167 replies to this topic

[Luminosity]

I was in a special place praying. The people who keep that place gave me a look. It bugged me. I never did anything to them. They are supposed to be holy. One of them was wearing knee socks. Dude, whatever your problem is, I don't think it's me.

Edited by Luminosity, 10 June 2013 - 02:48 AM.

[Luminosity]

The alternative newspaper in my county went out of business after two decades. They were the only independent print newspaper. The daily paper drove them out of business with evil monopolistic practices. This is heavy. They were an independent voice and there is a lot of corruption and graft here. Now the only print newspaper is controlled by the people they are supposed to hold accountable. Whoa. Back to another century. Heavy. Feel bad. I wanted to write the for alternative paper but they were so dysfunctional. Lots of drug addicts and flakiness . . . maybe it will be resurrected in a better format because I couldn't write for them before.

[Luminosity]

There's so much denial here. Incompetent cooks and restaurant owners are ruining the food supply by making bad decisions, sometimes very small ones. Then they deny that it is happening. Most people just keep eating there although a certain percentage drop out. The restaurant may then go out of business all the while pretending that there was nothing wrong. A Mediterranean restaurant started serving undrained fries sopping wet with grease after decades of not doing that, then they started serving something else undercooked. They just act like I am making this up. I ate there since the mid-eighties under three owners. Why would I make that up? It's not esoteric. What is this about?

Sad. So I ate the same thing I always eat at a diner. It's not very healthy.

[Luminosity]

I left my home to try to enjoy my day. I was feeling like I was going ahead in life. Then I saw a notice of something that I didn't want to see. I feel like I have to do a flurry of activity to combat it to protect my health. But it's like wrestling with a pig. I don't want to do it. I don't want to get caught up in it. Ick. I am tired of having worthless people define my life and steal my time. Worthless people suck. I want G_d to take care of it. I think he can but I don't trust enough yet, so I'm contemplating coming down from my cloud to a joyless zone and using all my energy to battle with idiots. Trying to get idiots to do what you want is frustrating. I wanted to enjoy my day but this brought me down and it seems deliberate. I want the Creator to step in an make a solution to this so I don't have to struggle like this anymore.

[Luminosity]

The music where I do my computing. It's some kind of James Brown type song now. I just hate this. I could function if not for that.

[rwac]

Consider getting some headphones, maybe.

Edited by rwac, 23 July 2013 - 01:41 PM.

[Luminosity]

Nice to see you around, rwac.

Edited by Luminosity, 25 July 2013 - 04:14 AM.

[Luminosity]

I was at the Library. It's almost like a swear word. And version of Word they have sucks. You can't find a command for single spacing, and the default seems to be on double-spacing. You can't find a spell and grammar check command unless without help. How stupid is that? Bill Gates is the devil. Microsoft products are created to mess with you on a sub-atomic level. The default search engine there is Bing, and they also don't give you access to your history that you can find. If you type Google.com into Bing, it doesn't take you to Google. But if you type Google.com into a Google search box, it does.

So many unnecessary problems. I feel abused and disrespected. I didn't even do my copying yet. I feel pulled in a thousand different directions. I want to scream and yell. Fuck you you library idiots! Fuck you for taking all my time. I hate you. Why are you doing this? I feel like Gulliver. And the thing is, if I pull out that leaves thousands of other people without effective access information or a voice. And they are the most struggling ones. So if you see someone living on a park bench all the resources they might need to make that not happen come through a fake portal that eats up all their energy. Where I live many people are homeless, mentally ill or struggling. So I can leave but I will be encountering all the others who the state fails to help everywhere I go. Computer access is one small thing that people need but it is the prequisite for so many other things.

I sometimes want to campaign for the library to clean up its act here but I know that they will probably not change. I am the one who knows how it could be. I sometimes want to make a campaign of it but that seems like a bad use of my energy. The status quo is impossible, yet hard to walk away from. Makes me want to scream.

SSSCCCCREEEEEAAMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You fuckers!!!!!!

It's like a fucking miasma in there. I went outside to have a bite to eat and there was no shade. Just heavy oppressive air, rush hour traffic and merciless 5:00 o'clock sun. I sighed, got into my car and came to the mall. To shake off that miasma. I am at the computer store. I was on this site within seconds. I prefer the background music to that bullshit. I have to shake off the feeling that my words are worthless and my thought processes can be interrupted and hijacked every few minutes. That asshole, those fuckfaces. I hate them. They suck.

