90 replies to this topic

[Tom_]

I was right, you're being sarcastic. depersonalization isn't a strange disorder. DID and frontal lobe tumors are rare and he certainly isn't showing signs of either.

[BioFreak]

Joel, I think I might have a very simple clue on what you actually have.

Think about it. Everything was fine until you got mobbed, right?

The symptoms point to some type of strong anxiety, no psychosis or the like. It is most likely that you have suffered from posttraumatic stress syndrome or something similar, triggering strong anxiety that causes you to think "they're watching me" etc. Your voices are probably the strongly imprinted memories of yourself at the time of mobbing, AND of those mobbing you. Take a look at those thoughts, from who could they originate - based on the time of mobbing at work? Maybe some from the further past too, where you got criticised?

Symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder for example also include physical pain.

Basically what you want is not to suppress your thoughts, but to resolve them. They probably only serve the purpose of "warning you" before anything happens, and this system is totally wrecked. In fact, your brain right now is in fight or flight mode. The thoughts, the pain. The paranoia is a form of anxiety - you could be under the same terror from when all this started at ANY TIME (thats what you think when having paranoia) so this is fear, making you ultra sensitive to your surroundings.

But you do not only want to resolve your thoughts. You also have to resolve the memories from that time. Both is key so you can be back to your old self in the present AND future.

And the aggression is the SAME thing. Fight or flight. If you are not in flee mode, you are in fight mode. Every time you are aggressive. You fear that the same might happen again, but when you are aggressive, you decide to stay and fight the evil, so to speak.

Basically the situation where you got mobbed never ended in your head. On the contrary, the longer it exists in your head, unresolved, the more problems you have in your life, increasing the whole problem. Thats why its getting worse over time. That, and probably depletion of catecholamines in the long term because you are in constant fight or flight mode. This may play a role in pain too, since catecholamines play their role in pain, and other chemicals that also play a role in related systems.

Who did that to you? Well, thats pretty obvious, the people who were mobbing you. So you are right, someone did this to you.

The question now is, if my hypothesis is right, how to resolve the problem. You basically have to resolve this past, you have to build up new ways of thinking (similar to before this time). You also need to work a lot on relaxation techniques, and get a feeling for when you are in fight or flight mode, and when you are truly relaxed.

CBT is very good for changing your present thinking patterns and reactions. However, they will not resolve the problems with your past.

[CLR]

It is definitely possible that these are symptoms of OCD. These thoughts give you anxiety, which in turn may aggravate the thoughts even more. This is the vicious circle of OCD and obsessional thoughts.

Not trying to hijack the thread, just going to offer an anecdote that might stimulate some thoughts that might be relevant. After suffering from a panic attack in which I believed I developed serotonin syndrome as a result of a Methylene Blue-Amphetamine interaction (Adderall), my heart rate increased and I could not stop focussing on my breathing. I went to the emergency room where I was given neurological tests to rule out SS (the cheese effect), and the physician told me I had a panic attack. The breathing focus remained. After research I discovered that my breathing focus was a form of OCD called sensorimotor OCD, which involves intrusive thoughts of bodily sensations (breathing, blinking, bladder fullness, etc.).

It was acute for the first month, reinforced by the idea I had in my head that it would not go away--causing the cyclical anxiety/obsession. But, worst of all, my obsessional research kept it in power over my mind. I scared myself after reading stories of individuals who suffered from this for years on end, even lifetimes. It's been about two months since all of this happened, and the symptoms/anxiety have markedly lessened--from thinking about it ~15 to 20 times per day to ~2 to 3 times per day. I am hoping that this number goes to the point of complete mental purging.

What I've found helpful were positive words from my girlfriend and family, followed by not researching cases of other people and keeping my mind and actions on other, more important and productive things. Preoccupation and avoidance of laziness also help a lot. I realized that only the most severe cases of OCD were those on the internet, outliers in comparison to the thousands of people that get stricken with OCD precipitating from anxiety attacks, stress, psychoses, etc. My girlfriend told me she had a similar sensorimotor obsession at one point of high anxiety, in which she couldn't stop focussing on her heartbeat. She told me it went away within 3-4 months.

In my experience, I have not identified any environmental/external triggers of such intrusive thoughts, but in my specific sensorimotor OCD, internal triggers such as strenuous activity and hearing my breathing while being sedentary (sitting, laying in bed, quiet environments) have drawn my attention to it. Some moments, though, when I am not thinking about it at all, it strikes-- I believe might be related to memory (what I like to call the backburner effect) where the thoughts are ever-present in the back of our mind because of the constant emphasis we've placed on them.

This could most certainly be analyzed from a biochemical perspective, and I would be curious to hear any information from the biochemical/pharmacologically-informed what substances might be effective in sequestering such intrusive thoughts. One such compound that I know is implicated in *negative* memory suppression is propanolol (not to be confused with propofol), in the case that intrusive thoughts are linked to memory. Electroconvulsive therapy may also be a plausible form of treatment, and it is a commonly practiced today contrary to what most may think (but I do not know whether or not it is neurodegenerative).

Edited by CLR, 16 May 2013 - 05:02 AM.

[Heh]

It is definitely possible that these are symptoms of OCD. These thoughts give you anxiety, which in turn may aggravate the thoughts even more. This is the vicious circle of OCD and obsessional thoughts.

Not trying to hijack the thread, just going to offer an anecdote that might stimulate some thoughts that might be relevant. After suffering from a panic attack in which I believed I developed serotonin syndrome as a result of a Methylene Blue-Amphetamine interaction (Adderall), my heart rate increased and I could not stop focussing on my breathing. I went to the emergency room where I was given neurological tests to rule out SS (the cheese effect), and the physician told me I had a panic attack. The breathing focus remained. After research I discovered that my breathing focus was a form of OCD called sensorimotor OCD, which involves intrusive thoughts of bodily sensations (breathing, blinking, bladder fullness, etc.).

It was acute for the first month, reinforced by the idea I had in my head that it would not go away--causing the cyclical anxiety/obsession. But, worst of all, my obsessional research kept it in power over my mind. I scared myself after reading stories of individuals who suffered from this for years on end, even lifetimes. It's been about two months since all of this happened, and the symptoms/anxiety have markedly lessened--from thinking about it ~15 to 20 times per day to ~2 to 3 times per day. I am hoping that this number goes to the point of complete mental purging.

