167 replies to this topic

[Luminosity]

Thanks for all the great posts. I'm glad you came back, Trip. Sorry about the unfriendly cousin, Ark.

Rants are the inside of a person as they are. Please remember that posts here don't have to make sense. If you do choose to respond to another's post, please use kind words only. Please leave advice, criticism, debates and questions to other departments.

Thanks everyone for their participation.

[ViolettVol]

I'm bothered by really awful nightmares or lucid dreams - I keep falling from one to another on some nights - at some point I realize this is a dream but it's hard to wake up. They're scary. Tonight was such a night and I'm feeling very low.

[Droplet]

Place I'm attempting to book a room at that said they'd e-mail confirmation and didn't. They're also apparently going to call me back given they seem to hate e-mail so much but I'm guessing pigs will fly before that point.

[Luminosity]

I'm bothered by some disrespectful treatment. I deserve better. It makes me feel like not going out or not being myself. It sucks.

[ViolettVol]

Whats bothering me is I have huge dreams which everone tells me to temper down and has been telling me this for a long time and all that came from the tempering is I'm more frustrated and only maybe an inch closer to those dreams. My life without those dreams seem pointless and thereapists attepmt to tell me I shouldnt think in such extremes. And the only thing that reallly stops those dreams? Advancing age and sings of it I see. Might be most in my brain but ageism is real and it pisses me off! Why cant skin stay wrinkle free for forty years?

[Droplet]

. And the only thing that reallly stops those dreams? Advancing age and sings of it I see. Might be most in my brain but ageism is real and it pisses me off! Why cant skin stay wrinkle free for forty years?

At least there are people in this world that still dare to dream and even attempt to realise those dreams.

I do understand your frustrations though...it's like the whole world is sleep walking yet few souls dare to actually dream, let alone try to make dreams happen.

Edited by Droplet, 18 November 2011 - 12:57 PM.

[manic_racetam]

Whats bothering me is I have huge dreams which everone tells me to temper down and has been telling me this for a long time and all that came from the tempering is I'm more frustrated and only maybe an inch closer to those dreams. My life without those dreams seem pointless and thereapists attepmt to tell me I shouldnt think in such extremes. And the only thing that reallly stops those dreams? Advancing age and sings of it I see. Might be most in my brain but ageism is real and it pisses me off! Why cant skin stay wrinkle free for forty years?

Now we're striking chords! Yes, I can completely relate to this. I dealt with this subject extensively for two or three years as I tried to make something better of myself. When you dream big you scare the people around you, especially the people closest to you. This is especially discouraging because the people (family + close friends) that you need support from the most are the exact same people telling you that you're being unrealistic and that you should just "go to school, find a good job and have security".

My mom, brother and friends that had taken that path all encouraged me to dream smaller or that I needed to be "more realistic". My mom encouraged me to continue working at a grocery store and climb the corporate ladder there. I looked into in and if I dedicated my life to that grocery store I would reach a ceiling of 300,000/year. Money isn't the focus of my life but if I were to invest 40 years of my life into something that I'm not passionate about then it better have higher payouts than 300,000/year.

Luckily I found similar thinking supportive friends and I was able to continue on in the face of opposition. Now that I've drastically changed my life around and took a few risks that ended up in more fortunate circumstances I've gained support from my family and close friends... and thankfully no longer work where my soul was dying.

I think there are a few reasons that family attempts to hold you back. One reason is because idealistic dreaming reminds them of what they once were like and what they have now replaced with more "realistic" thinking and it makes them sad. Another reason is because they are afraid that if you don't accomplish your big dreams that you'll be disappointed and they want to protect you from being hurt. Also, if you were to succeed then it would devalue everything they have sacrificed for security and stability which would be empirical evidence that it may not have been worth their sacrifice.

So for the most part people react to lofty goals with patronizing and (unconsciously) selfish discouragement masked in a shroud the altruistic. But I'm not angry with how my family reacted to me choosing a path off the beaten track. I'm pretty sure it's a natural reaction to have.

Hope you're doing well today

[Luminosity]

ViolettVol,

I see you getting more in touch with your feelings and experiences and giving them expression. Good work.

