that I can go on and on about this.

[Luminosity]

This thread is four pages long so I'll repost the ground rules:

please don't use this thread to write about this site.
supportive feedback only, please
please, no advice or criticism to the posters
no debating

Post don't have to make sense.

This intended to be a place to vent without having to explain oneself.

Thanks.

I'm so sorry your Mom is like that Destiny's Equation. "Low maintenance" That's abusive. Defining legitimate needs as somehow crossing a series of imaginary lines and demonizing them or ruling them too much. I have some experience with that behavior. It sucks. Anyone who says they want a "low maintenance" family, spouse or especially child should not have one.

Edited by Luminosity, 03 April 2012 - 01:34 AM.

[Luminosity]

I don't want to place this order with a vitamin company. I feel ashamed and aggrieved because both of some troubles with placing the order that I blamed them for. They are dysfunctional and it is usually their fault but this time it wasn't. I feel murky dark energy. I spent all that time with the person on the phone and the order didn't go through. I feel shame and grievances. Late stage capitalism with all the corners cut doesn't really work for people. I feel a darkness about it. I am in the Apple store and a child is screaming and it has been very noisy and I can't think well enough to place a long, complicated order. You'd think that they would organize all your past orders so you can just reorder stuff off of them, but they don't. So it's always a new order. The child just let out a bloodcurdling scream and then another for no real reason. Thanks, adds to the post apocalyptic feeling. Concentration was banished back in the nineties.

It feels like something doesn't want me to focus. Like if that happened, the social order would be threatened. If I was organized . . . so they keep that from happening. Very effectively too. I have some collagen I have to take in my backpack. I'm tired of getting things out of my backpack and following a complicated regimen. Always something. And then I'm supposed to recreate my order which I spent so long on and I don't want to. I feel weird. I place these long expensive orders and half-way through the person on the other end loses interest and is hard to engage. Hey, I just exceeded a hundred dollars and you aren't paying attention. Shouldn't it work the other way? It's hard to deal with. It happened on the order but then it didn't go through for other reasons. Another company I tried isn't any better. Twice on long order the person would not read ingredients and got difficult.

So now there is this murky energy and darkness and shame and aversion. I don't know how they feel. Probably not great. It's not a great company but I haven't found a replacement.

[mikeinnaples]

I am currently bothered by people who spend the time to list somethng for sale on craiglist, but rather than spending 2 extra seconds to post a picture, they ask you to email them for a picture instead.

Ya right...

[The Immortalist]

Teen mothers

[ViolettVol]

I hope this is the right place to post this as I couldn;t find a separate grief post thread... My grandma died this monday... And I'm more crushed by tis than I ever assumed I would be. She was deteriorating mentally way before that and due to my psychological issues I avoided her for the past few months as per my doctors orders. Still, now that she's gone I am SO MAD at myself for not making more of an effort, putting my stupid psychiatric issues aside and just doing something for her, if only being there and listening to the ramblings that destroyed my [psyche so much... I can't help looking back to the times when she was normal and how much n we could have together then, I cant forget how much she helped me years back when I needed her, how much she saved me when my own mother went on drinking binges and I was left alone, and who knows what might have happened if it wasnt for my grandma. I remember our good times together and I weep for their return.. I also remember the awfulness when her mental illness and dementia set in and how awful that was.... I dont have a poignant or profound message here, all I know I want her back the ways shw was before her mind and body wet haywire, I want to tell hr how much I love her and I bloody well dont want there to be death to take her from me before there was a cure for all her suffering.
All I do now is keep calling her number, which now never answers in some mental hope of hearing her voice say my name again. I love you Grandma and I am eternally sorry and grateful.
Violetta

[Luminosity]

Wow. I'm really sorry to hear that. My condolences. You are welcome to post your feelings about this here.

[rwac]

So sorry to hear that. My sympathies. Don't be so harsh on yourself, you knew and loved your grandmother before the dementia took her away.

[Droplet]

Sorry to hear about that Violettvol, that's horrible. :(

[Luminosity]

I want to eat a baked good. I'm in a very large mall but all the ones they have here have hydrogenated oil or are stale or bad. The ones with the hydrogenated oil would otherwise be delicious. I want to eat baked goods! Damn them!!!! What's wrong with people?

[Luminosity]

I feel bad about feeling shut out of the writing world. I feel at sea. I feel like they are piling on instead of being on my side. I feel sad. I feel excluded. I feel like it's a merry-go-round that's moving too fast and I can't get on it, but it's not going anywhere good, just making itself inaccessible for no good purpose. I feel bewildered that something that stood by me and upheld me has gone away and lesser people are in it's place, and they can't hear me. I feel let down.

