So this doesn't look like a big blog-type post, I hope to get some input into this. It's been just over 10 days since I've stopped all dosing and all positive effects have remained, rather, my mind has stayed rejuvenated. All doses were therapeutic and there was no dose escalation. Never did I dose with the intent to get high, speedy, or any artificial motivation.
Preface
I am 26 years old and my work largely consists of neuroscience studies and research into the human brain, and for the most part, I wish to keep my identity a secret.
A few weeks ago I recall seeing a video in which a scientific researched stated that methamphetamine administered in therapeutic doses following concussions or other sorts of brain damage, acted effectively to reboot the brain and reinvigorate those pathways. There was also a study that stated that therapeutic use of methamphetamine by people who have to relearn how to walk, or relearn skills lost in accidents, showed dramatic increases in the rate at which they regained their abilities. In a way the drug created a greater level of connectivity for the pre-existing pathways. For a long time I've had nearly every ADHD symptom. I have responsibilities in life that I have always managed to push myself to do, but every day is plauged with anxiety and worry, and everything I did I always had an intense pressure to "just get it over with". Never am I "depressed", just my ability to pay attention was horrible, and I feel drained all the time. I have shelves of books (literally hundreds) that I personally ordered and have been dying to read, but I loose all interest before I can even get 1 or 2 sentences in. It had been incredibly hard to engage my mind in things that I didn't "have" to do. Just to give you an idea of how damaged I was, I probably hadn't naturally laughed at something, or thought something was genuinely funny in a very long time. Everything was simply "blah". The only reason I have been successful in life is because I have had my goals explicitly and clearly defined, and I live for them.
Ultimately, something has been wrong with my brain. I am NOT a lazy person. Every single day of my life I put forth enormous effort to achieve. I lead a very successful life and push my mind and brain to its limits, yet, my brain has these shortcomings and refuses to keep up. I am partially inclined to believe I damaged my dopamine circuits from years of chronic masturbation when I was younger. I have sense overcome this and no longer masturbate at all. During those time periods, masturbating would always be followed by a crash that was similar to a heroin-comedown(I've done it) and would last for several hours and well into the next 2-3 days following. Most often than not the days following a masturbation-orgasm spiraled me into deep depressions and deep laziness far below anything I feel in my normal state, considering the normal state wasn't very energized either. Yet, when sexual urges arose, they were irresistible (if I was home and near a computer o.O). In the mistd of the horniness I would feel invigorated and always say "fuck it, why not", and it would feel GREAT..... but it was not uncommon to have extremely deep regret afterwards, sometimes I would cry because I found it impossible to shut the urges off and they so negatively were harming me.
I went to my doctor and got prescribed 5mg of desoxyn daily. I explained to my doctor that I didn't want adderall because of the body effects, nor did I want dexedrine because it simply didn't last as long. He only prescribed it because I showed him I really did my research into the substance and because of my general educational background. To preface this, I will say that I do not like to abuse drugs. I do not like to get "high", or even feel "highs", because I know the "crash" will always follow, and I experience crashes horribly.
LOG
I note that I have been taking the same therapeutic dose at the same time, every morning. The first few days felt noticeably speedy, noticeably crash/irritation near end of day, these first few days I tossed in turned in bed all night as well. Days 3,4, and 5, I started noticing things. I wasn't getting high anymore, and the speedyness was gone. I didn't go off on uncontrollably manic tangents in conversations like I did the first 1-3 days. I felt like my mind was slowly "reconnecting" day by day. I noticed my personality was back, to how it was when I was 13-14 years old, before I started masturbating and smoking weed (the latter of which I stopped in junior year HS). I found myself no longer a slave to my impulses. I could READ again. Getting through a few pages of something that I wasn't required to read gave such a great feeling of achievement. I was able to get absorbed into TV shows and laugh. I also noticed I could get to sleep no problem at night. Not only that but I woke up with energy, and mental clarity, unlike ever before. I found it easy to wake up, and I felt rested!
Out of curiosity, on day 6 and day 7 I decided not to dose. There was no noticeable come down, no noticeable crash, and what stood out the most was that everything that I had experienced on day 3 and 4, were still present. I felt as if part of my brain had healed and remained. Things were slightly reduced, but hardly.
Days 8, 9, and 10. Still taking the same dose. I woke up, took it like I would a vitamin. It was very subtle. There were no noticeable "effects". What I did notice that my functioning was ever so slightly improved. If I were a college student and somebody sold me this and this to study and this is only effects I felt, I would feel "ripped off", and want to take a higher dose. With my "therapy", I am not looking to get high, nor am I looking to have a pulsating and driving motivation, I was looking to feel normal. I had plenty of motivation, always, its just that doing the things I want to do had always been incredibly psychologically painful due to a severe lack of energy. At this point there is absolutely no observable come down. I am just feeling "normal" and "functional" all day, and can go to sleep easier than every before.
Days 10-15. Noticeable effects upon dosing are gone, as in, it does not feel like any drug is in my system. There is no "come up" from the state I am in when I wake up in the morning, nor any come down. It feels like I took a vitamin. Nothing more, yet, each passing day, I can literally feel my brain functioning improving bit by bit. I wouldn't say I am "getting smarter". I would say that my mental functioning is restoring back to homeostasis, where it has always had trouble maintaining. Right now the comparison to any other vitamin is spot on. I remember when I first started taking B-Vitamins, if I forgot to take it one day, I wouldn't really notice it, but at the end of the day if I reflected, then I could notice it. The effect is very subtle.