What I've found helpful were positive words from my girlfriend and family, followed by not researching cases of other people and keeping my mind and actions on other, more important and productive things. Preoccupation and avoidance of laziness also help a lot. I realized that only the most severe cases of OCD were those on the internet, outliers in comparison to the thousands of people that get stricken with OCD precipitating from anxiety attacks, stress, psychoses, etc. My girlfriend told me she had a similar sensorimotor obsession at one point of high anxiety, in which she couldn't stop focussing on her heartbeat. She told me it went away within 3-4 months.

In my experience, I have not identified any environmental/external triggers of such intrusive thoughts, but in my specific sensorimotor OCD, internal triggers such as strenuous activity and hearing my breathing while being sedentary (sitting, laying in bed, quiet environments) have drawn my attention to it. Some moments, though, when I am not thinking about it at all, it strikes-- I believe might be related to memory (what I like to call the backburner effect) where the thoughts are ever-present in the back of our mind because of the constant emphasis we've placed on them.

This could most certainly be analyzed from a biochemical perspective, and I would be curious to hear any information from the biochemical/pharmacologically-informed what substances might be effective in sequestering such intrusive thoughts. One such compound that I know is implicated in *negative* memory suppression is propanolol (not to be confused with propofol), in the case that intrusive thoughts are linked to memory. Electroconvulsive therapy may also be a plausible form of treatment, and it is a commonly practiced today contrary to what most may think (but I do not know whether or not it is neurodegenerative).

I think the typical treatment of 18g Inositol and 3g Niacin (with 3g Vitamin C and 1g Vitamin B5) split into 3 dosages per day will help you. I've already tried that without luck, but it seems to work for a lot of people.

[CLR]

It is definitely possible that these are symptoms of OCD. These thoughts give you anxiety, which in turn may aggravate the thoughts even more. This is the vicious circle of OCD and obsessional thoughts.

Not trying to hijack the thread, just going to offer an anecdote that might stimulate some thoughts that might be relevant. After suffering from a panic attack in which I believed I developed serotonin syndrome as a result of a Methylene Blue-Amphetamine interaction (Adderall), my heart rate increased and I could not stop focussing on my breathing. I went to the emergency room where I was given neurological tests to rule out SS (the cheese effect), and the physician told me I had a panic attack. The breathing focus remained. After research I discovered that my breathing focus was a form of OCD called sensorimotor OCD, which involves intrusive thoughts of bodily sensations (breathing, blinking, bladder fullness, etc.).

It was acute for the first month, reinforced by the idea I had in my head that it would not go away--causing the cyclical anxiety/obsession. But, worst of all, my obsessional research kept it in power over my mind. I scared myself after reading stories of individuals who suffered from this for years on end, even lifetimes. It's been about two months since all of this happened, and the symptoms/anxiety have markedly lessened--from thinking about it ~15 to 20 times per day to ~2 to 3 times per day. I am hoping that this number goes to the point of complete mental purging.

What I've found helpful were positive words from my girlfriend and family, followed by not researching cases of other people and keeping my mind and actions on other, more important and productive things. Preoccupation and avoidance of laziness also help a lot. I realized that only the most severe cases of OCD were those on the internet, outliers in comparison to the thousands of people that get stricken with OCD precipitating from anxiety attacks, stress, psychoses, etc. My girlfriend told me she had a similar sensorimotor obsession at one point of high anxiety, in which she couldn't stop focussing on her heartbeat. She told me it went away within 3-4 months.

In my experience, I have not identified any environmental/external triggers of such intrusive thoughts, but in my specific sensorimotor OCD, internal triggers such as strenuous activity and hearing my breathing while being sedentary (sitting, laying in bed, quiet environments) have drawn my attention to it. Some moments, though, when I am not thinking about it at all, it strikes-- I believe might be related to memory (what I like to call the backburner effect) where the thoughts are ever-present in the back of our mind because of the constant emphasis we've placed on them.

This could most certainly be analyzed from a biochemical perspective, and I would be curious to hear any information from the biochemical/pharmacologically-informed what substances might be effective in sequestering such intrusive thoughts. One such compound that I know is implicated in *negative* memory suppression is propanolol (not to be confused with propofol), in the case that intrusive thoughts are linked to memory. Electroconvulsive therapy may also be a plausible form of treatment, and it is a commonly practiced today contrary to what most may think (but I do not know whether or not it is neurodegenerative).

I think the typical treatment of 18g Inositol and 3g Niacin (with 3g Vitamin C and 1g Vitamin B5) split into 3 dosages per day will help you. I've already tried that without luck, but it seems to work for a lot of people.

Wow, many thanks Joel!! I will definitely give this a shot. Anything that could reduce this OCD-related anxiety would be a godsend.

[jakord]

What helped me most with my somewhat paranoid, intrusive thoughts and general ocd-symptoms is memantine. It helped much better than any SSRI without all the negative side effects.
I'm not the only one memantine have helped a lot in that regard, just search for ocd + memantine and you'll find many positive reports.
In addition to memantine, I'd look into some form of therapy, a mindfulness-based CBT like ACT-Therapy fits best with OCD-like symptoms.

Edited by morpheus1990, 09 June 2013 - 06:35 PM.

[hippocampus]

I also recommend CBT + mindfulness (every day!), also try NAC if you haven't already.

[Mikael]

It sounds like pure o ocd to me. When ocd becomes bad enough it can be somewhat difficult to distinguish from psychosis but generally a person with ocd or pure o is NOT psychotic.

Have you done cbt with a therapist experienced in treating pure o? It's a very subtle disorder and requires a lot of skill from the therapist.

The gist of therapy is at any rate to first challenge the thoughts and try to make them worse, hence showing yourself (your brain if you will) that they are no cause of concern. This eventually too becomes a ritual and at that point the sufferer is best off simply letting the thoughts be there without trying to do anything about them really. A very buddhist-like approach really. Eventually the thoughts case little concern and by then they start to go away.

[Valor5]

I used to have intrusive thoughts. What I did is I dealt with it. Kind of like someone knocking on your door or some sort of stranger appearing. I did not panic. I remained calm. I might have even become friends with it Oh, its you again type of thing I realized these things come and go. They are like a beautiful women with some sort of blemish and you are trying to ignore that blemish. I had that happen to me before it was crazy. Perhaps I should have addressed it. Hey you have a blemish and I can't stop paying attention to it, what happened? You have to realize they come and go but they are not in control, you are.