[ViolettVol]

Seriously, talking with you guys on this forum i'm accomplishing more than the year I spent in talk therapy which was such a total waste of time.
manic-racetam - I get where you're coming from. Ever since I was 14 i consciously wanted to pursue a singing. acting = artistic career (in fact this tendency started even earlier when I got my first tape recorder at like 10). Anyhoo - when I finalyy articulted my dreams at 16 I was asssalted by my familys opinions how unrealistic these dreams were, who difficult it was to "break through" in the area I craved for - they did not downright forbid it, but the amount of fear and negativity they created made me change my career path completely - i got into languages - which I am ridiculously good at, I pick up languages like there's no tomorrow, co I went on to study linguistics and suffered every year of it. The fact youre good at sth does not mean you enjoy it. The only part of it I enjoy is english which I have learned to the leel i speak it now way before my friggin university studies. So after i finished the uni i was still too scared to pursue my artistic dream and family did not encourage it with all the problems that cropped out. But i'm 28 still wannna be a recording music star/actress and am attending a BASIC course in singing where if I had been supported from the beginning I could have been recording a demo RIGHT now. Recently my parents heard me sing and they were like "WOW, was this you?" And i was like yeah, thanks for screwing it up forme when I was a teenager and had a real chance. Now I feel too old and dont know what to do about this mentality. Must remember Susan Boyle I guess...I hate this aspect of psychology where you are told to bring your ddreams down to "realistic levels" How do you di that with artistic careeer and extreme longevity/immortality? DOES NOT FRIGGIN APPLY!!!

[Droplet]

I too love languages and study distance learning for fun and possibly for career advancement some day. I can't say I aspire to being anything in the same way that you do and in one sense I envy you for that. I would say that maybe your parents were protecting you from disappointment, as not everyone makes it as a big star and in today's celeb obsessed culture, fame is an aspiration of many. I personally would hate fame because I'm a private person but if that's what you want to aim for, I'd say as long as you have other options if it doesn't work, pursue it to the end. After all, there are examples like Susan Boyle that show that age isn't always an issue.

[ViolettVol]

Yeah language study is a of fun and broadesn ones perspective.cc I enjoy it even now, but bringing this to the level of being a translator...cost me years of work and now i regret those years which might have been spent pursuing my true passion - fear was a huge factor there. There is some vanity in evey person who is artistic i think, just to be recognized that what they do is good.In fact ithink every person, regardless of job wants that, but the form of recognition musicians and actors gets is so... how to say it - over the top - it goes right to your head. not just a handshake from the boss but applause from tons of people... the ability to present creations you are passionate about and not be booed but cheered on. Its like a high - when i perform some songs and get the bravos at the end its like the ultimate high for me - the emotion of the song or a role played and the feeling that i connected with so many people. its indescribable.Once i tasted it i just crave more. Susan Boyle gives me hope but i hope i can achieve sth before im her age. Just recording a cd bought by a few of my friends would be a huge success to me right now. Its a bit like a supernatural experience- this sharing of feeling in a song or film/theatrical preformance... a way to express your inner self. so precious and yet so exposed to judgement. I'm gonna keep at it even though it frustrates me when the business side comes in.

[mikeinnaples]

The general acceptance of death by society as a whole mainly due to the illusion of eternity falsely provided by religion.

That is what is currently bothering me.

[Droplet]

Yeah language study is a of fun and broadesn ones perspective.cc I enjoy it even now, but bringing this to the level of being a translator...cost me years of work and now i regret those years which might have been spent pursuing my true passion - fear was a huge factor there. There is some vanity in evey person who is artistic i think, just to be recognized that what they do is good.

I dabble in the odd creative thing and like the compliments I get but even if I were to do it as something other than a stress release thing, I would be one to hide behind my creations. If I were a singer/musician (fat chance cos I can't sing or play instruments) I think I'd wind up being an act like The Residents where they all wear masks and distort their voices so that no one truly knows who they are.

Edited by Droplet, 22 November 2011 - 10:01 PM.

[mikeinnaples]

There is some vanity in evey person who is artistic i think, just to be recognized that what they do is good.

There is an innate need to be recognized by every human being at thier core. I can agree with a statement like that.

Your statement though, I cannot agree with. Being artistic does not automatically imply recognition seeking and you cant be vain simply by receiving recognition without the intent to seek it.

[ViolettVol]

Yeah language study is a of fun and broadesn ones perspective.cc I enjoy it even now, but bringing this to the level of being a translator...cost me years of work and now i regret those years which might have been spent pursuing my true passion - fear was a huge factor there. There is some vanity in evey person who is artistic i think, just to be recognized that what they do is good.

I dabble in the odd creative thing and like the compliments I get but even if I were to do it as something other than a stress release thing, I would be one to hide behind my creations. If I were a singer/musician (fat chance cos I can't sing or play instruments) I think I'd wind up being an act like The Residents where they all wear masks and distort their voices so that no one truly knows who they are.

Hey that is also a nice idea - not basing anything on one's true look but a "construct" I think its cool. Then age plays no role whatsoever

[ViolettVol]

There is some vanity in evey person who is artistic i think, just to be recognized that what they do is good.

There is an innate need to be recognized by every human being at thier core. I can agree with a statement like that.