The homeless guy who is always here is next to me. He has some clean clothes today. He prefers to come to the computer store to the library. What does that tell you?

It is air conditioned in here. It is washing away the feeling of the library. It is a functional environment. It works. Wash away.

[Luminosity]

This thread is five pages long so I'll repost the ground rules:

please don't use this thread to write about this site.
supportive feedback only, please
please, no advice or criticism to the posters
no debating

Post don't have to make sense.

This intended to be a place to vent without having to explain oneself

Thanks.

Edited by Luminosity, 25 July 2013 - 06:14 AM.

[Luminosity]

I over did the exercise. I raised my weight limit after about two years using the same low weights. It seemed like time. But just doing that for one day made my joints all ache after trying to hard to get them better. I am so regretful and sorry. It sucks. Now, how long will I have to be dealing with this? Ugh. I didn't know that if your muscles can bear a little increased weight, they can be such a problem for your joints or ligaments.

Also, today I had a feeling I should go to the drugstore and get a snack and go to a movie, but I didn't. It seemed too far to walk, so now I'm going to the later movie but when I come out, there won't be any restaurants open. I didn't think of that. I should have done the first plan. Shit! Wish I had now.

[rwac]

I can't count the number of times I've wished that restaurants would stay open later...

[Luminosity]

.

Edited by Luminosity, 14 August 2013 - 05:12 AM.

[Esoparagon]

Brain fog

Edited by Esoparagon, 12 September 2013 - 11:53 AM.

[Luminosity]

Having to deal with the same oppression over and over again, and the same assholes and not getting helped from them. I hate it, and having to get a lawyer again. It's bothering me. I want there to be nice things around me.

[Luminosity]

I just found out my old lawyer died two years ago. He was only 62. I'm so sad. We had a falling out but I was going to try to see if it could be patched up. He was a good guy, there aren't enough like him, now he's gone. Why did he die at 62? They don't tell you anymore. He changed his address to what looked like a residential address some years ago. I thought he retired. Wow, a whole life goes by. I saw the picture from his memorial online , it was baby to father, lawyer, all of that. Wow. I didn't know. So young.

Edited by Luminosity, 31 October 2013 - 06:26 AM.

[Layberinthius]

I'm sad that I will probably spend the rest of my eternal youth alone without a partner. And that I'm still a virgin at 29, and that I'm polyamorous and pansexual and that none of this makes any sense with my fellow countrymen/women.

And that I live in Australia where nothing ever happens and most people are boring.

And that I loved someone for exactly 15 minutes in my entire life.

Thats whats bothering me right now. Everything else is in ship shape.

I can't count the number of times I've wished that restaurants would stay open later...

OMG, you are so right, why should they ever close? There is an entirely new market out there for people who stay up all night and sleep all day.

Edited by Layberinthius, 07 November 2013 - 05:52 AM.

[Luminosity]

I noticed what seems like some new damage to my car. I went to a new restaurant in a crowded part of town. I did a good job finding the place and finding parking. I let other drivers go ahead of me. I parked just right. It looks like someone hit my car while I was in the restaurant, although I'm not totally sure because there was some preexisting damage. They just drove away. There were two cars parked in back of me that were gone. There's white paint, which there was some of before but it looks like more and some red paint. It really looked worse than before. Wish I knew for sure. I feel sick, I feel let down. I could have skipped that restaurant. The city is getting so crowded that some neighborhoods are treacherous for parking even if you find a space. It wasn't meant to be that crowded. Fuck. I feel depressed and let down. You asshole. You fuckface. I hate you if you did that and drove away. I hate that. I would not have gone to that restaurant if I knew. It wasn't worth the burrito. I didn't even park illegally at the Safeway. Sure it seems like a nice place but what was going on outside? I feel it in my heart and my head. Thought I was doing good before that. I'm embarrassed by my car because it had other issues before that but I was trying to be proud of it, polish it up and be proud. Then this happens. It punctured a hole in my ego. I was feeling earlier that the city was kind of off kilter. There was an incident earlier but nothing came of it. I have been feeling empty and edgy lately, but I wash myself off and take myself out and things worked out o.k. until that. What happened? Was in the thing with the neighbor earlier? Did that throw the energy off? Was it hating on Obamacare on the TV all day? Or was it random? Do I control the universe? Now, I'm in a more prosperous, middle-class, educated, and spacious part of town. Is that what it takes? I thought going to the same place every day was boring. Do I dare to make an insurance claim? It's such a racket, such a mystery, what they will pay for. I never know.

