Part I: the rise of the rat
So, it's taken a couple days to get this far and my phone tends to crash so let's just post part I. All the *real* "fun" will be in part II, so if you wanna read about a train wreck and have limited time, wait for that. Sorry for the length, I guess I had a lot to say.
Was going to write this in more detail, but I managed to spill water on my laptop so it's bullet points from here. After writing it I guess there's a lot of detail anyway. Way too much. And my writing sucks now. So it goes. In case you are worried about liability this is a hypothetical scenario about my pet rat which for convenience's sake I have written in first person. It's a cautionary tale, just goes to show how fast things can go downhill.
-Born with close to (but not quite) the "Limitless" brain many here seek out. Reading at 3, programming at 6, algebra and first university course at 9, calculus at 12, started college full time with 5 semesters' worth of AP and transfer credits at 16. Also excellent verbal skills, language acquisition, creative, sense of humor, good social skills though not necessarily much in common with same age peers.
-Competitive swimmer, 6kCal/day metabolism at this point. Not eidetic memory, but fairly effortless recall and rapid synthesis of conversations and data weeks later
-Became very social and also a weekend binge drinker in college / had high tolerance due to metabolism. No effect on mental abilities except some decline in grades due to missed quizzes in early morning classes. Can recall minor details of conversations had after 12 beers 3 weeks later. Fun hobby: going up to people who barely recognize me, calling them by name, asking about specific courses, their families, etc until they finally vaguely recall that we met at a part a month ago.
-Adrenaline junky, excellent performer under pressure, utterly unafraid of anything except maybe the opposite sex a little bit (more clueless)
-Not a bad looking guy either
-The best way to describe this time of my life is "radiant". Golden haired golden boy. Every cell is firing at maximum efficiency.
Jealous yet?
-EBV at age 19
-Physical symptoms abate after 2 weeks
-Push through to take final exams
-Return to school next semester, everything is different
-Sleep from 4 am to 4 pm (was always a night owl but got by with 4 - 6 hrs + occasional nap in afternoon / 9 hrs on weekend) for next 9 or so months
-EBV titers are still elevated 6 months later despite lack of overt physical symptoms (except fatigue), medical withdrawal granted
-Attention and motivation decline, particularly severe for long term projects
-"Reward" sensation for achievements reduced (p.s. don't tell anybody you like they're smart except maybe if you're trying to get in their pants. I already had a hard time taking satisfaction from accomplishments because of felt like it should have been automatic while failures were a big blow http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ )
-Energy levels decline dramatically, eventually return to probably above average levels but nowhere near previous
-Difficult to sustain effort over month+ extended periods. Exercise helps but is also hard to sustain consistently. Manage to get "enough" most of the time.
-Cognition is noticeably diminished, but mostly only to myself. Highest functions slightly reduced. Become "addicted" to MMORPG (EQ, anybody old enough to have played that?)
Worst part? I just accept that "that's how things will be now"
-Grades are now A's, B's, and F's
-Diagnosed with ADD, *horrible* response to Adderall (awake for 3 days straight grinding teeth and unable to stop working on a single math research problem, don't eat, don't get up except to pee, work totally lacks creative insight and is all brute force attack). Rely instead on remaining innate ability to function normally. Do much better in "boring" classes when they are taken over short periods e.g. summer school.
-Flounder through, graduate (in 5.5 years despite having a solid 2 year head start), get a perfect score on physics GRE but stay at same state university for grad school
-Socially enjoy my 8.5 years of grad school (I can follow and participate in 3 separate conversations simultaneously even after many beers still so my cognition is still pretty good; still have intermittent moments of rapid insight but begin to rely more on slogging through) but years of poverty, stress, malnutrition, and heavy drinking 2 - 3 nights a week "probably take 10 years off my life" I half-joke
-Become well liked TA, enjoy teaching and lecturing, students like me, some a lot more than others, wink, wink
-Date a fellow grad, become fat (6'0", go from 180 to 205 lbs) and unmotivated and apathetic (common problem for me now, frequent periods of apathy and only motivated to work under high pressure from deadline), she dumps me, I become truly depressed (hard to get over somebody who shares your cubicle, all classes, and social circle eh?)