Your statement though, I cannot agree with. Being artistic does not automatically imply recognition seeking and you cant be vain simply by receiving recognition without the intent to seek it.

It depends on one defines as "vanity" if we define it as actively seeking recognition then I agree with you - not every artistic person does that. However if the recognition comes unsought, accepting it might not be vanity. And the innate human need for recognition need not be labeled as vanity as well, but sometimes is - by society. Sometimes admitting I want to sing/act makes people label me as vain. Hm, that bothers me:)

[mikeinnaples]

Sometimes admitting I want to sing/act makes people label me as vain. Hm, that bothers me:)

It should bother you. It is an unfair label.

[ViolettVol]

Sometimes admitting I want to sing/act makes people label me as vain. Hm, that bothers me:)

It should bother you. It is an unfair label.

Thanks. But so many people have a tendency to label. Have to learn to get over it though,

What bothers me today - yesterday I had a casting for an awesome advertisement and I so hated everything I did there, I felt like I made every mistake in the book, despite having learned so much, Might be just my paranoia, but I really hated myself. And I wanna get this SO MUCH, So insecure.
Totally had a downer today, a major one.

Plus, I hate that my face got saggy from weightloss and I hate myself in the mirror right now. :/

[Luminosity]

I gained weight from eating a normal amount of food. IT SUCKS! I only ate one helping of stuff at Thanksgiving. What is going on? (Do Not Answer That) I used to eat less than a normal person and I was overweight. I had to eat more because I was weak and tired but now I'm fatter but if I eat less I am inactive and barely alive. It sucks.

[manic_racetam]

I've been feeling really off today, which is discouraging since I've been experiencing such a comforting stability since starting to take Stablon last month. I'm guessing it's due to the adrafinil and pramiracetam that I took this morning that probably threw me off a bit. Also a couple close friends were having problems tonight and hanging out with them and trying to help them out got me sucked into their head space a little too much. Being unable to control my impulsive/compulsive behavior even after ceasing any addictive substances is really discouraging to me. I've been dealing with life so well recently and after finding myself in this familiar and negative headspace today I.... I don't know. I'm sure tomorrow will be better and I'm glad I have the network of friends in my life that I do but it just sucks to realize once again that I'm still avoiding dealing with the issues that would make me feel better once they're resolved. Maybe I'm afraid that things won't get better once they're resolved. I'm probably still being driven by fear. Really frustrating to feel like this, I feel like I'm falling back into the victim mindset which is not a helpful/healthy illusion to indulge in. Anyway, thanks for making this thread Luminosity.

[Verne]

A whole bunch of shit, really.

Edited by Verne, 27 November 2011 - 05:40 PM.

[Luminosity]

I'm completely pissed at my optometrist who game me a prescription without pupillary distance in it so I can't take it anywhere else. Very clever, but NOT because I will never go back to you again. And now I have to call her and ask for it but the prescription is about a month over one year old. She made her prescription only good for a year. It took me that long to get over the appointment with her and shop for glasses because she freaked me out with some bullshit.

I hate people who waste my time and give me extra errands to do. I will never go there again. Watch out for Sears optometrists, if they are all like this one. Who needs this bullshit? I could be ordering some glasses right now but I'm not. Cause of YOU, bad optometrist!

Fuck you!

[Luminosity]

Want to see a movie, but it's made by a Nazi. Melancholia got good reviews but it's THAT movie from the press conference at Cannes with the Nazi filmmaker. I was already not that jazzed about it because it looked like a risk, but I was going to give it a chance due to a lack of other options. But no. I don't think so. That sucks.

What's so difficult about making a movie that a person could go to on a Saturday? All the themes of death, depression, divorce, disease, and dysfunction have been explored and dealt with. Trust me, I attend film festivals. That's done. Cross it off your list and go back to making movies a person would want to watch, if you can do that. If not, get out of the film business. Write poetry, take drugs in your room, slit your wrists. You could arrange your death scene very filmically and leave your collection of scripts, or sick porn, to a special museum of some kind. Whatever it takes for you not to make one more movie about death and atrocities. I will personally deliver a lethal dose of drugs or to any depressed filmmaker who is on the verge of making another movie about death and poverty. Just call me.

Why does the popcorn cost five dollars and is coated with sludge? What food group is sludge in?

I want to go to movie on a Saturday and not be inundated with grief, and I want my snacks to be the way I want them. You jerks!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't make me kill you !!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited by Luminosity, 04 December 2011 - 06:03 AM.

[ViolettVol]

Want to see a movie, but it's made by a Nazi. Melancholia got good reviews but it's THAT movie from the press conference at Cannes with the Nazi filmmaker. I was already not that jazzed about it because it looked like a risk, but I was going to give it a chance due to a lack of other options. But no. I don't think so. That sucks.