Edited by Luminosity, 07 November 2013 - 06:10 AM.

[Layberinthius]

I feel for you on that, maybe you could sell up everything that you own and move to another place in the world without cars, I would LOVE to do that!

That thought keeps me alive :P

Edited by Layberinthius, 07 November 2013 - 07:58 AM.

[Luminosity]

Why do I do what I do?

I saw this woman. I know I should not talk to her for more than two minutes but she seemed sane, this time. Her dog was sweet. We got into a conversation.

She's basically been homeless and unemployed for over twelve years. She's a very intelligent Jewish woman who says she has graduate degrees, which she may have. Today, for the first time, there was an explosion of claims that she had a business managing musicians, that she was working for a realtor, or had worked in property management, or was teaching someone to be a realtor or property manager and had previously taught at a college, that she flew airplanes for fun, that she could petition for access to funds in a family trust fund and would inherit it when her mother died, that she had worked in a nursery, that she was taking care of everyone, and finding jobs and housing for everyone.

She was looking for a job on some public computers. She's a woman in her fifties who has been basically homeless and unemployed for over twelve years, and she is profoundly unreasonable. She used to engage in sudden verbal attacks against female friends. She's never going to be self-supporting and housed on her own, and maybe not even with help. I gently suggested that she apply for disability. She didn't want to hear that. I gently suggested that looking at one's past history with regard to earning a living and keeping a roof over one's head could show if she was able to do that. She insisted that she had been working for the past three years and that I didn't know her, I wasn't anyone to her. I've known her for twelve years. I've hung out with her plenty. She was mad at me and people who somehow thought she was broke and homeless. When I first knew her she was living in a white station wagon at a beach park with three dogs. She said that she actually had two boyfriends she was living with at the time and she pretended to live in her car to avoid making the boyfriends aware of each other. She claimed she only slept there during the day because she was so tired. At the time she was doing that I knew her and it was more than clear that she lived in her car. She claimed that no one could stay at that park overnight. That's true now but it wasn't then, and she should know that.

This woman is never not lucid and clear eyed. She claims she has or had three houses, one on the Marina, one with a view, and one somewhere else. Apparently these are homes of "boyfriends" or possibly men that are using her for sex. Right now she says she has a place but she can't be in it because the woman who lives there is irrationally jealous, thinking she is hooking up with the guy who lives there. Is that "having a place"? And how irrational is the jealousy? She says that for a while she was living on an eight acre farm in the country with a boyfriend. Then she was in Peru. All of this is said in a clear emphatic way. I saw one of the boyfriends and he was a good looking guy and he was into her. He was staying in a house he was working on across from the beach park. He had a girlfriend but he was looking to stray and they did. She had a group of construction workers that she hung out with at the beach park and there were mostly decent or good-looking guys she would drink with at the picnic tables. She had a way of talking provocatively that would interest men.

During the conversation she said that the guy with the Torino who used to park at the library overnight died. There was an elderly man who lived in his Torino and sort of pretended to have a car detailing business at the beach during the day. I saw him buying smokes and liquor at the drugstore at night. She said he died of emphysema. I had wondered if he got busted for parking at the library because I stopped seeing his car there. She said she sometimes used to park next to him and that she was taking care of him. She said she used to bring him three hamburgers at the beach and he would give her a dollar. I was surprised to hear that he died.

She parked next to him, at night, under the closed library. But she's not homeless.

She says she's full of professional possibilities, she wants to contribute, she wants to achieve. Her tone sounds grounded, not manic. If you didn't know her and you couldn't see her, you'd believe that was possible. She says she's not qualified for disability or psychiatric disability. (She is psychiatrically disabled. There are self-defeating behaviors, and interpersonal problems.) She said "if you don't work, you don't have a roof over your head." Strange because she is collecting unemployment, and has an unused Section 8 voucher, and probably gets food stamps and medicaid. Her clothes are old, all her things are worn out. The free business card for her music managing business had half the business name scraped off. She said she dresses like that that so people wouldn't expect anything from her. This is the first time in twelve years she tried to claim anything like that. As if you could work or have a business looking fairly homeless.

There were many complaints about crazy bosses, like a realtor who moonlighted as an escort and a landlord who kept her deposit and forged a check or accused her of accusing a check and on and on.

