9 replies to this topic

[factsmachine]

I don't know where to begin. but I've been depressed for years, anxious especially in social situations. I went to the Dr and my testosterone level was 47 (reference range is 250-1100) and I'm 19 years old, so its very very bad. they put me on axiron TRT and I'm feeling slightly better.
I've used tons of drugs in my short life. not getting high much just trying to stop myself from dropping into the fiery hell of my own mind. a few drugs I've used to stay okay are: hydrocodone, tramadol, phenbut, xanax, klonopin, buspirone, DXM, kratom, gabapentin, and whatever else I can get. I'm not physically dependant on anything, I rotate the substances often enough that I don't get withdrawal. I also don't use enough of each to ever reach much euphoria.

long story short I've been suicidal and my mom didn't care, she's never cared and always ignored me. I hate my mom just like I hate all people. Anything will set me off, I want to hurt people. I have a few friends, no girls in my life. I'm tired of this living hell.

I don't know what to do. today is my birthday and I went to dinner with my family. nobody asked how I have been, or anything about me starting college (however they did say something about they think college I'd stupid, and that it doesn't matter) I was cut off multiple times. nobody cares what I have to say. my grandma is 90 and has Alzheimer's, she will listen to nothing I say, never answer my questions, not even acknowledge me. she's a control freak. I have to take care of her.

I still surprisingly have some social skills, however I'm isolated most of the time. I rarely leave the house except to go to college or the gym. I'm so close to killing myself. people put me into a state of dysphoria, I try to talk and make friends but I just get so nervous and feel so shitty and cold. I'm losing it.
I don'tknow what to do anymore.

[cat-nips]

FactsMachine,

 

Happy Birthday! I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do, but a little perspective! You're just 19, and have barely just started your adult life so I'm sure it's hard for you to see it getting better but it will! I was miserable during those years and it has only gotten better with the more control you have over your life. I promise! You have the power to change your life and make of it what you wish to a large degree. Congratulations on starting college and exercising at the gym. Those are both really positive things. Learning, knowledge and positive experiences do wonderful things for the brain, including inducing behavioral and thought changes. So does exercise. Keep going to school and figure out what you're interested in.  Keep yourself in shape physically and for times you're feeling rage, try smoking a little weed maybe. I find it helps soften the edges in rough times, although too much makes me a zombie and intereferes with motivation. You'll discover new interests at school and make friends based on those interests and keeping yourself up to speed physically will help with the girls .

 

Your situation is really unfortunate. I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. You're grandma is in her own hell. Her brain isn't working so well and so it's not likely she will listen or understand or remember what you say. Be compassionate in your care of her, but please don't take her actions so much to heart. Her experiences and life will not be yours. Deal with your mother and family as little as you must but remember that their opinions are very limited. They've had their own experiences and may think they know it all, but they really have no idea of what yours will or can be, especially if you keep going to school. Find a way to shield yourself from their negativity. And deal with it only as long as you have to. Once you're done with school, or perhaps even before, you have the opportunity to do something else, anything else that doesn't involve them and you can get yourself out of there.

 

For your mental states, maybe talk to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Perhaps the school has resources you can utlize. You may need some neurotransmitter balancing, or something to help ease the situational tensions. Perhaps an antidepressant? Therapy may also help you vent to someone who is informed and educated about your issues and may be able to direct you.

 

I know all this advice may seem cliche, but don't get so despondent. You have your whole life ahead of you. Thoughts change constantly. So does life and situations. Yours will too! I promise, you just don't see it yet. Have a little faith in yourself and in the notion that as long as you try to stay positive and keep trying to improve your situation, that it will improve! People can be shitty and so can life, but not always. You can direct your actions into a better person and a better life as you see fit. Reverse the negativity maybe by getting some perspective and maybe getting involved in volunteer work? You'll meet people with similar interests through being involved with the world outside of the limited view of your family. Again, I know this may seem cliche but it really does help you see things differently. It's a paradigm shift to see what alot of others have to go through to survive. Life is precious. Yours and everyone else's.

 

Best wishes for love and happiness in your journey.