[Heh]

Nothing works. Listen.. I'm not suffering from OCD or Schizophrenia, or anything else. I'm being (electronically?) harassed, and what's happening to me is closer to being voice-2-skull'd than anything else. Even with that I thought there would be some medication or supplement that would blunt out the area that processes this garbage, but it seems they've gone as far as to shut down my stomach or stop it from absorbing supplements/medication to prevent them from having any effect. I really don't care how it sounds. I'm sick of everyone telling me I'm losing it. I'm already diagnosed as having lost it. WTF are you saying? And with that in mind, none of this BS works. My life is over, and this is bullshit. Nothing makes this shit go away. More of my time is being wasted, and everyday is gets worse. This is bullshit.

Edited by Joel, 10 June 2013 - 09:04 PM.

[Godot]

Joel, if what you say is true then your best chance of getting help is probably to see a neurologist, so that they can assess what type of technology has been implanted into your head.

Alternately, if you do not trust the doctors, then perhaps you could turn to a trusted family member for help.

[glock]

Hello there heh/joel, I have been having this same issue for almost a year now, and I haven't found any other topic as related to it, but I finally found yours and it is almost exactly like what I'm experiencing. Everything you describe, it's like we have the same life. Throughout my life, normally I could block unwanted thoughts by simply changing them, some more intense thoughts took longer to get over, but eventually I could by willpower, now I can not, no matter what I do. These thoughts are completely taking over and controlling me. And as you said, it surfaced from 'harassment'. The harassment is someone so quick to judge or misinterpret every one of your actions or words, and then use them against you. Normally I could just shrug them off, because I felt like I "knew" the truth, but now those negative thoughts from the harassment are plastered in my head, stuck in a endless repeated loop, to the point I'm now believing the things this person has said/harassed me about. It started almost a year ago, it slowly began to build up, and then one day when I woke up, it just became like a normal thought pattern, and just gets worse and worse. I'm now to the point where it's hard to do anything at all, whether type this right now, read, watch TV, play a game, have a conversation with people, without these thoughts completely stopping or taking control of my focus and train of thoughts. If I didn't have the people in my life or the little things to distract me, I would of probably walked in moving traffic or jumped off my 2 story apartment balcony by now because this is driving me insane. I've tried everything just about everything like you listed, from all kinds of anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, anxiety meds, stimulants, vitamin supplements, mineral supplements, herb and homeopathy supplements, allergy and sinus medicine, from fish oil, niacin, 5htp, inositol, lithium, NAC, the list goes on. Some stuff have worked for a day or two then just stopped working. Others haven't worked at all or have made it worse. Now, it's like you said, it's to the point as if my body refuses to absorb any of it. Most stuff make no kind of difference now, or some stuff I can feel the effects for a few hours to a few minutes, and then that's it. I mean it sounds so ridiculous, that I'm even laughing to myself about it. A lot of this stuff have worked normally in the past like you said, now they have no effect at all.

 

Some other symptoms I noticed you mentioned having that I can describe is like having pressure/tension on your sides or in your stomach. I often have chest burns, either it feels like acid (can sometimes feel it in my throat), or it feels like either my right side of my chest is burning, or the left side where my heart is is very tense or on fire. I've tried different otc medicines for heartburn, and they can remove the acid in my throat, but the chest burn doesn't stop. And I sometimes get this sharp prick feeling all over my body, as if someone is poking me or something is crawling on me, it seems to come and go, but recently has been happening more frequently. It's just all so aggravating.

 

Another thing you describe, is the sound/noise thing. It isn't so much as hearing voices (literally another person there talking to you) but sometimes I can hear other noises and sound in white noise type sound, like whether an AC, Fan, Water running, etc. And it just freaks me out.

Or the visual disturbance part of it, I don't believe you said you experienced this, but often when I'm watching TV, I look at a wall after looking at the TV, and then I see somewhat of a image on the wall of what was just on TV, and then it fades out. This happens frequently.

 

I've talked to doctors and pretty much described to other people my symptoms and what I'm going through, and no one understands. Once I could function among people and live life normally, now I feel like I'm some kind of freak and will never live happily again. The main thing that has helped me cope the most is alcohol, and then it don't even completely stops the symptoms, the intrusive thoughts are still there, but alcohol just numbs me down to the point where they're far less bothersome. And I have to take up to 6 to 12 shots of liquor to feel at ease, people around me are afraid I'm becoming an alcoholic. They just don't understand what I'm going through.

 

You made this thread 2 years ago, and I'm typing this now, hoping you respond, very curious to know how things are for you now, because I'd like to know if you have found a solution, or at least a much better way to cope and deal with this issue.

Edited by glock, 20 September 2015 - 06:50 PM.

[Godot]

Glock, I sincerely hope you will do what Joel did not want to do at the time this thread was active (and which I hope he did finally do) -- which is to see a psychotherapist.

 

Don't get bogged down to much with what type of therapy they're administering, just go to a therapist and attend sessions regularly and follow their directions. That will be your best chance of feeling better.

[glock]

I don't want to sound rude, but this is clearly more than just a mental/psychological thing. It's like my brain and body have been rewired. It doesn't work the same, I don't know how else to explain it. I've had blood work done, had an MRI on my chest area and nothing abnormal is found. All results are normal. I've talked to numerous different doctors about this issue and either they have little to no solutions or simply don't care. To them, I am just a "patient", and they're just trying to deal with me, so they can get paid and live their career's worth. There has to be some kind of infusion or something, some solution, and I'm desperate to know if anyone has found it. My current and last resort is marijuana (I apologize if this forum doesn't allow to speak of such a substance) but I know it has done powerful things for me in the past, whether made me more depressed by seeing more and understand things about my life I shouldn't have, or make me extremely happy by blocking out any kind of negativity. All I know, it's the most powerful substance I've had before, and it has done altering things to my health. It is my last resort that I know of, and I'm trying to get a hold of some now. Again, I apologize in advance. If I can't get a hold of some or if it doesn't work, then my life is officially over. I am going to die an alcoholic.

[Godot]

Glock -- to say that this is not "just" a mental or psychological issue radically underestimates the power of the mind to create and modify experiences. Every sensation, perception, emotion, motivation, and thought that you have are controlled by a powerful, predominantly unconscious mental apparatus.