What's so difficult about making a movie that a person could go to on a Saturday? All the themes of death, depression, divorce, disease, and dysfunction have been explored and dealt with. Trust me, I attend film festivals. That's done. Cross it off your list and go back to making movies a person would want to watch, if you can do that. If not, get out of the film business. Write poetry, take drugs in your room, slit your wrists. You could arrange your death scene very filmically and leave your collection of scripts, or sick porn, to a special museum of some kind. Whatever it takes for you not to make one more movie about death and atrocities. I will personally deliver a lethal dose of drugs or to any depressed filmmaker who is on the verge of making another movie about death and poverty. Just call me.

Why does the popcorn cost five dollars and is coated with sludge? What food group is sludge in?

I want to go to movie on a Saturday and not be inundated with grief, and I want my snacks to be the way I want them. You jerks!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't make me kill you !!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Luminosity, how I love you for that post!

[Luminosity]

And hugs to you Violett!

[ViolettVol]

I'm bothered by my own inability to make myself better which is mainly due to lack of self-discipline and lots of laziness.

Yet another day of mental anguish which I dulled by pills and a party in the evening instead of seeking more constructive ways to deal with problems.

I'm sick of it. I toy with an idea of my own self-improvement and keep holding on to the path of self- destruction.
Well, this will not be the case anymore. I'm determined to be honest with myself and finally face issues like an adult. It's the only way I can hope to extend my life, preserve my youth and save my face (both metaphorically and literally.

[Luminosity]

Good luck with that. I see you becoming more and more purposeful the more you find and express your feelings.

[Luminosity]

You're all invited to the other self-expression threads listed here:

http://www.longecity...ession-threads/

[Elus]

I'm bothered by my own inability to make myself better which is mainly due to lack of self-discipline and lots of laziness.

Yet another day of mental anguish which I dulled by pills and a party in the evening instead of seeking more constructive ways to deal with problems.

I'm sick of it. I toy with an idea of my own self-improvement and keep holding on to the path of self- destruction.
Well, this will not be the case anymore. I'm determined to be honest with myself and finally face issues like an adult. It's the only way I can hope to extend my life, preserve my youth and save my face (both metaphorically and literally.

Oh man, I can relate. As a science major in college, I can't afford to procrastinate. I have to get assignments done in a timely, efficient manner. However, I can't seem to get myself to do this. I am immensely interested in science, but I have great difficulty motivating myself to begin an assignment. Furthermore, I tend to sabotage my own success on academic tests by studying at the last moment. I've had plenty of time to study, and numerous opportunities have been given to me to allow me to succeed. Ultimately, I've failed to capitalize on those opportunities because I don't have enough motivation to start working.

I want to change and improve, and I'm trying to eliminate my chronic procrastination in multiple ways. For instance, I am attemping to improve my study habits by making task lists and breaking up assignments into smaller, more manageable chunks. Additionally, I switch my study locations so I can remove myself from my distraction-laden dorm room. I'm also trying various substances which have motivation boosting properties. I've had mild success with modafinil which increases my energy levels, and I've ordered some deprenyl so I can try it out. Deprenyl inhibits an enzyme in the brain, MAO-B, which breaks down dopamine and may thus promote an increase in dopamine in the brain. I'm hoping boosting dopamine levels will help increase my motivation to complete work.

I have a feeling my procrastination may be rooted in some obscure form of depression, though I have not been formally diagnosed with the condition, nor do I feel particularly sad all the time. I do get upset when I don't do well academically, but I'd say I'm fairly happy most of the time. I will get several blood tests checking for thyroid function, vitamin D, and mercury levels (I eat a lot of fish which may contain it) in a few weeks. I have a feeling these tests will yield unremarkable results because I try to keep a reasonably healthy diet, supplement with vitamin D, and I am fairly young. I want to be sure though; if anything is wrong, then chemical intervention for my condition is possible and may be effective.

Ultimately, if chemical and disciplinary modulation of my procrastination fails, I will need to seek an area of study outside of science that is less difficult for me to succeed in. This will be horrible for me, because academia is the only thing that I see myself doing at this point in my life. Sure, I can flip burgers, do managerial work, or even head into economics to make money. However, I have dreamed of being on the cutting edge of science, fighting with Aubrey and friends to make aging and disease a thing of the past. It would be deeply saddening for me if I cannot translate my ambitions into a tangible reality just because I am not able to focus on completing my academic work.

Edited by Elus, 06 December 2011 - 07:32 PM.

[Droplet]

I admire your ambitons, Elus. I sometimes wish I had ambitions I cared about enough to invest everything. Other times I think I'm blessed to be so simple to be happy as long as I earn.