Hello,
I’ve been a long time lurker and owe a great many thanks to many of you and the research you have conducted in these forums. I would probably be in a very dark place if I hadn’t come across this website a year ago. What I’m about to write here in this post is going to be a very long read. It is for the most part the most complete account of substances that may or may not have had an impact on my brain. With this account and the help of this forum’s knowledge, I’m attempting to get myself back on track.
I’ll have a Tl;DR at the end of this, but I think there are some interesting pieces of information some members may find useful, or at the very least some thing that confirms their prior hypotheses.
Beginning:
In the early part of 2011, I had went to see the counseling center at my university. I was having issues with my at the time girlfriend and it was having an impact on my concentration and school work. After a few tests I was diagnosed with depression and/or ADD of the inattentive kind. I was told it was either an adult onset or something overlooked in my childhood. At the time I didn’t even know what ADD was. My roommates egged me on to accept that diagnosis because I would get “Limitless” pills. The movie had just came out around this time. Then, being the naïve young college kid I was, pressured by my peers I foolishly went ahead and accepted the Doctor’s prescription.
It took me many months to realize that the diagnosis was wrong. And many more months later did I learn of the repercussions of that mistake. I was in fact depressed. I didn’t want to admit that truth. I came from a family that believed anything could be overcome. I’ve always wondered why he pushed it on me. I had always had a great memory, I’d be able to commit entire paragraphs to memory reading them once and remember up to 20 scantron answers on tests. I had a high GPA which did take a dip that semester but it wasn’t ADD. I didn’t smoke. I didn’t drink. And I was an incredible athlete with a resting heart rate of 43bpm.
I took Adderall 10mg once or twice a day as needed for 3 months. I had a 3 month break. I was working a 9-5 job at this time and struggled to find motivation to do work that was very repetitive and boring to say the least. In October I was back on those little blue pills. Girlfriend dumped me 2 months before. It was the lowest I ever was. Blue for days, my mind actively racing about thoughts of her and the past and what I could have done and nothing but that. I got now work done. Couldn’t even read a book. Back on the pills I was working like a work horse and getting my work done consistently. A problem I was having was waking up each day. I would be forever tired and groggy and unable to get up right away.
Fast forward to March of the next year. I stopped getting a script. I was fed up with having to take a pill to get any sort of work done. I assumed if I took a break away from them, my brain would restore homeostasis after a period of time. Didn’t happen. I struggled and borrowed from friends their prescriptions.
September of that year (2012) I get a new Doc, same script. Continue to take it. Work is a lot easier. I’m a lot happier as a result of getting my work done. Also begin dating a wonderful girl at the start of the month. Things are great but I also develop a drinking habit because of a knee injury that disallows me from participating in my varsity sport. One blackout incident in October leads to her breaking up with me. Two nights later I see her with another guy and an hour later that night I am introduced to cocaine.
Adderall ends by end of October. By this time I’ve given up on it again and try to get back to living without that crutch. My earlier loss also leads me to living a rockstar life of drinking 4 nights a week and continued inhalation of that awful drug. I also adopt cigarettes on those nights. Never buy a pack but there’s always someone with some that’s always willing to give some away. This continues for a year. Alcohol, drugs, and one night stands.
Fast forward to Fall 2013. I’m off the white stuff. Even though I haven’t had any of it for 5 months, I deal with dreadful anxiety. I can’t concentrate because my thoughts race about everything else but what I should be focusing on. Counseling center decides I should be on anti-depressants and not stims. I try those for a week. One night smoking weed, for the first time in my life I think about suicide and why people might think it’s a good idea. I flush the anti-depressants and never go back to counseling. Somehow I end up smoking and snorting heroine a few times around this time. A weekend thing. My anxiety bourn from the coke withdrawal evaporates. The feeling is too good and I decide to stop before it gets out of hand. Stopping isn’t an issue. My anxiety is gone and my concentration somewhat better. Insomnia I suffered from before also doesn’t exist.
Fearful of the damage I’d caused myself I search the web. I come across amino acid therapies people are prescribed in rehab. I order a bunch of goodies.
CDP choline
Tyrosine
5-HTP
Fish oil
L-dopamine
l-theanine.
I take one of each of these, the 5htp before bed, and I begin to feel a whole lot better. I also order some piracetam for finals. And oh my God. I was back to square one. I took 1600mg of it twice a day and after 10 days or so, I passed all my finals and focus and motivation was no longer an issue. Throughout the winter break I worked out twice a day getting back into great shape protein shakes, creatine, multiple times a day and I was better than I had been in a long time.
I end up back in school and during syllabus week, I have too much fun to say the least. I’m back on the H train on weekends. No issues stopping but I worry that all the work I did over break was lost. I ordered Noopept and Aniracetam. I also have a brief moment with SEMAX which is by far the best Noot, I’ve ever had. Incredible feeling and superhuman mental strength. I’m able to control myself and my recreational use of opiates through these supplements. School is not an issue. The motivation to finish my work is there with my reward before sleep.
Everything is going great. A two week break from the neg substances and following midterms, a weekend to celebrate leaves me almost dead. The second night, I smoke dope, I drink, and then a party I’m at, the drinks are laced with benzos. I end up in the hospital 2 days later. No recollection of the night. In my sleep I vomited and inhaled it. I was about 10mins from dying from asphyxiation.
Regarding the asphyxiation incident. One thing I’ve worried about is brain damage. Doctor’s haven’t been particularly helpful in providing insight on the subject. If there is anyone with neurogenesis suggestions that might be beneficial to let me know. I personally don’t feel a substantial difference in my thinking but that’s because if there is I am biased to think its placebo because I think the shortage of oxygen could have killed brain cells. The differences I do perceive are short term memory and focusing on a subject.
6 months later. I’m having issues with learning and concentration. I visited a psychiatrist and again end up on stimulants for ADD. Focalin XR now after experimentation with Adderall and Ritalin trials were filled with too many side effects. Taking focalin for a couple weeks now has led me back to where I always end up, which is wanting to quit all these things because I don’t want to be reliant on them for the rest of my life.
TL;DR
Misdiagnosed with ADD. Prescription meds and life circumstances eventually lead me to abuse a plethora of substances. Used Noots to combat withdrawals. Trying to get life back together but apprehensive about continuing use of ADD meds.
My questions:
Could my original misdiagnosis have left me with actual ADHD? Would taking ADHD pills for an extended period of time down regulate the brain to cause one to have the condition? Long periods of time without them have not managed to correct my focus and motivation issues.
With regards to the substances I abused, would anyone have any recommendations nootwise- that would help me continue my life as I search for work and partake in job interviews at this time? I am willing to get piracetam and noopept perhaps, SEMAX if it weren’t so expensive, because I’ve had positive reactions to them, but since I have damaged my nueroreceptors and many of them for that matter, is there anything I should be targeting that may help bring about homeostastis.
I am also exploring TULIP as a potential addition to my regimen along with binuarual beats. I already exercise 6 times a week. Would Tulip be helpful in bringing back the smart and thoughtful person I was?
Does discontinuation of a racetams eliminate the benefits you get while taking them, or do any changes that occur continue on without them?
Any recommendations or insights as to what I may have hurt with the substances I abused?
Feel free to pm me or post to this topic. Many thanks for your input.