 

Think about this -- if alcohol and cannabis make you feel better, how is it that they do so? Are they altering the biomechanics of some underlying disease process? Nope, they are making you feel better by altering your mood and perceptual awareness. Psychotherapy can do the same thing on a much more permanent basis.

 

If nothing else, wouldn't it be worth trying this type of treatment rather than simply declaring "my life is over"?

[glock]

If it was only psychological based then all it would take is simple thoughts and willpower to control and overcome it. As I've stated in my first post and joel has stated it before, being self-aware and able to overcome negative thoughts and feelings is all apart of psychology. I know how it feels because that was something that I was capable of naturally experiencing and capable to overcome. This is different. It's like you no longer have primary control over your thoughts and thought patterns, it's planned and tattooed in your skull. It can't be schizophrenia or bi-polar or any kind of psychosis because I've taken numerous things for that, even multiple anti-psychotics at the same time with little to no effect. I believe this is something far more than psychological based, it is something that is actually altered in my anatomy. Doctors just haven't discovered it yet. I've had therapy before in the past and it does absolutely nothing for me. It's like talking to a stranger and they don't talk to you on a personal level, they don't state facts or make you deal with facts that will draw you to actual solutions, they just ask you questions and try to pepper you up to make you cope within their procedure. I appreciate your help however.

[Godot]

If it was only psychological based then all it would take is simple thoughts and willpower to control and overcome it.

 

There's no way you can substantiate that view. Every night millions of people experience the reality that anxiety and stress "keep them up at night" and there is nothing they can possibly do to force their bodies to go to sleep. No amount of thoughts and willpower can make you fall asleep when you're troubled, can they?

 

Every day millions of ordinary people who aren't schizophrenic or bipolar or any other bogeyman label get songs stuck in their heads that simple thoughts and willpower are unable to do away with -- even though there is no major emotional reason for the intrusion. So why is it so difficult to believe that an emotionally charged thought couldn't do the exact same thing much more powerfully?

 

Every healthy person has had the experience of acting in a particular way without really understanding why until much later. Haven't you been irritable with someone before you recognized that something was bothering you?

 

Each of us has innumerable preferences and dispositions that don't make any logical sense -- why should you prefer the taste of green apples versus red ones, when another person prefers the opposite? Why should you be attracted to a particular type of person, when another person is repelled by the same qualities? There's no way you can possibly say. The motivations for these things all plainly exist in your mind, because you can see yourself acting on them, you can see your perceptions being controlled by them, but they are not consciously available to you. There is more mental activity going on in your own brain that you are not unaware of, than there is mental activity that you are aware of.

 

Your difficulty in recognizing the limitations of your control over the unconscious processes that constitute your mind are a character trait that specifically predisposes you to OCD. The obsessive compulsive character is one driven to control the self and the environment. This type of character is classically referred to as "anal retentive", reflecting this preoccupation with self control and the inevitable frustration (and, potentially, decompensation) when one comes up against the boundaries of personal control.

 

If you had a poor experience in therapy, try another therapist.

[glock]

Because I've already experienced all of this. If you have days, weeks, or months of depression or feeling miserable, sad, lonely, rejected and/or angry, you eventually get over it and it passes. Strong minded people get over it by eventually becoming self-aware of those thought patterns, by either recognizing their own actions or by people pointing it out and/or talking to people on how to be better. They are able to change those thoughts with willpower, some people need the aide of medications. But it's a process that eventually stabilizes for most people. I know, because I been through this and I know how it feels, both on and off medication. Now it's different. It's like these thoughts have been drilled into my skull. I can recognize them but it has become my natural thought pattern. I have to forcefully think outside these thoughts or else my mind is literally stuck on them, trying to replay them in my head in different tones, whether they sound more harsh or more humorous, even I'm sometimes forced to speak the thoughts out loud. Even when I force myself, as I described before, I could be fixated on a thought that I find enjoyable and then after a few seconds to a few minutes those unwanted thoughts will completely surface and take over. It never stops. And then you have the more physical symptoms I've mentioned, plus the audio and visual disturbances. People can easily point towards OCD, Schizophrenia, or some kind of anxiety, psychosis, or psychological related disorders, but as I described before, literally no kind of medication or supplement works to help fight it. I've taken medications or supplements in the past before and they've worked as advertised, now literally nothing works. Stimulants in the past for example would make me extremely happy and positive, now they make the thoughts even worse and completely unbearable. This has got to be some kind of alteration in my anatomy. The way I think and process information has changed. My ability to express, feel, and detect emotions have changed. Multiple people have told me that my personality is different. So many things have changed. If it were more because of a psychological thing, it will be like not caring or choosing to express correct or certain emotions, but this is more like being selected to express those emotions, whether they exist or don't. Clearly anatomy.

 

I've had multiple therapist before, about four to be exact, from women to men and it's the same thing. They all go by procedure. I found women to be easier to talk to, especially one who was young and pretty, but that's about as far as it goes.

Edited by glock, 21 September 2015 - 09:07 PM.

[Area-1255]

HEH

I also have some similar issues, intrusive thoughts since a child; but I've grown to sort of dismiss most of them. 

My suggestions are to lower the 'potency' of the thoughts biochemically; and use logic to crumble the legitimacy of what remains.

Ashwagandha + TestForce II (DAA + Sarcosine) is my recommendation.

Ashwagandha is a glycine site agonist and DAA stimulates the NMDAR-ionic-glutamate complex. 

Also you Pitolisant ; a histamine H3 antagonist sold @ tht.co helps a lot with clarity and OCD - histamine H3R negatively modulates NMDA activity and histamine activity as well as GABA, serotonin , dopamine etc...it also blocks side-effects from antihistamines and augments pretty much any other medication or supplement you take. 

 

Asian Pac J Trop Med. 2012 May;5(5):380-4. doi: 10.1016/S1995-7645(12)60063-7.

Influence of Withania somnifera on obsessive compulsive disorder in mice.

Kaurav BP1, Wanjari MM, Chandekar A, Chauhan NS, Upmanyu N.

Author information

 

Abstract

OBJECTIVE:

To study the influence of methanolic and aqueous extract of Withania somnifera (W. somnifera) root on the marble-burying behavior of mice a well-accepted model of obsessive compulsive behavior.

METHODS:

Mice were divided in different groups (n = 6). Fluoxetine (5, 10, 15 mg/kg), (10, 25, 50, 100 mg/kg) and methanolic extract W. somnifera (MEWS) (10, 25, 50, 100 mg/kg) were administered i.p. 30 min. prior to the assessment of marble burying behavior and locomotor activity. The control group received vehicle of the extract.