 

 

 

[factsmachine]

hey Cat-nips,
(wonderful name, BTW) your post was extremely helpful. I used to be extremely happy and very well liked by anybody I made contact with. plenty of girls, plenty of good times. then I went to rehab for a year, when I got back everybody pretended they didn't know me.
so in essence I am envious of my old self. it sucks to feel on top of the world, then go to being on the bottom after you worked so hard to make everything right.

your post was loaded with empathy, both logical and emotional. something I rarely feel myself, and something people never express to me.

although its cliché, my belief is that those certain statements that are regarded as cliche are called that because they are so common, but they WORK. I used to think I could do anything, now I feel like I have no control. I do anything now to make me feel in control of anything. I crave that in control feeling and lately even meditating puts me into an anxious state.
I will keep coming back to your post to "go back to the basics" when I feel like life is giving me too much shit. I used to be the man, everybody still says that to me. little do they know it makes me feel like shit when they do. but I should be able to get back there.
you did say Antidepressants, and although I'm almost desperate for change I really don't want to give up my sexual ability. what happens when I find my path and am happy, I find a girl and I can't even make it happen? I fear that, enough to stop me from trying those ever. but I have started tianeptine, it seems to keep me from falling into doom and gloom for a few hours atleast.
thanks, Cat Nips (:

[cat-nips]

Alot of people fear and shun what they don't understand or haven't been through. Don't be envious of your old self. Maybe those structures had to change for you to start fresh right now and maybe this will give you a major leg up on your peers later in life because it will show you what you are capable of and lead you into a much better path. Don't try to hang on so much for control. Try the opposite. At your age and stage, you can afford to let it go, and redirect, aikido style to go towards a new direction.

 

In my teens and 20's I dealt with the death of both my parents, being alone, loneliness, bad relationships, total self-sufficiency, etc.  When the stress got too much for me to handle, I would go out in a blaze of smoke. Weed can be neuroprotective against the damaging effects of stress. I might have gone off the deep end without it. When I felt a little better, I would drink black tea multiple times a day (has theanine for relaxing and focusing abilities) to do more social and intellectual activities, school, work and then come home to smoke out in a blaze and relax and let it all go again. I'm not recommending it as a long-term solution, but as a situational experience, and you have the time and space to enjoy, then relax. Intense cardiovascular exercise always makes me feel good as well.

 

I've heard tianeptine works but has some withdrawal issues. And I stay away from AD's too for the same reason as it kills my libido, although I've heard some use other things as an adjunct successfully to mitigate those effects (like Wellbutrin, but for me it made me hostile). I'll make another plug and say sex is amazing and withdrawal from anything is much more manageable after marijuana in my experience, although it does make social anxiety worse for most so usually alone and reflective time is best unless you're with someone you're comfortable with.

 

Good for you to reach out before falling deeper into your gloom and doom. Your post startled me a little and I felt compelled to respond. We all have our bad moments and need to lean on others and sometimes it's just a matter of finding the right "others" to do so. That being said, no thanks necessary and you can always send a message if you just need someone to hear out your mental hell.

 

 

[StevesPetRat]

It sounds like you need a hug. Or like maybe a few thousand of them. Seriously, physical contact = oxytocin, I am not being facetious for once. This seems to be a huge deficit in your life, and even talk therapy may not be intimate enough to make up for its lack. Can you afford massage? I find the eastern reflexology places are cheap, like $30 an hour.

 

And then there's all the pills. But some of them will make you crave that human contact even more, so that's the first thing to try to fix. Also, my mood stack starts with a pound of blueberries a day. Lots of research on the neurological benefits of those suckers. How is the TRT working for you? You could add some high potency Icariin (horny goat weed extract). Kinda pricey though.

 

Finally: some words that got me through my darkest times: If it ever really becomes truly horrible, you can always kill yourself tomorrow. But that's tomorrow. There's stuff to try to improve today.

[factsmachine]

On point, cat nips.
this may give me a leg up later in life. its apparent it did this for you, because you're able to understand much better than the average person due to your past. maybe I can use the knowledge I gain from getting out of this for helping somebody.
cannabis is plentiful around me, and I choose not to smoke because it makes me even more introverted than normally. but I smoked tonight and spent the whole night looking for things to help me get out of this. the key thing I've learned from all my research is that I need to exercise more (it seems that I got depressed after I was injured in rehab, from all the running they made us do. I'm hardly able to run now, patellar tendonitis)

Too poor for massage therapy, although it would be amazing. I could really use a hug. its been so long since anybody has even tried to touch me besides my dad giving me hugs. I really do need more human contact. it seems like even when I want to see people I realize that I know nobody that lives here (I recently moved cities) and have nobody to talk to. I feel like people don't want to talk to me, I feel like I'm a nuisance or like people just don't want my company, even though I try hard to be pleasant.
oftentimes when I find myself in a conversation with somebody I just stop talking because I can't think, I have nothing to say. I'm not used to coming up with a response, I have no idea what to say. then I feel bad afterwards.
I need to build a self esteem up too, I see myself as bad compared to everybody else. I hardly have a sense of humor.

