Hello everybody.
I thought I would just give an update on my current situation as it is pretty dire as of now and some support would be appreciated. I am extremely scared and worried at the moment and I feel like i'm going to lose it soon.
As it currently stands I have dropped out of university due to the symptoms I have been experiencing. The constant feel of disconnection (or disassociation) pushed me to the brink last weekend when I felt like I was just about to go crazy (
I was feeling very similar to these experiences) . With support from various people I got into a session at the medical center who said I should go home as they were unwilling to treat me on campus and return when I was feeling normal. Since then I have been collected by my parents and have been living at home since the 5th.
Since I have been home I have been feeling extreme depression and anxiety (A&D). I feel absolutely hopeless and everything seems to be falling apart, I feel like my life is over. For symptoms of A&D I have had extremely poor appetite and have started to throw up after most meals. I have been unable to get good hours of sleep and sit awake all night worrying. I am constantly shaking and pacing back and forth. I can't keep my thoughts straight and I feel like i'm losing my mind. I think the A&D is mainly caused by the fact that I hyper over analyse everything and it becomes a perpetual loop of worrying and about being worried.
There is less of the feeling of disconnection at the moment as I am perpetually worried about my memory. Even trying to explain this now I am forgetting about what symptoms I have been experiencing. Since I have arrived home I feel blank all the time. I cannot remember what day it is and what I have done in the day, what is coming up in the future and what has happened days before. It takes a lot of concentration and backtracking to figure out the things which have happened in the past where as it used to come to me instantly. Everything seems very hazy in my mind. Things like having my hair cut yesterday went completely out of my head when I was asked what I did on that day which worried me. In the past I would be able to link things together quite well in order to remember things, looking at an object for example would bring memories about other things related. This has not been the case recently. Everyday I feel like my memory is getting worse and I am extremely scared that I am going to lose it all. Today I went on a bike ride and completely forgot about it at the dinner table. I could not tell you what has really happened in the last week fluently and I would draw a complete blank in many areas.
One of the main problems that sticks out is putting anything on a scale. When somebody reminds me of something I am able to remember it but I could not tell them when it happened. Finding the links to the memories seems to be the hard part but when someone prompts me I can often remember it in fuzzy detail. I really hope that the A&D are the cause of the memory problems and not the other way around.
As for help my parents managed to get a hold of a psychiatrist on Thursday who I went to see. After the 2 hour session he diagnosed me with acute anxiety and depression and prescribed me with Sertraline (50mg for the first 5 days and 100mg thereafter). I have been having counselors coming to my house every day since Friday and they have given me Diazepam to cope with my anxiety (2mg, 3 times a day). With the SSRI I am going to have to wait up to 2-4 weeks apparently for it to start to have an effect which is very disappointing because I really want to feel some hope as soon as possible and I feel I might lose it before then. The Diazepam seems to make me physically 'drowsy' but mentally I still feel awake. However I feel it does stop me thinking about my problems a little bit which I suppose is good. It has also recently brought back the feeling of disconnection I was facing in university. It puts me into a sort of auto-pilot mode where I'm not really concentrating on what is happening. I tried playing some video games and I just could not focus on what was happening, repeating the stage I would not remember what had happened previously and where objects were located.
Trying to find a source to the problem is only making things more anxious for me. I am just so scared that the Cerebrolysin I took is the main culprit to my problems and that I have some sort of brain disorder such as a prion considering the site infection of another member with the same batch (I still have the vials if that is any constellation). I did a few session of tDCS which seemed to do nothing for me but that also adds to my fear that I may have fried my brain. People have been constantly re-assuring me saying all of these symptoms and problems are due to A&D and that things will eventually get better but I fear that it is much much worse and the more time I dwindle trying to sort out my A&D the more damage whatever is happening in my head is doing to my brain. No-body seem to think (from the psychiatrist to all of the support workers) that the chemical could be to blame and are pinning everything on A&D. Even though they are the experts and i'm the patient I still feel that they are wrong in some cases. In a few experiences even when I'm not feeling particularly anxious or depressed (At least I don't think I am, could be deluding myself) my memory still refuses to work which is one of the most worrying factors as recovery from that was the light at the end of the tunnel.
If anybody has any advice I would appreciate it so much as all my hope is lost at this point.
I am going to my GP tomorrow so i'm going to try and make the most out of it by making a list of things to ask, if anyone can think of anything useful to ask that would be great.
Edited by Krabby, 10 November 2013 - 08:36 PM.
LongeCity