RESULTS:

Administration of aqueous extracts W. somnifera (AEWS) and MEWS (50 mg/kg) successively decreased the marble burying behavior activity without affecting motor activity. This effect of AEWS and MEWS was comparable to standard fluoxetine, ritanserin and parachlorophenylalanine.

CONCLUSIONS:

W. somnifera extract is effective in treating obsessive compulsive disorder.

Copyright © 2012 Hainan Medical College. Published by Elsevier B.V. All rights reserved.

PMID:   22546655   [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]    Free full text

 

Psychopharmacology (Berl). 2010 May;210(1):13-24. doi: 10.1007/s00213-010-1808-9. Epub 2010 Mar 19.

The role of NMDA receptors in the signal attenuation rat model of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Albelda N1, Bar-On N, Joel D.

Author information

 

Abstract

RATIONALE:

In recent years, an increasing body of evidence points to the involvement of the glutamatergic system and specifically the glutamatergic ionotropic N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA) receptor in the pathophysiology of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

OBJECTIVES:

To test the role of NMDA receptors in compulsive behavior using the signal attenuation rat model of OCD. In this model, 'compulsive' behavior is induced by attenuating a signal indicating that a lever-press response was effective in producing food.

METHODS:

The NMDA antagonist, MK 801 (0.025-0.100 mg/kg) and the partial NMDA agonist, D-cycloserine (3-100 mg/kg) were administered to rats just before assessing their lever-press responding following signal attenuation (Experiments 1 and 2, respectively). Because the effects of signal attenuation are assessed under extinction conditions, drug doses that were effective in Experiments 1 and 2 were also tested in an extinction session of lever-press responding that was not preceded by signal attenuation (Experiment 3).

RESULTS:

Systemic administration of D: -cycloserine (15 mg/kg) selectively decreased compulsive lever pressing, whereas systemic administration of MK 801 did not affect compulsive lever-pressing but dramatically increased resistance to extinction.

CONCLUSIONS:

Activation of NMDA receptors may have an anti-compulsive effect in OCD patients.

PMID:   20238210   [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

Potentiation of NMDA Receptors by Withania somnifera on Hippocampal CA1 Pyramidal Neurons


Read More: http://www.worldscie...192415X13500365

Edited by Area-1255, 21 September 2015 - 09:46 PM.

[glock]

HEH

I also have some similar issues, intrusive thoughts since a child; but I've grown to sort of dismiss most of them. 

My suggestions are to lower the 'potency' of the thoughts biochemically; and use logic to crumble the legitimacy of what remains.

Ashwagandha + TestForce II (DAA + Sarcosine) is my recommendation.

Ashwagandha is a glycine site agonist and DAA stimulates the NMDAR-ionic-glutamate complex. 

Also you Pitolisant ; a histamine H3 antagonist sold @ tht.co helps a lot with clarity and OCD - histamine H3R negatively modulates NMDA activity and histamine activity as well as GABA, serotonin , dopamine etc...it also blocks side-effects from antihistamines and augments pretty much any other medication or supplement you take. 

 

Asian Pac J Trop Med. 2012 May;5(5):380-4. doi: 10.1016/S1995-7645(12)60063-7.

Influence of Withania somnifera on obsessive compulsive disorder in mice.

Kaurav BP1, Wanjari MM, Chandekar A, Chauhan NS, Upmanyu N.

Author information

 

Abstract

OBJECTIVE:

To study the influence of methanolic and aqueous extract of Withania somnifera (W. somnifera) root on the marble-burying behavior of mice a well-accepted model of obsessive compulsive behavior.

METHODS:

Mice were divided in different groups (n = 6). Fluoxetine (5, 10, 15 mg/kg), (10, 25, 50, 100 mg/kg) and methanolic extract W. somnifera (MEWS) (10, 25, 50, 100 mg/kg) were administered i.p. 30 min. prior to the assessment of marble burying behavior and locomotor activity. The control group received vehicle of the extract.

RESULTS:

Administration of aqueous extracts W. somnifera (AEWS) and MEWS (50 mg/kg) successively decreased the marble burying behavior activity without affecting motor activity. This effect of AEWS and MEWS was comparable to standard fluoxetine, ritanserin and parachlorophenylalanine.

CONCLUSIONS:

W. somnifera extract is effective in treating obsessive compulsive disorder.

Copyright © 2012 Hainan Medical College. Published by Elsevier B.V. All rights reserved.

PMID:   22546655   [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]    Free full text

 

Psychopharmacology (Berl). 2010 May;210(1):13-24. doi: 10.1007/s00213-010-1808-9. Epub 2010 Mar 19.

The role of NMDA receptors in the signal attenuation rat model of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Albelda N1, Bar-On N, Joel D.

Author information

 

Abstract

RATIONALE:

In recent years, an increasing body of evidence points to the involvement of the glutamatergic system and specifically the glutamatergic ionotropic N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA) receptor in the pathophysiology of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

OBJECTIVES:

To test the role of NMDA receptors in compulsive behavior using the signal attenuation rat model of OCD. In this model, 'compulsive' behavior is induced by attenuating a signal indicating that a lever-press response was effective in producing food.

METHODS:

The NMDA antagonist, MK 801 (0.025-0.100 mg/kg) and the partial NMDA agonist, D-cycloserine (3-100 mg/kg) were administered to rats just before assessing their lever-press responding following signal attenuation (Experiments 1 and 2, respectively). Because the effects of signal attenuation are assessed under extinction conditions, drug doses that were effective in Experiments 1 and 2 were also tested in an extinction session of lever-press responding that was not preceded by signal attenuation (Experiment 3).

RESULTS:

Systemic administration of D: -cycloserine (15 mg/kg) selectively decreased compulsive lever pressing, whereas systemic administration of MK 801 did not affect compulsive lever-pressing but dramatically increased resistance to extinction.

CONCLUSIONS:

Activation of NMDA receptors may have an anti-compulsive effect in OCD patients.

PMID:   20238210   [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

Potentiation of NMDA Receptors by Withania somnifera on Hippocampal CA1 Pyramidal Neurons


Read More: http://www.worldscie...192415X13500365

I've tried Ashwagandha Root and Extract and neither worked. I've also tried Ashwangandha with a supplement similar to DAA (l-citrulline to be exact) and still nothing. I've tried a Glycine supplement which is basically another form of Sarcosine, and on it's own it does nothing, but had noticeable effects when I mixed it with the anti-psychotic Risperdal, but those effects weren't very lasting.