There was one hostile gambit after another coming at me. I don't think the people in the place we were in appreciated the conversation. I kept saying, I was trying to help you. I've known you for twelve years. I do know you enough to say. (Can you even use the "You don't know me." thing after twelve years?) You can just get the disability so you can have stability and a roof over your head. You don't have to take the medication. I don't like your tone. I've been trying to end this conversation for a while.

She kept complaining about people that thought they knew her, as if that was the problem. She said I had just come up to her and told her to get disability. I said, "Is that what happened?" Finally she said something about me trying to damage her confidence around Christmas. She said she was trying to find a job and support herself. As gently as I could, I said, "How real is that possibility?"

That's what I get for trying to connect her to a steady income and a roof over her head after twelve fucking years of living her car in plain view of everyone who knows her. Was it even possible to remain silent? Not really. I should have ended the conversation after two minutes. What was I thinking?

Earlier I had another encounter with someone that I wish I could redo. I met a guy at a restaurant. He owns a paratransit business, shuttling people with wheelchairs in vans. He noticed a folded up wheelchair in my backseat and we got to talking. He seemed friendly so we sat together. I told him to pick a table in the shade because the sun was brutal. He picked a table in the sun. The other one looked shady but he somehow thought it wasn't. I wish I had insisted we move to the other table because the whole time I was sitting there I was thinking I'm getting more sun spots, I'm getting more sun spots, but I didn't want to be too cranky.

I thought the conversation was innocent enough, especially considering how it started, but he seemed to be wanting to date me even, though he is married. It wasn't exactly stated, but it was likely. And then he started talking about how he had wanted to get a massage and I thought that something was going on with that and I wasn't happy with it. What a weird transition. Earlier when we were getting our meals, he said why don't we go somewhere "safe" and eat together. He suggested the parking lot of a car parts store that was closed or of a supermarket. The sun was so brutal that I thought it was something about that. I didn't think too much about it. He wasn't a good-looking guy. He sort of looked like Shrek, and he comes on like a nice guy, salt of the earth type, so I wasn't thinking it would go where it went. And I really really resent risking sun spots to talk to this guy. Wish I had been more cranky. Ugh. I felt like I was melting. I resent it, it makes me mad and I wish I hadn't done that. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I wish I had said something. I wish I had said something. I wish I had moved. Why did it have to go like that? What would make a guy like that think I was interested in him and what was he doing with me? He had two preschool kids at home, and wheelchair customers to transport. What was that? He seemed like such an old-fashioned country type guy like we had here in the old days, friendly, down to earth. Ugh. Guy, pick a lane and stay in it. And I want to give my sun spots back. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Yuck. Ick. Ugh. Urggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited by Luminosity, 12 December 2013 - 06:37 AM.

[Ark]

I want to drink ligers milk but the price is a bit to much for me, who here has tried it and can tell me if they liked it !!!!! P.S. it is over 700 dollars for a months worth... WOW http://www.nutraplan...iger/index.html

[fntms]

I would like to be able to take my favorite noots and stimulants (lion's mane, rasagiline, modafinil, cordyceps, gingko...) without having anxiety and palpitations... I miss the memory boost and drive to learn new piano tunes! (and also the extra work performance).
At the moment I am having to be on an "off everything" (except tianeptine) cycle...

[1kgcoffee]

I'm sad that I will probably spend the rest of my eternal youth alone without a partner. And that I'm still a virgin at 29, and that I'm polyamorous and pansexual and that none of this makes any sense with my fellow countrymen/women.

And that I live in Australia where nothing ever happens and most people are boring.

And that I loved someone for exactly 15 minutes in my entire life.

Thats whats bothering me right now. Everything else is in ship shape.

I can't count the number of times I've wished that restaurants would stay open later...

OMG, you are so right, why should they ever close? There is an entirely new market out there for people who stay up all night and sleep all day.

You're kidding right?
You live in Australia, one of the coolest, richest happening places in the world with awesome beaches and friendly people. If you care that much, put an add on craigslist.

[Luminosity]

Thanks for your posts fntms and Ark. Liger's milk isn't real liger's milk, is it?

Just a reminder on this thread we ask for supportive feedback only. Please don't advise or criticize the posters, debate or ask them to explain themselves. Posts don't have to make sense. This is intended to be safe place to vent.

Edited by Luminosity, 14 December 2013 - 05:41 AM.

