Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:27 PM
Hi, yes I mentioned the lists in my previous post, that I didn't relate strongly to any of them, but could relate to being in a situation that decreased overstimulation and increased physical factors for relaxation.
Wanting is difficult. Family members have held things over my head as a "motivation", but they don't understand it just doesn't work. Do you want to go on a vacation? Do you want a new (fill in the blank)? I don't really care one way or the other, and in fact, things that involve one-time experiences (concerts, trips, etc.) I do not want to experience at this time, as my capacity for enjoying things is so blunted. I do sometimes want things that will make day to day tasks easier, or to try a new supplement, etc. I also will sometimes set up a plan in my head for the day's schedule. I feel satisfied when I can organize things, so if I figure out a route in my head that makes it easy to get my errands done and also pass by a restaurant that I haven't been to, that gets closer to "wanting" something for me. If a place is closed on the route, my routine gets thrown off and I can get upset. But it's not necessarily very strongly like, "I am so looking forward to getting to that restaurant when my chores are done!" but, "I planned this out, and I have to go from point A to B to C for it to be complete".
Sorry if this is still unclear and doesn't make a ton of sense. It's confusing for me too, because I don't know what things used to be like. I'm fairly certain there is something wrong though. I may have a few instances where the traditional definition of anhedonia may lift a bit, but it's usually motivated by something else than "pleasure" (sense of organization, duty, impulse). It's all very difficult.
One thing I was thinking about that I'd like to discuss is anhedonia and addiction. I have had friends who have had addictive personalities across the board. If it wasn't strict substance abuse, they'd turn to something else that was just as damaging. Mental Illness and addiction often go hand in hand, and I know this, because I am harassed by doctors/etc. continually about dispensing medications. At this point some of the only things I haven't tried are the "dangerous" things, like opiates and stimulants. But my whole life, pretty much across the board, I have never ever had issues with addiction of any kind. I don't drink (never had), had no interest in substances, and even things like caffeine and benzos never phased me. Part of this could be that I'm crappy at responding to any sort of substance, but I never had addictive tendencies in any area of my life, other than perhaps video gaming, but it wasn't to the point where one would call it an "addiction". Interestingly enough, I lost the ability to play any kind of video game, even small ones on my phone, post amnesia. I'm not sure why. Having this change would be a huge indication that something was lifting in my anhedonia. I don't know if I could say that it gave me pleasure right before the memory loss (I apparently was still playing them right up until my ECT) but in the past it had, and I was able to start up the game and continue in it. I've lost that ability.
Anyway, I always get comments on how unusual this is with my diagnosis (you're sure you never drank? you're sure you never were a drug addict?), so I wonder if this could be related to anhedonia/dopamine? Not at all saying that I *want* to have addiction, but the fact that I'm basically unable and have always been unable to have it I guess is somewhat unusual. Alternatively, I wonder if people with anhedonia have gotten into cycles with addiction more out of habit than out of pleasure, and then they find it difficult to stop. But since those with anhedonia have trouble starting and engaging in events, the likelihood may be less?
Just something I was thinking about - if anyone feels that they have a similar story to share or thoughts, please do.