 

Pitolisant doesn't make sense to me, I don't see anything that has it in supplement form. The website you posted only has it in compound. I can't find anything in supplement or medication form that are Histamine H3 antagonist. Normal antihistamines do nothing for me but make my "symptoms" worse. At one point they cleared my sinuses, made me drowsy and more laid back, now they do nothing but make me more irritated. I just don't get it.

[Area-1255]

 

I've tried Ashwagandha Root and Extract and neither worked. I've also tried Ashwangandha with a supplement similar to DAA (l-citrulline to be exact) and still nothing. I've tried a Glycine supplement which is basically another form of Sarcosine, and on it's own it does nothing, but had noticeable effects when I mixed it with the anti-psychotic Risperdal, but those effects weren't very lasting.

 

Pitolisant doesn't make sense to me, I don't see anything that has it in supplement form. The website you posted only has it in compound. I can't find anything in supplement or medication form that are Histamine H3 antagonist. Normal antihistamines do nothing for me but make my "symptoms" worse. At one point they cleared my sinuses, made me drowsy and more laid back, now they do nothing but make me more irritated. I just don't get it.

 

L-Citrulline is NOTHING like DAA - they have totally different pathways. Glycine won't do crap. You have to try Sarcosine because it acts on the glutamate transporter. You say antihistamine's make your OCD worse - that's why I am telling you take an H3 antagonist...histamine H3 blockers INCREASE histamine

thus providing relief of psychotic symptoms and improving clarity.

 

 

Pharmacol Rep. 2012;64(1):191-204.

Protective effects of histamine H3-receptor ligands in schizophrenic behaviors in experimental models.

Mahmood D1, Khanam R, Pillai KK, Akhtar M.

Author information

 

Abstract

Schizophrenia (SCZ) afflicts around 1% of the world's population with characteristic symptoms such as hallucinations, delusions, and cognitive disorders. Several experimental studies in the past have indicted brain histaminergic neuronal system involvement in the pathogenesis of psychotic disorders including SCZ. Present study investigates anti-schizophrenic activity using two histamine H(3)-receptor (H(3)R)-antagonists/inverse agonists, ciproxifan (3.0 mg/kg, i.p.) and clobenpropit (15 mg/kg, i.p.), on some of the established animal model of schizophrenia, for example, amphetamine (AMPH) and dizocilpine (MK-801)-induced hyperactivity, apomorphine (APO)-induced climbing behavior, scopolamine and MK-801-induced learning and memory deficits and haloperidol-induced catalepsy including determination of acetylcholinesterase (AChE) activity. Results of the present study demonstrate that ciproxifan and clobenpropitwere able to control AMPH and MK-801-induced hyperlocomotor activities demonstrated as reduced horizontal activity and reduced number of movements made by rats. Further, there was overall reduction in APO-induced climbing behavior. Learning and memory deficits, as evaluated on elevated plus maze, followed by estimation of brain AChE activity demonstrated positive results with these protypical imidazole H(3)R-antagonists/inverse agonists.

PMID:   22580536   [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]    Free full text

[glock]

Any updates on this? Still the same thing I'm going through with no improvement whatsoever. Tried more supplements and combinations, same result. Feel the effects for a few minutes, maybe a couple of hours tops, and then flushes out and symptoms become noticeably ecstatic, sometimes worse. My body then just adapts and builds tolerance. I don't even think you could call this tolerance. With tolerance you just keep increasing the dosage until side effects expose your limit, but this is more like no matter how much I take, my body won't absorb it or experience any altering effects from it. Once again, only thing that helps by suppressing the issue is alcohol, but even that is getting to its limit. I don't feel euphoric when drunk anymore. I have to take at least 9 shots of hard liquor to even get any satisfying effects but now I fall asleep a lot easier now, sometimes just blacking without realizing it and then wasted alcohol. I also seem to get hungrier more often now while drinking, but food seems to absorb its effects even worse than it has before, to the point where if I even eat like half of meal it destroys any satisfying buzz, that's 12 shots wasted right there. I'm going through a full 1.75L bottle of cheap liquor in just 1-2 days. I can't afford to keep buying alcohol, at least not as often as I want to. I still can't get a hold of cannibus either, my contact won't come through, can't make any other contacts because I can't even successfully communicate with anyone I don't know anymore. 

 

I can go a whole week without alcohol, I don't feel withdrawal at all, I just get fed up with this BS I'm going through, so I get another bottle. I can't even call myself an alcoholic, even if I may look like one. They don't understand what I'm going through, even when I describe it to them, they just refuse to get it. I guess you can't grasp what you never experienced.

 

I've tried exercising multiple times, it's the same as taking any kind of drug or supplements to this point. Feel the effects of it at first, then notice no difference, and even can make it worse. I've exercised regularly in the past, so I know what it feels like to have burns and gains, and this is not the same as then. This is seriously some rewiring/alteration in my anatomy. Nothing is making a difference and I'm just losing all hope now, I'm literally at the verge of suicide and I don't want to hurt the people around me. This is a cry for help, does ANYONE have a real solution?

[Dakman]

Tried Phenibut ?

[glock]

Yeah because everything else weaker than alcohol that effects GABA would be the solution... Of course I've tried phenibut. Kava, L-Theanine, GABA, etc... Same thing as anything else.

[The Brain]

Tried a Dr?

[glock]

I haven't seen a doctor since May/June of this year. But either way, it's what I've already described before. Blood work done, therapy, etc, nothing. I still have some prescription medicine left over and they do nothing but make it worse. In fact, I think that's what caused this change in my anatomy are the meds, and then the harassment is what instilled the intrusive thoughts.

[glock]

Okay, still no one knows a thing? Okay, some additional information that can maybe point to something. Okay so the first mental health related med/drug I've ever taken was an anti-depressant during high school. I believe it was paxil? I was prescribed by a doctor because I started to develop depression and anxiety to the point where I couldn't even be around people anymore. The med made me more comfortable around people, I could actually speak up in front of a group of people without cowering/feeling embarrassed anymore. Made me more aggressive and outgoing too. I liked the effect for the most part but I didn't like the "aggressive" portion. Instead of just avoiding conflict by that point, all I did was get into it. So I described the situation to my doctor, plus going through all those issues during school so I was threatening to drop out. The doctor(s) thought I was going through psychosis or whatever, because I was very argumentative and aggressive and didn't know how to properly express myself, so I ended up being diagnosed with (paranoid) schizophrenia. They tried to put me on risperdal but it did nothing but give me headaches. The doctors didn't understand why the medication wasn't working even though they seemed to be convinced I was schizophrenic. After starting to become aware what a "schizophrenic" was, I began to refuse any kind of treatment or doctor visits from that point on.

