Hello to all of you. It has been more than 1 year that I try to find something that let me live with a clear mind, some good emotions and a decreased sense of fear and anxiety.
This forum to say the least didn't help me to see the light, I ended up last year failing in my most important exam after a month of modafinil use that let me CRAZY.
After that, remission never happened, it was like my brain chemistry was destroyed, and being severly maniac before (all the time but in a good way) now I was really delisiunal, feeling like this induced fail was worst than the death of anyone (except my mother God bless her) I get a EXCEPTIONNAL right to repass my exam, as my Doctor told them that I was suffering from severe anxiety issues and kind of depersonalition.
Till today I'm permanently worried about how my year will ended I'm actually passing maybe the hardest exam in the world (seriously to pass it you MUST work 12h/Day with a very very sharp mind) I knew some guy with an IQ > 150 miserably failing. So my depressed state don't let me feel much optmistic anyway, I'm not someone who let the world beat his ass. I've fight all my life against my unique brain chemistry since my early childhood (I have some vivd memories from the age of 2)
Anyway I've tried almost every stack with no success. After some analysis I've found that after this modafinil binge, Piracetam and other direct/indirect Aspartic receptor positive modulator get my depression *1000 it was like my brain would become manic, but a strong barrier get this state in a no-word depression.
It could be related to the ACH route, but I was on this NDMA hypothesis. So I remembered that I had some MXE at home (never tried it just was curious and bought it with some ethylphenidate before) and yesterday I've tried a low dose.
Hey man! That was nice! My mind was a lot clearer my unipolar depression was slighly allievate and I felt the potential of the beast. Today I titrate very accuratly a dose < 5mg coupled with some SJW, BACOPA and a bit of 2-FA for the focus and dude that was OKAY. It's hard to explain but since my severe mania episode, I'm really aware of my brain. I always was, by this I mean that some people act really in a dissociation with theirself they can do something that I feel strongly embarassing and they don't feel anything that to key to happiness, to be free. I could speak hours on what I've theorized about mania but I won't since my english is quite insipid and hasardous .
So I'll finish with my current stack hoping it will work
MXE, once 2/3 day <10 mg
SJW, TID 300 mg
BACOPA MONNIERI 20% bacosides : BID 400mg of extract
and maybe some ritalin or 2-FA but it INCREASE MASSIVELY my depression, and this feeling that I can't speak, (like I'm in jail in my body)