I've been on the TRT for 1 week today and I do feel better. the biggest change is that I'm motivated and want out of this, and actually have a sex drive. before it was just thinking about suicide constantly, no drive to change.

I'vw heard about blueberries being neuroprotecrive for Alzheimer's.
my current supplements:
vitamin C 1000mg 4x day (combat cortisol)
fish oil
vitamin D 7,000 IU
melatonin
tianeptine 3x day 25mg
I plan on taking noopept in combination with whatever changes my thinking more positively. that way I can create long term changes faster.
multi vitamin
and a few herbs I use occasionally but don't notice a difference. in case they may be of use: ashwagandha, rhodiola, Valerian, kava, horny goat weed

[StevesPetRat]

my current supplements:
melatonin

Oh if you can, try giving that up for a while. It didn't used to do this, but now when I take melatonin for more than a few days, I start to get in a really dark mood. It has this effect on a decent fraction of people. Melatonin is probably best used in the young only sporadically to counter jet lag.

[factsmachine]

alright man I'll go by that and not take it.

when I was in rehab I took melatonin and buspirone everyday (there'sstudies about this combination causing neurogenesus). I didn't know that until recently.
my dark mood came about after people didn't like me like they did before once I got out of rehab. I did tons of meditation, hours a day there for fun. once I got out I got addicted to phenbut then moved in with my dad, some serious depression, psychosis, anxiety, shit whatever else you wanna call it it was a nightmare. pure sleepless fear from it.

today I had college, I decided to try low dose dxm before I went to college. my social interactions seemed much better. well its hard to say, my social skills were good, I could discern emotions and make people feel at ease (I NEED to learn how to do this please tell me if you know how)
and I had an epiphany. i wrote it down too. it was "Love yourself. your standards are the only ones that matter. fuck everybody else's standards" then after that I had almost no anxiety besides a presentation.

here's a thought, probably crazy but here goes (finished bottle of dxm)
while thinking something like "fuck everybody else I'm only paying attention to myself" may sound selfish, when I think that way my anxiety kinda dissapears for a bit.. if I can believe it. then I become a much better person to be around.
so then different thoughts are processed differently and affect minds differently. nothing is cut and dry.

[StevesPetRat]

my social interactions seemed much better. well its hard to say, my social skills were good, I could discern emotions and make people feel at ease (I NEED to learn how to do this please tell me if you know how)

I don't know, exactly. The only comment I can make is that other people's moods affect mine rather strongly(now, didn't always used to be that way), so I imagine the reciprocal is true also. That is, if you are simply at ease, others will be at ease. Probably not the most useful advice, sorry.

and I had an epiphany. i wrote it down too. it was "Love yourself. your standards are the only ones that matter. fuck everybody else's standards" then after that I had almost no anxiety besides a presentation.

That's a good epiphany to have at such an early age. I spent many years living like I hated myself and trying just to please everybody else. (even though, weirdly, I honestly don't care what others think about me, I always try to make people happy.) Charity starts at home, my mother always said, and caring for humanity starts with caring for yourself. Had I had that realization at your age, I'd be in a very different place right now. I think you're on the right track.

[factsmachine]

That does seem to be true. For example, with me I find that if i'm in a good mood, and have relaxed and kind facial expressions, everybody else seems to follow my lead and the whole social environment becomes more relaxed and enjoyable.

My dad still does that, doesn't like himself but does everything to please everybody else and always ends up back to square one, feeling inadequate and unappreciated. Exactly, in the words of my favorite movie (most would criticize for this) Notorious, a movie about rapper Notorious B.I.G. The quote at the end was 
"We can't change the world until we change ourselves" 
That's just.. Damn! 

Anyways man, I'm trying to become immune to psychological stressors. I read an interesting post about ginko biloba that said somebody felt immune to stress on it, You have any leads on anything potentially beneficial?
Also I've put plenty of thought into diet. I'm a fit young man into weightlifting. I want to go on a diet that helps anxiety and depression (if there is such a thing). I've looked but haven't found anything convincing yet, TBH... :/

I've got 2 family members in the hospital, a childhood friend with cancer giving up, a cousin that went off the radar, and a best friend that stopped talking to me. Along with dealing with being isolated you can probably imagine what it feels like to be in my perspective right now. I wish everybody the best, nobody deserves to go through things like this. I want to make it through.