 

So, few years have passed, done with school and all that. I could normally interact with people, just more reserved and not very outspoken. I needed to get a full time job and get on living on my own, but wasn't sure I could because I had developed really bad toes (ingrown toe nail in both big toes, bleeding, peeling, etc), so it was almost impossible to wear shoes, plus I had also developed excessive leakage coming from my right ear (which years later found out was a hole in my ear drum). I even tried to join the military, but when I told them of those issues they turned me down. I wanted to find a way to fix these issues so I could get a job. Talking to family that know of my diagnosis, they said I could possibly get SSI/Medical benefits. So I applied and tried to give in and own up to my diagnosis to help get the benefits, and they turned me down because they didn't believe I was severe enough. During this time I also did research on schizophrenia, to make it make sense when I described it to the reviewers, and the whole process just started to freak me out, getting me to believe not who I was but what I was. So I started to become paranoid and depressed again, thinking, "What if I experience these crazy episodes? Start hallucinating and all this madness"?

And then it happened...somewhat. One day I was watching a documentary on schizophrenia, and then half-way through, I begin to see (what I described in a post before) like after-images on the wall and radio chatter in other sound. It wasn't as vivid as they later became now, but just even remotely experiencing it was enough to freak out and fully believe I was schizophrenic. So I had got a hold of the old respirdal and paxil I was prescribed years ago, the images and chatter didn't fully go away, but the risperdal did seem to make me very relax and non-paranoid, plus mixed with the paxil made me outspoken like before. So then I was just like...okay.

 

And then, a family member living in a different state had found me a doctor where I could move in and continue to take this medication, and since I was now living in a new state, I applied for SSI again. I was turned down once again, this doctor didn't believe it was schizophrenia, but depression with possible psychotic symptoms. When I tried to describe it to him, he stopped me and gave a face of disapproval and literally said, "This is not schizophrenia..."

So once again I was turned down for SSI. But the doctor I was seeing at the time had no problem with continuing treatment. She had prescribed me haldol which had completely stopped the images and chatter, but I didn't like the way it made me feel, I felt like a zombie. It was so hard to concentrate on anything. So she prescribed me vyvanse, I had to go through some extra leeway to get that. And from that point on I didn't experience any kinds of (possible) hallucinations. I felt great on vyvanse alone, which from that point on confused me, because I'm supposed to be schizophrenic, but yet this stimulant (and later other stimulants I took from that point on) didn't seem to enhance any possible symptoms of schizophrenia such as paranoia and hallucinations. With two SSI doctors turning me down and then stimulants making feel on top of the world, I began to believe I wasn't schizophrenic at all. That it may could of been something else.

 

So to keep the story shorter from this point on, I began to abuse medication under the impression something was wrong with me, but not entirely knowing what. I was looking for that "cure". I would also sometimes take supplements on the side. Also, during the beginning of that period which lasted about 3 years till now, I began to smoke marijuana regularly. I've smoked marijuana multiple times in the past, but this is the time where I started to smoke it regularly on the side, with my substance abuse. Marijuana made me more believe something was wrong with me, I thought I felt like a "normal" person when high. I could process information and express myself in a more straight forward form, not in an abstract manner where people couldn't understand. So this fueled my abuse for the next 2.5 years, even during the harassment (which I described in my very first post in this thread). I thought these meds were supposed to fix me, or make me better, but because I was still being tormented by my peers, it made me even more confused, continuing the abuse, still under the impression I haven't found yet what was wrong with me. By this time I was prescribed abilify for the second time, and one day I got mad because I felt like it didn't do anything, so I had ended up taking some haldol I had leftover from years ago, and I was surprised because I was able to take more than from what I could years ago, plus it seemed to make me more relaxed in a lazy kind of way, not like a zombie. I began taking it for the next few days along with concerta that I was prescribed by that point, and one day I was upset because I couldn't feel the effects of the concerta, I thought I was feeling too lazy, so I had also took some of this L-Dopa supplement I had laying around. I regained some motivation, but a couple of hours later I had crashed like I never had before. I felt like a ripping feeling in my head, my vision had kind of blacked out a bit when it happened too, and I had got a massive headache. I felt "sick". I went to sleep, and next day I woke up I didn't think much of it and took my medicine like normally, and then once I did and it kicked in, bam. All that after-images and radio chatter came back in full blast, more revealing and vivid than it was before years ago. I also started experiencing tactile disturbances, the sharp prick feeling, like something was crawling on me or poking me. I had freaked out, and my substance/medicinal abuse from then on has became an all time high trying to make all these freaky symptoms go away. It was kind of on and off, but it was tamable. By the next course of months, the harassment from my peers had got worse, plus I finally got my toes and ear fixed by surgery. All of this happening from the next year (starting from mid 2014) till now, the "intrusive thoughts" began to build up and now plague my mind + all the other symptoms I described from my very first posts. Even now, when I finally got off the medicine and substance abuse, didn't fix or help the issue one bit. Now as I've described before, when I try to take any medicine or supplements now it doesn't "absorb" like it used to.

 

I know, I basically just wrote a bunch of bull**** admitting I done ****ed up, and now regretting it. But now I'm thinking more now that there never was anything wrong with me, that I've created my own problems from the past and especially until now, and am now desperately suffering, wanting to at least go back to how I was before I started taking medicine regularly. Now, I process information "different" (I was going to say better, but it's better in some areas, but worse in others. I carry myself with more confidence, but I can't "feel" like I could before so making connections with people especially in real life is like almost impossible. While I can write books on the internet, like how I just did here with ease) like how I was during a marijuana high, but all these crazy symptoms I'm experiencing are just unbearable, just non-stop, everyday, and I just want to, for the love of god, go back to my old self, because now I realize it was how I was supposed to be, and it was definitely much more enjoyable. So PLEASE, someone help!! I don't want to give up, there's so much to live for, but I just can't...just can't live like this.