Days 15-20. Still taking the same dose as day one. Like before, there is no noticeable drug effects, but I can "feel" my brain doing what it is supposed to do. It's not failing on me constantly. It's not wavering. I am not high at all, I am clear. If somebody had dropped the dose into my drink, I would not even notice it. It is working subtly on my brain functioning, feeling as if my brain pathways are able to reconnect.
Time off dosage Days 20-25. Worried about addiction/tolerance, I took these 5 days off. There was no noticeable reduction in my cognitive functioning. No depression. No anxiety. No distraction. Just the energy to get things done, but no surging "drive", as one would feel abusing speed. I couldn't even tell that I "didn't" take anything. Unlike before I started this, I am now able to take a break from my extremely stressful work, and go off and enjoy something like a TV show, without my worries plaguing my while I am attempting to watch it. Most amazingly, my sex drive is back, and feels normalized. During these 5 days, there were no noticeably "bad" feelings, no feeling of "laziness". My brain feels like it is co-operating. There was the slight desire to take my dosages, but this was purely psychological. At this point I have became so excited about repairing my brain that I didn't want to stop, but I knew I had to take a break to verify my results were relatively permanent and not just amphetamine psychosis
Days 25-35. First day back on it, there was a very slight come up, but not much. No come down. I was able to get to sleep at night easily, far easier than before I started taking the Desoxyn. Just for the record, when I say I got to sleep easily, I do not mean I was exhausted. In fact, there was little exhaustion at all, just the desire to rest knowing that I had to sleep and wake up in the morning. The next few days were exactly like days 10-20, no come ups, no come downs, no highs, no euphoria, no sleep issues, just stability. When I dose in the morning, I can't even feel it, yet, I am remarkably stable. My body seems to have built an undeniable tolerance to the drug, but that is not without its benefits. The best way I can put it is that dose has reconnected my brain. Since there is no come up, there is no come down. I have essentially "up regulated" my neuronal circuits.
Day 40: This was the day, this was (10) days ago actually. I stopped dosing entirely. There has been no noticeable reduction in my functioning, 10 days afterwards. I sleep SO much better. My sleep is SO much more restful. I wake up with energy and clarity now, not with the desire to hit the snooze button 15 times. I wake up immediately, get things done, shower, etc. I couldn't be happier. I didn't really see a point to continue taking it, since I felt that I had reach my normalized state that I was ever-so aiming for. The first few days I still did desire to take a dosage, largely because it was part of my morning habit and I had associated so many positive things with the drug, but the last few days, there is no desire at all.
There is one thing I forgot to mention when typing this. Around days 10, my appetite had returned. I don't mean the drug killed my appetite (it only did the fist 3 days).... for the last several years my appetite has always sucked. I would get hungry but have no desire to eat, no motivation to try new foods. Food simply wasn't enjoyable for me. Obviously a dopamine issue. Around day 10 and on and up until this day, my appetite has been thriving! I see food as something enjoyable now. I look forward to it. Before I always used to put breakfast off until I simply 'had' to eat because it felt like a chore.
This experience has confirmed what I had hypothesized about Amphetamines for so long. Amphetamines, are not inherently neurotoxic. The neurotoxicity comes from when you induce a high, that your body inevitably exhausts itself on. There is plenty of evidence that suggest amphetamines used properly and in therapeutic doses cause absolutely no neurotoxicity. The degree of neurotoxicity experience can actually be relatively measured by the degree of the high in comparison to the normal baseline state! If you don't come up, you don't go down!
The sad thing is, most people don't use amphetamines like this. Most people who use amphetamines ARE lazy and are just looking for that artificial "push". There have been numerous studies that suggest amphetamine used properly by people who actually have cognitive deficiencies, and are not just lazy, can permanently benefit tremendously. I had always believed this but I didn't want to go around spouting it until I experienced it first hand.
Conclusion
To put all this in retrospect. Sure, I probably could have reached this normalized state on my own, but truthfully I have been trying for years to heal my mind. The theory behind amphetamines therapeutic effects is that in slight doses where they do not exhaust the brains resources or cause stress-induced overstimulation, actually enhance neurogenesis and enhance brain plasticity.
When on slight doses of amphetamine, the brain adjusts to depend on the drug ever so slightly. But see, the brain is always trying to reach homeostasis. If you take massive abusive doses, you will not only wear out the brain, but you will severely decrease its ability to reach homeostasis, in that process neurons can be lost! Yet, if you take mild doses, the neural networks will gain an everso-slight boost. As the drug leaves the system, since the brain is not exhausted, homeostasis is very easily achieved, but something new happens..... The homeostasis that is achieved is everso slightly higher than it was before, because of the slight boost from the drug.
The only real way to keep these homeostasis states of course is to put forth an active effort. If you take Adderall therapeutically and just expect it heal your brain and you don't do anything while you're on it other than jack off and play CoD, then you are wasting your time! Homeostasis. That's all it is. If you don't do anything mentally challenging ever (which my work is incredibly mentally demanding), then that part of your brain will slowly enter decline. It's as simple as that. The parts of the brain you do not use, you lose, and to regain them requires effort, but with wise and calculated use of certain substances as tools, through the understanding of their mechanisms, you can use them advantageously to derive long-term benefits.
I have always stood by the opinion that the best therapeutic drugs with potential for permanent long-term healing are also the drugs that are most easily and most commonly abused. This is simply because the drugs effect on the brain is so direct and so concentrated. Too bad this is not an approach scientist and psychiatrist can offer to the public, because the great majority of the public is undisciplined, irresponsible, and lazy, and thus these drugs get a bad name.
All powerful substances deserve deep respect, not just psychedelics like DMT. Abusing them is simply abusing yourself, and you will really screw yourself up, biochemically speaking.