Do I need two thousands dollars worth of equipment on top of being an excellent writer and submitting good stuff? I guess so. I feel shut out. I feel like I'm wounded and nobody cares. I feel like the thing itself is me and they no longer care about writing. Replicants are in the place of editors and publishers.

Edited by Luminosity, 20 December 2012 - 03:46 AM.

[Luminosity]

I'll tell you what's bothering me right now.

I went to Google and it has a different looking logo. It looks like a child drew it. It freaked me out because for some reason, just before that, Safari couldn't find the web address I was looking for and I thought someone put up a trojan horse site.

Don't ever do that again!

[Luminosity]

A concern with my car emerged just as I was trying to take some time for myself that I so deserved. Why then? What is it? There were two other car related errands being done that day already. Why that day? I can't deal with that. And it made my time at the mall so distracted instead of being totally enjoyable. I can only deal with so many things at a time. I was already doing them.

I brought my wrong notebook. I had stuff to post on my blog in it, but it's at home. I brought my old one instead.

[sthira]

I've plateaued in my supta virasana. I can't quite get the lumbar flat to the floor; knees down and together. Yet this isn't "bothering" me -- they're just bound quadriceps and tricky to loosen without strong patience -- I'm unattached to the results.

[Luminosity]

Whew! Low blood sugar, crowded parking lot. This lady honked at me. I should have looked before backing up but she should not have been tailgating. I stopped in time. Would have apologized but I was trying to process. Then she honked again, and said "Hey." This time, no reason. The first honk was on the house, the second . . . . I rolled down my window and said, "What?" She said, "Calm down."

I said, "You're the one whose honking an yelling." I got into the parking space I wanted but I later left because I thought I'd better park somewhere else. More low blood sugar. Because I had one frickin cup of black tea this morning. How unjust is that? What's with the crowds at this mall? It's supposed to be the easy suburban mall that isn't difficult. That'sthe purpose of it.

I feel jangly. Why can't I have a frickin cup of black tea. I can drink brandy. Am I a pirate? You can give me a triple dose of Benadryl, nothing. A double dose of Ambien, very little effect. So here I am, all jangly and low blood sugary, and with those electric waves after such a thing. The trip to the grocery store went so well. I really should be eating now but there isn't that much time left to use the computer.

Noises of the energy, whew, grrrr, jangle, jolt, zap, grrrrr, whew, hmmmmmm

[Luminosity]

Went to this new Japanese/French bakery I found. There were three creme brulee's left. This teenage boy came up right in front of me and ordered them all to go. This guy was wearing at T-shirt and his skin had weird blackish-gray tones to it. He didn't look like he'd ever eaten anything that wasn't out of a microwave, let alone French pastries. So why did he decide to branch out today, times three? The only table left had empty plates on it, including the remains of another creme brulee. It's better than sex. Hope they enjoyed it as much as I would have.

The store the bakery was in had their seasonal decorations out, silk cherry blossoms hanging from bamboo trellises, ringed by glass and ceramic bells. They were nice, anyway.

There's this idiot talking to the security guy in the computer store. About women but not it a way I want to hear about, now it sounds kind of violent. Don't need it. It's hard to complain to the management because I use their computers so much but I really don't want to hear it and no one else does either.

I moved away and complained to an employee. Don't know if it did any good but that's about all I could do. Felt better to do that.

Edited by Luminosity, 25 February 2013 - 04:12 AM.

[Maecenas]

Modern politicians is what bothers me the most right now. They are the most shallow people among all - some sort of actors who play with serious things. I think politics must be a part of strict science. Nowadays politics is a greatest hindrance of progress, it is like some sort of theater where human greed is a playwright and where charisma is important. Politics is too individualistic nowadays. We need to build governments of law, not man.

[Luminosity]

In the US we usually elect the tallest good looking males in the primaries as our presidential candidates, and they have to have good hair. Results are all over the news. Dennis Kucinich should be the president right now.

[Maecenas]

My country is governed by criminal, who stole and committed rapes in his youth and who now drags ukrainian society to the russian hell. Can you imagine the president, who while meeting with Barack Obama asked him 'Who are you?' instead of 'How are you?', because he was only trained to ask 'How are you' and answer 'I am too' in English. But he misspelled and asked 'Who are you?' Obama thought it was a joke and answered 'I am a husband of Michelle' and mr. Yanukovich parotted 'I am too'. Everybody was astonished. And this is only one of a hundreds incidents. This 'politician' and his associates are friends of dictator Putin and they are the obstacle on the way to the better world.
Politics is a science with its own laws and it needs intelligent people.

Edited by Maecenas, 27 February 2013 - 07:16 AM.