Edited by glock, 22 December 2015 - 11:35 AM.

[Godot]

Everything you've said from the beginning points straight to mental illness, and you're now describing a long history of mental health diagnoses as well. Medications do not cure mental illness, they can merely help to manage the symptoms while undergoing psychotherapy. You need psychotherapy. And it'll probably take a while to work, and they'll probably want you to take some medications (as prescribed!) while doing it. But you've got to do it -- you shouldn't have to live like this and psychotherapy really can help.

[glock]

From the get go, I only became depressed because I started to develop anxiety because I was peaking through puberty, which made me more attracted to girls and become fully self-aware of the things around me. My interactions with people started to become very sour because I let the anxiety control me, and then I became depressed and eventually went to see a doctor. From that point on, medicine, from anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and stimulants, never done anything that changed my personality, they just made me braver and more "exposed" to other people, thus conflict or sour interactions didn't lessen or cease, they just became worse and worse. At first that made me think I just haven't found the right fix yet, which furthered the abuse, but now I realize that there was nothing wrong with me in the first place. I just grew up and went through a personality change. Mental illness could of been apparent, but as the SSI reviewers said, it wasn't severe enough that warranted treatment or prevented me from working. In fact, the main reason I felt like I couldn't work was because of the toe and ear issue. I did once have a part time job a year before I tried to get a full time job, and it was difficult because of those issues, and wasn't even a public job. So how could I work full time in a public place, living on my own? I didn't have a car, I wouldn't be able to walk any long distance to a bus or directly to work.

 

I don't see how you only point this to mental illness. What mental illness has all these symptoms?

- Hardening pressure at the front-top of my head, sometimes becomes very intense and agitating. Before my head would usually have a more lightheaded feeling, and only time I would feel pressure is at the top of my head, and that's when I felt really mentally sharp.

- Sometimes feel like my brain is bleeding/leaking, especially from the front-top.

- Prick feeling all over body, as if something is crawling on me or pinching me. Severeness seems to be an on and off thing, but does happen often. (not pin and needles)

- Tightness/pain in my chest area, sometimes down to my waist.

- Can't even feel my own heartbeat anymore, before if I took a stimulant I could feel my heart beating erratically like it's supposed to, now I can't feel my heartbeat at all, and would sometimes just feel a tightness in my heart area. (doctors checked my heart rate, and it's always normal)

- Perception has changed. The world seems to look more tilted and strange, kind of like when I'm high but minus all the high effects.

- Processing information is not the same. I seem to process everything with my thoughts exclusively and never how I feel. My thoughts no longer process a million times a second and try to make sense of something based on what I've previously learned, it seems to react based on what I literally see and know. My thoughts are more based on reaction; I react to something and then try to create a thought based on how I reacted to it. Before, I was always unsure of something, multiple thoughts would process, and then I would choose the one that made most sense to me. Thoughts were also influenced by how I felt about something inside, but now I don't feel anything. Only time I could ever "feel" something now, is if there's some type of nostalgia involved, such if I listen to an old song I haven't listened to in years.

- Intrusive thoughts, can you call these intrusive thoughts? I don't get thoughts telling me or forcing me to do something, they are thoughts stuck in a repeated loop. Thoughts of negativity, from negative things people said to me or I've said to people, even sometimes funny things. Before, I would just focus on things that interested me, and then a negative thought could pop up if something were to trigger it. Now, it's literally my primary thought process is stuck in a loop of negative statements, and I have to try to think outside of them or else be stuck reliving that loop, over and over. Even then, I still suffer either way, it's hard to hold a conversation or concentrate on anything, because those intrusive thoughts would repeatedly surface and interrupt me, taking over. It's a non-ending cycle.

- Audio and visual disturbances. Can these really count as hallucinations? Or illusions? The after-images are simply just images of another object that I look at, and it seems to be mainly triggered by television. They are not manual images that I create, they are AFTER-images. The radio chatter is hearing occurring looping noises/sound in white noise, such like the AC, water running, or a fan. It isn't like voices that literally talk to me or interact with me. The visual disturbances seem to happen much more frequently now, while the audio portion seems to have tamed for the most part, only rarely do I hear it now.

- Nothing works. Doesn't matter what I take, now it's like nothing gets absorbed. Or at least has no noticeable or lasting altering or changing effects. Especially towards the intrusive thoughts, which seem to bother me the most.

 

Some more additional information, during the period, years after high school and trying to get a full time job, before I started taking medicine regularly, if I shook my head or moved my head in a janky manner, it would feel like my "brain" was moving inside, especially at the front of my head. Then when I started smoking marijuana regularly (probably not regularly but more frequently), I would start to feel a hardening in my head, especially at the front-top and the back, until it fully hardened, now I don't feel like my brain is moving in my head. Afterwards, I didn't feel "braver" by medication standards, I felt absolutely comfortable around people, had no type of fear, no kinds of symptoms of anything or any kind. I could process information normally, I could "feel". Right then is when I should of left everything alone, I would of been perfect then. I decided to continue taking medication because it made me feel good, mostly my dumb*** thought being or feeling high was normal, because especially being previously told I wasn't normal. And it all lead up until this point and regret every bit of it.

 

For you to keep telling me this is all mental illness is going to forever confuse me, because I'm experiencing all these crazy symptoms that don't seem to be in coordinate with any single illness. I've looked up all these symptoms and can't find any basis. Not OCD, not schizophrenia, not bi-polar, not adhd. I've seen people pintpoint different things, but nothing that literally makes sense to everything. I haven't found anything until this thread here, where someone else (topic starter) is experiencing everything very similar to what I am.

[glock]

Also, I didn't buy into the diagnosis at first because it was clearly bs to me. When you basically think of an schizophrenic, you think of someone who has completely lost their marbles. Someone who is indecently senseless and unaware of it, unless medicated and told otherwise. I felt like I comprehended everything going on around me. I did have an odd belief system at the time, but I still felt like I knew what was normal and what wasn't, I still understood what was going on around me. I felt like I was making a choice, I wasn't being controlled. I never felt I was being controlled until I started taking those meds. I told one of the SSI reviewers about my belief system (proud atheist, strong belief in aliens, wanted to bring peace to the world), he didn't think it warranted a diagnosis because there were many people in the world with those belief systems. I mean he couldn't figure out why or how I was schizophrenic, he was just going off the disclosed diagnosis and then ruled I wasn't severe enough.