-Become indifferent to whether I live or die while taking Effexor (SNRI - my brother was suicidal on it, interestingly). Find Lexapro more agreeable though it makes my lifelong insomnia worse, Ambien prescribed but I use that as a party drug because I just get high from it not sleepy. Probably most of recovery from depression has to do with aggressively growing my social circle and working out as well as finding a really good talk therapist. So I know how to beat depression. Lexapro is never effective for me again. Drop back to around 180 lbs.
-Several months later meet a new girl, model/actress/physics major. Man life was pretty good to me.
-Grad school going no where, flail around for years, switch advisors a few times, girl and I have ups and downs mostly due to my apathetic "depression" which is more like a state of low energy. Blimp up to 225, mostly stick around 200 - 210, still have very good low intensity aerobic endurance for swimming. Exercise helps, staying busy helps, Lex does not. We stay together though because we're crazy about each other. Long term planning is a problem for me. I probably would quit school but 1) according to others I'm "the smart one" and "if I can't make it how can anybody else?" 2) I have no idea what else to do with life 3) I have extremely high psychological tolerance for stress and misery. Unfortunately. Most people seek to rectify bad situations but I wait until they are true crises to act. This becomes more of a problem later.
-Socializing and small creative projects (funny emails every week for happy hour) far more rewarding than research, though I do love the subject matter I just don't find the small psychological reward enough to keep me going for months on a single project somebody else thought up
-She finishes degree and moves to LA to pursue career. I am motivated to find a new advisor. I manage to finish enough research in 1 year to graduate. I develop a routine that lets me write 120 page dissertation in 6 weeks. I immediately abandon it afterwards.
-Despite really being miserable during the last bit of grad school, doing a long distance relationship, my advisor promises to set me up with a postdoc in LA. Hurray!
-I am proud of myself after 8.5 years of grad school, 3 advisors, and a PhD in physics for roughly 2 weeks. Then it's "just a piece of paper." Sigh. Wish I could take satisfaction from things... or have allowed myself to pursue those things I found more satisfying
-Promised job does not materialize. Instead of planning for an alternative, I become bitter and accept advisor's offer of postdoc in AZ with occasional "work trips" to LA. Despite the stress of long distance relationship I accept.
-Living alone for first time, in a place with no TV or Internet, because "I'm going to be leaving any day". Split life between 2 cities. Social isolation begins to take toll. Loneliness is an important risk factor for early death: http://healthland.ti...-shorten-lives/ and it causes numerous health problems http://m.psychologyt...gers-loneliness
-Begin drinking alone, a few beers a few nights a week.
-Finally after another year relationship reaches ultimatum point. Approach advisor, say I have to leave, he offers a split postdoc gig the majority of which will be spent in LA! Despite the stress a split existence has caused, I accept.
-Move to LA. Things are better for a while. But health is ... off. Untreated sleep apnea, added environmental stuff (mildewey apartment) leads to mind lung, sinus inflammation. Begin to feel mildly "sick".
-Due to spilt existence, and lameness of coworkers, I do not develop a social network in LA. Just a few strands. Girlfriend (who wants a ring which I am having a hard time saving up for) works weird hours so I am sometimes in bed when she leaves for work and/or returns home. An entire week may pass where I see her for a few hours and no one else except clerks / waitstaff. I do nothing to correct this because... um... High misery tolerance I guess.
The beginning of the end
-develop excess air swallowing while eating such that I often have hiccups or vomiting. Symptom of anxiety. I look up causes but do nothing to correct it.
-develop eyelid twitch that becomes progressively worse for a year until finally I start taking magnesium. Symptom of excess stress. I ignore yet another sign that my body is giving me.
-develop assorted chest pains. Possibly pulmonary hypertension due to apnea. Possibly anxiety. Possibly costochondritis. Possibly all / some of the above. Improves with exercise.
-start sleeping on side for apnea. Awkward. Pinch back in same spot over and over again. Develop new chest pain that feels like scratchy branch running from spine through chest to spot across from pinch. Nerve damage?
-Eventually start drinking 4-6 beers (7-9% ABV so more like 7-10 bud lights) 6 nights a week. Not because I have to... just bored, can't be bothered to go to meetup.com to find other things to do when gf unavailable.
-decide to take oral Lamisil for toenail fungus. Do not read the side effects (or I never would have taken the damn stuff). Do not quit drinking. Doctor does nor order liver tests nor warn about interactions. "Perfectly safe!" P.s. doc is my pops.
Stay tuned for part II of the tale of the rat!