[Luminosity]

I'm so sad and disappointed by the noise in the computer store where I use a computer. I could have done a lot more today if I could hear myself think. Sigh, it makes my chest feel heavy, and my soul feel poignant, because of wasted productivity. It hate it. It pisses me off. Who likes this music? Who wants to buy a thousand dollar plus device with all this aural clutter in the background? Certainly not anyone who is middle-aged or older. I don't even think the younger people want to buy something that important while distracted. This sucks.

It could have just been a beautiful day.

Edited by Luminosity, 03 March 2013 - 04:28 AM.

[Luminosity]

Why do I talk to this woman who also hangs out in the computer store? We used to be friends, but she was one of those people who always says something negative or insulting, but in an indirect way. So much that although she has a graduate degree and is intelligent, she seems to be permanently unemployable and unhousable. I used to hang out with her and her dogs/friends in the park but it just got too bad. I keep thinking she will have gotten better but she just did it again. I was having a good day and she brought me down talking about something bad that she could have kept to herself. So . . . no more. Have to learn. It's a shame that people who need stuff can't come together and help each other but so often the effect is like magnets with opposite charges. Which is probably why those needs haven't been met so far. Too bad People used to help/brefriend each other more but they have gotten unhelpable. I miss the days when ordinary people could bond and come together.

I need to learn to ignore this lady. She seems like she has gotten better but it's never true.

[carenesworld]

I keep getting flat tires and I am quite sick of it. Nails, metal slices, a screw just the past weekend while traveling. I dislike having to deal with a vehicle, but I need one.

[Luminosity]

Sorry to hear that.

[Luminosity]

It smells like elephant shit in the computer store. Why? This must be the cleanest, most sterile environment. Explains why I smelled this earlier at home. I must have picked up whatever it was here. Earlier a child let out an ear piercing yell. Second time this weekend. Why? It's Easter. We used to eat jelly beans. Now they shriek. Kids.

[Luminosity]

You know I'm at the library when this is the first post of the day. This is my second attempt to post this post. The first was abruptly shut down by a system malfunction. This is like a total confiscation of my time and energy and you SUCK library! I hate you. You are an asshole! I am sick of this shit. You don't value my time and energy and you are keeping people who use your resources from getting ahead.

They have actually disabled any ability we might have to access our history or I could retrieve my previous post. In some cases, you can't even use the back button. I guess nothing we have to say could be that important. You fuckfaces!!!!!!!!

And it's all so bland, so professional, the way they talk to us. This is driving me nuts. If I get out of it, that still leaves thousands of people depending on this resource who will likely not be able to advance to function in society and that affects all of us here, trust me.

I've just spend half of my hour allotment on library nonsense and haven't accomplished anything.

Stuff always happesn whenever I leave the house before 3:00 p.m. It was hot, there were way too many cars on the road, the parking was parked up, most of the computers were taken and a guy I'm no longer friends with was next to the only open computer--in addition to the library bullshit. I'm always reminded why I don't go out earlier. I wanted to use this day. I wanted to be productive. How frickin productive is this? And that librarian was so snotty. Earlier when two different librarians had different accounts of which computers were reserved, I thought they would try reconcile the information, but I finally had to resolve it myself. Turns out one of them doesn't know who to use the system. I asked the other one to show her, and she just said, "We were looking at different screens." I asked, "Shouldn't you be looking at the same information?" She allowed as how they should. I asked her to show the other one how to use the system. She somewhat snarkily said she would later, as if I was unreasonable. That one always acts like I am unreasonable. Like the time I told her someone had peed on the seat I was about to sit on. She acted like me telling her was unreasonable. Not sure how that works in her mind. This is so pissing me off and angering me. I don't like it at all. Now I've used up 37 minutes of my hour on their bullshit.

I'm not right wing but seeing how little I get done on the publicl-yfunded library computers compared to the computer store computers makes you think.

Edited by Luminosity, 14 April 2013 - 11:34 PM.

[Luminosity]

I'm in the library. It wasn't as bad as it could be but then I went to print and the letters didn't emerge. Turns out they are coming out at a different printer than I was told. The "librarian" wasn't curious or concerned when they didn't turn up originally. I couldn't get her interested in finding out what happened, but they turned up. Now I have a 48 minute hour on this computer because they close them down early. But I did get to do what I came here to do and some more. But there is always this anger because they are so deficient. Originally it took the "librarian" a lot of time to give me a reservation because she somehow still doesn't know how to use the system even though she's been here for months. She has no name on her name tag. People have stopped wearing name tags who used to wear them or they have been made generic. They did provide level of accountability. Who needs that?

Edited by Luminosity, 21 May 2013 - 05:10 AM.