[Ark]

;-)

[Luminosity]

I was supposed to do something really important today. I hardly had any breakfast because there was hardly any food in the house. Half my lunch was no good either so I was hungry and empty. I came to a mall to do the the important thing which was already too hard and heavy but now I'm hungry and weak. As I was driving it sounded like this woman critiqued my driving, she yelled "No hugging [or hogging?], it's Christmas." It's strange what people feel the need to yell to strangers. I drove in front of someone who was driving slowly. The move I made could be made by others towards me five times a day. It could be considered aggressive but is not at all unusual and I didn't snake someone else's parking spot. That was weird. Everyone has their own rules. It's weird to be scolded by a stranger [if that's what it was] when you consider yourself to be a decent person.

I developed a craving for gingerbread. Strangely, there's basically very little for sale in the way of Christmas cookies. I went into a large chain drug store. It's full of salty Asian snacks they are stocking specially for Christmas. While I like Asian food, I think Christmas cakes, and cookies and candies are special and enjoyed by all kinds of people. There used to be a lot of them around, often home-made. This was strange. When I asked a clerk if they had any gingerbread another clerk found this laughable. He laughed. I complained to the manager. That kind of thing is happening too often. It's probably racist, sexist, ageist etc., because I don't think there's anything particularly funny about what I said. We'll see how funny he thinks it is now.

So I went around the mall looking for gingerbread. The cooking store had stuff to make gingerbread houses. The cookie store said Subway had it. Subway said they did but they ran out on Wednesday. I went to the Without A Soul Foods. No gingerbread was visible. Most cookies came in giant plastic bins, cause apparently health foods sweets can only be purchased in mass quantities. A worker found some gingerbread in the back for me. He handed me a serving for three people for $6.00. I asked him to cut it smaller. Then I noticed the main ingredient was molasses, which was wrong. It sucked. I took it back but then I realized that their clerks had started receipt-withholding. They now ask you if you want a receipt and only if you say so do you get one. I didn't have one. So after talking to two people I got my money back. I was still hungry and empty. I went to use a computer but there was the umpteenth Christmas concert going on near where I wanted to use a computer. The house music was was still on too because supposedly the people in the far end of this place couldn't hear the loud Christmas concert and needed to hear that house music or else, what? What would happen? I gave up and just noodled around on the internet. It sucks but I wasn't able to function in that environment. Why do we need background music everywhere? I wasted a day and I"m afraid. I feel afraid that forces are against me and I don't really want to do this thing, and the environment doesn't want me to function on a high level. That sucks. Fuck you noise! I hate you and your bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited by Luminosity, 16 December 2013 - 05:43 AM.

[Luminosity]

I was just at Whole Foods. There was a sample table with food samples on it. Behind it stood a young woman. I stood in front of it, expecting her to offer me a sample. She just looked at me warily. I stood there for an extra beat.

Then I asked, "Are those free samples?

She said, "Yes." still looking wary.

I said, "Can I have one?"

She said, "I have some unpasteurized cheddar from ____ (some place)." putting three pieces of it in a napkin and handing them to me and a similar packet to another woman.

The label said "Raw Milk." It was a perfectly ordinary piece of cheese. Didn't taste like the raw milk cheese they used to have at the co-op, which tasted fresher.

What the fuck. That was super-annoying. You bitch. Then when I was on the way out this other bitch I had trouble with was laughing with another employee. I wondered if they are talking about me behind me back. You Whole Foods bitches.

Edited by Luminosity, 02 April 2014 - 05:53 AM.

[Luminosity]

I thought I was getting to be more socially acceptable but stuff like that above throws me off. I washed my hair today and did all the stuff that should be helpful for that. I ironed my blouse. I do have undyed roots. Now I feel thrown off.

[lemonhead]

Ignore stupid store clerks. They are full of it.
I've noticed the sample givers at WF can be jerks, but I'm not sure if they are WF employees or if they work for the food distributor.
The checkout clerks are usually really nice, even when I gripe out about having to cook turkey on thanksgiving even though I hate it.

---
I have a lot of pain in my lower right abdomen. I can't tell if I have an appendicitis, ovarian cyst, or just more of my usual weird aches and pains. My temp is 99.4, but it's always a bit high. I guess if it gets worse I'll find out.

[Luminosity]

Thanks for the sympathy. She might have been an employee, though she isn't usually around the store. I think I remember her doing that with a wine tasting a while back.

I once had what you had. It turned out to be an ovarian cyst that I created by binging on sugar after having a colonic (don't ask). Hope it turns out to be nothing.

[Maecenas]

I hate high prices on fruits and vegetables. They should be very cheap as the cost of growing them is exteremely low, but capitalistic system requires food to be very expensive, especially healthy food.